Author seeingthisguy Posted July 31, 2015 Author Posted July 31, 2015 He works the weekend - and I chose coffee in a quiet spot cause they have amazing breakfast LOL
mrldii Posted July 31, 2015 Posted July 31, 2015 ...He said "let's meet for coffee Monday and talk before I go to work... Also, there's an event happening next month at my work, would you like to go together?" Mind. Blown. Ladies and gentlemen. Thoughts? Reads like he has a legitimate - as opposed to nefarious - reason for not being as available as he once was. It may even be that he realized he jumped in and enthusiastically set a pace that he realizes he can't possibly keep up. Whatever the reason...I'd hear him out and go from there. I wouldn't commit to the month-from-now date, but instead say, "Sounds interesting...we'll talk about it on Monday, too!" I'd listen to what he has to say and have enough faith in my ability to respond to it on the fly, all the while remembering that I, too, have needs and expectations within an "exclusive relationship". Best of luck to you, OP...he does sound like a good guy who is interested in you and continuing to develop a relationship that works for both of you, too! 1
PaperCrane Posted July 31, 2015 Posted July 31, 2015 I used to work 7 days a week, down to 6, but I still pull 80+ hour weeks and I can say without a doubt that when I did meet someone I sure did have energy at the start. I had this little bit of extra energy and could make do on 5 or 6 hours of sleep after working 12-16 hours and meeting someone. After awhile, it becomes utterly exhausting. When you make a demand on time, it starts to feel like work to the person being asked. When it feels like work...after work...you don't want to do it. 2
GemmaUK Posted July 31, 2015 Posted July 31, 2015 14 hour days are seriously tough whether they are an episode of them or long term. When you meet someone new that can take over but it also means you put other things like looking after yourself on the back burner. It's really bad to do this and totally exhausting. Life has to be the priority for both people or one will feel smothered or consistently unable to make the other happy - thing is though that neither partner is there to make the other happy as happy comes from within. Before your talk I would suggest knowing exactly what level of contact you want. He isn't a mind reader so he needs to be told plain and clear what you expect/need/want (and it cannot be as much as it was in the beginning - things have to settle down) You also in return need to listen to him and what he can actually offer. If it doesn't match then you're not compatible - simple as that! I have to say though that I agree with Gaeta that a coffee meet on Monday morning seems very impersonal plus I also think the suggestion of an event coming up is possibly lip service? The two do not make 'snap' with me.
Author seeingthisguy Posted July 31, 2015 Author Posted July 31, 2015 14 hour days are seriously tough whether they are an episode of them or long term. When you meet someone new that can take over but it also means you put other things like looking after yourself on the back burner. It's really bad to do this and totally exhausting. Life has to be the priority for both people or one will feel smothered or consistently unable to make the other happy - thing is though that neither partner is there to make the other happy as happy comes from within. Before your talk I would suggest knowing exactly what level of contact you want. He isn't a mind reader so he needs to be told plain and clear what you expect/need/want (and it cannot be as much as it was in the beginning - things have to settle down) You also in return need to listen to him and what he can actually offer. If it doesn't match then you're not compatible - simple as that! I have to say though that I agree with Gaeta that a coffee meet on Monday morning seems very impersonal plus I also think the suggestion of an event coming up is possibly lip service? The two do not make 'snap' with me. I'm not a needy person by any stretch - I'm a busy girl myself! Which is why I find this particularly frustrating. Id be happy if I saw him once a week! I feel like we should have a day; non-negotiable.
fitnessfan365 Posted July 31, 2015 Posted July 31, 2015 Realistically if you haven't become his GF after six months, you probably never will. 3
Author seeingthisguy Posted July 31, 2015 Author Posted July 31, 2015 OP Having worked 14/15 hours a day every day for a long period of time I can tell you this. When you meet someone its great and you want to spend as much time with them as possible but at some point you are going to be exhausted. Its impossible to keep it up when you are working those hours. On top of that he works in an industry that is very fast paced and demands concentration all the time... I think you just need to talk to him. Tell him how you are feeling but do not threaten to go else where. If someone did that to me while I am working long hours my answer would be to tell them not to come back. By threatening that you are showing a very selfish side which is not what I get the impression you wish to do. How about concentrating on your friends a bit more so you are not so worried if he is working late or doesn't get the chance to respond for a few hours. Ask him to spend some quality time with you so its not just sex all the time. Go out and do things together that do not involve your pants being removed! I think its all just a bit overwhelming for him if I am honest... I agree with this 100%. I'm meeting him Monday to discuss; I think we'll be fine. To be frank I don't date often, and telling him how I feel is something I'm working on getting better at. I know he's not a mind reader, and I wouldn't threaten to start seeing other people if he doesn't "shape up" lol. Not my style, especially not if I really like someone (and I really like him, obv. I'm on a bloody dating forum for the first time in my life)! LOL
RebelWithoutACause Posted July 31, 2015 Posted July 31, 2015 Sounds like he lacks the time, energy or interest (or all 3) to invest in a relationship with you but your text msg made him realize that his lack of effort is getting to you, and in an attempt to not act like a jerk he has offered you a couple of small crumbs of his time and attention. Whatever he says during your talk make sure you don't settle for anything less than the level of commitment you want. If he can't provide that then let him walk. I was wondering, why was your mind blown by his offer to talk on Monday and a vague invite for a work get-together? Maybe your expectations are too low? Just a thought.. 1
smackie9 Posted July 31, 2015 Posted July 31, 2015 If he IS that busy then there is no room for your expectations.....I say quit it, and find someone else. 2
Author seeingthisguy Posted July 31, 2015 Author Posted July 31, 2015 Sounds like he lacks the time, energy or interest (or all 3) to invest in a relationship with you but your text msg made him realize that his lack of effort is getting to you, and in an attempt to not act like a jerk he has offered you a couple of small crumbs of his time and attention. Whatever he says during your talk make sure you don't settle for anything less than the level of commitment you want. If he can't provide that then let him walk. I was wondering, why was your mind blown by his offer to talk on Monday and a vague invite for a work get-together? Maybe your expectations are too low? Just a thought.. When I said "mind blown", I meant: why on earth would he invite me to go to a function with him if he doesn't see us going anywhere? What if I light him on fire Monday morning? LOL. I'm not sure If this is him trying to recover and make an effort, or lip service.
Gary S Posted July 31, 2015 Posted July 31, 2015 It's one thing for manly men not to go around saying "I love you" all the time like a pansy. But if after six months he does not refer to you as his girlfriend, I'm sorry, you are not.
GemmaUK Posted July 31, 2015 Posted July 31, 2015 I'm not a needy person by any stretch - I'm a busy girl myself! Which is why I find this particularly frustrating. Id be happy if I saw him once a week! I feel like we should have a day; non-negotiable. So then suggest 'date night' and suggest you only contact each other to set the place and time. This is how dating used to be before mobile phones...it was brilliant!! Date night grew to being more date nights just because you had no contact hardly at all in between.
Author seeingthisguy Posted July 31, 2015 Author Posted July 31, 2015 It's one thing for manly men not to go around saying "I love you" all the time like a pansy. But if after six months he does not refer to you as his girlfriend, I'm sorry, you are not. I agree - but I'm not saying im his girlfriend. I'm saying if he can't make time, and he can't call me his gf, I'm going to walk. But I don't think it's fair to just walk without talking to him.
Gaeta Posted July 31, 2015 Posted July 31, 2015 When I said "mind blown", I meant: why on earth would he invite me to go to a function with him if he doesn't see us going anywhere? What if I light him on fire Monday morning? LOL. I'm not sure If this is him trying to recover and make an effort, or lip service. This is where a lot of us girls think wrong. * He invited me to an event he must be serious * He introduced me to his mom he must be serious * He stayed over it must be more than sex Because to US girls these things mean something we assume they mean the same to the men we're dating. They don't necessarily do. He invited you to this office event maybe just because it would suck to go by himself, not because he wants you at his side. 1
Author seeingthisguy Posted July 31, 2015 Author Posted July 31, 2015 This is where a lot of us girls think wrong. * He invited me to an event he must be serious * He introduced me to his mom he must be serious * He stayed over it must be more than sex Because to US girls these things mean something we assume they mean the same to the men we're dating. They don't necessarily do. He invited you to this office event maybe just because it would suck to go by himself, not because he wants you at his side. In this case, every friend he has is going. He doesn't need me there at all.
kendahke Posted July 31, 2015 Posted July 31, 2015 ! I feel like we should have a day; non-negotiable. You should have a day, but be flexible and understanding when he has to cancel because he has to go deal with work because he will have days like that--maybe even weeks and months like that--**IF** you choose to go forward in a relationship with him. In the restaurant business, people will up and quit without notice leaving everyone else to have to fill in and pull the weight until they've trained someone else up to do the job. So as long as you're understanding of this and don't jump on his head because he has to do his job, then you won't have problems. Keep your expectations in check, stay flexible and try not to become unreasonable if you agree to continue in a relationship with him. If that is more than you can agree to, then this isn't a good fit and you two need to part ways. 2
rester Posted July 31, 2015 Posted July 31, 2015 If he's working 14 hr days in a restaurant, I would either: 1) cut him some slack on the time you need from him and accept that you may not always be at the top of his priority list, or 2) move on and find someone that works less and has more time for you. This isn't a case of a guy spending 4 nights a week going out with his friends and keeping you on the side for sex and coffee dates...the guy has a busy life that isn't centered around you and may never be. It sounds like he's trying to include you as much as he can. If this doesn't work for you, it doesn't work for you, but it's not likely to change. He's not going to start working less. Keep your expectations in check, stay flexible and try not to become unreasonable if you agree to continue in a relationship with him. If that is more than you can agree to, then this isn't a good fit and you two need to part ways. That is good advice. 1
Author seeingthisguy Posted August 3, 2015 Author Posted August 3, 2015 Hey all - Well here's the latest: he ended up bailing on our chat this morning because he had to go into work. He was all "I understand if you hate me, I'm so sorry", and I'm not mad but I'm feeling a little lost. Like, at this point I'm beginning to wonder if he's full of sh*t - though he was the one who initiated the plans in the first place...
losangelena Posted August 3, 2015 Posted August 3, 2015 Well ... I guess this might be the time now for you to decide if this is behavior that you're willing to tolerate. He only calls when he wants sex. He bails last minute on plans because of work. You say it's a recent development; every relationship has to go through that transitionary stage between the first excitement of getting to know someone and a couple settling more into who they "really" are. Can you date a guy who's never available? Time to start considering.
rester Posted August 3, 2015 Posted August 3, 2015 I'm not getting a very clear sense of what you want from this guy. More time? The "girlfriend" label? Are you concerned about his interest in you, or are you feeling pressured because your friends are getting nosy? If your friends weren't asking about the two of you, would you be more satisfied letting the relationship play out on its own, rather than forcing it with a "talk"? I could very well be wrong about this, but I get the impression that he likes you and wishes he had more time for you, but he doesn't, and that's just the way it is. 1
Author seeingthisguy Posted August 4, 2015 Author Posted August 4, 2015 I'm not getting a very clear sense of what you want from this guy. More time? The "girlfriend" label? Are you concerned about his interest in you, or are you feeling pressured because your friends are getting nosy? If your friends weren't asking about the two of you, would you be more satisfied letting the relationship play out on its own, rather than forcing it with a "talk"? I could very well be wrong about this, but I get the impression that he likes you and wishes he had more time for you, but he doesn't, and that's just the way it is. You could very well be right about that. And spot on - if it wasn't for all of the noise, I'd have an easier time letting the situation play out. I adore him, but with all of the chatter i feel like I'm overthinking everything any advice?
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