So much went wrong so fast

[Davis4224]

Hi,

 

first, thank you for taking the time to read and reply. It means a lot and I will try to keep this abbreviated.

 

In a relationship for 4 years with the most amazing girl I could ever ask for. Things were great but I feel as though the last year I have been unkind to her. She believes it was longer than a year and that may be true.

 

I made comments about whether she was working out or controlling her in the details of our life. Awful I know. She kept her unhappiness to herself and gave in to me letting the control over her get worse. There was one moment where she was hurt but I still felt like the relationship was so solid and could make her feel better.

 

Never would I have thought the relationship would essentially break.

 

On Thursday she said she wanted to breakup. I consoled her and said it would be very sad. I still didnt think it would end for whatever reason.

 

Friday we talked over phone and it became emotional. She cried in front of her coworkers and they went out drinking. I waited for her to come home but when she wouldn't text or call back I became angry/sad and threw her clothes on the ground which I will regret forever (started drinking myself). I drove away and slept in my car on the driveway of my parent's house.

 

She came Saturday morning and grabbed her cats and clothes and makeup and left to her mom's house. Emotional calls happened later.

 

On Sunday I begged for forgiveness and truly meant everything I said when I said I was not being who I truly am and have been lost and stressed from work and took you for granted and never appreciated you.

 

She thought very carefully and i was an emotional wreck and it ended with her saying that she doesn't love me that way anymore but that she used to dream of us as a family. She would like to be friends eventually.

 

I packed my things and left. The computer is gone, other things are gone. I need to take the bed back on Wednesday.

 

I love her more than anything in this world but didnt show it at all. I was a horrible boyfriend and person. I am asking for a second chance.

 

I am going to individual therapy this week and have found a great couple's therapist to go to. I think its a good idea to keep ourselves separated so that she can focus on herself and hangout with her newfound girlfriends and co-workers. I am planning on remaining silent until Friday night when I will email her explaining that im going to therapy and it would mean a lot to me if we could go to couple's therapy.

 

I originally was going to break the lease on the apartment (1 bedroom) which once she heard that, said she would take it on. I was dumbfounded by this. I thought that would be lonely for her as it was for me Saturday night. I thought for sure she would live with her girlfriends. She says she wants nothing to do with guys and to focus on herself.

 

I am hopeful that she wont see the moving out of my things and each other's parents hearing about this fight as a major roadblock.

 

I am hopeful that she will be willing to go to couple's therapy with me and work on out relationship.

 

There was so much love in this for us both and I can't fathom it ending. I can't give up and it hurts me to death. I cant eat, sleep, or function at work. Its truly is eating at me inside because I can only blame myself. I truly am looking to get back to who I truly am (she has doubts understandably). I want to be a better boyfriend and person.

 

She has put the PGE and comcast bills under her name. She just responds that whenever this week is fine to pickup the bed. Its really gone cold ....understandably.

 

I truly feel blindsided even though a normal minded person may have not have been....I still feel as though I need this second chance and I was so unaware of her true feelings its killing me.

 

I am beyond devastated. It was my doing and I am here because of me. But I would do anything to have a second chance at this.

Edited July 28, 2015 by Davis4224

[Chi townD]

I have a feeling that there's another guy in the picture. Probably someone she works with.

 

 

Sorry you're going through this.

[ravfour4]

Hey Davis, your situation sounds very similar to mine. 4 year, loving relationship that eventually fell apart after both of us became complacent.

 

First thing, don't be so hard on yourself. If you started out great and started taking her for granted, sure there's a chance it's because you're a "jerk", but it's likely a combination of external stressors and the way she was acting. In great relationships, your girlfriend can help calm you down when you're stressed and she'll also push back and won't let you control her because she'll have her own confidence and sense of self. It was likely a mixture of both of your behaviors that led to the end. Don't blame yourself completely.

 

Unfortunately, like the other poster said, if an ex goes from loving you to ice cold - it's often because they phased on to someone else. Instead, they could have told you their issues so you could have worked on them. Did she tell you what was wrong? Or did she sort of just drop this bomb on you?? If the latter, once again - it wasn't all your fault, she could have communicated better.

 

Stay strong, this **** sucks, try not to question yourself a lot, just make improvements to yourself and keep hanging out with friends or make a bunch of new ones. If you already tried to reason with her and explain your mistakes, there's not much else you can do besides move on. I'm doubtful that she'll be receptive to couple's counseling, especially with how excited she seemed to have the apartment to herself.

 

Don't do what I did and continue to push to get back together, it only pushes them further and makes you look weak and not confident after they've already given up. Just let things play out and take some time apart to figure yourself out, I'm feeling much better now, but I would have gotten here much sooner had I done that from the get go.

Edited July 28, 2015 by ravfour4

[Davis4224]

Thank you for the responses. In my heart I can't believe there's a guy. She told me numerous times as I asked if she was being influenced by all the new girlfriends and guy friends she now has due to new job.

 

The apartment to herself meant to me that maybe she's holding on to a piece of us instead of breaking the lease. She can barely afford it though and it's 1 bedroom meaning that she can't be using this to have a girlfriend live there?

 

She said she's gone through the grieving process already but left me shocked and emotional. She could have communicated better I guess. But I missed some communication too. I just didn't take it seriously enough and I don't have an answer as to why.

 

Our love was strong and I will hold on until Friday because I feel so strongly about her (only 5 days of no contact I know..). On Friday I will email about counseling and pray that she is receptive to it and we are simply separated for a while but continue to work towards a better relationship.

 

If she tells me that she's moved on and glad I'm now getting therapy but it's too late (which I'm so fearful of)...then I will be forced to begin the healing process.

 

So much is left in the apartment. I will have to sign over the lease, pick up everything small left behind, etc. So much pain.

 

My doubts are rising as write this because she is the type to feel that since everything of mine is gone and each other's parents know of this event that there's no going back to it even if she has doubts about her decision.

Edited July 28, 2015 by Davis4224

[Brokenman88]

I think you should give her space for a while, if there is another guy (which I don't think there is not after a 4 year relationship) and he is no good to her she will come crawling back, let her fall in love with you again she hasn't seemed to have fallen out of love with you, go do your own thing, get yourself sorted. To me it sounds like she is going thru a phase of unhappiness it happens in most relationships, time heals everything. Maybe give it a couple of weeks let her miss you and have a good talk to her but don't beg it will drag her further away (don't make the same mistakes I did). If a woman breaks up with you it most likely means she has already been thru the grieving process. Don't be nasty to her anymore as hard as it can be. 4 years is a long time there are great memories that normally override the bad memories.

 

I'm going thru a similar experience except I have a 4 year old child around with a woman I was with for 6 and a half year engaged 2 years, we still hang as a family (wouldn't be contacting her if I had a choice) and she still has all her photos of us on social media, I'm showing her I'm changing and sorting myself out, my daughter told me my ex misses me in front of us and she kinda bottled up, it's tough man but if you are patient good things will come your way. Good luck.

Edited July 28, 2015 by Brokenman88

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, you first need to understand that your experience and her experience of the relationship are not the same. Things weren't great for her. Being controlled is an awful feeling; I have been in her place. You feel suffocated and as though you're walking on eggshells. It's not all down to work stress, so please don't tell her that. When did you start to notice these changes in yourself? Had something changed in the dynamic of the relationship? Did something happen to trigger insecurities? Can you provide some examples of the things you said or did that you describe as controlling and unkind?

 

If she is anything like I was when I was in a controlling situation, she's been checking out of the relationship for a while, but only had the courage to tell you now. There might be another guy she's interested in, it can't be ruled out. But asking her if her new friends are influencing her is a bit condescending, even if you didn't mean it that way. Do you not believe she could really have arrived at this decision herself, after seeing how unhealthy it was?

 

I would guess she is feeling somewhat relieved this is over now, which is why staying in the apartment isn't a big emotional burden for her. That may change in the future, and she might realize she doesn't want to be there. But don't dwell on that point, it's not that significant. All you can do is respect her wishes and give her space. She needs breathing room now. You can tell her you've gotten help for yourself, but be prepared to hear a neutral response. Focus on the fact that you are doing something positive for you, and future relationships.

[Davis4224]

I agree with all your posts. I hope she finds a way to want to heal the relationship while separated.

 

I controlled her because I got so used to it. She was so "blah" about evrything I think. I'm not sure how to explain it. She was good at hiding the unhappiness too. I wasn't controlling in every aspect of our lives but I would say we should be saving money and get on our feet to travel and finally have her save money to invest. I would ask her to cook and she did and was amazing. I should have helped her more because my goal was for both of us to cook equally. I would always be the washer though so I wasn't just sitting around either.

 

The sex life withered. It was great for the first year or maybe more. She always had a low libido so she was doing a lot of things because I asked and just went with it. She felt uncomfortable around me because she felt I wanted her to lose weight. I never did but I did look at her critically for whatever unknown reason. She was a 9/10 and wanted her to be a 10/10. Terrible. I took her for granted. I think she sees this as a real sore spot because she thinks sex is something that I think is important to have and she wants it to where she would have sex once every month maybe..probably once every 2 months.

 

I think I'll still email her on Friday about me going to counseling and to see if she is receptive to couples counseling as we live apart. I have to pick up bed on Wednesday so she will be in the mind of probably moving her stuff in which is al bad timing. I have to email Friday for myself. I'm giving no contact for 5 days and if she is not responsive to my email then I know it's truly over and will need to go back and collect the rest of my things....I can't wait to email her for 2 or 3 weeks and drag out my hope for a positive response....this is awful.

Edited July 28, 2015 by Davis4224

[ExpatInItaly]

I agree with all your posts. I hope she finds a way to want to heal the relationship while separated.

 

I controlled her because I got so used to it. She was so "blah" about evrything I think. I'm not sure how to explain it. She was good at hiding the unhappiness too. I wasn't controlling in every aspect of our lives but I would say we should be saving money and get on our feet to travel and finally have her save money to invest. I would ask her to cook and she did and was amazing. I should have helped her more because my goal was for both of us to cook equally. I would always be the washer though so I wasn't just sitting around either.

 

The sex life withered. It was great for the first year or maybe more. She always had a low libido so she was doing a lot of things because I asked and just went with it. She felt uncomfortable around me because she felt I wanted her to lose weight. I never did but I did look at her critically for whatever unknown reason. She was a 9/10 and wanted her to be a 10/10. Terrible. I took her for granted. I think she sees this as a real sore spot because she thinks sex is something that I think is important to have and she wants it to where she would have sex once every month maybe..probably once every 2 months.

 

I think I'll still email her on Friday about me going to counseling and to see if she is receptive to couples counseling as we live apart. I have to pick up bed on Wednesday so she will be in the mind of probably moving her stuff in which is al bad timing. I have to email Friday for myself. I'm giving no contact for 5 days and if she is not responsive to my email then I know it's truly over and will need to go back and collect the rest of my things....I can't wait to email her for 2 or 3 weeks and drag out my hope for a positive response....this is awful.

 

If she felt she wasn't good enough for you and the sex was so sparse...sorry, but i think she's gone. She probably didn't feel controlled as much as unloved. Sounds like the spark died and she fell out of love. Sex every two months isn't a sex life, I dare say. It doesn't seem like there was much chemistry there any longer.

 

The first guy to come along and appreciate her and make her feel attractive and good about herself is going to win her. Perhaps that's already happened. I speak from experience, here. It could be that you just grew apart and maybe you're in denial that you weren't all that in love with her anymore either.

[elaine567]

Being "in control" is addictive and it sound to me the more she bent over backwards to please you, the more you took advantage, the more demanding, the more critical, the more controlling, the less loving you appeared to her.

 

She tried for so long then decided "Stuff it" the bad times have overtaken the good, I am out of here."

 

Speaking from experience here, the relationship I had that was similar to what you describe, I now view as one of the worst I ever had. She will remember the bad times as if they were yesterday, and she will struggle to remember the good times, if she is any like me.

 

I doubt this is recoverable, she will be correct in that she is through the grieving process and can now move on.

 

Controlling, critical, unloving, "taking for granted" behaviour, kills love. I am not saying she will not be sad, but my guess is that she will be very relieved too, that she had the courage to end it.

 

Try to learn from where you went wrong and make your next relationship better.

[Davis4224]

What would the reply below indicate to me talking about seeking therapy and hoping she would go to couples counseling:

 

"I appreciate that you reached out to me - I know it is hard for you to talk about this. I don't really know how I feel about what you said - but wanted to acknowledge it."

 

Also - she is completely moving forward with me getting rest of my stuff and obtaining lease - expected.

[Chi townD]

That response is the MOST politically correct way to say nothing. You can't draw a damn thing from that.

[autumnnight]

If there was another guy you will know soon enough.

 

However, believe it or not, there ARE women who actually DO become legitimately unhappy in a relationship and leave because they are unhappy.

 

Don't let yourself become a hammer where everything is a nail.

[Davis4224]

We're definitely broken up. I believe she is going to remain single. I will only contact her when necessary when it comes to getting things out of the apartment, etc.

 

I won't give up though. I know in my heart that I love her to death and am going to work on myself...put everything I have into it..eventually ask her to have coffee with me in maybe a month...short convo probably...and hopefully she will want to see me again and again just to talk.

[casey.lives]

Im a believer in breaks or time outs in relationships.. i usually need one myself, not as an indication of relationship falling apart but as a re-energizing reinvigorating centering of self. However when someone takes their personal items and has their new flame running around up and down , stinking up the place. That is a break up and no amount of therapy can help. Stop lying to yourself about how much this and how much that.. it's done

[JamesThomas]

The same thing happened to me earlier this year. I had been with her for 3 and a half years To begin with our relationship wa great, I loved it and I was happy. But then over the last year it started to fade away and, much like you, I treated my ex poorly. When we argued I´d insult her, make her cry, shout at her, tell her how annoying she was and such because hey she´d never leave me right??

 

She'd often tell me that she is the best thing that ever and will ever happen to me and that I will never find somebody as loving or willing to do so much for me as she did. One night we were laying in bed and she suddenly said to me "I want you gone... It's over..." I just looked at her blank. I tried to speak to her.

 

About 2 minutes later I burst into tears "pleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease don't breakup with me!!! I'm so sorry I need you in my life I can't live without you!!! PLEASE!!!"

 

She just sat there looking at me with an emotionless expression on her face. The next morning he had gone to work, a piece of paper on her laptop saying "Leave the keys in the letter box..." an hour later I was homeless.

 

Since then my life, over the last 5 months, has slowly gotten worse and worse and now I am living in a hostel and I'm alone. I often think about how happy she actually did make me, everything we did together. I'd do anything to have it all back but I can't. She does keep me on Skype but rarely ever speaks to me and gets angry if I try to talk about things to do with us.

[Davis4224]

The chances of it getting back together are getting slimmer - I understand.

 

We loved each other so much and it fell because I took her for granted. I am trying to think what I need to do to get over her but at the end of the day I can't. I will fight for her....fight for her until the end...My mind refuses to let me believe this somehow couldn't end in a fairy tale ending. There's just more to be written in our story...I don't know what else I can do.

 

I hope she asks to go out for coffee in 4 weeks around my birthday...I mentioned it to her...if she doesn't, even then, I will contact her to see if she would like to go out for coffee and see where it ends up...

 

I went and picked up things from the apartment. She bought a new bed from Ikea. I asked her if she wanted me to take the kitchen stuff I own but thought she needed it more for the time being. I told her I could leave them and that some of the things she says leave me hopeful- "should I be?" I'll say (trying to see if she shuts me down)....but she doesn't tell me to stop dreaming or lose hope..

 

I opened my arms to hug her and she did but had a tough time doing that...I don't know...its all so f****d from last Thursday...

[Chi townD]

Sorry dude, But I think you're reading into things way too much.