Everlastinglite Posted July 30, 2015 Posted July 30, 2015 Ok so, my bf recently got in touch with an old friend from facebook. She is a year younger than me and really pretty. They have history together as 'friends' not bf or gf type things. They just have a lot more in common with each other than i have with him. They did a lot of crazy stuff together that he says he will never do with me bc its that crazy. And a few days ago went we were at the carnival, he got a text from her asking if hes doing anything later. He asked me about it and i told him its up to him what to say back. He always wants my premission n i just say he can do what he wants, but deep down he and i know i dont really like it bc i guess i find her as a threat. Last night we were on the phone and he said he meet up with her that day. He justified it saying how i always meet up with my guy friend and ot pretty much the same thing (its not). I know its not bc im not attracted like that to any of my guy friends, but i knowww he is attracted to her. Girls can tell when theres a pretty girl in the room. And then i hung up on him...and then he later hung up on me. And it was just a stupid little fight. After we kind of resolved it, he brought her up again and asked if he could go kyacking with her one day bc she invited him. I just went conpletely silent bc i didnt want to come off as jealous or controlling. He asked if i wanted to come and i said no. He does offer for me to meet her too but i really dont want to.... And i know he wants to see her just them two so why be the thirdwheel anyway? I dont know..... He wants my permission first before going. What shoud i say and what should i do in the future in this situation? Thabks a bunch
CarrieT Posted July 30, 2015 Posted July 30, 2015 And then i hung up on him...and then he later hung up on me. You are both being Drama Queens. He asked if i wanted to come and i said no. You should have gone with him if he offered. He does offer for me to meet her too but i really dont want to.... I get it. You just don't want him to see her either. And i know he wants to see her just them two so why be the thirdwheel anyway? You need to be the third wheel if you don't trust him - and apparently you don't. He wants my permission first before going. What shoud i say and what should i do in the future in this situation? You can't have it both ways. He is asking for permission so you either have to give it, or deny and appear to be even that much more controlling than you are.
Rockdad Posted July 30, 2015 Posted July 30, 2015 "Let" ?? When exactly does one be granted and assume charge and control of another individual anyway other than your own children? 2
Keenly Posted July 30, 2015 Posted July 30, 2015 You are being dishonest with him and not communicating. When he asks you if you mind, and you as that he can do whatever he wants, you are forfeiting your right to be upset about it. You can't tell him something is okay and then get mad at him for it. That's poor communication on your part. If something is bothering you, you need to speak up. Otherwise you're granting " permission ". 3
Author Everlastinglite Posted July 30, 2015 Author Posted July 30, 2015 "Let" ?? When exactly does one be granted and assume charge and control of another individual anyway other than your own children? He did ask for my permission so i guess thats why i worded it that way. Sorry for that. Im the furthest from controlling...i always say its up to them to make their own decision about what to do or not do. But in this case he wants me to feel comfortable by asking if i was ok with it. Sorry again for the poor choice of words.
Author Everlastinglite Posted July 30, 2015 Author Posted July 30, 2015 You need to be the third wheel if you don't trust him - and apparently you don't. The reason why i dont trust him is because my brother and his gf snooped on his phone one day at the beach and found out he was texting his ex this whole time. We got in a huge fight and i was super mad and dissapointed at him, but eventually i gave him a second chance and hes really trying this time. Hence why he is asking me and being caucious about it. He gave me his fb password n lets me read his texts to make sure hes not doing anything inappropriate. This is why my trust for him went down and why im acting like this. If this was in the very beginning of our relationship, i would be so naive. But since finding out what hes capable of doing, i lost some trust. I dont want to, but thats just how it all went down. I wouldnt be with him tho if he wasnt making the effort, which he is and i can tell.
CarrieT Posted July 30, 2015 Posted July 30, 2015 Him texting his Ex is another issue so I can see where trust is now broken. I have a feeling this relationship won't last long anyway... 1
beach Posted July 30, 2015 Posted July 30, 2015 Why don't you go with him if he plans to meet up with her? Offer to go with him. He shouldn't have any problem with this if he is just friends with her.
casey.lives Posted July 30, 2015 Posted July 30, 2015 So, she can cry in his arms together ?? NO! This not a movie! Women steal men with the poor me scripts!!!
Peanut9330 Posted July 30, 2015 Posted July 30, 2015 Communication is a key foundation of all relationships and although ultimately it's his choice you can tell him your true feelings on the matter. Maybe he went and saw her and thought it was alright because you don't communicate your feelings to him on that matter. Don't assume that he knows it bothers you if you don't say anything about it, maybe he has no idea and if he did he might approach the situation differently and not see here since he cares about you and doesn't want to make you feel insecure, but you need to communicate that to him. 1
Gloria25 Posted July 30, 2015 Posted July 30, 2015 Oh, man, I would of had some fun with this one... You say you don't wanna be a 3rd wheel? Not me... If he said she invited him for kayacking or whatever, I'd would have responded with "Cool, what date/time are we going honey?":laugh: Whenever she calls/texts, I'd pick up the phone and be like "Hey Jane, how's it going?" And text/chat her to death. Shoot, I'd even set up dates for me and her to hangout. Get it? I won't get angry, pout, etc. Cuz, nothing is going on, right? They're just "old friends", right? So, if you want to hang with the three of them, call/text, and hang with her, then it's all good, right? But, I doubt they'd be happy about you getting involved...And, that's the whole point. By you not getting angry, pouty, etc and just treating them like the "friends" they wanna play you are, either he'll get tired of trying to get alone time with her and/or she'll give up. Then dump his arse...but first, I'd have fun with it - like I mentioned above ^^^ I mean, we just had an extensive thread about platonic RLs, but from what you described here, he has a romantic history with her and for him to be spending one-on-one time with someone he was romantic with at some point is adding gas to flames and he should know better than that. But, some snakes are like that...they think if they are upfront of what they're doing instead of sneaking, you're gonna be a fool and let them do it. So, like Jane comes over to help babysit and you think all is Kosher, and one day you're pulling up to your driveway to see she was blowing your man on your couch 1
darkmoon Posted July 30, 2015 Posted July 30, 2015 (edited) if it is making you uncomfortable or whatnot, look at whether this man gives a hoot about you, he is putting her first, she is colluding ("poor wickle innocent me" her) you are not the culprit, he might be naive, idk i would take him less seriously, but at least give him a chance to put it right, she no doubt will oppose any move that protects your interests over hers, if this guy wants a future with you, that starts with now, or discreetly date others til you find a more loyal man who puts you first do not argue with him, she wants disruption, ime, loosened bonds between you and him Edited July 30, 2015 by darkmoon 1
Phoe Posted July 30, 2015 Posted July 30, 2015 or discreetly date others til you find a more loyal man who puts you first are you suggesting she cheat on him, in order to find someone who is loyal??
darkmoon Posted July 30, 2015 Posted July 30, 2015 (edited) are you suggesting she cheat on him, in order to find someone who is loyal?? i am suggesting that she looks around for a better guy, cheat? who started this mess? not the OP, her guy did, he is on the verge of an EA (cheating) that the OP finds disressing, OP may not jump but still she is being pushed (by the two of them) i think unless married, the freedom road is open but live your life how you see fit, i just do not like seeing young girls wasting their pretty years on the wrong man, ultimately somebody you can even wish you had never even met, am 6o y o, seen it, xx Edited July 30, 2015 by darkmoon
Phoe Posted July 30, 2015 Posted July 30, 2015 i am suggesting that she looks around for a better guy, cheat? who started this mess? not the OP, her guy did, he is on the verge of an EA (cheating) that the OP finds disressing, OP may not jump but still she is being pushed (by the two of them) i think unless married, the freedom road is open but live your life how you see fit, i just do not like seeing young girls wasting their pretty years on the wrong man, ultimately somebody you can even wish you had never even met, am 6o y o, seen it, xx If she's gonna start looking around for another guy, then she should end this current relationship, not discreetly have one foot out the door while dating others! Even further, if she is unhappy in her current situation and cannot find a resolution, this isn't a relationship worth staying in regardless of whether she "finds another guy" or not. Being single is quite an option too! 2
d0nnivain Posted July 30, 2015 Posted July 30, 2015 You are shooting yourself in the foot by refusing to meet her. You don't have to be BFFs but you do need to give her a clear visual of you & your BF as a couple. Go. Smile sweetly. Be pleasant. Then leave.
sandylee1 Posted July 30, 2015 Posted July 30, 2015 Either go along or tell him you'd rather he didn't go. I can't imagine having to check up on a boyfriend like this. Was the texting with his ex inappropriate? Or just chit chat?
GoBlue Posted July 30, 2015 Posted July 30, 2015 Last night we were on the phone and he said he meet up with her that day. He justified it saying how i always meet up with my guy friend and ot pretty much the same thing (its not). I know its not bc im not attracted like that to any of my guy friends, but i knowww he is attracted to her. Girls can tell when theres a pretty girl in the room. You don't see the duplicity in your statement above? You're not attracted to your guy friend(s) so that makes it o.k. to hang out with them, but you "know he is attracted to her" simply because she is the "pretty girl in the room?" You even stated that they have history as friends but not as gf and bf. These things are hard to navigate - I will freely admit that. This is especially true while in a "dating" relationship because there hasn't been any real life-changing commitment yet, and he has been friends with her a lot longer than he has been dating you. For a married couple I think the answer is much clearer, any relationship that makes either spouse uncomfortable needs to be released. Regarding why you don't trust him, I'm sorry, but how long have the two of you been dating? A relationship in this stage isn't something that should have to be "worked hard" on. It's supposed to be the discovery and infatuation stage. If you guys are already having problems with trust maybe taking an honest look at where things really are could be helpful. What I mean by that is very simple - is this someone you can see spending the rest of your life with? If the answer is a definite "no" then re-evaluating everything seems to be in order. I hope things work out. Blessings. 1
blueskyday Posted July 30, 2015 Posted July 30, 2015 Guys I am in a relationship don't go kayaking and hanging out with single girls. Sounds like date. Tell him you'd love to go kayaking with him and you'll invite this girl to the next group thing. What nerve he and she have. 3
Friskyone4u Posted July 31, 2015 Posted July 31, 2015 you are saying there are two sets of rules, one for you and one for him. You decide it is OK to hang out with male friends but he is not supposed to. THat is being selfish because you are deciding without any consultation what his ingtentions are and he has no say in discussing yours 3
Els Posted July 31, 2015 Posted July 31, 2015 (edited) He invited you to come along, you just refused. And despite that, he's still respecting your boundaries and forfeiting the activity entirely because YOU aren't going. I don't know if there's anything else going on in this R, maybe you have a good reason to be paranoid, but just from reading this thread alone it sounds like the problem lies with you and not him. Why don't you just go once and meet her? If he really treats you like 'the third wheel' while you guys are out with her THEN you have just cause for complaint. Currently you're just reaching and assuming an awful lot. Also it's extremely unfair and odd that you can meet your male friends 1 on 1 while he isn't allowed to do the same. What, just because she's pretty? So he has the right to go through your male friends and cross the handsome dudes off your 'allowed-to-meet' list, too? Edit: Okay, I just read the sneakily-texting-his-ex thing. That is absolutely a fair reason for you to mistrust him. But IMO you either need to leave due to that, or try to actually trust him if you choose to stay. Don't stay while feeling the need to micro-manage all his communication with women. This isn't a long-term R or a marriage with children where you might try and work through something like that. It's early enough that there are no real repercussions for leaving and no real history together, so I think you should do that. Edited July 31, 2015 by Elswyth 2
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