sunsurfsand822 Posted July 30, 2015 Posted July 30, 2015 So, long story short I met a guy in February and things were really great – I was instantly attracted to him and we had similar sense of humor/personalities/etc. We started seeing each 1-2x/week but then a few months later the communication dropped off and I saw him less. He started a new job in the midst of it and so when I finally confronted him about what was going on he said he just didn’t think the timing was right with us and that he doesn’t think he could be in a relationship right now (but he still said he could see himself in a relationship with me). Ever since then we’ve continued to see each other but with the unspoken expectation that this is more casual.. I did ask (out of curiosity) when he think he could be ready but he said he couldn’t really answer that, and that it could be months or even more. I don’t know what it is but when I’m with him it’s euphoric and I feel so much happier. But then again there are definitely qualities he could improve – communication in particular and just overall treating me with better respect. I haven’t cut off contact with him – we’ve continued to hang out probably every 2 weeks or so, but the time in between is painful for me when we don’t talk or hang out. I find myself going through his Facebook a lot too and missing him (thus feeling obsessive). I’m not sure what to do – I know I should probably just stop seeing/talking to him but it’s almost like I want to stay around so that he doesn’t “forget” about me. Please help!
Jejangles Posted July 30, 2015 Posted July 30, 2015 I think this guy has told you what is on offer from him, and your body is telling you it's not enough! It's up to you how long you want to stick it out, but I wouldn't hang around hoping it's going to turn into more. I dated a guy last year for 4 months who I had a great time with when I saw him, but who was sporadic in contacting me between dates and who never liked to plan ahead. Finally I asked him where he saw things going and he said "casual" and I realised things were going nowhere so ended it. Guys show what they want through their actions, but your guy has actually said it with his words! He doesn't want a relationship. Do you? If so, move on. 1
Jejangles Posted July 30, 2015 Posted July 30, 2015 Oh and also, look up Baggage Reclaim and the book Attached: The new science of adult attachment. Your anxiety and obsession is being triggered by his distance - it's easy to mistake anxiety for chemistry and love. Your guy is currently unavailable as a boyfriend, but he's not going to end it, because it's working for him. So you need to acknowledge to yourself that it's not working for you. I have totally been you! Nowadays as soon as I start feeling those obsessive thoughts and anxiety, I know it's time to walk away, because the guy I am seeing is wrong for me and a trigger. I just can't handle the roller coaster any more. 1
kendahke Posted July 30, 2015 Posted July 30, 2015 Oh and also, look up Baggage Reclaim. that is a great site... she gives really good advice in her videos. OP--he's been upfront with you about his limitations with his new job. That is #1 on his priority list, not a relationship with you. He could have strung you along, but he did the honorable and ethical thing by letting you know he can't be who you need right now. Either you understand that and are agreeable to work within those constraints or you're not--he's not going to change or quit his job to make more time for you. If you can't work within those constraints, then it would be a really good idea to start looking for someone who does have the kind of time you require. Having said that, it seems that an even larger problem is looming in front of you--and that is you hanging your happiness on a guy who is not available to you. You will always be disappointed if you depend upon someone else to provide your happiness. How is it that your life isn't full to the point where this minor bump is just that, instead of a mountain where you're stalking his facebook page and are in "pain" that you can't see him?
Redhead14 Posted July 30, 2015 Posted July 30, 2015 (edited) So, long story short I met a guy in February and things were really great – I was instantly attracted to him and we had similar sense of humor/personalities/etc. We started seeing each 1-2x/week but then a few months later the communication dropped off and I saw him less. He started a new job in the midst of it and so when I finally confronted him about what was going on he said he just didn’t think the timing was right with us and that he doesn’t think he could be in a relationship right now (but he still said he could see himself in a relationship with me). Ever since then we’ve continued to see each other but with the unspoken expectation that this is more casual.. I did ask (out of curiosity) when he think he could be ready but he said he couldn’t really answer that, and that it could be months or even more. I don’t know what it is but when I’m with him it’s euphoric and I feel so much happier. But then again there are definitely qualities he could improve – communication in particular and just overall treating me with better respect. I haven’t cut off contact with him – we’ve continued to hang out probably every 2 weeks or so, but the time in between is painful for me when we don’t talk or hang out. I find myself going through his Facebook a lot too and missing him (thus feeling obsessive). I’m not sure what to do – I know I should probably just stop seeing/talking to him but it’s almost like I want to stay around so that he doesn’t “forget” about me. Please help! when I’m with him it’s euphoric and I feel so much happier -- This is not the important part . . . how do you feel when you are not with him? How does he make you feel overall? qualities he could improve – communication in particular and just overall treating me with better respect. -- These are pretty much the primary qualities you look for early on. If they aren't there, there's nothing happening. I might give a little on the communication, but if the respect isn't total and complete, I'm gone. Think about these two things -- doesn't that piss you off? Get angry, that will be your source of strength. Get pissed off that he isn't respecting you and your time or needs and that he just comes and goes as he pleases. I want to stay around so that he doesn’t “forget” about me. -- Sweetie, if you are only seeing him every two weeks now, he's forgetting about you. He's not thinking of you at all. If he were, he'd be calling and checking in on you at the least if he couldn't see you but wanted to. He only remembers you when he needs something, no one else available or he's horny. Have you ever heard the term "back burner girl". he doesn’t think he could be in a relationship right now (but he still said he could see himself in a relationship with me). That is a contradiction. He can't see himself in a relationship right now, but he can see having sex with you until somebody else comes along or you start seeing the "light". Ever since then we’ve continued to see each other but with the unspoken expectation that this is more casual. -- That is your expectation, not his. Unspoken means it's not going to be more than casual. You did try to clarify it and he spun it around and spit the same answers back a basically saying he doesn't know right now. The way to stop obsessing is to . . . STOP OBSESSING and cut off communication. Get focused on your life and needs. Go out and have fun with friends and family. Don't waste time posting here. There's a ton of stuff you could be doing for yourself that is more rewarding. And, don't accept anything less than complete respect from a man. Don't let this guy think you put your life on hold for him . . . Edited July 30, 2015 by Redhead14
xcupid Posted July 30, 2015 Posted July 30, 2015 So, long story short I met a guy in February and things were really great – I was instantly attracted to him and we had similar sense of humor/personalities/etc. We started seeing each 1-2x/week but then a few months later the communication dropped off and I saw him less. He started a new job in the midst of it and so when I finally confronted him about what was going on he said he just didn’t think the timing was right with us and that he doesn’t think he could be in a relationship right now (but he still said he could see himself in a relationship with me). Ever since then we’ve continued to see each other but with the unspoken expectation that this is more casual.. I did ask (out of curiosity) when he think he could be ready but he said he couldn’t really answer that, and that it could be months or even more. I don’t know what it is but when I’m with him it’s euphoric and I feel so much happier. But then again there are definitely qualities he could improve – communication in particular and just overall treating me with better respect. I haven’t cut off contact with him – we’ve continued to hang out probably every 2 weeks or so, but the time in between is painful for me when we don’t talk or hang out. I find myself going through his Facebook a lot too and missing him (thus feeling obsessive). I’m not sure what to do – I know I should probably just stop seeing/talking to him but it’s almost like I want to stay around so that he doesn’t “forget” about me. Please help! No need to cut him off completely. Stay in touch with him casually but lessen the contact and start focusing on other guys. No more going to his Facebook page. Do things with your friends that take your mind off this guy. He's told you he's not ready for a relationship. Believe him. If he's not treating you with respect or communicating properly with you, you need to find a guy who will treat you better than that. He's probably not the one for you and he's probably done you a favor by not being in a relationship with you.
IronZ Posted July 30, 2015 Posted July 30, 2015 You shouldn't just wait around for him. That's a clear sign of weakness and there's nothing attractive about it. Best way to get over him is to stop all contact and start dating someone new.
Recommended Posts