To people who left and jumped into a new relationship and made it work

[binrob]

Basically you were in a LTR with someone and then you dump them and jump into a new relationship almost immediately and made it work. How were you able to that? What made it work? What were your feelings like?

[Mrin]

Tried it. Didn't work. Total disaster.

[David87]

People leave for a good reason, but new relationship after BU usually doesn't work.

[foolinlove79]

I tried that once many years ago. New rs was ok for a while. I think it was a distraction so wouldnt think about my ex. Even though i bu with him. At first i thought he was great and told everyone he was everything i thought i wanted. Ended badly. I actually think my judgement was clouded cos i was messed up after my rs. I probably should have just taken some time for myself. ..

[erklat]

The only ex I have absolutely no feelings for is the one I

jumped into that sort of rs with.

[lana-banana]

How were you able to [do] that?

 

We broke up with our long-term SOs (in his case, a live-in girlfriend of nearly four years) and chose to be together. Practically speaking that was it.

 

The blunt truth nobody wants to admit is that all relationships aren't created equal. Some people change your life and some people don't. In our case, we were both dating great people who just weren't great for us. I was holding on to my relationship because I thought there had to be something wrong with me for not falling in love with such a great catch on paper; he was holding on because he felt depressed and isolated. Those are terrible reasons to be in a relationship. Unfortunately, the older you get, the harder it is to break off a relationship that's not actually bad.

 

What made it work?

 

The same things that make any relationship work: honesty, respect, and commitment. Before we made it official we had several serious conversations about our concerns. We had broken up with our SOs by then but still seriously considered the pros and cons of dating before we decided to go for it. We also deliberately kept contact limited in the first six or eight weeks so he could process the emotions involved with his ex (understandably) lashing out at him and figuring out where he would move. I got a few texts along the lines of "I really want to see you right now, but that would be using you to get over my feelings and that's not fair to either of us, I just want you to know I'm thinking of you".

 

I think it also helped that we were colleagues at the time. We already knew how to disagree and articulate ourselves in a professional manner, which made the tough conversations easier.

 

What were your feelings like?

 

Elation, ecstasy, relief. It's easy to convince yourself that there's no such thing as Mr. Right and we're all just settling and compromising until Mr. Right waltzes into your life. The first time we were together everything just clicked in a way that left me breathless. Even now when we're occasionally annoyed at each other over petty things I'm a million times happier than I ever was with my last SO. He feels the same way.

[ravfour4]

Lana - how long have you been in that relationship?

[aisuru]

I went from a 6+ year relationship (and we lived together) directly into another relationship that lasted for 2 years.

 

I spent the last couple months of the first relationship getting over that relationship so by the time I moved out, I had emotionally moved on.

 

That's how that happens.

Edited July 30, 2015 by aisuru
typo

[PrettyEmily77]

I jumped from a 6 month-R to a 6-year R in the blink of an eye when younger, then another LTR of just under 3 years fairly quickly after that, and yet another near 6-year R, before taking a year out from any types of R to get to know myself better and try to understand why I was jumping from one unsuitable R to the next because I wanted to break the pattern.

 

 

I did some very light dating for a few months and so was in a healthy, happy, relaxed state of mind when I met my BF after near enough 2 years being single.

 

 

I would now highly recommend / encourage ppl to take a long break after a break-up to reassess priorities and understand better what you want from a R / life in general.

[contel3]

I only did that as a teen...I felt nothing. Pushed the ex out of my mind and enjoyed the new RS. Thoughts about the ex would only come back months later when I wasn't distracted by the honeymoon period anymore.

[central]

I left a long term marriage that I had been ready to leave for years, so I started dating within weeks of moving out. I quickly met a lot of women (about 50), and briefly dated some. However, it was only a few months before I met my ideal match. (I had done a lot of thinking and research and knew what I wanted and needed from someone in a relationship.)

 

Sixteen years later and it's the Best Relationship Ever! Yes, it works.

 

I'm not sure if this qualifies as "jumping" into a new relationship, but I moved on quickly.

[aloneinaz]

1.4 year toxic, dysfunctional relationship ended (I was dumped). I started dating 2 months later. Met a woman 3.5 months after being dumped. We're together now 2 years, live together and I couldn't be happier.

[lana-banana]

Lana - how long have you been in that relationship?

 

Over a year now. We are in "pre-pre marital planning"; we've agreed we want to get married and are working in that direction. He admits he never once desired to marry his ex but it just feels right with me. Likewise the thought of marrying my ex made me nauseated, but I'd marry my current boyfriend in a heartbeat.

[binrob]

I tried that once many years ago. New rs was ok for a while. I think it was a distraction so wouldnt think about my ex. Even though i bu with him. At first i thought he was great and told everyone he was everything i thought i wanted. Ended badly. I actually think my judgement was clouded cos i was messed up after my rs. I probably should have just taken some time for myself. ..

 

How long did it last?

[foolinlove79]

How long did it last?

 

 

It lasted about a year i think.

But like i said they were a replacement and distraction so i didnt have to deal with th bu.

At the time i thought he was great for me. We liked all yhe same things etc and i was telling everyone how great he was.

But... i wasnt in love with him. And never was.

[carhill]

Got a positive outcome one....

 

IMO, key was growing the potential before the move, then jumping right into it when tension was high. However, it takes practice to manage the emotional content in oneself and handle the new person.

 

Good news is still going strong five years later.

 

My exW was a pro, I'll give her that. She knew how to handle men. Still does. Essentially continuously married since she was 18 until she divorced her third, me, and had the new LTR already living in before we divorced. Bang boom. It works!

[ExpatInItaly]

Many years ago, I broke up with my ex with whom I'd been in a 5-year relationship, lived together for 3 years. I met another guy about 1.5 months later and we started a relationship.

 

When I left my ex, my feelings for him were already gone. I admit I checked out before I actually ended the relationship so when I met the new guy, it wasn't difficult for me to start dating. I ended up staying with that new guy for nearly 8 years, and we were quite happy together.

[elaine567]

There needs to be a distinction made here between dumpers and dumpees.

 

Dumpers make the decision to leave the relationship and have most likely checked out weeks, months before hand.

They meet someone else pretty quick having got their head in order and know what they want. It is not a rebound, as they are usually over the ex and are free in their mind to love again. The new relationship can work out well. It has the same chance as any other.

Dumpees are often completely blindsided by the split and are heart broken. They can meet someone else quickly and they can grab on to that new person as

 

1. They need to feel better.
   
2. They are lonely, they need the companionship, the sex, the intimacy.
   
3. They may even just need to show the dumper they are over him/her and have moved on. (BUT they are still usually still grieving)
   

They often do not put much thought into who or what they want - just about anyone who is willing will do.

It is a rebound relationship. They can hurt the new person very badly.

They grow to realize the new person is NOT their ex and never will be, and at that point the new relationship is doomed.

The chances of this type of relationship working well are slim.

 

Dumpers can jump into to new relationships quickly and it often works out well.

 

Dumpees I would suggest need to leave time to let themselves heal first and get over their ex, before they jump feet first into another relationship. Saying that, new relationships can help a person heal, but it is just a bit tough on the poor new person, who may be highly invested and will in turn be heart broken when it all goes belly up...

[lana-banana]

The post above needs to be pinned. There is a huge difference between the mental/emotional preparedness of the dumpers vs. the dumpees. If I break up with a guy I am ready to date again instantly. If he breaks up with me? Not a chance. I would be infinitely more wary of someone who rushes into a relationship immediately after being dumped.

[binrob]

I tried that once many years ago. New rs was ok for a while. I think it was a distraction so wouldnt think about my ex. Even though i bu with him. At first i thought he was great and told everyone he was everything i thought i wanted. Ended badly. I actually think my judgement was clouded cos i was messed up after my rs. I probably should have just taken some time for myself. ..

 

There needs to be a distinction made here between dumpers and dumpees.

 

Dumpers make the decision to leave the relationship and have most likely checked out weeks, months before hand.

They meet someone else pretty quick having got their head in order and know what they want. It is not a rebound, as they are usually over the ex and are free in their mind to love again. The new relationship can work out well. It has the same chance as any other.

Dumpees are often completely blindsided by the split and are heart broken. They can meet someone else quickly and they can grab on to that new person as

 

1. They need to feel better.
   
2. They are lonely, they need the companionship, the sex, the intimacy.
   
3. They may even just need to show the dumper they are over him/her and have moved on. (BUT they are still usually still grieving)
   

They often do not put much thought into who or what they want - just about anyone who is willing will do.

It is a rebound relationship. They can hurt the new person very badly.

They grow to realize the new person is NOT their ex and never will be, and at that point the new relationship is doomed.

The chances of this type of relationship working well are slim.

 

Dumpers can jump into to new relationships quickly and it often works out well.

 

Dumpees I would suggest need to leave time to let themselves heal first and get over their ex, before they jump feet first into another relationship. Saying that, new relationships can help a person heal, but it is just a bit tough on the poor new person, who may be highly invested and will in turn be heart broken when it all goes belly up...

 

Well the name of the topic is "to people who LEFT.." so I assume those who are posting are all dumpers unless they misunderstood my topic.

[carhill]

IME, it can work either way, with the apparent dumper/dumpee assignment being relatively superfluous to the actual events, similar to how it can be irrelevant to the relationship who actually files for divorce.

 

Example: One party, having a change of heart or meeting the next iteration in their lives, sours the milk of the current relationship, but by bit, while growing the next iteration, bit by bit, until the current relationship partner, though unaware of goings-on, feels something has gone horribly sideways and dumps the other party. In this scenario, the 'dumpee' is actually the 'dumper' in the emotional sense, as they've already moved on but the other party, the person that dumped them, gets the 'dumper' label and all the social fallout that goes with it.

 

Due to experiencing a myriad of psychological scenarios, including this one, I finally opted out in my 50's and life has been far healthier and more peaceful. Some folks have the psychology to manage this stuff; I do not. They can make it work.

[Els]

How soon is almost immediately, OP? Also, which of the persons are you?

 

 

I went from a 6+ year relationship (and we lived together) directly into another relationship that lasted for 2 years.

 

I spent the last couple months of the first relationship getting over that relationship so by the time I moved out, I had emotionally moved on.

 

That's how that happens.

 

I agree. In many cases, the dumper has already spent a good amount of time moving on, before ending the R. Whether this is a good thing to do or not is probably debatable, but it's true, and it probably doesn't affect the next R.

[Unlucky_I_Guess]

 

Dumpers make the decision to leave the relationship and have most likely checked out weeks, months before hand.

They meet someone else pretty quick having got their head in order and know what they want. It is not a rebound, as they are usually over the ex and are free in their mind to love again. The new relationship can work out well. It has the same chance as any other...

 

Of course, the adverse of this is if the relationship didn't work partly due to issues experienced by the dumper themselves (Low self-esteem, communication issues, morals, etc.). By delving straight into another relationship right away, they haven't given themselves time to reflect and correct these issues and are most likely doomed to repeat them. I'm not saying this happens every time, but it is likely.

[elaine567]

Of course, the adverse of this is if the relationship didn't work partly due to issues experienced by the dumper themselves (Low self-esteem, communication issues, morals, etc.). By delving straight into another relationship right away, they haven't given themselves time to reflect and correct these issues and are most likely doomed to repeat them. I'm not saying this happens every time, but it is likely.

 

Yes, of course. NO relationship is guaranteed to work, every person brings their own baggage.

[elaine567]

The other aspect to the the dumper/dumpee dynamic, I didn't mention above, is the dumpee who is in reality the dumper.

 

Someone who has perhaps checked out, someone who is unhappy, someone who has decided the relationship is not for them, but instead of dumping their partner, they make the other partner's life so miserable that the other partner as no choice but to dump them.

 

In that instance the dumper can be cut up, miserable and grieving, whilst the dumpee moves on quite happily having achieved their objective.