lisbon67 Posted July 30, 2015 Posted July 30, 2015 I only found out about my wife's affair in early March ghis year. It happened many years ago but i was still devastated about her disclosure and all the details. We divorced in early June under the simplified Divorce scheme scotland. But since we separated and lived apart since May this year. ..I have been resentful and bitter. ..but also miserable quite depressed and lonely. My ex wife has been miserable in the bed sit in a nearby town since May. In last couple of weeks we have been talking again and the prospect of making a fresh start and getting back together has even come up. My question is this : She betrayed me terribly. ...but am I not better being bitter and resentful and still have her in the house to be with me and company as I still love her.....that continuing to be bitter and resentful but alone in the house where anger and bitterness in solitude grows. ..??? I am resentful that she has made me feel bitter and resentful against her...I didn't want to feel that way towards the woman I married 12 years ago...
BetrayedH Posted July 30, 2015 Posted July 30, 2015 I only found out about my wife's affair in early March ghis year. It happened many years ago but i was still devastated about her disclosure and all the details. We divorced in early June under the simplified Divorce scheme scotland. But since we separated and lived apart since May this year. ..I have been resentful and bitter. ..but also miserable quite depressed and lonely. My ex wife has been miserable in the bed sit in a nearby town since May. In last couple of weeks we have been talking again and the prospect of making a fresh start and getting back together has even come up. My question is this : She betrayed me terribly. ...but am I not better being bitter and resentful and still have her in the house to be with me and company as I still love her.....that continuing to be bitter and resentful but alone in the house where anger and bitterness in solitude grows. ..??? I am resentful that she has made me feel bitter and resentful against her...I didn't want to feel that way towards the woman I married 12 years ago... As I recall, she never showed any real remorse for her affair, never apologized, and refused to talk about it (got angry, in fact). If you get back together with her, I think you'll be hella angry at yourself. It took me two years after the divorce to really accept what had happened to me and to move on. And that was three years after Dday. It hasn't even been six months for you, brother. And not coincidentally, six months after Dday was when my anger kicked in, too. Unless she has really changed her tune, I think you need to cut off contact with her and stop looking at her as a potential salve for your wounds. Rebuild your life. Find new interests. And get yourself healthy for the attention of a new woman. Like the photo with the hat, by the way. 3
road Posted July 30, 2015 Posted July 30, 2015 I only found out about my wife's affair in early March ghis year. It happened many years ago but i was still devastated about her disclosure and all the details. We divorced in early June under the simplified Divorce scheme scotland. But since we separated and lived apart since May this year. ..I have been resentful and bitter. ..but also miserable quite depressed and lonely. My ex wife has been miserable in the bed sit in a nearby town since May. In last couple of weeks we have been talking again and the prospect of making a fresh start and getting back together has even come up. My question is this : She betrayed me terribly. ...but am I not better being bitter and resentful and still have her in the house to be with me and company as I still love her.....that continuing to be bitter and resentful but alone in the house where anger and bitterness in solitude grows. ..??? I am resentful that she has made me feel bitter and resentful against her...I didn't want to feel that way towards the woman I married 12 years ago... Many a BH go through an anger phase that starts about 6 months after D day and lasts for about 6 months. Many divorce then remarry again. And, this can happen for you. You now know everything if not then get it all out in the open. Then put things in place to know there is NC and your WW is not having any opp sex friends. This is called affair proofing your marriage. Conditions that allowed the affair to go happen and go on undetected must be removed. WW has to be willing to rebuild the trust she has broken. How did you find out about the affair? 1
GoBlue Posted July 30, 2015 Posted July 30, 2015 Anger and bitterness are normal responses to a betrayal of this nature. You do not, however, have to stay there. If you are serious about the possibility of reconciling with your wife it is essential to work through the heartache and pain. A professional counselor or Pastor can be very beneficial to this process. I would never recommend that you just work it out together because there is something about the help a non-partisan third party that is very effective. There is a couple books that would be a great place to start: Torn Asunder: Recovering from an Extramarital Affair and Unfaithful: Hope and Healing After Infidelity. My thoughts and prayers are with you. 3
VeryBrokenMan Posted July 30, 2015 Posted July 30, 2015 This is the hard truth of cheating, regardless of whether you choose to stay or divorce you will be angry, bitter and resentful if that is what you choose to be. She can't resolve those feelings for you no matter what she does. She can help by being remorseful and a good wife going forward but those feelings are yours to fix. To be really happy again you have to let those feelings go and unlike many here that is a CHOICE you can make. That choice is not for her, it's for you. Living a life full of those emotions is just not worth it and it can destroy you. In my experience I was able to let those feelings go by month 6 or so but it was a conscious choice I made to move forward and not let my WW dictate the rest of my life or happiness. 2
casey.lives Posted July 30, 2015 Posted July 30, 2015 as a resentful/bitter person myself.. it's not the person leaving me that made me this way .. it was way more than that.. but what accounts for my attitude today is that i closed that chapter and healed and forgave only to be met with hatefulness, more aggression and leading to a hostile take over. My feelings today are due to my present circumstances. a hacker stalker ex who relishes in his games 1
World's.Edge Posted July 30, 2015 Posted July 30, 2015 Good Idea = Divorcing your adulterous, unremorseful and unashamedly entitled wife Bad Idea = Getting back together with your adulterous, unremorseful and unashamedly entitled ex-wife Your feelings of wanting to get back together are not uncommon, even in the unhealthiest, most terrible relationships those feelings still linger. It takes a while to work through infidelity, an average of two years is often stated, and also time to be over someone. You're only a few months out, be patient with yourself, it was sudden and will take time to process. You will go through it all, anger, depression, sadness, longing, resentment, bitterness. These feelings are normal. You, however cannot allow yourself to wallow and stagnate your life. You have to take the initiate and be proactive in your recovery and in your life, even if you feel like you don't have it on you. It is an awful idea for you to reconcile with your wife, a dumba** f****** idea. How would that even look like? Do you actually see yourself being less resentful and bitter around her? That these feelings won't grow as you see her happy and enjoying her life unconcerned for your well-being and how you're dealing with how she treated you? You don't have to be some sad, depressed, bitter sack. Don't indulge these feelings in you and allow them to become who you are. Do not speak to her of reconciling, only matters that are a must. Contact with your ex-wife should be minimal or non existent. Great Idea = You NOT continuing to be bitter and resentful but alone in the house where anger and bitterness in solitude grows Even Greater Idea = You having an actual life That's you staying fit and healthy: workout, exercise, join a gym, play a sport, take up a hobby, eat healty. Socialize, spend time with friends and family. There's an entire world full of descent, fun people for you to meet. Go out somewhere you've never been, do something different. Travel if you can, somewhere you've always wanted to or take a trip. Learn an instrument, join a band, take dancing lessons, whatever. There are so many options open to you. 2
drifter777 Posted July 30, 2015 Posted July 30, 2015 lisbon67: Get busy! Go out and have some fun for Christ's sake. There have to be other women in your area to play with so go get some. Considering taking back your WW means you don't have an alternative to companionship and female company in general. Fix this - it's not hard. No matter how afraid you are to get back in the game just try it. A couple of girlfriends will go a long way toward clearing your mind and allowing you to begin true healing. 1
Author lisbon67 Posted July 30, 2015 Author Posted July 30, 2015 Thx for replies folks... BH....yep ur absolutely right...her tune hasn't changed much at all...she's still.making me feel like I'm the one hoping and chasing that she'll come back. ..her lying cheating adulterous affair with the black guy she met in the pub...and went on for about 4 months...as far as I know..maybe longer after underground...was 11 years ago...but she only spewed out the truth in march. ..so part of me thinks "well it was 11 yeas ago...give her the benefit of the doubt"....but I agree ...instead of being lonely in the house I might just ger even angrier. ..I concerned u guys saying the anger gets worse after 6 months. ..cause I'm only about 4 down the road...and I've been extremely angry and tight I was past the worst of that. . ...guess I'm just feeling a bit sorry for myself and lonely....and I was kinda addicted to her...like a drug
Author lisbon67 Posted July 30, 2015 Author Posted July 30, 2015 Thx for replies folks... BH....yep ur absolutely right...her tune hasn't changed much at all...she's still.making me feel like I'm the one hoping and chasing that she'll come back. ..her lying cheating adulterous affair with the black guy she met in the pub...and went on for about 4 months...as far as I know..maybe longer after underground...was 11 years ago...but she only spewed out the truth in march. ..so part of me thinks "well it was 11 yeas ago...give her the benefit of the doubt"....but I agree ...instead of being lonely in the house I might just ger even angrier. ..I concerned u guys saying the anger gets worse after 6 months. ..cause I'm only about 4 down the road...and I've been extremely angry and thought I was past the worst of that. . ...guess I'm just feeling a bit sorry for myself and lonely....and I was kinda addicted to her...like a drug
Author lisbon67 Posted July 30, 2015 Author Posted July 30, 2015 VBH....yep I totally agree....I no.longer want to be resentful and bitter...its not my nature. ..why should I continue to feel that's it's me that's taking the life wrecking poison that should be 'enjoyed' by WW and the other
TrustedthenBusted Posted July 30, 2015 Posted July 30, 2015 You can't see the future if you are staring at the past. Turn around, man. Best of luck. 1
m.snow Posted July 30, 2015 Posted July 30, 2015 (edited) your 50 try to stop thinking bout' what happened many years ago. time to enjoy life, the clock is ticking. you cant let the past hold you down. if you look at it deeper. your anger stems from the braking of a moral code "monogamy". maybe you just need to change that mind set your perspective. may be its time to replace that moral lens from which you view the world. and get a new pair. go out have fun enjoy life go to a bar meet other women you don't have to marry them just enjoy there company. have tried having a date, fling, casual sex or ons. enjoying, dating and having sex with women this does not equate you to have to marry them or commit to them. OR since your with your ex wife forget the past and just enjoy her company. your losing nothing just by enjoying her company. your already divorced what else can you lose? try not to think to much about it. Just Do It. Nothing to lose do you still have sex with ex-wife? frequency? you probably need to ramp it up. Edited July 30, 2015 by m.snow
Author lisbon67 Posted July 30, 2015 Author Posted July 30, 2015 W edge...I like ur good idea bad idea scenario. ..its no doubt a bad idea to wade back into muddy foul water... its probably because I was addicted to her...code pendent. ..despite how toxic she was much of ge time... its just so difficult coz I do miss her...and the depression. .sadly...makes me crave for her more...at times...rather than jump up and join an archery club or whatever or attend the gym all hours. ..motivation is so difficult when anxious and depressed... I certainly don't want to stagnate and hold these harmful emotions. .
Author lisbon67 Posted July 30, 2015 Author Posted July 30, 2015 Drift. ..good advice and good to hear from you...I know this is the road I should be going down...just it's hard...after being in contact again with her.. she's still manipulating. ..and still.not facing up to her behaviour then...or in last few months
Author lisbon67 Posted July 30, 2015 Author Posted July 30, 2015 M snow. ..going by others advice. ..and my own instincts. ..head wise. ..tell me that just enjoying ex WW company is Not ...a good idea...it just rubs her claws along my gut too much...yet again. . ..and we've had sex only once since divorce. ..probs not a good idea either. .. I do still crave her calls or meeting her...but when I do...I just feel worse after it. ..like the atmospheres poisoned. ..its a front for me...I even found myself snarling at her back...actual.face moving into a snarl. .but not saying anything to her...then acting normally when she turned around. ..my stress levels go way up when I see her....yet I still crave it....its crazy
Author lisbon67 Posted July 30, 2015 Author Posted July 30, 2015 BTW. ...where s my pal Lionheart. ..she was so good to me last time on here. ..a true confidante. ..! hope she's ok.....
Author lisbon67 Posted July 31, 2015 Author Posted July 31, 2015 Goblue. .yup I agree ...if there was a remote chance of Rec. ..it would require a very good counsellor or pastor or priest to help us through it and guide us...thx for your valued comments
TX-SC Posted July 31, 2015 Posted July 31, 2015 Choose option C: Stop feeling sorry for yourself, stop talking to her, and get on with your life. Life is simply too short to spend it with someone who had an affair and still treats you like crap. Seriously, start looking for the GOOD in life and start enjoying the little things. Your time with her was not a complete loss. You had some good times I'm sure. Now it's time to let her wallow in her own mess and you go on with your life and MAYBE find someone new in the process. Heck, even if you don't find someone new, enjoy being with YOU. 1
Raena Posted July 31, 2015 Posted July 31, 2015 I still feel the way you do and it's been almost 2 years for me. Sometimes I miss him so much that it physically hurts. It makes me feel like I'm sinking into nothingness... hopelessness. I was with him for 11 years as well. There is something about being with a person for so long that makes them so much a part of you that when they are gone, you still feel their presence. It's like when someone has a limb amputated but can still feel their ghost limb as if it's still there.... but it isn't and never will be again. That's the best way I can describe it. You can reattach a limb in some instances, but it will never be the same after the team of doctor's fix it up. That's why people are telling you that if you DO decide to get back with her, to make sure you get some help. You can't do it completely alone. When I get into those modes, I just let it happen. I cry, I write, I cry some more. It's really freaking pathetic, I should be over it by now. That's what I keep saying to myself about it. Stop being so pathetic. He's gone, he isn't coming back, even if he wanted to I couldn't be with him ever again. But the truth is, everyone deals with grief differently. The same is true for you. Instead of covering it up, let it happen. Feel sad. It's ok, it's normal. I mean, don't wallow in there all day every day... but allow yourself to feel sad and angry and furious. Just don't let it take control of your life. The way I see it, if I don't go through all of this now, on my own, before dating someone else, then I'm setting myself up for failure in future relationships. I also know that no matter how tempting it would be to forgive my ex and try to reconnect our family... it will never happen and even if it did, it wouldn't ever be healthy. The same is probably true for you. You divorced her for a reason. It was a very valid reason to do so, stick to it. 1
Author lisbon67 Posted July 31, 2015 Author Posted July 31, 2015 TX...yep ur right...i need to look forward and stop rumination on the past and the details of her deceit and A....I even made yesterday as a kind of turning point day for me...I threw my wedding ring into the River Clyde (tho i admit i did batter f**k out of it with a small hammer in my back garden first) last night and decided in my mind that that was it...no looking back. Someone on here did the same I remember when I was on here looking for help back in march after DDAy...it might have been Drifter./...but he said he walked away from his wifes home..went and sat under a bridge near the river...threw his ring into the waters...stood up and never looked back..that inspired me and was in my thoughts last night...I threw it as far as i could...onlya strip of gold rather than a ring mind you so harder to throw... But as Raena says..its just so hard..after 12 years being with the person...u and I know its a toxic atmosphere but still we crave it.. since marcg I have been getting traetment for quite serious anxiety and depression..ive tried various anti ds..but i really dont like them abnd gave up on all of them so far..ive even had apouitments with therapists and two witha psychiatrist...but she said its nota psychiatric illness...its as all u guys have said to me on here..the symptoms are quite normal in the circumstances and its time and therapy and cbt I need. Im still fighting the anger that we had 11 years of doing evereything togewther..then she suddenly lands on my the 3 or 4 months affiar that she was in nearly 12 years ago... I know I should get up and joing flower arranging or archery or pund the gym or go travel etc...but when ur depressed its hard to motivate to do much at all...and of course I dont intend to wallow or mops any more..but it is very hard...i dont really have the confidence at the mo to meet new people get new woman join clubs etc...i was having some pronb with panic attacks recently and I need to conquer these first...and EVERETHING im sufferung is die to my thoughts about her lying and cheating and makinga total fool of me... ..but from yesterdatyy...no more ...!!
BetrayedH Posted July 31, 2015 Posted July 31, 2015 TX...yep ur right...i need to look forward and stop rumination on the past and the details of her deceit and A....I even made yesterday as a kind of turning point day for me...I threw my wedding ring into the River Clyde (tho i admit i did batter f**k out of it with a small hammer in my back garden first) last night and decided in my mind that that was it...no looking back. Someone on here did the same I remember when I was on here looking for help back in march after DDAy...it might have been Drifter./...but he said he walked away from his wifes home..went and sat under a bridge near the river...threw his ring into the waters...stood up and never looked back..that inspired me and was in my thoughts last night...I threw it as far as i could...onlya strip of gold rather than a ring mind you so harder to throw... But as Raena says..its just so hard..after 12 years being with the person...u and I know its a toxic atmosphere but still we crave it.. since marcg I have been getting traetment for quite serious anxiety and depression..ive tried various anti ds..but i really dont like them abnd gave up on all of them so far..ive even had apouitments with therapists and two witha psychiatrist...but she said its nota psychiatric illness...its as all u guys have said to me on here..the symptoms are quite normal in the circumstances and its time and therapy and cbt I need. Im still fighting the anger that we had 11 years of doing evereything togewther..then she suddenly lands on my the 3 or 4 months affiar that she was in nearly 12 years ago... I know I should get up and joing flower arranging or archery or pund the gym or go travel etc...but when ur depressed its hard to motivate to do much at all...and of course I dont intend to wallow or mops any more..but it is very hard...i dont really have the confidence at the mo to meet new people get new woman join clubs etc...i was having some pronb with panic attacks recently and I need to conquer these first...and EVERETHING im sufferung is die to my thoughts about her lying and cheating and makinga total fool of me... ..but from yesterdatyy...no more ...!! Someone once told me, "It's difficult to drive forward when your eyes are always in the rear-view mirror." 2
MarkusM Posted July 31, 2015 Posted July 31, 2015 (edited) I only found out about my wife's affair in early March ghis year. It happened many years ago but i was still devastated about her disclosure and all the details. We divorced in early June under the simplified Divorce scheme scotland. But since we separated and lived apart since May this year. ..I have been resentful and bitter. ..but also miserable quite depressed and lonely. My ex wife has been miserable in the bed sit in a nearby town since May. In last couple of weeks we have been talking again and the prospect of making a fresh start and getting back together has even come up. My question is this : She betrayed me terribly. ...but am I not better being bitter and resentful and still have her in the house to be with me and company as I still love her.....that continuing to be bitter and resentful but alone in the house where anger and bitterness in solitude grows. ..??? I am resentful that she has made me feel bitter and resentful against her...I didn't want to feel that way towards the woman I married 12 years ago... Dear Lisbon67: There's a lot to consider over your wife's confession - an important regard is her need for you to know. This indicates she doesn't want to live with the guilt. However, it's up to you to discern to what cause - Moreover, this situation is typical of one where the offending spouse has genuine love and needs to be forgiven for their mistake. Learning of her affair from the past gives you a time period since then to evaluate and critique her behavior in the relationship. Because you still love her, how would you expect to be able to overcome your anger if she's not there (daily) to prove to you her regrets and to express her need for reconciliation. In my case, I chose not to divorce. I searched all my feelings to learn that the list of reasons to stay to together greatly outweighed her affair. Make no mistake, I absolutely hate what she did, but I love her too much, and I know she loves me. She's proving to me every day that she wants things to be even better than what we had before. Daily/weekly communication insuring trust building and emotional repair has been essential to success. This couldn't have been achieved if we were separated - It has been a difficult, but progressive year of healing. Love is not something that happens only when it is expressed by word or deed. It is an abiding devotion which compels faithfulness and enduring thoughts in the absence of the one who is loved. Love is a controlling virtue with a force that is proportionate to its depth. Sharing good times and hard times, holding each other through traumas and disasters over an extended period of time develops the kind of love of which we speak, while those involved remain faithful and honorable. The level or degree to which one loves can only be measured by the extent to which it has been tested. Proven love, under the most severe form of testing is the highest level of love. Those who love one another are never in competition with one another. But it is understood that each party wants the one that he loves to possess all things that may be possessed honorably. It is considered a given that people who are near or at such a higher level of love are not driven by excessive ambition, deceit, or any other base motive. Best Regards Edited July 31, 2015 by MarkusM Additional thoughts 1
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