cocoa_butter Posted May 6, 2005 Posted May 6, 2005 I'm currently single after a long-term relationship - it's been about a year, and I've starting dating a little. This is new to me though, I never really dated before in high school or college (I'm 25 and in grad school now). My question is... why is it that the guys I attract are generally: A) Insecure, self-deprecating, and oversensitive B) Obsessive and emotionally uncontrolled (i.e. they fall madly "in love" with me at first sight and can't stop chasing me no matter how clearly I tell them I want space) C) Socially awkward, shy & somewhat "sweet" (yes, but I'm not too attracted to them because of qualities A & B above) My first boyfriend fell into this pattern too. Except I was younger then and it seemed sweet to me at the time (I was shy myself)... We had a mostly good relationship while it lasted. But now, as I've grown and changed a lot, I'm more happy, relaxed and self-confident and no longer really attracted to this type of guy (except as a friend)... Are men like this drawn to particular types of behavior in women? I do like some of these qualities in them (sensitive, emotionally open, caring) but I also really want a guy who's strong, secure with himself, and playful and lighthearted too (these guys described above are sorely lacking in a sense of humor and perspective!)... They scare me off with their intensity... Any insights or personal experience other people have with this sort of thing would be very helpful!
JanieQP Posted May 6, 2005 Posted May 6, 2005 I feel your pain ... Had a similar experience with my XH. I was young at the time, he was older and seemed world-wise and experienced. (Ha. HA. HA!) So it all seemed sweet. I'm not even attracted to this kind of guy as a friend. My friends now are generally pretty happy, confident, balanced and respectful of boundaries. Laugh at me for being too freudian, but I'm going to be taking a hard look at my unresolved issues with my parents as a first step to figuring this out in my case.
cocoa_butter Posted May 6, 2005 Posted May 6, 2005 Hmm... as far as issues with my parents... I come from one of those "more than average" dysfunctional homes... My dad was physically violent, emotionally and verbally abusive, clinically paranoid-delusional, and ragingly jealous...! Pretty traumatic for us while growing up (thankfully, my mom finally divorced him last year)... Anyway I've heard that girls who grow up with an abusive dad sometimes attract the same kind of man, but that never happened to me. Maybe I overcompensated in the other direction instead?? So you can see why, in comparison, I'm not too harsh in my judgement of "nice guys"... I do like having friends of all types, including people who may be shy and insecure at times (we all have flaws!) but I'm really not attracted to that in terms of a romantic partner though...
gersanos Posted May 6, 2005 Posted May 6, 2005 cocoa_butter: I have had plenty of these discussions with friends, both male and female. I have a similar problem, but frrom the other end of the spectrum. I seem to attract many gilrls that are insecure (more than the average) and seem to have quite a bit of issues going on in there lives. My guy friends have told me it's because I'm "boyfriend material" as opposed to just a good lay. I can't say that is true or the case, but that's the best answer that they gave me. A girl that I'm friends with, who is a just about finishing her masters in psychology, told me it's because I am just the opposite of them, at least at that point in there lives. I am secure. They find comfort in that. They look up to me. Perhaps I boost there self-esteem, there worth, there ego, etc. But, I have to agree with what my best friend says, who is a girl. I filter out all the girls, and give a chance only to those girls that are greatly insecure and have issues. Hence, I go for a pattern of girls which are not right for me, and everytime I'm left kicking myself for it and trying to figure out what's going on. To a great extent, I go for these types of girls initially because I find them physically attractive. And, as I get to know them, I DO have a pattern of trying to help them out with things, BUT, simultaneaously, I do find it to be a turn off that they have so many negative things going on in their lives/minds. Examples: 1) One girl I dated chased me like crazy. She is a gorgeous looking woman to most. Physically stunning by many. I, however, just wasn't all that into her I guess when I saw her. The more I resisted, the more she chased. She wore only designer clothes. To me that's not a turn on, but more of a turn-off. She is high-maintenence. She rarely smiled. She didn't talk much initially. But, I decided from my patterns that I shouldn't just write her off, but give her a chance. See what happens of it. Well, after 2 months of knowing her she was always around me, confessed her love to me, and begging me for sex because I didn't sleep with her yet. She always brought it up that I'm not interested in her, etc., which I assured her that wasn't the case, I was trying to go a little slower and getting to know each other. If I wanted to get laid it wasn't a problem, I was just not ready to do that with her, even though most guys would have pounced on her within the first minute. She ended up being a big drug user, underwent a few cosmetic surgeries: was convincing her parents for breast implants, using anti-wrinkle cream (she was 22), had all the freckles removed from her body before, etc., criticizing how ugly so and so is on the street constantly, worried about her figure (she was barely over 100 pounds, but not anorexic skinny looking) and spending about a grand a week which her parents always provided her with and always justifying it as an opportunity. I'll stop here. She did have some good qualities, but too much insecurity. Funny how the most physically beautiful girls are the most insecure. 2) Chased like crazy. The more I resisted, the more she chased. Told me she left college because she began to experience anxiety attacks. In reality, she suffered from bulimia, and partied too much and never went to class. All we almost ever did together was drink. She was an alcoholic. Worked at 2 bars, her father was an alcoholic, her parents were going through a divorce. After about 2 weeks of knowing each other she adamently tried to persuade me how "we should be together." Again, she was an attractive looking girl. Most guys would pounce on her immediately. But, had lots of things going on in her life that need to be taken care off first before she can be with someone else. I'll still bump into her here and there, and all she does is hang on me and flirt with me. One time she even mentioned something about us "rekndling." Rekindling what? We never really had anything. One time I saw her out with a new guy she was dating. She never introduced me to him, just pointed him out, and sat by me and flirted with me the entire night and left him hanging. So much for her new guy of a week. 3) Just in the past 3 weeks I've met this new one. She is attractive looking. We've spoken twice before yesterday, just by being out at the same place. Last weekend my friend called me and she was at the same party with him while visiting friends at college. All she did was talk about me, and how much she wants to be with me. She only spoke with me twice!! And all the stories I hread about her at that party I won't even get into. Then I ran into her yesterday, and she said how she is really interested in me, etc. Well, that's not how you win me over, and no I'm not just going to sleep with you because you are attractive looking. The night was winding down, we we're leaving, she was going home, waiting, waiting for me to ask for her number, and instead I wished her a good night and to drive safe. I got the weirdest look from her. I'll just use those 3. The list can go on. We're they just really into me? Possibly, but, the bottom line is that they were tremendously insecure in there lives and had lots of issues. I try to help them out or change there way of living, then I'll just be seen as controlling. They have to want to change for themselves. Like you mention, the first 2 are a turn-off on your list. But you overlook it with the third point and decide to give them a shot. At the same time, they are physically attractive to you. There is a definite pattern here. Re-examine what it is you look for and what it is you have gone for. That is what I have had to do. It's common with me, but I really started to take a step back from a girl that meets me and wants to be with me off the bat. I might be a terrible guy. Why are they so certain that they want to be with me? And when I resist, they chase even more, and I recoil further. If you really want to learn from it, and yourself, you must take an inventory (yes, as cheesy as it sounds). Good luck.
sarah12 Posted May 6, 2005 Posted May 6, 2005 Ok, did I just write that post or did you? lol. I'm the exact same person as you, same issues, same types of guys, same first boyfriend, same feelings about that first boyfriend. My theory on it is that we are the types of girls who feel the need to be needed in a relationship. We have a hard time finding someone who will be a complement or a balance to us, and instead always find the scale tipped. I did meet one guy who I felt strongly for and who was not insecure but in the end he was too scared of my independence to keep trying with me. He always felt that I'd be one of those girls who could easily leave him because I wasn't obsessed with him like other girls were. Not quite sure what to do about it and have been scared off from dating for quite some time now. Anytime a guy shows some hint of obsession I feel the need to run away and cut them off. Haven't met many other types of guys lately so I guess it's just a waiting game now? Good to know there are others out there like me though.
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