OM/OW? Or had an Affair? You are bad relationship material

[Truthstar]

Why does this hypocrisy not surprise me.....

 

OP, we have a rants section. Is this really a discussion?

 

Autumnight > it's a discussion, as you can see many different opinions from a variety of pov's have been discussed here already.

I think men of women who are willingly staying in an affair while knowingly they are betraying the SO of the AP, have low boundaries, or even worse, doesn't know what boundaries are. They may perfectly know what is right or wrong. But their lack of moral and their weakness or is it their lack of personality? prevent them to walk away and choose the right path. I really do think these kind of people are cheaters or 'future' cheaters (if they haven't cheated before yet), as they tolerate bad behaviors from their MM or MW, lying, deceit, betrayal? They don't care, as long their own selfish needs are met. This makes them Bad (Long term) Relationship material. These are troubled souls, and unless they repent and truely learned their lessons and be a good person, their lives (relationships) will always be doomed. yes, they will get short lived entertainment and fun, but they end up miserable and taking other ones with them to their downfall with their acts.

 

Will they ever learn? Would you give them a chance?

Edited August 5, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[oldshirt]

I was with several MW when I was in my mid 20s.

 

I will be married 20 years in two months and I have never cheated on my wife and have been a good supportive husband and loving, involved father to my family.

 

I don't think that I have been a bad husband or bad marriage material at all during the past 20 years.

[autumnnight]

and unless they repent and truely learned their lessons and be a good person, their lives (relationships) will always be doomed.

 

Ah...but you have contradicted yourself. Unless you are saying that a former cheater who has learned, repented, and grown can cease to be bad relationship material.

[toolforgrowth]

Ah...but you have contradicted yourself. Unless you are saying that a former cheater who has learned, repented, and grown can cease to be bad relationship material.

 

For me, I'm not saying that this can't happen. I believe it can. It's just a risk that I'm not prepared to take. I've been cheated on once. I tried dating a ex WW a couple years ago, who in the end had no issues with dumping me to go back to her ex (not the one she cheated on), although I'm pretty sure she humped him before she actually broke up with me. Via text, I might add.

 

I'm not saying they're all bad relationship material. My experience has just led me to conclude that they're too risky for me to attempt a relationship with. No judgment on those who can.

[Confused48]

I've been a OW and that doesn't change my ability and/or desire to be with one person...

 

I'm a one-man-woman...period. If things ain't working out with us, I end it.

 

I'm not a fan of "open" RLs, "polyamorous" stuff and all that jazz either.

 

Maybe I was comfortable in being a OW cuz in some religions men can have more than one "wife"...yes, I said "wife". And, no, I'm not talking about those weirdo cults where the one guy has a ton of "wives" - all of which he probably had sex with when they were minors, there's abuse/brainwashing, etc. So, he can sit on a throne over a harem of females who are at his beck and call - while he files for welfare and/or public assistance to pay for all of it, cuz yep, he is not a "man"...just a jerk.

 

Going back to the "religion" thing. In some religions/cultures a man is allowed to have more than one "wife" and the term "wife" is emphasized cuz he just can't pick up some woman and do her on the side in the shadows. For one, he must seek his current wife's approval...for two, he must be able to afford it (for example, if he buys a dress for one wife, the next wife gets one too), and he must treat each wife with dignity and respect (again, no mistress he sees in dark alleys, he carries each wife in public and they have equal, respectful status as his main squeezes).

 

Now, while these religions allow the more than one wifey thing, it more was used in war times where husbands were killed and wives left alone - especially with kids, needed a man to step up and take care of them, especially with the shortage of available men for them to remarry them and their "baggage". Also, let's say a wife is infertile...well, instead of divorcing her and/or her remaining perpetually single cuz she can't start a family, dude just gets a 2nd wife that they pick.

 

Women may stub their nose and be like "I'd never be with a dude who had/wanted more than one wife, but when I see the amount of women who tolerate cheating and/or become the OW, making the other woman a "wife" sounds like a better option to me.

 

And yes, like every one said - you can't paint things with a broad brush. My last FWB was married, and while I was the OW, I never saw anyone else while with him...but he sure did, and told me like just before he decided to divorce his wife and then went on his little "expedition" to sleep around cuz he didn't wanna be tied down to anyone.

 

Was he a low character jerk/cheater? I can't say, cuz in a FWB, it is implied that you aren't exclusive and while I only knew his side of the story, sounds like he was getting "starved" sexually and emotionally his abusive ex...

 

But still, I think him wanting to spread his wings by jumping from bed to bed was low character and immature....

 

The behavior you describe was once a good survival strategy, in different times. Now? I don't think so. And it was never moral to lie, cheat and steal from an intimate partner.

 

Think of how a woman would have been treated in times past, or even now in some circles, a woman that wants to have multiple male partners. Is she respected and admired for having multiple male partners. Multiple fathers of her children?

 

No, these women are looked down upon for the most part. Pitied. Despised even.

 

So are men like that viewed by modern evolved people. People not still influenced by past survival techniques.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

OP has many fails. Not all OM/OW are married or in a relationship. A single OM/OW is not cheating per say. Cheaters don't have to be married. Cheaters or people who get into affairs with others, aren't necessarily going to do that kind of thing again. Predicting future unethical relationship behavior depends on a few factors such as; the reason why they did it, past examples, maturity level & the person's moral compass.

 

 

I was a single OM to my ex who dumped me, but we kept seeing each other as a part time lite RS or very good FWB. I was young, very immature & had no respect for the guy she dumped me for & was going out with. We were horrible RS material, but had an intense sexual chemistry between us. We were both virgins & were perfectly matched sexually. We both had very high sex drives & could get each other off without trying. Whenever we were together it was instant lust & we'd get it on like Donkey Kong, any chance we had. Her BF couldn't come close to matching her high sex drive or satisfy her much at all sexually. She wanted me around as much as possible & I could care less that she was with someone else. We had an idyllic year like that before they moved out of state. She got the attention she craved while her bf was working & enough quality sex to keep her happy. We spent enough time together to stay bonded, but not enough to get on each others nerves, if that makes sense. I was happy because I got enough sleep, had enough great sex to stay very satisfied & had most of the benefits of a RS, without her negative issues. There was no drama or excitement about our affair, it just seemed natural. I still loved her, but knew we were not right for each other full time. I was never jealous that he got to spend more time with her & didn't think about him other than logistically. I know she was still into me, as she'd attack me when I showed up & was upset if I was late more then 5 minutes. She'd tell me how much she missed me as she was ripping my clothes off, before f#(%ing my brains out. Monday's were the worst/best. We'd stay in bed until hungry & go out to lunch, rent a video & get a few more hours in before I had to leave. I wonder how long that would have continued if they hadn't moved or we got caught. I was happy with that arrangement.

 

 

Of course once I got older, I knew how wrong that was & would never get involved with someone in any relationship.

[Toodaloo]

Her BF couldn't come close to matching her high sex drive or satisfy her much at all sexually.

 

But one has to remember that this is not always the reason behind the affair.

 

My ex couldn't keep up with me and found it harder and harder to satisfy me.

 

Irony of it was he started shagging around and at the point I found out he had four on the go... What a way to kill your partners sex drive eh!

 

Although we didn't talk much about it I suspect he did it because he knew he didn't love me and wasn't happy. He just wanted an out. Of course it was an inconvenient time then and life was easy with me dealing with everything so he came out with the platitudes and I stuck with him blaming myself...

 

Each scenario is different.

 

Would I date someone who has cheated in the past? As long as I trusted them, trust that they would have to earn - yes.