It doesn't feel nice being an option

[roedeer]

I admitted that I somewhat forced my bf into marriage. I told him "whether it's yes or know, you must tell me your decision by date X" and he asked me "what if I am not ready", and my answer was "then I'll leave, if you are not ready, that means I'm just not the woman you want". And he knew I was serious. Now, I have my little beautiful ring.

 

The reason I pushed him...I think I'm introvert, who love to have a life partner so much. I want to take care of him, to be his best friend and to grow old with him. I just love being a nice, understanding, and supportive wife.

 

He is an expat living in my country. Therefore paperwork will take a lot of time. I will do most of them, but I need some documents from his side. So all he needs to do is visiting his embassy with me to ask for those papers - which would not take more than an hour of his time.

 

My bf had a day off and I told him we should come to the embassy which he agreed. He suggested we should go in the morning so we wouldn't have to wait in line. And then in the evening, he called me "I think we should not go there early morning, I feel little bit sick, and tomorrow is my day off, so I want to sleep in", I was confused "so when? would you like to go in the afternoon, i will try to get some hours off work?". Then he told me he could not go in the afternoon because a friend of him might visit and hang-out (this is his close friend and is also his neighbor) "maybe other day". "Why don't you do that on your free day tomorrow but waiting for some unsure free days in future?" and he was like "okay, so i will call you whenever I wake up to see if I want to go". Ohh yes. At that moment, I just realize how cheap this relationship is to him. So I told him 'whatever you like' and I hung up.

If you have a full day off, and if you think it's something important to do, will you rather spend that day to take long nap or drink beer with neighbor? He always make schedule to do anything to make the most of his time: going to barber, going shopping, going to buy all the smallest stuffs. And he doesn't want to make time for our marriage paperwork?

 

I was overly accommodating, and now I face the consequence. Since we started dating til now, he still does anything he wants, he cancelled our plans a few times because a friend want to see him for some drink. I just look at him as a loyal and romantic guy, but I pretend not to realize that any other things are a priority in his life rather than me.

 

I am just an option. I have been an option from the start of this relationship. And friends asked me many times"how would you put up with his selfishness and bad temper?". It was my fault for not standing up from the start, but it's my nature. I'm soft and self-content. I'm fully aware of my situation but I fear losing him. I only have 2-3 friends, and I invested in this relationship so much that I hate the thought of dating any others.

 

Sorry, I feel so disappointed about my being weak and just want to pour my sadness out.

[Sarabi]

At the risk of sounding mean(and I do not mean to), what is nice, supportive and understanding about forcing someone into a marriage they are not ready for?

And if he felt unwell and wanted to rest, what is wrong with going to the embassy another day? Do you need to go together and if so do you find it hard to get days/mornings off at the same time?

 

And...if he's always been cancelling plans and your friends are asking why you put up with it and you have brushed it to the side before yet you don't want to lose him...why are you upset? Is he the only man in the world and you can't go out and make other friends?

 

Am not sure what to say really. Sorry you are feeling sad

[ExpatInItaly]

Why do you want to marry him? I mean that as a sincere question. What are the qualities he has that you feel would make him a good husband for you? How old are you both, and have you dated much before?

 

There are several red flags here. One is you feeling compelled to give him an ultimatum to get him to marry you. Marriage is a gigantic commitment and nobody should ever feel pressured into it. Wouldn't you prefer a man who wants to marry you, rather than someone who is doing it out of obligation because it's only what you want? I think you pushing him has nothing to do with being introverted, to be honest. It seems more that you are afraid of being on your own and have grown dependent on him. I don't doubt that you love him and want to marry him, but pressuring someone is never the way to go about it.

 

Another red flag is that you are so afraid of losing him. Breakups are painful, of course. But you appear to have invested a lot more (emotionally-speaking) than he has. It isn't his problem that you don't have much of a social life. Why don't you get more? You'd probably feel less dependent on him if you had more friends and interests outside the relationship too.

 

A question about the logistics: why do you need to go to his embassy with him to get the necessary documents? I am sure this is something he could do on his own, when he has free time. If you sense that he's really resisting, you could be right that he just doesn't want to. When are you planning on getting married? I'm just wondering about the sense of urgency.

 

I think you need to have a very honest discussion with him. Unfortunately, you may have painted yourself right into a corner here. Yes, you have a ring. But that doesn't guarantee marriage. You are going to have no choice but to face your fears and ask him if he truly wants to do this. Be prepared to hear the truth. If he doesn't, you will eventually be okay. There are other men out there too.

[roedeer]

Why do you want to marry him? I mean that as a sincere question. What are the qualities he has that you feel would make him a good husband for you? How old are you both, and have you dated much before?

 

There are several red flags here. One is you feeling compelled to give him an ultimatum to get him to marry you. Marriage is a gigantic commitment and nobody should ever feel pressured into it. Wouldn't you prefer a man who wants to marry you, rather than someone who is doing it out of obligation because it's only what you want? I think you pushing him has nothing to do with being introverted, to be honest. It seems more that you are afraid of being on your own and have grown dependent on him. I don't doubt that you love him and want to marry him, but pressuring someone is never the way to go about it.

 

Another red flag is that you are so afraid of losing him. Breakups are painful, of course. But you appear to have invested a lot more (emotionally-speaking) than he has. It isn't his problem that you don't have much of a social life. Why don't you get more? You'd probably feel less dependent on him if you had more friends and interests outside the relationship too.

 

A question about the logistics: why do you need to go to his embassy with him to get the necessary documents? I am sure this is something he could do on his own, when he has free time. If you sense that he's really resisting, you could be right that he just doesn't want to. When are you planning on getting married? I'm just wondering about the sense of urgency.

 

I think you need to have a very honest discussion with him. Unfortunately, you may have painted yourself right into a corner here. Yes, you have a ring. But that doesn't guarantee marriage. You are going to have no choice but to face your fears and ask him if he truly wants to do this. Be prepared to hear the truth. If he doesn't, you will eventually be okay. There are other men out there too.

 

Thanks, I do understand that pressuring someone into a commitment is so wrong. That''s why I feel bad, and guilty. He assured me that it's what he wanted and that I didn't push him at all.

 

The embassy thing is just administrative requirement.

 

Actually, deep in my heart, I know the only person that responsible for my happiness is myself. I don't blame him. I'm more of disappointing of myself. I just wrote out all my mean thoughts to make me feel better.

[travelbug1996]

What you are going through will be one of the most important lessons you will ever learn in life.

 

The next man you marry will actually propose to you and want to marry you more than anything in life. That is the man that will make you a priority. This man will not because he didn't get married because he sincerely wanted to. He mostly did it because of your ultimatum.

 

Don't beat yourself up. This marriage probably won't last because he's not gonna magically start making you his priority. If I were you I wouldn't prolong it and would move forward with a divorce.

 

I say all this to you because its similar to the way I got married and I never felt secure with how we got married.

 

Best wishes to you

[Tayla]

What you are going through will be one of the most important lessons you will ever learn in life.

 

The next man you marry will actually propose to you and want to marry you more than anything in life. That is the man that will make you a priority. This man will not because he didn't get married because he sincerely wanted to. He mostly did it because of your ultimatum.

 

Don't beat yourself up. This marriage probably won't last because he's not gonna magically start making you his priority. If I were you I wouldn't prolong it and would move forward with a divorce.

 

I say all this to you because its similar to the way I got married and I never felt secure with how we got married.

 

Best wishes to you

Travelbug, they are engaged, not married. Unless they did go

to the embassy and got the docs.

 

I feel for the Op, hearts in the right place.