Michelle ma Belle Posted July 28, 2015 Posted July 28, 2015 Lorenza, I think it wouldn't hurt you to seek out some individual counselling/therapy. Despite your confidence in some areas of your life you clearly lack it when it comes to relationships and THAT could put you in great jeopardy in the long run. Nip it in the but now and spend this time working on further developing your confidence and self-worth. Good luck. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted July 28, 2015 Posted July 28, 2015 (edited) Out of curiosity, how old is he? And how old are you? Where did you meet? I ask because this sounds a lot more like a parent-child dynamic than anything else. Again, you'll be grateful someday that you're not involved with him anymore. He's a loser. Edited July 28, 2015 by ExpatInItaly
Author Lorenza Posted July 28, 2015 Author Posted July 28, 2015 Out of curiosity, how old is he? And how old are you? Where did you meet? I ask because this sounds a lot more like a parent-child dynamic than anything else. Again, you'll be grateful someday that you're not involved with him anymore. He's a loser. I'm 26, he's 36 and you're completely right, he even called himself a daddy numerous times and made a lot of jokes about it. He also has two kids and jokingly called me his 3 daughter. I would sometimes complain how daddyish he was and he'd be upset if I wouldn't listen to what he tells me to do. It was nice to be taken care off sometimes, but could be a pain in the ass quite often. We met through friends, on a house party and immediately felt super attracted to each other. Eh..
aloneinaz Posted July 28, 2015 Posted July 28, 2015 It's not easy to move on and accept it, while I feel like my **** was so small compared to his and yet he came out like a winner out of it... So he put the full load of blame on me and while I can't get it off while talking to him, I talk to other people, maybe it will take off some of it. Or make the grieving process faster, cause I literally sit and think and torture myself every day since he dumped me 17 days ago... I don't even know what I wrote here, sorry for ranting Sweetie, You're the winner in this situation. You not stuck with that douche bag any longer. It's good that you're ego and self esteem is hurt. It means you're getting a bit pissed about this. It means you're standing up for yourself and say F-you to this doucher. Listen, believe it or not, you have the power now. He made the decision to end the relationship. You've accepted it. You'll TOTALLY knock the chip off his shoulder and deflate his ego down if you VANISH from his life. He's expecting that you will continue to contact him (I hope you haven't) and beg for another chance. Please don't even consider contacting him and insure you've got him blocked on everything. Back to the power, while he ended it, you now have the final say if you'll ever speak to him again. If you stay vanished from him, there's a high chance he'll contact you our of curiosity or to stroke his ego. Ignore him! It will REALLY anger him. "How dare you not reply to me".. Work on yourself, talk to someone and heal. Then work on your "picker" that you're using in going out with guys. You'll meet someone MUCH better than him.
Author Lorenza Posted July 28, 2015 Author Posted July 28, 2015 Sweetie, You're the winner in this situation. You not stuck with that douche bag any longer. It's good that you're ego and self esteem is hurt. It means you're getting a bit pissed about this. It means you're standing up for yourself and say F-you to this doucher. Listen, believe it or not, you have the power now. He made the decision to end the relationship. You've accepted it. You'll TOTALLY knock the chip off his shoulder and deflate his ego down if you VANISH from his life. He's expecting that you will continue to contact him (I hope you haven't) and beg for another chance. Please don't even consider contacting him and insure you've got him blocked on everything. Back to the power, while he ended it, you now have the final say if you'll ever speak to him again. If you stay vanished from him, there's a high chance he'll contact you our of curiosity or to stroke his ego. Ignore him! It will REALLY anger him. "How dare you not reply to me".. Work on yourself, talk to someone and heal. Then work on your "picker" that you're using in going out with guys. You'll meet someone MUCH better than him. Thanks a lot for the support! Yes, I stopped the contact ever since I came back from my home country, like 6 days ago. I bet he thought I will come by to take my stuff or just appear at his door and try to talk, but I did the opposite - had my dad to contact him about picking up my stuff and didn't even answer his casual sms about my dad picking them up. After being a center person in my life, he must wonder, how the hell do I cope with this. Or maybe he doesn't care. Either way, you're right, it's very empowering to just vanish. Makes me feel good thinking, that he wonders: "how did this apologetic person manage to not come running to my door the moment he came out of the plane".
mightycpa Posted July 29, 2015 Posted July 29, 2015 Well written and probably true, I would take that, accept and move one, if I wasn't made into the offender by my ex. Only in his mind, and I guess in yours. You can't change all of that, but you can change the important part.
Author Lorenza Posted July 29, 2015 Author Posted July 29, 2015 In the interest of fairness I did go back and read your entire post. I am not going to change a single word to what I said above however. For some reason, you tried to become someone else for this buttwad. IMHO it is a testament to your good character that he didn't want to stay with you. He is either an ass, a dick or some kind of narcissist with an actual personality disorder, I haven't been able to figure out which because he has elements of all of those things. If you aren't a narcissistic ass with a personality disorder yourself, then while in the name of all that is Holy are you trying to change into somebody else for a jerkwad like that????? I assume you are a good person and would make a perfectly good girlfriend for a good and decent man so if you are true to yourself, the right person will be there for you. You have been blessed here that this person walked away. Thank you lucky stars he is gone. Now be yourself and let nature take it's course and let a good man into your life. You are right about the changing part, except that everything was done in the open, he knew how I was and told me what I need to become to stay with him. At first it didn't seem hard and I was anyway on a transition period of my life, but after I "completed" the first part of his demands (which I would have done on my own too), things never changed into an equal, loving relationship. One of those time he complained about me, I asked him if he's not happy with me. The answer was "I'm happy almost all the time, but that is only because I turn off my expectations and what I really want from you". So wtf, he's happy with the real me, but wants me change for the sake of his unclear ambitions? Damn it... Otherwise thanks for the support and kind words
Author Lorenza Posted July 29, 2015 Author Posted July 29, 2015 Only in his mind, and I guess in yours. You can't change all of that, but you can change the important part. Yea you're right, I can only change that in my mind, but not his... First days after the breakup I tried to reach out and talk to him, wrote him a long message, explaining what could have went wrong, addressed the issues on both sides, but he answered that he won't read it. Leaves loose ends in my mind... But I guess I should tie them up for myself...
ohnoo Posted July 29, 2015 Posted July 29, 2015 Wow, what a jerk and he should know better since he's way older than you. Can't believe you put up with his mental abuse. He never even said he loved you. Do yourself a favor and don't ever reply to his messages anymore. Just block him completely in FB. If you reply and keep him around, you're just fueling his ego and he'll think that you still want to be with him. Don't give him that power.
Author Lorenza Posted July 29, 2015 Author Posted July 29, 2015 Wow, what a jerk and he should know better since he's way older than you. Can't believe you put up with his mental abuse. He never even said he loved you. Do yourself a favor and don't ever reply to his messages anymore. Just block him completely in FB. If you reply and keep him around, you're just fueling his ego and he'll think that you still want to be with him. Don't give him that power. I don't know how could he have been so nice sometimes, and a complete jerk other times... Yea, not saying I love you is also a red flag, though I haven't said that to him for a long time either, just once when he was upset at me, but he ofc didn't answer. I'm not sure what he felt for me... Dumping someone 2 days before their bday, for reasons unclear doesn't scream "love" to me I blocked him on everywhere, but it's not like he is writing anything to me anyway... Maybe he's just happy I disappeared...
aloneinaz Posted July 29, 2015 Posted July 29, 2015 I don't know how could he have been so nice sometimes, and a complete jerk other times... ... Because he has something wrong with him, mentally or emotionally. People like this don't change w/out serious therapy. As mentioned, address your issues that made you stay with him. I blocked him on everywhere, but it's not like he is writing anything to me anyway... Maybe he's just happy I disappeared... I'd bet you $100 bucks you'll hear from again and get to "enjoy" ignoring him. You need to work on getting to a point where you don't care if you hear from him or not.
elaine567 Posted July 29, 2015 Posted July 29, 2015 I blocked him on everywhere, but it's not like he is writing anything to me anyway... Maybe he's just happy I disappeared... He'll have moved on to his next "project". He sounds cold and calculating and I agree with others who say this was emotional abuse. BUT I also agree with oldshirt. YOU were not being YOU, you were trying to be some gf directly tailored to his needs. A bespoke Stepford wife. He said blue, you said blue, he said pink, you said pink, and whilst that may be good in the short term for someone who is a bit of a control freak, it can get pretty boring and leads to disrespect. He made you into a doormat and then stamped all over you. Once he made you dirty with his feet, he binned you. Be yourself and if they don't like you - stuff them - someone will think you are fabulous and you won't spend your life pretending to be someone you are not.
Author Lorenza Posted July 29, 2015 Author Posted July 29, 2015 He'll have moved on to his next "project". He sounds cold and calculating and I agree with others who say this was emotional abuse. BUT I also agree with oldshirt. YOU were not being YOU, you were trying to be some gf directly tailored to his needs. A bespoke Stepford wife. He said blue, you said blue, he said pink, you said pink, and whilst that may be good in the short term for someone who is a bit of a control freak, it can get pretty boring and leads to disrespect. He made you into a doormat and then stamped all over you. Once he made you dirty with his feet, he binned you. Be yourself and if they don't like you - stuff them - someone will think you are fabulous and you won't spend your life pretending to be someone you are not. The thing is I would have gladly become that person he wanted me to be - fix small flaws, be less forgetful, sharper, not let my emotions cloud my judgement (which is probably impossible, since I'm an artistic person), but I saw later on, that it's impossible for me to become perfect enough to gain his respect. Possibly also because I'm younger, an immigrant, poor (since I just started my business and it takes time for me to start earning more). Whatever I say he would contradict and start explaining me how things work, even if I knew them. Was a never ending story - "you don't understand, let me explain you", "no, that's not how it is, THIS is how it is" etc etc. In the beginning I'd get frustrated, but later on I'd just keep my mouth shut. You're stop on, by saying that he'll move on his next project - he had one before me, a woman in who's career he invested a lot of money and dumped when she didn't fulfill his expectations. Story will go on....
elaine567 Posted July 29, 2015 Posted July 29, 2015 The thing is I would have gladly become that person he wanted me to be - fix small flaws, be less forgetful, sharper, not let my emotions cloud my judgement (which is probably impossible, since I'm an artistic person), but I saw later on, that it's impossible for me to become perfect enough to gain his respect. Possibly also because I'm younger, an immigrant, poor (since I just started my business and it takes time for me to start earning more). Whatever I say he would contradict and start explaining me how things work, even if I knew them. Was a never ending story - "you don't understand, let me explain you", "no, that's not how it is, THIS is how it is" etc etc. In the beginning I'd get frustrated, but later on I'd just keep my mouth shut. You're stop on, by saying that he'll move on his next project - he had one before me, a woman in who's career he invested a lot of money and dumped when she didn't fulfill his expectations. Story will go on.... Read this - Idealize, Devalue, Discard
Author Lorenza Posted July 29, 2015 Author Posted July 29, 2015 Read this - Idealize, Devalue, Discard Some part of this article do apply, though maybe to a much milder degree... I don't think this guy is a psychopath, but has some deep emotional issues, maybe even a bit of narcissistic tendencies... He had some really difficult relationships with his parents and his first wife, which seem to have left him traumatized, though he would pretend to be a very chilled, happy person, to a point of overblown confidence and ego which sometimes seemed obviously delusional to me. Too bad I didn't realize it earlier, always thinking I will sooner or later earn his respect or he'll fall in love and drop his bull*hit. Guess by disrespecting me he hid his own deep issues.
elaine567 Posted July 29, 2015 Posted July 29, 2015 Some part of this article do apply, though maybe to a much milder degree... I don't think this guy is a psychopath, but has some deep emotional issues, maybe even a bit of narcissistic tendencies... He had some really difficult relationships with his parents and his first wife, which seem to have left him traumatized, though he would pretend to be a very chilled, happy person, to a point of overblown confidence and ego which sometimes seemed obviously delusional to me. Too bad I didn't realize it earlier, always thinking I will sooner or later earn his respect or he'll fall in love and drop his bull*hit. Guess by disrespecting me he hid his own deep issues. I do not think he is necessarily a psychopath either, but he is showing some similarities in the way he dealt with your relationship. Be very glad he ended it. It is not your job to save him, stay away. 1
Author Lorenza Posted July 29, 2015 Author Posted July 29, 2015 Hope time will give me wisdom to be happy about this relationship ending, cause now I'm still missing him as crazy, despite all the ****. What is about us people that makes us want to be punched in the face and then want to come back for another punch...
Author Lorenza Posted July 30, 2015 Author Posted July 30, 2015 I don't even know what I miss, that person or generally the feeling of being with someone... But today it's rainy and cold and I would give anything to be there at his place right now. I wish there was a button to switch off that part of brain that makes me feel this way
Author Lorenza Posted August 4, 2015 Author Posted August 4, 2015 Had to break the NC for one short message about giving back the stuff. I also sat in the car while my dad picked my stuff up and heard the voice of my ex. It was hard, but somehow that made me realize that it's really over. I cried like crazy for an hour, but since that it somehow became way easier. One thing that helped me, was looking at my childhood pictures. I zoomed into my innocent, 2 y o face and told it: "I am sorry for not loving you enough. You weren't born into this world to cry over someone, who didn't appreciate you, who thought you were not good enough for him and discarded you as if you meant nothing. I am sorry I didn't care enough for you, but I promise to get over this and only look for someone to whom you'll mean the whole world". I told that to my child-self and I felt better. I know I won't settle for a belittling guy ever again.
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