My boyfriend kissed another girl!

[totallydumbfounded99]

I have been dating the love of my life for 3 1/2 years now. Last week he went on vacation up north, with a group of friends of ours. I was not able to go, but I wanted to him to go and have fun. (Keep in mind that we are a VERY serious couple. We plan on getting married very soon and we talk about it all the time!)

 

So...before he went up there, a girl from that area came down to visit here. They really hit it off as really good friends. They have similar personalities and they just meshed really well. However, when she left, they would call each other and talk for hours, every once and a while. This made me a little uncomfortable, and so I told him. He told me that I had absolutely nothing to worry about, and that if I wanted him to stop talking to her, he would. Of course, I didn't want to seem like the jealous girlfriend, so I told him it was fine. He eventually stopped call her on his own though.

 

Months went by, and they didn' t call each other, but then she came down for a visit. She and I got to know each other a lot better, and I found out that she really was a cool girl. I really liked her. However, right before he went on vacation to go up there, I found out that she had a crush on him..which I told him I thought she did the whole time. He of course reassured me that nothing would happen while he was up there. He said he didn't like her like that, I mean so much more to him, he wouldn't want to ruin what we have...but that if something did happen, at least it would happen before we were married, which I aggreed to.

 

Anyway, the very last night before he came home, they apparently got really close on the couch when a bunch of them were watching a movie. Everyone had fallen asleep, and he kissed her. He actually made out with her, tongue and all. He told me this 2 days after he got back. I just don't know how to cope with it! I'm really confused. After all, it was just a kiss, but he was so above that! That wasn't like him at all! We never have problems, we are the happiest couple I know. He hasn't even looked at another girl in the 3 years we've been together. We are very open and honest.

 

I Really want to be cool about it, which I think I am. I want to stay together. I think that "what doesnt kill you, makes you stronger." I also think that it was a test of our relationship. He did it...and told me that he regrets and that he loves still loves me more than anything!!

 

Does anyone have any idea how should handle this? Should we go on a break or break up? Should we stay together? Would it be weird if we went ahead and got married soon, as we originally planned? Please help!

[Forget About Her]

Honestly, this would be a deal breaker for me. I could never imagine my g/f making out with another guy, and if he did it once, what makes you think he won't doit again. You seem to be keeping a pretty level head about this, which is good, but if I was in your position I would break it off.

 

If alcohol/drugs were involved, that is one thing. Not that either justify his actions, but at least it explains them.

[SexKitten]

i would take a break and tell him to figure out what it is he really wants.

 

guys can be friends with girls, but if he gets this overly consumed with another girl (like he obviously has with this one) he's not ready to get married, even if he regrets it and it was a mistake--that comes with the territory and it's too late to take it back.

 

don't let him take advantage of you and your kindness and your willingness to trust him. make it known that you will not put up with this kind of thing, and that if wants to be friends with girls, it's friends only...no hours-long conversations, no vacations without you, nothing.

 

he's already proven he can't be trusted in that situation.

 

you didn't deserve this, and you have every right to be angry and confused.

[laRubiaBonita]

wow! this exact thing happened to me!

 

and the thing that pisses me off is how most people discount it as nothing cause it was "just kissing" BS!

 

My bf of a yr, and a few months at the time, made out with a co-worker, that i knew and thought was a nice person.

They had texted back and forth, but they "talked" work stuff sometimes too.

well, he ended up going out with a group of work folks and blah, blah, blah, kissed her. I found out about it through a friend, a few days later....he swore he was gonna tell me.

 

we lived together at the time. He told me he was not sure what he felt.....blah, blah, blah....... i still cannot get over it, especially since they see each other at work...or i assume they do.

 

i ended up moving out, not just because i was having major trust issues, other things too, but that was a big reason. We are still together, i still bring it up, even though it has been a year. i say i have forgiven him, but really i am always second guessing.

Not to mention they still hang out. Recently, actually.....with some other people too, but once again, he did not tell me, until i asked him (like i did not know). But then she also called on On his birthday, while I was there. I was pissed.

 

I cannot get over it.

[noname]

you don't have to take a break or break up unless you are that uncomfortable. you need to find a zone that is comfortable with you.

 

 

don't get me wrong... it would probably be a deal breaker for me if my woman did it. but that is because i wouldn't be able to kiss her again without thinking about her and some other man. you seem to be open to what ever is good for the relationship.

 

so if you feel you can live with it. do so. i would however put off the wedding for a bit. not just because you are unsure of it, but he needs to have some kind of consequence. i'm sure he feels bad but he needs to understand that you take this very seriously. he needs to evaluate this relationship and find out if he is really serious about it. if you don't let him know, he may feel free enough to do it again because it was pretty easy to get off the first time. pattern behavior is nothing to be messed with. and if you tie the knot and these things are still on the table, you guys are gonna crash and burn...

 

it may be weird for some people. but you don't have to explain the reason to them because it is none of their business.

 

and by the way. make sure you kick him in the nuts one good time:-)

[scarlyjones]

YOu can either make this the end,....................or the beginning to a long and painful end. You see,..he caused this feeling of lost trust you will now always have about him,.....whether hes being faithful or not. He may turn this around on YOU one day. You may blame him for being unfaithful or flirting with someone when he didnt do anything wrong....and he may call you on that. Then YOU look like the jealous fool whos at fault. But it ALL stems back to this. This will be the reason why you're blaming him later. LOST TRUST. YOU CANT GET THAT BACK.

[laRubiaBonita]

Originally posted by scarlyjones

YOu can either make this the end,....................or the beginning to a long and painful end. You see,..he caused this feeling of lost trust you will now always have about him,.....whether hes being faithful or not. He may turn this around on YOU one day. You may blame him for being unfaithful or flirting with someone when he didnt do anything wrong....and he may call you on that. Then YOU look like the jealous fool whos at fault. But it ALL stems back to this. This will be the reason why you're blaming him later. LOST TRUST. YOU CANT GET THAT BACK.

 

oh that is BS! He may be able to prove he is trust worthy again, but she also has to be able to forgive and move on.

 

i can tell you Dumbfounded, it will be a hard first few months, and will take a good while to get over his cheating. And this is If you can.

 

he will need to be pro-active in rebuilding your trust as well.

[sarah12]

laRubiaBonita and TDF99, I will give you the perspective of 'the other girl'.

 

I have been that other girl, but in a bit of a different situation. The guy was broken up with his gf and we dated and then he got back together with her months after, a messy situation though because we still had feelings for each other. And even though he swore to his gf he wouldn't talk to me, we still talk to this day but mainly because we have mutual friends. She doesnt trust him, and to be honest, there were times where I don't think she should have trusted him because even though we never kissed or did anything physical while they have been together again, we definitely have crossed the line when it comes to emotional cheating, which in my eyes are much worse than the physical. Once you have that emotional connection, you can't get away from it because there's nothing that can stop you. It's almost like an addiction.

 

Anyways, laRB, you mentioned that you moved out afterwards not just because of that but it was a big reason. I don't want to jump to conclusions here but this sounds very much like this guy I was just talking about because his girlfriend would blame everything wrong in their relationship on the fact that he dated me while they were broken up. Because of this, he lies to her a lot about me, he has to store his emails from me elsewhere (the few mass emails I've sent) because she's deleted them before, she deleted me off his IM and he's not allowed to say hello to me if we see each other out somewhere and she's around. Needless to say he lies to her when all of us hang out as a group (we never cross the line to hang out one on one) and she deleted my birthday email to him. Sound familiar? As someone looking into this relationship from the outside, it doesn't sound like one that has a solid foundation to begin with despite the fact they have been together for 5 years or so. If I were you, I wouldn't trust your boyfriend with this girl, but at the same time there is nothing you can do if he chooses to hang out with her, because he will find ways around it. The most important thing to do now is to work on what you do have with him and making him happy in the relationship with you so he has no one else to run to. It's a tough position to be in, I know.. it's not easy being on this end of things either but I've learned to just deal with what's going on, accept it and I think this guy's girlfriend needs to do the same. It's been a year and a half and she's still extremely bitter, which I don't understand but maybe you could fill me in on it. Why does time not heal this?

[CurlyIam]

Sarah12, you're a disaster waiting to happen. What will happen the next time they have a fight? Something tells me he'll come running back to you.

 

All I can say is that there are 2 types of men: those who're still looking and those who are not. If they're still looking, what can you do? Stalk him? He'll still be looking and the minute you'll get tired, he'll be off where the grass is greener.

 

 

I'm sorry, don't agree. It's his job NOT to contact you, not to SEEK contact with you, not to do a damn thing. Kissing someone else=I'm not sure, I like it too much to be free.

 

 

 

To the original poster: don't marry the guy. Kissing someone else is a major redflag, especially since he knows her from before. It's not just an event, one time happening. It's not an acident, I dare say it looks a bit more like an affair. If you're the woman of his life, he'll change jobs and never meet that woman again in his life.

 

Sad, but true. Don't settle for anything less, there are enough woman out there who do!

[laRubiaBonita]

thanks for the POV Sarah12.

 

i do not see myself marring my guy, but we still have good times.

[sarah12]

Sarah12, you're a disaster waiting to happen.

 

Thanks.

 

There's a lot more to the story than I have written here and believe it or not, the disaster did not happen as I made sure to keep myself safe throughout the entire ordeal. So to answer your question about the next time they have a fight, well, they always have fights, and a lot of the fights are about me, but what can I do. Sure he might come running to me, but what does that have to do with me. They have their relationship and their problems and I have myself to take care of.

 

At the time when he first got back together with the girl, I didn't realize how emotionally attached we were until much later, I was under the impression we could just be friends but it was too hard for both of us, and at that point I mentally took myself out of the situation even though we still see each other often enough due to mutual friends. I could have screwed them over if I wanted to by telling her about his lies and what not, but I've been the 'bigger' person and have never let myself be an option to him. Maybe some day down the road if they break up and he moves on and gets over her (and they have broken up about 4 times now) but not right now. In all honesty, I have cared for him so much to the point that I want him to be happy and it upsets me most to know that he is with someone he isn't happy with, yet is staying in the relationship.

 

 

i do not see myself marring my guy, but we still have good times.

 

laRB, why put yourself through the agony then?

[CurlyIam]

I didn't mean to be on your case, Sarah12. The issue here it's him. He's trying to have the cake and eat it too. They'll break up, eventually, wheather you continue to be an option for him or not. All he's trying right now is to break the routine, the habit of being with her.

 

She's not fighting with him because of you, but because of the things he did for you and to you. His feelings for you. There's a lifetime of fighting in as little as an emotional affair, believe it or not.

 

And then the remourse, the guilt, the letting go part... horrible, you don't want to be more involved than you already were. Although you didn't mean anything bad, yes, you have helped him in destroying their relationship. He started it, although he had no intention of leaving her. This type of men are the worst. And truth is that you can never know.

 

totallydumbfounded99, I hope things turn out for you. I really do. At times I don't know which one is worst - going through with the actual cheating or fighting temptation for the rest of your life!

[RecordProducer]

Originally posted by totallydumbfounded99

I Really want to be cool about it, which I think I am. I also think that it was a test of our relationship. He did it...and told me that he regrets and that he loves still loves me more than anything!!

 

It WAS a test. And on the test you showed that he can get away with cheating. He might be one of those guys who start cheating after a few happy years. Why do anything like that right before marriage? Was it a test to see if he can do it when you're married?

You didn't say anything about what he said in his defense.

It seems that he only informed you what you "should" know (what you should be aware of, I'd say) and you were cool about it. So you gave him the green traffic light to go for it.

See, if he told you "it's okay that you go out with your ex-BF, I don't mind", you would go out with your ex if that's what you would feel like doing. But if he told you "please don't go, I am not comfortable with it", you probably wouldn't, right?

So you showed him that it's okay and cool to cheat on you. And he might take that for granted.

You have to find a way to make him clearly understand that cheating is not allowed and that if he ever kisses another woman, you will leave him no matter what and no matter how many kids and marital assets you have. And you should stand behind your threat.

[sarah12]

At times I don't know which one is worst - going through with the actual cheating or fighting temptation for the rest of your life!

 

Agreed.

 

I'm still not at the stage where I can see him in bad light because of the connection that we do have. Either way I don't see him often and it will become less frequent as he is moving away soon. Anyways I have moved on in a lot of ways, I'm a lot better than I once was and I hope to stay in this state of mind, but of course when you are single, you have nothing else to turn to but to think of 'the one who got away'.

 

I'm not sure if they will break up or not, but at least if they do, it isn't going to be about me. I just think that it's really unfortunate that couples like this do end up staying together and getting married, never to build that trust and never know what they could have and what they deserve.

 

I also agree with RP that TDF99 gave her bf the green light when he said 'at least this happened now and not when we're married'. That should have been a dealbreaker right there. It would have been for me anyhow.