katiegrl Posted July 31, 2015 Posted July 31, 2015 That's a bit much, don't you think? How about letting me know what I did wrong instead of making it seem like I'm a horrible person with these childish tactics? Thanks anyway... If the shoe fits.... Read my above post (no. 25).
guest569 Posted July 31, 2015 Posted July 31, 2015 That's a bit much, don't you think? How about letting me know what I did wrong instead of making it seem like I'm a horrible person with these childish tactics? Thanks anyway... What? Katie basically summed up the facts according to your op, from your dates perspective. Of course she will be upset as would i if i was in her shoes. But you need to be honest with her and not drag things out. The suggestions provided are good, i vote for a phone call rather than text. Tell her just what you told us. Its hard but there isn't really an alternative aside from trying to "fade" when she is clearly still very keen. It ain't going to work.
xcupid Posted July 31, 2015 Posted July 31, 2015 I doubt you can "back up" in this situation. Had you not had sex it might have been easier to discontinue seeing her. She probably thinks there's a strong connection and is obviously infatuated with you. Time to do what you don't want to do - tell her that you don't feel the connection. Good luck! 1
Maleficent Posted July 31, 2015 Posted July 31, 2015 That's a bit much, don't you think? How about letting me know what I did wrong instead of making it seem like I'm a horrible person with these childish tactics? Thanks anyway... Struck a chord? This is probably how this girl feels at the moment so man up and cut her loose.
lino Posted July 31, 2015 Posted July 31, 2015 Now she obviously thinks you like her and you have to tell her you don't. You know, when someone initiates sex, you don't have to go for it... Yep, accepting sex from someone else initiating it is terrible and manipulative of you OP. hey girls, go through this ALL the time. let her learn. you win some; you loose some. Let her real friends do carry this, if it's even a situation.. Exactly. She will and likely already has done this to other blokes. If it's good for the goose, it's good for the gander.
RoseVille Posted July 31, 2015 Posted July 31, 2015 "I've been thinking, [Girl's name]. I had a good time on our date and don't regret the fun time we had together. But I don't want to take it any further than that. For both of our sake, we should focus our energy and time elsewhere."
lollipopspot Posted July 31, 2015 Posted July 31, 2015 I don't want to hurt anyone. If that's true, you really need to not have sex with women until you know them better. There are a few women - a few, not the majority - who can really have NSA sex. Men seem able to compartmentalize sex much more easily. Generally, women are going to bond through sex, and if she likes you, then she's going to be hurt if you don't share that feeling after sex. A week of texting is n o t h i n g. You owe her n o t h i n g. Yes he does. He had sex with her. He owes her a breakup and some polite explanation. 1
Eternal Sunshine Posted July 31, 2015 Posted July 31, 2015 Question: If she wasn't that open about how into you she is, would you keep the sex going?
Toodaloo Posted July 31, 2015 Posted July 31, 2015 Yeah you're totally right about this, it shouldn't be on me to keep her happy. She does have friends to lean on. I guess that makes it a little easier but I've been hurt so many times in the dating world that it's made me very empathetic to others. I don't want to hurt anyone. I need to just rip the bandaid off. Yep you do. You can be kind about it but you need to be firm. Be honest. Tell her you got carried away because she is awesome however there are fundimental differences that you think would cause problems for you both long term and so you don't want to continue. Other posters are right. There are very few women who can honestly and truly compartmentalize sex the way men can. Try to remember this in the future as it may help you in those "heady" moments.
martaldn Posted July 31, 2015 Posted July 31, 2015 lets be a bit realistic here. you have seen each other once .. do you really think she is going to take your rejection like the most horrible thing that could happen in her life? she is probably infatuated and since you dont reciprocate the feeling JUST drop it. She will probably think you are a dickhead but Im pretty sure she will be over you in a couple of weeks. tell her be honest and close the deal. why make her hanging there for so long if in your mind this thing is already over? 1
LookAtThisPOst Posted July 31, 2015 Posted July 31, 2015 (edited) I gave it a fair shot and it just isn't going to work for me. I do feel bad about that I never intended on hurting her or leading her on. I just went on this one date and things took off. It isn't working for you because you had sex too soon. Chances are it probably would have turned into something if you didn't just use her for sex. Now...you got yourself in a pickle and of course she'll likely call you a player to all her friends...heaven forbid she's among your social circles. If that's true, you really need to not have sex with women until you know them better. We had a wonderful time and she really enjoyed herself That's just stating the obvious, "Sure, I enjoyed bangin' her and I'm sure she did, too..but gotta run!" Edited July 31, 2015 by LookAtThisPOst 3
Redhead14 Posted July 31, 2015 Posted July 31, 2015 I have not been avoiding her. Please read my posts carefully. I am still talking to her but backing off a little bit and not flirting with her. I want to let her down gently. Just tell her you two are not a good match and be done with it. A woman senses when a guy is backing off and feels the "slow" death. Rip the bandaid. You aren't doing her any favors. She needs to grow up and learn right now how to handle one-night stands and dating. One date and sleeping with a man does not a relationship make. She already apparently had some kind of "vision" for the future with you. If you had dated her a few times, I'd say, be a little more caring about it. But not after one date. It sounds to me like you don't want to "burn this bridge" in case you feel like going that way again . . . 1
Maleficent Posted July 31, 2015 Posted July 31, 2015 It sounds to me like you don't want to "burn this bridge" in case you feel like going that way again . . . So much of this.
mjkcal Posted July 31, 2015 Posted July 31, 2015 It's really astounding to me how hard many of these posters are on the OP. Most men or women wouldn't give the other person in this situation a second thought. They would just do whatever they felt like--whether that be lead them on to keep having sex, keep them on the back burner, etc. The OP at least gives a damn, because he's been on the receiving side so many times. He's looking for the right way to do it because he's felt the sting. I give him credit for that. Also, enough with the comments that seem to put all responsibility on him. She chose to have sex with him and make the first move. It's not all up to him to stop it and think of every outcome to protect her and her feelings. That is her job, not his. 2
Maleficent Posted July 31, 2015 Posted July 31, 2015 It's really astounding to me how hard many of these posters are on the OP. Perhaps it is because we've all been on the other side of this kind of behavior? You can probably find hundreds of posts from men and women in the situation of the OP's date and they all have one thing in common - they are confused, they are hurt and feel like ****. We've all done it, but the fade away sucks, it's childish and immature. I see no problem with calling people out for doing it (and that includes me) Also, enough with the comments that seem to put all responsibility on him. She chose to have sex with him and make the first move. It's not all up to him to stop it and think of every outcome to protect her and her feelings. That is her job, not his. He accepted the sex so the very least he could do a clean break. Note that he didn't stop talking to her. He is just trying to make it somehow seem like he isn't interested without being upfront about it. 1
katiegrl Posted July 31, 2015 Posted July 31, 2015 (edited) If you had dated her a few times, I'd say, be a little more caring about it. But not after one date. . . Wha?????? I am really shocked by your responses on this thread. People should always try to be caring and sensitive to the other person's feelings when ending a *relationship* (for lack of a better word) no matter how brief it was, especially when sex has been involved and you KNOW the other person has feelings for you. Does he "owe" her an explanation? Maybe not, but as i said in my previous posts, common courtesy, empathy and human decency would dictate he be as honest and sensitive as possible ....especially since they *did* experience a mutual connection (albeit very very brief) which the OP admitted .....AND sexual relations were involved. In the long run they will both benefit by his honesty and EMPATHY. HE will feel better knowing he behaved like a caring decent human being with integrity and SHE will benefit knowing first date sex is not the best idea if her goal is a LTR. Edited July 31, 2015 by katiegrl 3
Popsicle Posted July 31, 2015 Posted July 31, 2015 If that's true, you really need to not have sex with women until you know them better. There are a few women - a few, not the majority - who can really have NSA sex. Men seem able to compartmentalize sex much more easily. Generally, women are going to bond through sex, and if she likes you, then she's going to be hurt if you don't share that feeling after sex. Yes he does. He had sex with her. He owes her a breakup and some polite explanation. This all over. This is exactly why many women don't make the first move on men, because they will gladly accept it almost all the time, even when they don't really like her. 2
Redhead14 Posted July 31, 2015 Posted July 31, 2015 Wha?????? I am really shocked by your responses on this thread. People should always try to be caring and sensitive to the other person's feelings when ending a *relationship* (for lack of a better word) no matter how brief it was, especially when sex has been involved and you KNOW the other person has feelings for you. Does he "owe" her an explanation? Maybe not, but as i said in my previous posts, common courtesy and human decency would dictate he be as honest and sensitive as possible ....especially since they *did* experience a mutual connection (albeit very brief) which the OP admitted .....AND sexual relations were involved. In the long run they will both benefit by his honesty and EMPATHY. HE will feel better knowing he behaved like a caring decent human being with integrity and SHE will benefit knowing first date sex is not the best idea if her goal is a LTR. I told him to be upfront and honest with her without attempting to manage her emotions. That is a mature, responsible way to handle the situation. If I slept with a man after one date and he tried to "coddle" me, I'd be pissed. I am strong and secure and can accept being intimate with someone if I want to whether or not it goes further. I want the truth. She is young and it's not too soon to learn how to handle dating and learn from those experiences. That is the best thing he can do for her. He doesn't have to be mean or harsh. Simply say, "they aren't a good match" and wish her well.
Popsicle Posted July 31, 2015 Posted July 31, 2015 I am a lot like her and the thing is, she has to screen men better and find the right guy for her. You can tell when a guy is into you and when he's not. Its in the little things, which start even before the first date.
Popsicle Posted July 31, 2015 Posted July 31, 2015 I can tell the OP feels bad about what he did though. Just be aware and learn and don't do it again, OP.
katiegrl Posted July 31, 2015 Posted July 31, 2015 (edited) I told him to be upfront and honest with her without attempting to manage her emotions. That is a mature, responsible way to handle the situation. If I slept with a man after one date and he tried to "coddle" me, I'd be pissed. I am strong and secure and can accept being intimate with someone if I want to whether or not it goes further. I want the truth. She is young and it's not too soon to learn how to handle dating and learn from those experiences. That is the best thing he can do for her. He doesn't have to be mean or harsh. Simply say, "they aren't a good match" and wish her well. Neither I nor anyone else suggested he *coddle* her so not sure where you got that. Is that what you mean by "caring"? Coddling someone? I don't. By caring I meant straightforward and honest, explaining why he does not wish to pursue it further (lost interest as things happened too fast) as opposed to the slow fade which will only confuse her and hurt her more...or your suggestion to coldly end it with essentially no explanation other than "sorry not a good match.". Which will also confuse the hell out of her. This was not just a first meet Red. They had a connection (before and during their date) which included sexual relations. He admitted that. Edited July 31, 2015 by katiegrl 1
Redhead14 Posted July 31, 2015 Posted July 31, 2015 Neither I nor anyone else suggested he *coddle* her so not sure where you got that. Is that what you mean by "caring"? Coddling someone? I don't. By caring I meant straightforward and honest, explaining why he does not wish to pursue it further (lost interest as things happened too fast) as opposed to the slow fade which will only confuse her and hurt her more...or your suggestion to coldly end it with essentially no explanation other than "sorry not a good match." Because no matter what he says, she's going to be hurt and/or emotional. After that point, she's not going to "hear" anything except, "wow, this guy slept with me and doesn't want to see me anymore". Truth is truth, it hurts, deal with it like an adult or don't date. This was ONE date. So now, this guy is going to be dealing with an emotional woman, struggling with getting her to accept that it is what it is, not being able to succeed in that and then be afraid to date other women because he can't handle their emotions.
Cinnimon Posted July 31, 2015 Posted July 31, 2015 He said he was " eventually " was planning on cutting her off as he knows he does not want to be with her. He said she wanted a second date but has been " avoiding her at all costs ". He said he doesn't want to hurt her but is planning on backing off slowly and avoid her being with him again. He came here asking what he should do. He is here because he has had it done to him and is trying to avoid making someone else feel exactly like he did. So I'll just ask this, OP, in the past when it was done to you, what could they have done to make it better for you? 2
katiegrl Posted July 31, 2015 Posted July 31, 2015 (edited) Because no matter what he says, she's going to be hurt and/or emotional. After that point, she's not going to "hear" anything except, "wow, this guy slept with me and doesn't want to see me anymore". Truth is truth, it hurts, deal with it like an adult or don't date. This was ONE date. So now, this guy is going to be dealing with an emotional woman, struggling with getting her to accept that it is what it is, not being able to succeed in that and then be afraid to date other women because he can't handle their emotions. You don't know any of that Red. You are only assuming she will become unhunged and emotional. And yes it was only one date, but they connected prior, and that one date included sex, which IMO changes the rules somewhat. Anyway, once again, we will have to agree to disagree. Edited July 31, 2015 by katiegrl 1
Redhead14 Posted July 31, 2015 Posted July 31, 2015 You don't know any of that Red. You are only assuming she will become unhunged and emotional. And yes it was only one date, but they connected prior, and that one date included sex, which IMO changes the rules somewhat. Anyway, once again, we will have to agree to disagree. assuming she will become unhunged and emotional - he said he was expecting that, I didn't assume anything. They only connected through texting for a week. And the fact that they had sex is irrelevant because they were in it together. That's on her too.
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