Reallyconfusedheart Posted July 30, 2015 Posted July 30, 2015 I have a long time boyfriend who literally swears a lot including at me, his brother and mother. It seems like it is just part of him being an ******* (which he admits) and for him swearing is just part of his language. Speaking of which, I am not sure if this is some type of abuse. Personally, it hurts when he swears at me but then since I love him I try to understand that it just a flaw to him as a person. Other than that, he has lots of good qualities. I would like to know others opinion about this. Thanks in advance.
Methodical Posted July 30, 2015 Posted July 30, 2015 He's not a guy I would want to be in a relationship with because his foul mouth will probably continue and perhaps become worse if that's even possible. Honestly, a guy that swears at his mother, geez. Nope, not someone I'd ever put up with. You are questioning whether or not his actions are abusive, so on some level you already know they are. Is this the life you want for yourself?
anika99 Posted July 30, 2015 Posted July 30, 2015 What do you mean when you say he swears at you and his mother? Do you mean that he uses swear words when he's just casually talking? Or do mean he gets angry and calls you foul names? If it's the latter then that's a problem and it is abusive. If it's the former well that's a bad habit and if he isn't willing to work on ending that habit then you have to decide if it's tolerable to you or not. Personally I probably wouldn't end a relationship over a guy using foul language if the guy was great in other areas but if he was using foul language to attack me and hurt me I wouldn't stay with him.
darkmoon Posted July 30, 2015 Posted July 30, 2015 i am a swearer, seeing no big deal unless kids are around
casey.lives Posted July 30, 2015 Posted July 30, 2015 i swear now .. i didn't use to but my life got ugly and so did i.. but really it is ugly. people claim it's verbal abuse, even raising your voice is verbal abuse.. so it's hard to tell. i do think if it's done in a fear provoking way .. yes it's a form of violence/abuse
casey.lives Posted July 30, 2015 Posted July 30, 2015 respect is about accommodating different people. some don't feel close unless they can swear and others feel to distance themselves from such expressions.
Phoe Posted July 30, 2015 Posted July 30, 2015 I think it very importantly depends on the context. I can have a bit of a mouth, f**ck is definitely a word I use often. My friends call me a sailor BUT... I don't curse in a way that I am directly swearing at someone in a demeaning way, and wouldn't find it acceptable if someone did so. I can turn it off in an instant too, have total control over it, and if I am in a serious situation where my words are going to have an effect on someone, I won't curse. My cursing is always more lighthearted. 2
WomenWubber Posted July 30, 2015 Posted July 30, 2015 Does he call you the b-word, the c-word and stuff?
d0nnivain Posted July 30, 2015 Posted July 30, 2015 While it's crass, unpleasant & problematic, it's not abuse. Please don't try to dilute real abuse by trying to claim it includes boorish behavior. If you can't stand the cursing & it doesn't look like it will change, walk away. 1
autumnnight Posted July 30, 2015 Posted July 30, 2015 I am assuming that by swearing AT you it means he calls you names, tells you to f-off, that sort of thing? In my mind, that could qualify as a form of verbal abuse. I have a dear friend who cannot tell a story about grocery shopping without throwing a few curse words. And she sometimes calls someone dumba** in an...affectionate? manner. But she would never swear AT someone in anger. If he is swearing AT you in anger, that is a problem, IMO, whether you call it abuse or not. 2
Methodical Posted July 30, 2015 Posted July 30, 2015 I have a long time boyfriend who literally swears a lot including at me, his brother and mother. Speaking of which, I am not sure if this is some type of abuse. Personally, it hurts when he swears at me but then since I love him I try to understand that it just a flaw to him as a person. I took the OP's question much the same way I believe Autumn did...that he is belittling and demeaning her. I don't think swear words in general would hurt her, but I could be wrong.
alphamale Posted July 30, 2015 Posted July 30, 2015 I can have a bit of a mouth, f**ck is definitely a word I use often. My friends call me a sailor i find that hard to believe
anika99 Posted July 30, 2015 Posted July 30, 2015 While it's crass, unpleasant & problematic, it's not abuse. Please don't try to dilute real abuse by trying to claim it includes boorish behavior. If you can't stand the cursing & it doesn't look like it will change, walk away. We are still waiting for the OP to give us context. If he screaming at her, calling her names like c$nt, wh$re, and b$tch then that is absolutely abusive. 1
alphamale Posted July 30, 2015 Posted July 30, 2015 We are still waiting for the OP to give us context. If he screaming at her, calling her names like c$nt, wh$re, and b$tch then that is absolutely abusive. yes agreed, it is classified under emotional abuse
Author Reallyconfusedheart Posted July 30, 2015 Author Posted July 30, 2015 Hello guys.. He calls me every bad word I know especially when he is angry and did not get what he wants. Like F U, bitch, dumbass, idiot. He has anger issues that has improved but then the swearing seems a bit tough for him to resolve. I love him but I want to leave the relationship because of this. After all he has done for me in the past, I don't know if this is a dealbreaker....
Poppyolive Posted July 30, 2015 Posted July 30, 2015 It's abuse, disrespectful & nasty.it is toxic and will wear you down, friend. It's not how you show love. Hace you talked to him about this? Asked him to stop? What did he day? I wonder why you even have to question if this is abuse? Its like its become normal for you. Its already cayded you enough pain. Strengthen your boundaries and leave him. You deserve much better.
jen1447 Posted July 30, 2015 Posted July 30, 2015 Hello guys.. He calls me every bad word I know especially when he is angry and did not get what he wants. Like F U, bitch, dumbass, idiot. He has anger issues that has improved but then the swearing seems a bit tough for him to resolve. I love him but I want to leave the relationship because of this. After all he has done for me in the past, I don't know if this is a dealbreaker.... In that ^ case, he is in fact demeaning you and undermining your self esteem, and that's an abusive thing to do. Showing disrespect to your mother or GF isn't a lifestyle choice, it's a character flaw. Leave the relationship, bc ppl who have these issues tend to have them forever and they're difficult to resolve in a meaningful way. I'm reluctant to put the 'evil to the core' tag on him too but this behavior's often used by controllers, which means it's definitely on purpose - designed to manipulate you into being more manageable for his purposes and so on. That's not someone who has your best interests at heart. 1
turnera Posted July 30, 2015 Posted July 30, 2015 I have a long time boyfriend who literally swears a lot including at me, his brother and mother. It seems like it is just part of him being an ******* (which he admits) and for him swearing is just part of his language. Speaking of which, I am not sure if this is some type of abuse. Personally, it hurts when he swears at me but then since I love him I try to understand that it just a flaw to him as a person. Other than that, he has lots of good qualities. I would like to know others opinion about this. Thanks in advance.My opinion is that you get the treatment you tolerate. When my H starts raising his voice or using bad language, I give him 'my look' and I leave the room. He can yell all he wants - to himself. I will no longer tolerate it. You'd be surprised how much it's disappeared from my life now that I've finally started doing what my therapist pushed me to do (stop accepting it). He now KNOWS I'll leave the house if he starts up on me. He almost never does it now. (and I still leave if he does it) You have the control here.
beach Posted August 1, 2015 Posted August 1, 2015 Hello guys.. He calls me every bad word I know especially when he is angry and did not get what he wants. Like F U, bitch, dumbass, idiot. He has anger issues that has improved but then the swearing seems a bit tough for him to resolve. I love him but I want to leave the relationship because of this. After all he has done for me in the past, I don't know if this is a dealbreaker.... Looks like you are considering marrying him. If it were me - I would reconsider - and not marry him. No one should have to be subjected to that kind of abuse. Run away from him.
RoseVille Posted August 1, 2015 Posted August 1, 2015 Hello guys.. He calls me every bad word I know especially when he is angry and did not get what he wants. Like F U, bitch, dumbass, idiot. He has anger issues that has improved but then the swearing seems a bit tough for him to resolve. I love him but I want to leave the relationship because of this. After all he has done for me in the past, I don't know if this is a dealbreaker.... That's abuse. If he's yelling, "Godd***it! Are you effing kidding me?! I cannot believe you effing did that!" - that's just cursing used for emphasis. What he's doing - calling you names - is abuse.
bathtub-row Posted August 3, 2015 Posted August 3, 2015 (edited) Calling you names is completely unacceptable! People get trapped in relationships like this because "he has good qualities". So what? ALL ABUSERS HAVE GOOD QUALITIES. This is the trap. The part you're missing is that him cursing at you and others is not just a bad quality, it's a DEAL-BREAKER!!! Have you considered what a nightmare your life will be if you marry this guy and have kids?? I can't even begin to describe to you the regret you will feel, and you'll never be able to escape him, even if you divorce him. These men are completely toxic to a woman's life. His abuse will become 10 times worse if you marry him. I can promise you that. What you're seeing is a watered-down version of him. Please do not repeat what so may others have done simply because you see the good qualities in him. Walk away from this trap now while you can! Edited August 3, 2015 by bathtub-row
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