alwayswannanap Posted July 28, 2015 Posted July 28, 2015 Hey all, I just wanted to express myself and gather some crowd wisdom. I read my previous posts - it's funny because I posted here 7 months ago about a guy friend who I got involved with. we ended up dating and the relationship was put on a serious label from day 1. We broke up about a month ago. This honestly was the first relationship that I had had that I thought could work out in the long run. I really loved him and I still do. We had way too much trouble - or at least that's how it felt to me. I got unhappy with him whenever he was caught up in his own world (not when he was working- which I understand because I don't like get bothered when I'm focused either; normally just when at social occasions, such as his birthday party, where he was so busy socializing with his friends that he'd leave me by myself for the whole night). He also would not tell his ex-girlfriend of 3 years that he was dating me. He is very introverted and rational minded,so every time we fought it felt like a debate. I couldn't get my feelings across and I always had to use logical arguments to convince him. A couple of months into the relationship, he started withdrawing from me. He hadn't kissed me (besides during sex) or held my hands in months despite of my complaints. He told me before that he could be a little disconnected from his feelings/dissociated from himself from time to time, due to some past experiences. I tried to be patient but he got more and more distant and I started picking more and more fights. Until one day, he told me that he was exhausted having to fix problems whenever I fight with him. I know that I didn't pick fights because of the problems themselves; rather I just wanted attention/reassurance from him. That being said, him fixing the specific problems wouldn't really fulfill my emotional needs. After the big fight, he changed. he became much more distant. he didn't want me to stay over. he checked in on me every day but it was pretty mechanical and he just felt really far away from me. We still saw each other twice a week- but it almost felt like we were just starting to date, which to me felt really hurtful. he suggested that we took a break (not like we don't talk or see each other but just less frequently) so that we can reset everything and ease back into the relationship. yet, I was scared. He had never felt that distant. I decided to break it off because I couldn't see how distance would solve the deeper issues in the relationship. It was also because when I tried to reach out to him, he just shut me out. An example would be we hadn't seen each other in a couple of days, one night I really missed him so I asked if we could talk on the phone for a bit because I missed him and wanted to hear his voice. All I got was just that he was tired. I felt really neglected and hurt. I tried to respect him and only reached out to him when he did so first. I tried not to interrupt his life and tried to only talk to him when he had time. Even though we were supposedly on a sort-of break, I still wanted to feel cared for. I wasn't trying to talk to him/see him every day; yet I still wanted some sort of reassurance that he loved me. I also asked him if we could go on a weekend trip over the summer and he told me that he had his weekends all booked for the following two months. Again, I felt hurt; because we are both students, summer is literally the most free time that we have. Situations like that kept coming up for two weeks until one day I felt emotionally exhausted. I just didn't want to try any more. Every time I put myself out there to establish some emotional connection, he shut me out (again, I did so only when he reached out first). I tried to talk to him about our problems and proposed what I would do differently. He rejected all the solutions and claimed that he had tried everything but none of that worked. TBH, I still have doubts about whether I should have been more patient and waited for him to come out of his shell. I know he cares but he doesn't communicate well neither does he understand how things make me feel, regardless of how many times I tried to explain. As of now, he tried to talk to me a few times like friends, but I told him that I needed time and space. I saw him a week ago when I got my stuff back and he seemed fine and unaffected. I know that he buries himself in work when he's upset. He can shut his emotion off whenever he doesn't want to deal with it. but I still wondering how things will play out between us two. would we ease back into becoming friends and then dating? or would we stay distant friends/strangers for the rest of our lives? what should I do? I also know that he's the kind of guy who doesn't open up easily. The fact that I broke up with him means that it would be much harder to get him to open up to me again. so even if I wanted to get back together with him, it would take a lot of patience and just hanging out to create a positive experience before dating is a possibility. does anyone have any experience with that? not that I want to get back together now; I think that I need a breather to evaluate the relationship and to take care of myself. until I'm fully recovered, I'd need to reassess the situation and decide what's for the best for both of us. but as of now, I just want to gather some ideas from people who've had similar experiences. Thank you! 1
mrldii Posted July 28, 2015 Posted July 28, 2015 Based on what you've written, it reads like: A. He is not ready to be in a relationship with anyone; B. He was not interested in a being in a relationship with you, and was not mature enough to articulate his feelings and so instead hid behind "I have emotional/psychological problems"; or C. You two were not meant for one another, as you two are from completely different worlds. With any of those choices, it seems ending the 'relationship' was the correct thing to do. Second guessing yourself now is simply buying into the Nurse Syndrome ("By gum, I'll fix him, and he'll be oh-so-grateful and stay with me forever!!!") and believing the fairy tale that if only you'd loved him a little more and a little longer, he'd be All Better Now. As you heal, be sure to process and learn from the lessons this encounter afforded you - you now know that you are not content being with a man who shuffles you off to the corner while he socializes and that you do not appreciate being hidden from ex-girlfriends. In the future, don't get/stay with a guy who does these things, and then you won't be a girlfriend who "picks fights" just to get "reassurance/attention" from a guy to ensure yourself you still matter in his world. That's not how normal, healthy, well-adjusted adults act in normal, healthy well-adjusted relationships. Best of luck to you, OP... 1
Author alwayswannanap Posted July 30, 2015 Author Posted July 30, 2015 Based on what you've written, it reads like: A. He is not ready to be in a relationship with anyone; B. He was not interested in a being in a relationship with you, and was not mature enough to articulate his feelings and so instead hid behind "I have emotional/psychological problems"; or C. You two were not meant for one another, as you two are from completely different worlds. With any of those choices, it seems ending the 'relationship' was the correct thing to do. Second guessing yourself now is simply buying into the Nurse Syndrome ("By gum, I'll fix him, and he'll be oh-so-grateful and stay with me forever!!!") and believing the fairy tale that if only you'd loved him a little more and a little longer, he'd be All Better Now. As you heal, be sure to process and learn from the lessons this encounter afforded you - you now know that you are not content being with a man who shuffles you off to the corner while he socializes and that you do not appreciate being hidden from ex-girlfriends. In the future, don't get/stay with a guy who does these things, and then you won't be a girlfriend who "picks fights" just to get "reassurance/attention" from a guy to ensure yourself you still matter in his world. That's not how normal, healthy, well-adjusted adults act in normal, healthy well-adjusted relationships. Best of luck to you, OP... Hey thank you-yea I couldn't quite figure him out. Maybe it's just not meant to be. It hurts and sucks but it will be ok with time. Part of me just wished that he would come back and tell me that he'd change and is willing to give things a try. I also can't stop wondering if I ****ed up. But that's out of my control now. So oh well- I'll be able to see things more clearly with time. Thank you for your response. It was helpful to hear that.
DoIdeserveThis Posted July 30, 2015 Posted July 30, 2015 Hello, I don't have any words of wisdom, but I wholeheartedly empathise with you because I am going through very similar experience. I think mrldii's comment is simply perfect and I think I should write it down and read it just whenever I feel bad and have urge to contact my ex to search for explanations or to try to fix everything. I start to realise that we probably were not one for each other, and that if he treated me better, I would probably not want to fight with him at all, because I as well searched for reassurance and gratification through fights. Actually, I do have advice if you struggle whether you should contact him or not. Don't lose negative things that happened out of sight or overly justify his actions. Today, I wrote down all the things my ex said during our relationship that stang me. Some of them hurt me more some less, but in the end it was 27 items long list, and I knew I even forgot many of them. I realised number is pretty high and shows that break up was the reasonable thing to do. So, as the time passes, I have to resist Nurse Syndrome and not forget all the wrong things that happened too, which would not disappear magically even if we got back together, for which is I guess even too late now. Take care!
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