I feel it's my fault were not together

[Stella_marie90]

Hello everyone !

 

I was with this guy for only nearly 2 weeks, I met him through my best friend Taylor's other friend Bradley, I'm staying at my friends Taylor's house for a vacation and Brad is staying there too because he had no place to go, so this all happened the early of this month, but I met Ryan two months ago, Brad brought Ryan over one day from work, they both work together at a restaurant, and I didn't really notice Ryan much and plus I'm shy so I wouldn't look straight at him, I shook his hand told him my name and that was pretty much it, but as time went by I would see him if Taylor's mom would pick Ryan up for work because me and tay would come for the ride and I didn't really like him in a romantic way just yet, then early this month, Taylor's cousin and his girlfriend were sta ying for the 4th of July, and Taylor was in New York at the time, I came back from Texas and met her cousin and he suggested we all drink, him, me, his girlfriend and this other girl, and I got pretty drunk and was crying, I was badly crying for some strange reason, and Ryan and Brad came over and Taylor's sister and boyfriend were there too and I was outside by the fire pit and it was just me and Ryan and I just kept crying and Ryan came to sit next to me and comforted me, then we went inside and I was scared of being ill and he was telling me I'll be ok, then I sat down, he knelt in front of me and was holding my hands and telling me to breath slowly, then Taylor's mom told me to lay down, I laid on the couch and Ryan told me if I wanted him to lay next to me, I told him yes, and he put his jacket over me and I instantly fell asleep, then when I woke up in the morning the mom was telling me how Ryan is clairvoyant and said to her im a good person but my mind can get cloudy, which is very true and it surprised me how he got me like that, then a day later she told me when she was driving Ryan home he asked her if he could take me out on a date and asked if there was anybody I was interested him like am I dating anyone and she said no,

 

Ok the more you read into this, you will think he's being the bad guy here but I'm the one who's kind of the bad guy, so I was in the bedroom talking to Taylor's cousin and he boyfriend and then Brad and Ryan came over from work, and i was shy, because after he helped me and after I heard what he said I instantly started liking him, fast dorward, Ryan told Taylor's cousin had girlfriend that he thinks I'm beautiful, and we took Ryan home. It was just me, mom, and Ryan, and he asked me out on a date, and I said yes, but mom said yes for me in a way because I couldn't look at him because again I was very shy but I agreed to go on him the next Wednesday, and I was excited BUT Brad was saying bad things about Ryan, and I was starting to be unsure, it's stupid that I let brads opinions on Ryan put me slightly off, and I did one of the most lowest things, I stood him up on the date, I didn't know if I wanted this and plus it would have been my first date, Ryan is the first guy ever, so I kind of hide from it, then Taylor's sister and Brad told me how Ryan is pretty upset, and the next day I left Ryan A voicemail saying im sorry, he left me a message back but I didn't listen to it because I was worried it was gonna be something i didn't want to hear, but Taylor's sister said to me I'll see him the next day, he came around and I think this was the 4th of July and you see the thing is whenever Ryan came over I would act all shy and rarely respond to him and of course that's gonna make him feel like he did something wrong, but he got a little drunk and his elbows were hurting him, he was outside sitting on the bench having a cigarette, we were having a party, my friend Wayne was here too and kept telling me to go over To Ryan, I did, I rubbed his elbows and comforted him, and then he tried to kiss me but I said "no not right now" and we went back inside, we held hands and then everyone was just wanting to sleep and the mom put up a air mattress and me and Ryan laid on the mattress together and we were just cuddling but then I kissed him and we started kissing and then it lead to foreplay but we didn't have sex, I didn't regret anything, and the rest of the week, he was so sweet and kind to me, treating me right, and i was responding the sane way but again I was just shy and kind of distant at times even when we're hanging with Taylor's family, then he told me he had to leave, he was staying over at the house, and of course I was disappointed, we took him home he kissed me and then left, and my friend and her mom commented on how sad he looked, and I was really sad aswell, then I didn't hear another week from him, then he finally Came with Brad from work, we hugged and he said he really missed me and i told him the same thing, we held each other for a minute but again I was acting pretty shy and distant and I went inside and Ryan was probably here for an hour. Got food with the crew and ate food here then I saw him leaving and I debated if I should go up and kiss him goodbye, we both hugged and kissed and said see you soon, then I asked when will I see him again, he said probably in a couple of days, I was so upset he was just leaving like that, I went outside and Ryan and everyone were all talking, then I messaged my friend Taylor to come over and told her how it upsets me he's leaving and that he seems distant, she told me I can't get too attached to him, and that upset me, she told me to just go to him and ask "where do we stand" it took me time to go up to him but I finally did, and asked him, "do you wanna be in a relationship" and he said "I'm not really looking for anything serious" and I was like wow and then I said "don't you care" and he said "of course I do but I don't know anything about you, I don't know your last name or what your favourite colour is" and I said "well we can go on another date" then he said "well that didn't really work out" and I said "we can try again" and he said "well maybe just give me a few days" and I did and my friend Taylor texted him and said "Olivia wants to talk to you" and he said he was watching a film then she said to him "do you want anything with her and he said he's kind of over it, I saw her texting him but didn't ask what he said, she told me later that night what he said and it completely upset me I did feel used and stupid but at the same time I felt like its my fault because if acting so shy with him.

 

And everyone was just telling me to move on but it's hard for me to get over it, this part you all with be totally suprised with, right now while I write this Ryan's at work and he's living here because he got kicked out, and he tried to ask friends and family if they Would help him but nobody responded and that's when his asked Taylor's family and they happily took him in, he's been living here for a whole week now and it is kind of awkward, but what happened last week when he started living here was, we both got kind of tipsy he was playing Bob Marley "is this love", we were outside having a cigarette and we were talking like how we should but didn't talk about us just about his friend Bradley and him movin, I sat next to him and I held his hand and he didn't pull away, he got up to go the toilet then came back and this time our hands interwined and I was caressing his arm and he didn't tell me to stop or anything, then we went inside, and I laid down on the couch, I expected him to go into another room to sleep but I felt him touch my back to move so he could have space to lay next to me, nothing happened between us but I wanted to cuddle with him but was unsure if I should do anything, like I was worried he would reject me, and the next day I told the mom that we held hands and she said "oh that was just a friendship thing" and I was disappointed and just said "ok"

 

All of this is really my fault for being so shy and pretty distant towards him and I guess I've confused him, this is probably why it's over, it is hard living in the same house as him, I always wake up so sad. I keep having dreams about him, we rarely talk much, only little words, it was a few days ago it was just me and him and getting along when we were playing with the kittens and he told me how bad the kitty scratched him. My friend Taylor tells me to just talk to him but then says just move on, it's hard for me to move on, I've been hearing a lot about his life and the things he's been through and how intelligent he is. I'm liking him even more, don't know if he still likes me, I really don't want this to be over, I know I've been wrong with him and I maybe I don't deserve to hadn't another chance with him, it saddens me everyday, it's stupid I know, and I know it's only been 2 weeks since we were together but I thought this would continue between me and him please I just need some advice on what I should do. Thank you !!!

Edited July 29, 2015 by Stella_marie90

[seasickpeeve]

He seems confused. It's very early to be able to say if anything will happen. Try to relax and just see what unfolds.

 

Try not to blame yourself for feeling shy. Whilst that will have given him mixed messages and maybe confused him, you want someone who will be patient with you and make you feel relaxed. He seems to have lost patience maybe which doesn't sound like he would be the right guy for you.