DC77 Posted July 29, 2015 Posted July 29, 2015 I may be having second thoughts about walking out on the man I was dating. Part of me knows it was the right thing to do to stand up for myself, but part kind of wishes the door was left cracked for the future. He was taking his stress out on me. Pushing me away. A couple of weeks ago he stated that we could only be the casual friends with benefits, yet we have been acting like a couple for 6 months now. We got really close about 2 weeks ago and then this last week he was very distant. When I tried to talk to him about it he got mad. Reiterated that we could not be more than what we are. Then said I will never marry you. Reasons being he thinks I lack self confidence. I don't pay attention 100% of the time. And I don't make enough money to do the things he wants to do.Yet he did not want to break up. He enjoys my companionship. Cares about me. And would miss me... So I told him that did not work for me. I had to say goodbye. He wanted to remain friends, and I told him I could do that with a little space... I know taking a stand was something I had to do. The imbalance of the relationship was not fair. It was the right thing to do. His story, he is military. Was a combat soldier. Is a good man but definitely has many issues. One being emotional immaturity. Another being trust. When I felt him getting distant last week, it was the same day he received official orders to be sent away in 6 months. He doesn't have many friends because of his immaturity. And I recently found out through someone who was like our adopted parents that the relationship he had before me, he had proposed to her and she walked away. There was only a month between her and me... Even though we weren't working as a couple and I did what was right for me, I feel a little guilt for giving up on him. I walked out just like everyone else in his life. I love him as a person and still want to be there for him. But he is being unresponsive. I know there needs to be some space to let things settle. I did send a text with some stern words about my character and his behavior. It was not to elicit a response, but things that I felt needed to be said. I sent another text in regards to some things that I left at his place. This I did expect a response. I have not received one. I sent one more text regarding the stuff. I have not sent any more texts or tried to make contact since. It's only been a few days, but I haven't heard from him. I'm starting to feel a little regretful. I didn't have intentions of completely pushing him out of my life. And I believed him when he said he wanted to be friends...Thoughts?
Gaeta Posted July 29, 2015 Posted July 29, 2015 Even though we weren't working as a couple and I did what was right for me, I feel a little guilt for giving up on him. I walked out just like everyone else in his life. I love him as a person and still want to be there for him. But he is being unresponsive. I know there needs to be some space to let things settle. I did send a text with some stern words about my character and his behavior. It was not to elicit a response, but things that I felt needed to be said. I sent another text in regards to some things that I left at his place. This I did expect a response. I have not received one. I sent one more text regarding the stuff. I have not sent any more texts or tried to make contact since. It's only been a few days, but I haven't heard from him. I'm starting to feel a little regretful. I didn't have intentions of completely pushing him out of my life. And I believed him when he said he wanted to be friends...Thoughts? Leave the poor man alone. The one that hurts the less is always the one seeking friendship to ease his/her guilt. Sure he said he wanted to remain friends but obviously it's too much for him at this time so why don't you respect him for real and stop imposing yourself on him.
Jejangles Posted July 29, 2015 Posted July 29, 2015 I wouldn't call him a poor man. He's the one who said the relationship would never be anything more and who placed limitations around it. OP, he basically forced you to end it, that doesn't mean you dumped him. It means he made it impossible for the relationship to continue. It's normal to feel regretful after you leave a relationship, even if you were the one who ended it. But I would not be reaching out to him at all, cease all contact. You are too close to the situation to even think about pursuing a friendship. As for the stuff, either let it go (how valuable / important is it?) or find an intermediary who can pick it up for you. At this time, try to leave the guilt behind. You left him because he wanted to be left and because he probably doesn't have the emotional capacity for a healthy relationship. That is very sad, but ultimately not your problem. Heal yourself and worry about your feelings at this time, don't stay bogged down in his feelings and issues. If friendship is in the cards, it will happen down the road.
Author DC77 Posted July 29, 2015 Author Posted July 29, 2015 (edited) JeJangles, thank you for your sound advice. Gaeta, your response doesn't even make much sense. How do you know who hurts the most or least. And how am I being disrespectful and imposing? Your post seems right off the deep end. Edited July 29, 2015 by DC77
PaperCrane Posted July 29, 2015 Posted July 29, 2015 JeJangles, thank you for your sound advice. Gaeta, your response doesn't even make much sense. How do you know who hurts the most or least. And how am I being disrespectful and imposing? Your post seems right off the deep end. It does. The guy has some growing up to do sure, and by the sounds of it you do too (don't we all?). He was scared of emotional commitment and set his boundary for the moment because of his reasons but still wanted to spend time with you. By reading what I did, it sounds like acting like a couple was straining him. Interpersonal dynamics can be tricky but he may have felt pushed into it to make you happy. He knows what you want and what he wants so that's why he isn't responding. He can't give you what you want even if he has deep feelings. He's not on a foundation to do so at the moment. I understand your pain because I've been there. Just let him be, and let yourself be. 2
Gaeta Posted July 29, 2015 Posted July 29, 2015 And how am I being disrespectful and imposing? He is being unresponsive but yet you continue texting him over and over. That is disrespect for his wish to be left alone at this time. 2
stillafool Posted July 29, 2015 Posted July 29, 2015 It sounds like he was the one who broke up with you. He has said he will never marry you, you don't make enough money, you lack self confidence and don't pay attention. If I were you I'd never contact him again after he said that. He has said you have no future together. Also there's no way he could have been over his ex fiancee after only one month. I think you should go NC (which he is doing) and not chase after him. You deserve better than this, don't you?
d0nnivain Posted July 29, 2015 Posted July 29, 2015 We can still be friends is one of the biggest white lies in the world. Lots of people say it. Nobody means it. He was only interested in spending time with you when there was sex involved. Leave him be.
Author DC77 Posted July 29, 2015 Author Posted July 29, 2015 Gaeata, you blow things out of proportion. It was 3 texts. Hardly over and over. And it has been 2 days. I have not continued to text him since I haven't received a response... And he asked me to keep in touch.
Author DC77 Posted July 29, 2015 Author Posted July 29, 2015 donnivain, yes I realize it is one of the biggest white lies. But I do believe this guy is genuine. The relationship was not about sex or bootie call. It was more of a friendship... What I heard that day was I will not marry you and I reacted. But what I now realize is this person just needs a friend. He is feeling lost. He doesn't want to leave. And he feels alone. And I turned my back on him... I accept the fact that we do not make a good partnership. We are not marriage material. Understood. I am not "chasing" him. I'm leaving the next move to him. I just now wish I had handled things differently. He is hurting. He is going through difficult times. Just out of compassion and humanity, I hate to see people I care about hurting like that. I know it's not my responsibility but it's also no skin off my nose to show some kindness. Expectations can be managed.
d0nnivain Posted July 29, 2015 Posted July 29, 2015 Since it has only been a few days give it some time. A dear friend asked me out but I turned him down. It took us a few years to put our friendship back on track.
spiderowl Posted July 29, 2015 Posted July 29, 2015 "A couple of weeks ago he stated that we could only be the casual friends with benefits ... Then said I will never marry you. ... I don't make enough money to do the things he wants to do. The relationship he had before me, he had proposed to her and she walked away. There was only a month between her and me..." Difficult situation, but basically he only wants to be friends with benefits, he said he'll never marry you. He even went so far as to say you didn't make enough money for him. He is only just out of a relationship with his ex. Not only is he just out of it, but he wanted to marry her and she turned him down. This guy is not ready for a relationship with you or anyone else; that's why he was keen on FWB. Yes, he will miss that but he's not as emotionally involved as you would want from a partner. He was a friend with benefits. I think you are wasting your time with this guy because his heart is elsewhere.
mightycpa Posted July 29, 2015 Posted July 29, 2015 A couple of weeks ago he stated that we could only be the casual friends with benefits. Thoughts? The only people that I've ever known who could get away with saying that were women.
Author DC77 Posted August 1, 2015 Author Posted August 1, 2015 (edited) UPDATE:For those interested... No, I still have not heard from him and unfortunately, it doesn't look like I'll be getting any of my stuff back (the most important thing being a pair of eyeglasses). But I have become very interested in what made him think I lacked self-confidence. Since I’m not going to get it from him, I did some research, and I came across some very poignant articles. One in particular was almost verbatim to our relationship. I’ve now realized that behind this macho, boyish arrogance, self-assured façade is really a person with low self confidence and low self esteem; the exact things I was being flawed for. From one of the articles: At the start, they will see you as a solution to all their sadness and misery…When the honeymoon period is over and you [the partner in the relationship] start to have expectations and conflicts, resentment and disillusionment will set in.They will start to dislike you for their chronic dissatisfaction and unrealistic expectations, and you will increasingly seem flawed to them…They tend to be perfectionists…When questioned, they may get defensive and angry about not being trusted…Overly critical…Defensive…Unable to connect…” The articles were so accurate and made everything make so much more sense. How I went from being awesome and beautiful to almost never doing anything right. His behavior. His withdrawal. And there were many more things the articles touched on. I just never realized it while it was happening. It makes complete sense though. Especially now that I have pertinent information that he never shared (like the ex and the ring only a month before our relationship, his childhood, and his orders)… I learned there are things I can work on too, but it wasn’t all me. I’m able to put a close to the relationship. But I really do feel for the guy. Sometimes a person in tough times just needs a friend, and I would like to be that for him. I’m just not sure he’ll be able to forgive me. Edited August 1, 2015 by DC77
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