HeiXiong Posted July 28, 2015 Posted July 28, 2015 I will try to keep this short. If I am totally honest with myself I think I know the answer and I am sure many of you will roll your eyes in despair. I’ve kept it to myself for some time now and I feel the need for some input. I hope you lovely people will indulge me. Here it goes. Back in early February I started online dating; I was located in a foreign country and had been there for over 10years. It was time to move back to my home country so I thought it couldn’t hurt to line up a few dates for when I got back. I was looking for some friendship, companionship and to see where any of that led. I met a guy online and we hit it off quite quickly. He sent some very long interesting and engaging emails and we soon went from messaging by email to skype and whatsapp. We messaged constantly for those two months. He was quite supportive and a great distraction whilst I was preparing for my departure. We really build up a good connection. Anyway I returned home at the beginning of April, we spent the first weekend together (cue roll eyes) and I know that was soon as I didn’t really know him but I felt like I did and I don’t regret it. I think if he had only been after one thing he would have looked elsewhere as I was so far away. We spent our first date with some good friends of his and all had a really nice evening. The next day we toured around the city and he had bought me a few things for breakfast he knew I had missed having spent so long away from home. He was really very thoughtful. I was still quite shy and a bit nervous and as it was all quite overwhelming I don’t think I came across as my normal self. Anyway a few weeks later he came to mine for the weekend and again we spent a really lovely weekend together. This was around the end of April. We laughed and talked but not about anything heavy and we certainly didn’t label what it was between us. During the whole time we messaged a lot, sent each photo’s of our day etc etc. We were both busy me especially as I had just moved home and had lots of friends and family to catch up with. About two weeks after I noticed that his messages started to drift, not so regular and were shorter than before. He had a big weekend planned with some friends and afterwards he did not get in touch for a few days. I saw this as a blow off and sent him a message to say “I get the feeling I will not hear from you again but I wanted you to know I really enjoyed our weekends together and I hope you are OK. I miss our chats” or something to that effect. I wasn’t expecting a reply but he quickly replied with a lengthy message saying he had not gone anywhere but his Mum was sick and that he had to go down to see her (about a 4h drive) I replied and apologized that I felt I had been selfish and that my reaction to him being away was more a reflection of my current state of mind (to which I was referring to a fear of rejection.. maybe he didn’t understand this?) and to take his time I hoped everything was OK. I got another message a day or so later to which I replied. It was an innocuous message, just a how was your day kind of thing. He never replied and I have not heard anything since. I have purposefully not contacted him as I felt that I had given him his out and I didn’t want to come across as needy or clingy or to pressure him. To be honest I kind of thought I would hear from him again but now almost 3 months have passed. I know I have been ghosted and I should move on and I have been dating and met some lovely people, I have been quite busy. The problem is he is still on my mind. I cannot help thinking that I should try just once more but I am scared. I guess my question is could he be thinking that I ghosted him? Is it always so cut and dry that a man has to do the first contact? Should I send him an email just to touch base? I really felt we had a connection and to be honest if he has moved on then I would be OK with it, it is just the not knowing. He mentioned before our first date that he had bumped into an ex that had rejected him and that the thought of meeting me brought up many fears and we both agreed that we would be gentle with each other. It was a very sweet and honest conversation. Maybe his definition of gentle is different to mine. Sorry this is longer than I had planned. Thank you so much for reading and I am grateful for any replies, but please be gentle. Like I said I think I know the answer, but it is always good to get some advise. Thanks again.
ThisisIt606 Posted July 28, 2015 Posted July 28, 2015 If someone is interested he will reply even if it has been a long time. Could be the whole sick mother thing was a lie. Most people know not to bother someone if you are just getting to know them and they mention a sick family memeber. He prob used that as an excuse instead of staying a real reason for his lessening interest. I don't think you should contact him. He hasn't put any real effort into you. Why should you run after him? It shouldn't be that hard. He sounds like he likes to run from situations instead of being honest. Find a guy who appreciates you.
Yookie Posted July 28, 2015 Posted July 28, 2015 Yes the answer you know to be right is correct. He has moved on sorry.
toml Posted July 28, 2015 Posted July 28, 2015 I will try to keep this short. If I am totally honest with myself I think I know the answer and I am sure many of you will roll your eyes in despair. I’ve kept it to myself for some time now and I feel the need for some input. I hope you lovely people will indulge me. Here it goes. Back in early February I started online dating; I was located in a foreign country and had been there for over 10years. It was time to move back to my home country so I thought it couldn’t hurt to line up a few dates for when I got back. I was looking for some friendship, companionship and to see where any of that led. I met a guy online and we hit it off quite quickly. He sent some very long interesting and engaging emails and we soon went from messaging by email to skype and whatsapp. We messaged constantly for those two months. He was quite supportive and a great distraction whilst I was preparing for my departure. We really build up a good connection. Anyway I returned home at the beginning of April, we spent the first weekend together (cue roll eyes) and I know that was soon as I didn’t really know him but I felt like I did and I don’t regret it. I think if he had only been after one thing he would have looked elsewhere as I was so far away. We spent our first date with some good friends of his and all had a really nice evening. The next day we toured around the city and he had bought me a few things for breakfast he knew I had missed having spent so long away from home. He was really very thoughtful. I was still quite shy and a bit nervous and as it was all quite overwhelming I don’t think I came across as my normal self. Anyway a few weeks later he came to mine for the weekend and again we spent a really lovely weekend together. This was around the end of April. We laughed and talked but not about anything heavy and we certainly didn’t label what it was between us. During the whole time we messaged a lot, sent each photo’s of our day etc etc. We were both busy me especially as I had just moved home and had lots of friends and family to catch up with. About two weeks after I noticed that his messages started to drift, not so regular and were shorter than before. He had a big weekend planned with some friends and afterwards he did not get in touch for a few days. I saw this as a blow off and sent him a message to say “I get the feeling I will not hear from you again but I wanted you to know I really enjoyed our weekends together and I hope you are OK. I miss our chats” or something to that effect. I wasn’t expecting a reply but he quickly replied with a lengthy message saying he had not gone anywhere but his Mum was sick and that he had to go down to see her (about a 4h drive) I replied and apologized that I felt I had been selfish and that my reaction to him being away was more a reflection of my current state of mind (to which I was referring to a fear of rejection.. maybe he didn’t understand this?) and to take his time I hoped everything was OK. I got another message a day or so later to which I replied. It was an innocuous message, just a how was your day kind of thing. He never replied and I have not heard anything since. I have purposefully not contacted him as I felt that I had given him his out and I didn’t want to come across as needy or clingy or to pressure him. To be honest I kind of thought I would hear from him again but now almost 3 months have passed. I know I have been ghosted and I should move on and I have been dating and met some lovely people, I have been quite busy. The problem is he is still on my mind. I cannot help thinking that I should try just once more but I am scared. I guess my question is could he be thinking that I ghosted him? Is it always so cut and dry that a man has to do the first contact? Should I send him an email just to touch base? I really felt we had a connection and to be honest if he has moved on then I would be OK with it, it is just the not knowing. He mentioned before our first date that he had bumped into an ex that had rejected him and that the thought of meeting me brought up many fears and we both agreed that we would be gentle with each other. It was a very sweet and honest conversation. Maybe his definition of gentle is different to mine. Sorry this is longer than I had planned. Thank you so much for reading and I am grateful for any replies, but please be gentle. Like I said I think I know the answer, but it is always good to get some advise. Thanks again. My opinion as a male. If he liked you he would have told you about his mum. I was talking to a girl in another country every day via text/watsapp and my uncle died and i went cold for a couple of days but texted her sayibg sorry i havent written my uncle passed away. Even at some point her aunt was in hospital and she told me why she was busy one day. My point is if the person likes you they would not ignore you for several days. They will let you know what iw going on with their life. MY uncle passed away but i was still texting her and in contact with her during the week he died
Lansing Posted July 28, 2015 Posted July 28, 2015 Really, I think you have done enough. You should move on.... Last thing is you contacted him. He didn't respond. For the future, I wouldn't be sending a message like "hey, I haven't heard from you so I guess that I won't hear from you again"... It puts the guy in a weird position to even recover from if there was something that came up unexpected. I was dating a girl and I didn't contact her for a few days because I got tied up with a huge thing at work that overwhelmed by life. Instead of her saying "hey, hope we can get together on the weekend" or whatever she sent a message that says "what's going on??" in an attacking kind of way and that really turned me off of her. I felt like she wasn't understanding of my situation. 1
Author HeiXiong Posted July 28, 2015 Author Posted July 28, 2015 Thank you all for taking the time to reply. Lansing, thank you for your honesty. You've really touched a nerve and it had not really crossed my mind until I read your message. I was giving in to my fear and it has totally backfired. I actually thought at the time it was a kind and sensitive way to let him leave without feeling bad but I can see now how it could be misunderstood. If anything I have taken away some really good lessons from this encounter. Onwards and upwards.
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