torrey Posted May 6, 2005 Posted May 6, 2005 HI, I'VE READ THE FORUM REPLIES LATELY SEARCHIHG FOR A SIMILIAR SITUATION. I NEED HELP BADLY. EXCUSE THE CAPS...IT'S EASIER FOR ME TO READ THIS WAY. HERE GOES... I MET D A FEW MONTHS AGO, AND WE RECONNECTED A MONTH AGO, AND HAVE BEEN SEEING EACH OTHER, "EXCLUSIVELY" LATELY. THE PROBLEM IS HE HAS SOOO MANY OTHER PRIORITIES, THERE IS NO US TIME. HE IS TAKING CARE OF HIS ILL MOTHER, WHO LIVES NEXT DOOR, AND MUST CHECK ON HER 3-4 TIMES A DAY, TAKE HER EVERYWHERE SHE NEEDS TO GO, OUT TO DINNER AT LEAST ONCE A WEEK, ETC, ETC. HE HAS LET ME KNOW THAT BECAUSE OF HIS HONOR, HE WILL CARE FOR HER UNTIL THE END OF HER LIFE, AND SHE WILL BE HIS PRIORITY. THIS IS THE FIRST STRAIN ON OUR RELATIONSHIP. BECAUSE OF THIS, WE DON'T GO OUT, UNLESS IT'S WITH HER, HE CAN'T COME HERE, UNLESS IT'S FOR A VERY SHORT TIME. SHE HAS ALZHEIMERS, AND HE REFUSES TO EVEN PUT HER IN A DAY PROGRAM UNTIL IT PROGRESSES. NEXT, HIS JOB...SENIOR MGT. WHICH REQUIRES VERY LONG HOURS. NEXT, 2 GROWN CHILDREN, ONE AT HOME IN COLLEGE, WITH CONCERTS/ACTIVITIES HE MUST ATTEND. THEN, THE BEST FRIEND HE WAS IN THE SERVICE WITH WHO SAVED HIS LIFE. HE VISITS FOR EXTENDED PERIODS OF TIME...IS HERE RIGHT NOW FOR 3 WEEKS, AND D WON'T DO ANYTHING WITHOUT HIM. HE TAKES OFF WORK TO SPEND LONG WEEKENDS (4 DAYS) WITH THE FRIEND. WE CAN'T GO ANYWHERE WITHOUT HIM, AND SINCE HE IS HERE, D RARELY CALLS. THESE ARE HIS PRIORITIES THAT COME BEFORE "US". IN THE LIST, ADD TAKING CARE OF BOTH LARGE YARDS IN THE SUMMER. FINALLY, THERE IS ME. IF, AND I MEAN, IF HE HAS TIME, AFTER EVERYTHING ELSE, I AM "WELCOME TO STOP OVER". LAST WEEKEND HE INVITED ME TO DINNER SAYING HE WOULD PUT OFF DINNER WITH MOM, LEAVE THE FRIEND AT HOME, AND DID I WANT TO GO? GREAT, RIGHT? I GET THERE, WE TALK A BIT WITH THE FRIEND, AND D COMES OUT OF THE THE KITCHEN WITH A HUGE SANDWICH FOR HIMSELF. I SAY, "I THOUGHT WE WERE GOING OUT TO DINNER." HE MAKES ME A SANDWICH AS WELL, WE TALK WITH THE FRIEND SOME MORE, AND DON'T GO ANYPLACE, AND HE DOES NOT ACKNOWLEDGE EVEN HAVING ASKED ME OVER UNDER THE PRETENSES OF GOING OUT ALONE. OUR FIRST DISAGREEMENT. AFTER A WEEK OF SILENCE, I WRITE TO HIM ABOUT NOT FEELING VERY IMPORTANT IN HIS LIFE. HIS REPLY, AS ALWAYS, IS ABOUT "HONOR, TRUST, AND COMMITTMENT" TO HIS FAMILY AND FRIENDS, AND IT'S UP TO ME IF I CAN ACCEPT THIS. SAYS IT WON'T BE AS BAD WHEN HIS FRIEND LEAVES WHICH IS A WAYS OFF. REMINDS ME THAT HIS MOTHER WILL ALWAYS NEED AROUND THE CLOCK "CHECKS", AND "I KNEW THAT GOING INTO IT". IN MY LETTER, I ADDRESS HOW I AM FEELING, AND HE RESPONDS ONLY TO SOME OF THE CONCERNS, BECOMING DEFENSIVE....HE DENIES DEFENSIVENESS. DURING THE TIME WE HAVE DATED, "EXCLUSIVELY", HE HAS MAINTAINED A PERSONAL AD ONLINE. AFTER MANY, MANY REQUESTS TO REMOVE IT, EXPLAINING HOW IT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE HE IS LOOKING STILL, ALTHOUGH HE DENIES THIS, IT IS STILL THERE. HE SAYS, "I HAVEN'T HAD TIME, YOU KNOW WHO I WANT, I'LL TAKE IT DOWN, (REPEATEDLY SAYS THIS), AND ME SAYING IT HURTS ME, IT'S STILL THERE, BUT WITH VERY LIMITED "ACTIVITY". I CARE FOR D VERY MUCH, BUT AM AT A IMPASSE. I'M NOT A SELFISH PERSON, BUT WONDER IF I'M STRONG ENOUGH TO COME LAST IN HIS "LIST". HIS REPLY....." HAVE SOME FORTHOUGHT, AND REALIZE THAT IF YOU BECOME CLOSER TO ME, I WILL ALSO SHOW YOU THAT TYPE OF COMMITTMENT AS WELL"....."REMEMBER, THE FRIEND SAVED MY LIFE, AND WON'T BE HERE FOREVER." ALSO, "PLEASE REALIZE THAT MY MOTHER MAY CONTINUE LIVING INDEPENDENTLY FOR YEARS, AND THE TIME IT TAKES FOR ME TO CARE FOR HER MAY CONTINUE FOR QUITE SOMETIME....SO IT'S UP TO YOU". THE LONG AND SHORT OF IT?? WELL, AFTER MUCH RESEARCH, TALKING WITH FRIENDS, I'M NOT SURE WHAT TO DO. WE HAVE A TRUE BOND, BUT I'M HAVING DIFFICULTY COPING WITH THE FEELINGS OF NOT BEING A PRIORITY TO THIS MAN, DESPITE HIS GOOD INTENTIONS. IN THE MONTH WE HAVE DATED, WE HAVE NEVER HAD A REAL DATE...THE CLOSEST WAS DINNER WITH HIS MOM WHERE I WAS INCLUDED. UNTIL THE FRIEND GOES BACK HOME, A FEW STATES AWAY, HE SAYS ALL TIME WE SPEND TOGETHER MUST INCLUDE THE FRIEND, AND I'M WELCOME TO COME OVER AT NIGHT, AFTER THEY ARE FINISHED WITH THEIR ACTIVITIES...TRIPS, FISHING, ETC. HE'S NOT PRESSURING ME TO STAY IN THE RELATIONSHIP, BUT SAYS IT'S UP TO ME. HIS PAST....2 RELATIONSHIPS, IN THE PAST 10YEARS SINCE HIS DIVORCE, ONE FOR 2 YEARS, ONE FOR 1 YEAR. IN BOTH, THE WOMEN CAME TO HIM (BEFORE HIS MOTHER WAS ILL AND HIS FATHER WAS ALIVE). HE NEVER WENT TO THEIR HOMES. EVER. BOTH HAD SEVERE ESTEEM ISSUES, AND BOTH VICTIMS OF ABUSE. I WAS ALSO, BUT HAVE COME OUT ON THE OTHER SIDE STRONGER THAN EVER. IN OTHER WORDS, I AM NOT "WALKING WOUNDED", BUT HAVE WORKED THROUGH MY ISSUES, AND WITH THIS HAVE MUCH BETTER SELF-ESTEEM THAN I SUSPECT THEY HAD. MY QUESTION IS THIS....DO I STAY IN THIS EVEN THOUGH UNDERSTANDABLY I OFTEN FEEL NEGLECTED? DO I WAIT IT OUT AND SEE HOW IT GOES WHEN THE FRIEND IS GONE? HE SAYS HE IS WILLING TO MAKE COMPROMISES, BUT I DON'T SEE THIS IN ACTION...I AM INVITED TO COME THERE, BUT WE NEVER GO ANYWHERE ALONE. IT HURTS. ON MANY LEVELS, WE ARE VERY CLOSE, AND YET, MY EXPRESSIONS OF HOW THESE THINGS HURT ME ARE MET WITH HIS "LITANY" ABOUT HONOR, ETC. TO THOSE HE LOVES. PLUS, THE REMINDER THAT SHOULD I EVER GET TO THAT POINT WITH HIM, I WILL BE SHOWN THE SAME....BUT, THAT I MUST DECIDE IF I CAN HANDLE HIS RESPONSIBILITIES TO HIS FAMILY, FRIEND AND WORK. I SWORE OFF UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS LONG AGO, BY WORKING ON MYSELF, AND I FEAR THIS IS TREADING THIN ICE, BY ALLOWING HIM TO PLACE ME SO LOW ON THE LIST OF PRIORITIES IN HIS LIFE. A BIG PROBLEM FOR HIM IS HIS INABILITY TO EXPRESS HIS FEELINGS, AND DIFFICULTY GETTING REALLY CLOSE SINCE HIS WAR EXPERIENCES...PTSD. IS THIS RELATIONSHIP GOING NOWHERE? HE PLACES NO DEMANDS ON ME EXCEPT THAT IF I WANT TO SEE HIM, I MUST BE WILLING TO WORK AROUND HIS COMMITTMENTS. I HAVE LOTS OF FREE TIME, OBVIOUSLY, SOCIALLY, SINCE HE IS SO BUSY. I DO EMPATHIZE WITH HIS SITUATION, UNDERSTAND HIS COMMITTMENTS, BUT SERIOUSLY WONDER IF ALLOWING MYSELF TO BE IN "LAST PLACE" IS BEGINNING TO UN-DO ALL THE WORK I'VE DONE ON MYSELF. DO I END IT? OR PURSUE MY OWN ACTIVITIES, AND SEE HIM OCCAISIONALLY? SINCE WE'VE BEEN INTIMATE, NEITHER OF US WANTS TO DATE OTHERS....OR SO HE SAYS...EXCEPT THE PERSONAL AD THAT'S STILL THERE, EVEN THOUGH HE ISN'T "ACTIVE" ON IT. THERE ARE MEN INTERESTED IN ME, HOWEVER, I HAVE LET THEM KNOW I AM SEEING SOMEONE. THE PROBLEM IS, I'M LUCKY IF I SEE HIM ONCE A WEEK RIGHT NOW. BEFORE THE FRIEND CAME, IT WAS TWICE A WEEK, AND USUALLY I HAVE TO GO TO HIS HOUSE SO HE CAN BE CLOSE TO MOM. HELP! I HONESTLY CARE ABOUT THIS GUY, MORE THAN I'VE CARED FOR ANYONE IN YEARS, BUT KNOW I CAN'T ALLOW MYSELF TO FEEL NEGLECTED....WHICH IS HOW I FEEL. I HAVE A LIFE OF MY OWN....WORK, GRAD SCHOOL, CHILDREN, INTERESTS, ETC., BUT CARE DEEPLY FOR THIS GUY AND WANT MORE TIME AND ATTENTION. IS THIS SELFISH? DO I WAIT TILL THE FRIEND IS GONE AND SEE HOW THINGS GO? THE PLAN FOR THIS WEEKEND, AND TODAY, IS FISHING WITH THE FRIEND ALL 3 DAYS, AND "I AM WELCOME TO COME OVER AFTERWARDS". HE INSISTS ONCE THE FRIEND IS GONE, THINGS WILL BE BETTER, BUT REFUSES TO TELL HIS FRIEND HE IS GOING TO GO OUT WITH ME ALONE. HE SAYS IT ISN'T FAIR TO HIS FRIEND. HE REMINDS ME THAT IF IT WERE NOT FOR THE FRIEND, HE WOULD BE DEAD. HE STATES HE IS "HONORABLE" AND WILL NOT COMPROMISE ON CARING FOR MOM, AND IT'S NOT TO THE POINT WHERE SHE CAN'T FUNCTION LIVING ON HER OWN AS LONG AS HE IS THERE TO CHECK ON HERE MANY TIMES A DAY. HE'S NEVER TAKEN OFF WORK TO BE WITH ME, AND DESPITE SAYING HE CAN'T LEAVE MOM LONG, GOES FISHING WITH THE FRIEND FROM 6A-7P OR LATER AT NIGHT. WHAT'S UP?? DO I GET OUT NOW? DO I TELL HIM WE CAN DATE CASUALLY, NO INTIMACY? DO I HANG IN THERE? IS THIS MAN A PERPETUAL BACHELOR? IS HE STRINGING ME ALONG EVEN THOUGH HIS OBLIGATIONS TO MOM ARE LEGIT? DO I GIVE HIM A DEADLINE TO REMOVE THE AD HE HAS REPEATEDLY SAID HE WOULD REMOVE? IS IT TOO SOON FOR THIS? AM I GETTING AHEAD OF MYSELF HERE?
LucreziaBorgia Posted May 6, 2005 Posted May 6, 2005 The last thing you want to do to a man with that sort of baggage and demands is his time is to make yourself just another piece of baggage to heap on top. I'm not saying you are baggage, but... if he sees you that way - then you are sunk. As soon as your relationship adds to his list of obligations any more than it already has: ie, you demand that he put his mother in assisted living, he dump his friend, he alter his work schedule, take down his personals, re-prioritize his 'friend/family time', etc - he will cut you out of his life or bump you even further down his priority list. He does not want the type of relationship that you do right now, period. His actions could not be more clear. He is having the type of relationship he wants with you right now. It works for him, and I expect that he sees no reason to change things. His needs for you are meager, and he has your needs so far down on his priority list right now that there's little hope that you'll be able to get him to make any real changes. Which leaves the decision to you: stay under these circumstances and hope that one day he will readjust his priorities to bump you a little bit further up from the bottom where you are now, or leave and find interests in your life where you don't have to question your position on the priority list.
noname Posted May 6, 2005 Posted May 6, 2005 Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia The last thing you want to do to a man with that sort of baggage and demands is his time is to make yourself just another piece of baggage to heap on top. I'm not saying you are baggage, but... if he sees you that way - then you are sunk. As soon as your relationship adds to his list of obligations any more than it already has: ie, you demand that he put his mother in assisted living, he dump his friend, he alter his work schedule, take down his personals, re-prioritize his 'friend/family time', etc - he will cut you out of his life or bump you even further down his priority list. He does not want the type of relationship that you do right now, period. His actions could not be more clear. He is having the type of relationship he wants with you right now. It works for him, and I expect that he sees no reason to change things. His needs for you are meager, and he has your needs so far down on his priority list right now that there's little hope that you'll be able to get him to make any real changes. yeah. that... (i have not been a member that long, but LB is usually dead on...) you are on the verge of failing a very important exam. and it is because you are getting way ahead of both him and yourself. he IS having the type of relationship that he wants from you right now. not because he doesn't like you, but that is what people do. it is pretty tough to get people to adjust there priorities and comfort zone in the span of a month. no disrespect intended, but i almost want to say you have no right to expect such... the man has priorities. he asked you to wait a little while. three weeks is nothing. put yourself in his shoes. ALZHEIMERS is a mother _____ !!! it is hard enough to deal with with someone you don't know, but with your mother? that is not baggage, that is a full time job. people tend to think that it is just a memeory disease. i have a close friend who had to quit his job because he was afraid to leave the house because his mother may wander off during the day, and he has trouble sleeping for long periods because she could get out in his sleep. what i am saying is that he may be hoping that you are the kind of person that has the kind of patience to be able to deal with a relationship with him. but the only way for him to find out is time. i kinda understand you being uneasy about the personal ad. that can be scary. he may still have it up because he is worried that you will not be able to cope with his pace. i think you should pump the brakes a little. if you really like him, wait a little while to so if he makes an effort to see you more. your post reads like a neglected long term girlfriend or a wife in anguish. of course every woman wants to feel wanted, so i understand. but, considering the circumstances, you need some more time before you can expect to move up on the priority list. i don't think that you should if you get further down the line and you see a bad pattern, then jump ship. sounds to me like you are jumping the gun which can be unhealthy in any relationship...
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