Eagle55 Posted July 30, 2015 Posted July 30, 2015 (edited) Short Version: I like a girl that's long distance. Our schedules never allowed us to hangout after only meeting the initial time. We stayed in contact via text and social media. We agreed on a mutual event where we were both going to be in the same town to finally hang out after several months of texting. The week before the event her texts became less enthusiastic. She randomly admitted she just started talking to someone very recently. She said it was new and they were just talking but still wanted us to meet. When we did meet up it was better than expected. Tons in common, talked for hours. Very confused on how to act moving forward being I want to pursue her and she isn't in a relationship yet. She said to check back in, in a few weeks but I know better than to wait but want to do something. My intentions are clear. Full Version After several months of being out of a relationship and tons of dating, I have found a girl that really interests me. I actually met her before me and my ex split. When I met her it was just a friendly encounter and I never crossed the line but we did end up adding each other on social media. I didn't talk to her or message her while I was still in a relationship. Once me and my ex split and I took a few months to my self she kept popping into my head. However, our one time of being around each other couldn't be a good gauge of knowing what it would be like in a dating situation. A slight issue also is that she lives a few hours away but has family closer to where I live (where we met). So one day I decided to reach out to her and she was very responsive and remembered me. From there we text and were always liking each others social media posts and photos. We tried to hang out a few times but her crazy work schedule and the distance made it tough, plus it was really like a first meeting so it had to happen a certain way. So about 4 months later after keeping in somewhat frequent contact we planned to meet since we were both going to be in the same town where her family lived. There was a festival that weekend and we planned to meet up and hang out...we would both have mutual friends around. So I checked in with her a few days before the festival and her texts were somewhat short and not too enthusiastic. I know emotions can get lost in text so I didn't take it to heart. We were causally texting the night before I planned to head to the town where the festival was (my friend lives there). She said "I know there isn't a good time to throw this in there but before we meet this weekend I want you to know I kinda am talking to someone." I instantly appreciated the honesty but it seemed she still wanted to meet and I also considered maybe she just said that as a defense mechanism or maybe it was completely true. I kept the conversation light and just said jokingly I didn't want to get her in trouble. She said it wouldn't be weird and she thought we still should meet. So when I get to the town where we planned to meet she spent some time with her family the first day and the day of the festival backed out because all of her friends ended up not going and she said she wanted to spend some time with her niece. From there I thought she was completely blowing me off but she insisted she wasn't trying to be that way and wanted us to do lunch the following day. I agreed and enjoyed the festival with my friend where she surprisingly text me several times and was flirty and seemed genuinely interested. So the next day I went to lunch as we discussed. Oddly enough the meeting and process was not awkward or weird in the slightest. I genuinely felt comfortable around her and she was everything that I remembered in person. I obviously was attracted to her and enjoyed texting and talking over the past few months. So to have it all solidified in person was amazing. We ended up talking there for close to three hours and the conversation flowed and was very natural. I joked a few times when we talked about being single but never really got into this "other guy". So we said our goodbyes and she mentioned when she was coming to my hometown where we both went to college and we should hang out. On my way home I text her and jokingly expressed how it kind of sucks that it went well. I have a wedding coming up and told her she would be the perfect fit for a date. She basically said that I was definitely her first call if things with this new boy didn't work out and that I should definitely check back with her in a few weeks (I guess she is hinting she isn't sure about the other guy or just being nice to me). I basically made my point that I was interested and left it at that. Since then I haven't text her a lot but when I have it's been light and friendly...mainly snap chat. She still is receptive and sends inside jokes back. I'm no sucker but to wrap it up I am extremely picky with women and she checks a lot of boxes and is the first person I have been interested in since my ex. I know she is taking in to consideration that I am long distance and dating would be tough, where as the other guy obviously lives where she does. I don't know the interest level with the guy but she has been single for a while too and she didn't seem sure. Before the she is "playing" you comments start, please know that I truly don't feel that is it. I've had it happen before and a pretty good judge of that. There was a connection for sure. I just am at the point of wondering if I should still keep small contact or wait on her to reach out. Or do what she said and check in, in a few weeks. I certainly don't want to look desperate or wait on her but she has made an impression on me. But I know I either need to pursue it or leave it alone. I know out of sight can really be out of mind and if I don't say anything that is just more fuel to that fire. But on the other hand I can play the I've expressed how I feel card. Any suggestions or questions would be greatly appreciated. Edited July 30, 2015 by Eagle55
GoBlue Posted July 30, 2015 Posted July 30, 2015 The reality is that long-distance relationships are very challenging even in the best of circumstances. You have let her know how you feel and she has done the same. My translation of her response - "you are an interesting person, one I could definitely be interested in, but I am going to proceed with this other guy because he is close." It's very hard to really get to know someone by simply texting. As far as your options go, continue low-level communication expecting nothing but casual friendship, cut-off all contact and see if she contacts you, or cut-off immediate contact and check-in with her three months down the road. I have a hypothetical question for you. Let's say that she was completely into you and wanted to pursue a relationship, what would that look like? There really isn't much that is appealing about a long-distance relationship because it begs the question, is it really a relationship anyway? I mean, how do you get to know one another? No matter what happens from here forward with social media, people really develop relationship by being together. I know she interests you and all, but the circumstances don't seem like they will be changing any time soon. Good luck. I hope everything works out.
Author Eagle55 Posted July 30, 2015 Author Posted July 30, 2015 The reality is that long-distance relationships are very challenging even in the best of circumstances. You have let her know how you feel and she has done the same. My translation of her response - "you are an interesting person, one I could definitely be interested in, but I am going to proceed with this other guy because he is close." It's very hard to really get to know someone by simply texting. As far as your options go, continue low-level communication expecting nothing but casual friendship, cut-off all contact and see if she contacts you, or cut-off immediate contact and check-in with her three months down the road. I have a hypothetical question for you. Let's say that she was completely into you and wanted to pursue a relationship, what would that look like? There really isn't much that is appealing about a long-distance relationship because it begs the question, is it really a relationship anyway? I mean, how do you get to know one another? No matter what happens from here forward with social media, people really develop relationship by being together. I know she interests you and all, but the circumstances don't seem like they will be changing any time soon. Good luck. I hope everything works out. Thanks for the response. You bring up a ton of good points. My last relationship that lasted over a year was long distance. She so happens to live in the same place my ex lives. However, we have more connections as far as locations. Her sister lives where I live. Her family (which she often visits) is where we met up and I have friends that live there. But to really answer your question I am planning a move soon, obviously not because of her. This was long before she was in the picture...I am going through a job change and The move consists of moving to her city or the city where we just hung out. I know the challengers of long distance and you're completely right about having to actually be around each other in person. She has made mention we would of hung out sooner if I wasn't so far away and vice versa, so I know that is a factor on her mind. So when we did it was a relief she was the person and more than I had grown to know through text. I don't know much still obviously but I know enough that I want to pursue but as you've stated it may just be a conscience thing on her part.
GoBlue Posted July 30, 2015 Posted July 30, 2015 All is not lost then. If you are actually moving to her city then things can change quickly. I worked with this one girl and was really interested in her. I could tell she liked me too but she was seeing another guy. I didn't push anything, I just showed up to work and did my job and was nice to her. Suddenly I came in one day to find out she had been transferred to another location, I also found out she was no longer seeing the other guy. I went straight to her new location as soon as I could and asked her out. She was the first girl I dated that I seriously thought may become my wife (the second did become my wife - lol!). Playing it cool and seeing what happens may be the best option. Good luck! 1
Author Eagle55 Posted July 30, 2015 Author Posted July 30, 2015 That is an awesome story! Thanks for the answers and sharing. I guess sitting back and just letting it be may be the best call. I feel like reaching out is only making me look desperate.
xcupid Posted July 30, 2015 Posted July 30, 2015 I'll take the opposite viewpoint to what you're thinking. Casually keep in touch with her in the meantime until you see where things go with the other dude. Don't overdo the contact. I don't think that makes you look desperate. I think it shows your interest without elbowing the other dude out. At least you're showing her you're still thinking about her and interested in her. It's not ideal but she's decided to go with another guy right now. That could fizzle out in a couple of weeks once she gets to know him better. That's a possibility. If you go NC then she might assume you're no longer interested and move on if things don't work out with the other guy. Your biggest challenge in the distance for the time being until you know what's happening with your job change. But you're used to long distance relationships so it's not a major obstacle. Besides, I get the impression you'll do what you have to do because you're interested in her. In the end it's your call. Only time will tell. Good luck! 1
Author Eagle55 Posted July 30, 2015 Author Posted July 30, 2015 I'll take the opposite viewpoint to what you're thinking. Casually keep in touch with her in the meantime until you see where things go with the other dude. Don't overdo the contact. I don't think that makes you look desperate. I think it shows your interest without elbowing the other dude out. At least you're showing her you're still thinking about her and interested in her. It's not ideal but she's decided to go with another guy right now. That could fizzle out in a couple of weeks once she gets to know him better. That's a possibility. If you go NC then she might assume you're no longer interested and move on if things don't work out with the other guy. Your biggest challenge in the distance for the time being until you know what's happening with your job change. But you're used to long distance relationships so it's not a major obstacle. Besides, I get the impression you'll do what you have to do because you're interested in her. In the end it's your call. Only time will tell. Good luck! I appreciate your perspective and it really is the big debate I am having with myself. To keep in contact or give it some space or just stop all together. They all have there merits and disadvantages. However, I can keep contact without being pushy and I've always thought that helps keep me relevant in her mind. Of course I plan to continue my life as planned and not stop looking else where. And like you said there is no telling what will happen with the guy and I don't think she meant for me to reach out later it in a bad way. I just know there is a lot of factors that help his cause. I think if I had lived where she lived already we would of had no problem at least seeing where it could go. However, the first time hanging since we first met had to happen a certain way. Long distance isn't my favorite thing but I have made it work before and I think she would be a better long distance person than the ex was haha. We are at the age where we are dating to be serious (27-28), as we discussed that at lunch...and I feel that it wouldn't be an issue but it doesn't help the other guy is a local.
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