scammy Posted May 6, 2005 Posted May 6, 2005 Well, i have been just lurking around here reading posts since my first post here. I have to say I was not feeling all too bad after reading some post, kinda like you always think your life is bad till you know someone elses. Since my BF is freaking out post it has all been pretty even keeled...... Until tonight... BF called and was feeling a little tipsy and he started to talk. The cat is out of the bag so to say, He has told me that when he graduates in March he will be leaving the state. He said that I can not go with him,I can not leave my kids. He said,"those kids need you. You belong there with them not half way across the world with me , stop being selfish." How can you argue with that, I mean how can I? He told me that it is not easy for him, that he really thinks I am a nice person and that I would be worth it,... to stay here for me, but he has sacrificed his career for past girlfriends. I want him to make something of his life, he is a 36 year old student with a second chance after messing up for years. He is just like me. He said, "I want you to be happy and if this is too hard on you I don't want you to break up with me but I will understand." He went on to say that he does not want me to sit and pine away all summer for him either. He assured me he is not chasing women and that he is working 7 days a week and that is it. He is alway telling me that as soon as he figured out what he wanted to do and got accepted into the university he was so happy. He keeps telling me I need to find what I want to do with my life and I will be happy too. Ok so the possible future is no future.. and I am still just a silly girl. I think after this one I am giving up on love. I keep getting told by these men how nice I am but " I will be better off by myself" or that "I do not have my life together" or that "once I get my engineering degree I will have a great life." You know when I met this guy I knew that it would end. I was told by others it would end, I have know always that it was going to end.. so why Am I such a mess? and why do I have the need to hold on to him? I will wait 110 days for him to come home and then wait for him to leave for good in eight months. I was just floating down the river of denial and he tipped the boat. Am I doomed to a life of loneliness because I can't get a four year degree? or I keep choosing to be with men who I know are not in a relationship for the long run. I knew this guy was not marriage to me material, and still I went there. I guess I have no one to blame but myself I never think before I jump and that is why I always swallow water and choke at the end. I want to hate him and blame him for all of this and make it sound like he is the one who has the problem, but I knew from the beginning where this was going. What would you do? I know Merin still thinks I should dump him but its so hard I love him so much.
Merin Posted May 6, 2005 Posted May 6, 2005 Whoa... *Merin Waves* For real.. I'm so sorry all of this happend, I am. At this point is it really dumping him thats even an option? It seems that it's more a parting of ways.. The 2 of you are going in different directions.. You know it, he knows it but of course it's still hard when you really care for someone... The only person who knows for sure what is going to be okay for you is you.. while I cannot understand him saying all of these things to you and then saying IF you want to dump him he will understand when it seems clear to me he has told you he isn't going to be around for you in the end regardless...
scammy Posted May 7, 2005 Posted May 7, 2005 Thanks Merin now I know why everyone likes you so much . I am hanging in there I guess I have to look at it this way ,...I found this online last night. Codependency is an incredibly insidious, treacherous dis-ease. It is a compulsively reactive condition in which our ego programming from childhood dictates how we live our lives today. As long as we are not in recovery from our codependency, we are powerless to make clear choices in discerning rather someone we are attracted to is a available for a healthy relationship - we are in fact, doomed to keep repeating patterns. Emotionally we are drawn to people who feel familiar on an energetic level. That is, people who, on an emotional vibrational level, resonate with us as being familiar. It feels to us as if we have a strong connection to those people. In other words, we have an inner radar system that causes us to be attracted to people who resonate vibrationally in a way that is familiar on an emotionally intimate level. We are attracted to people whose inner emotional dynamic is similar to our most powerful and earliest experience of emotional intimacy and love - our parents. No matter how much we are making an effort on a conscious level to not pick anyone like our parents, energetically we feel a strong attraction to people whose inner emotional dynamic is similar to our first experience of love. It was very important for me to get aware of the reality that if I met someone who felt like my soul mate, I had better watch out. Those are exactly the people who will fit my patterns - recreate my wounding. It was very important for me to recognize the power of this type of attraction. And also to realize, that on a Spiritual level, these people were teachers who were in my life to help me get in touch with my childhood wounds. It was vital for me to start being aware that if I met someone who felt like my soul mate it did not mean we were going to live happily ever after. What it meant was that I was being given another wonderful, and painful, opportunity for growth. Becoming conscious of these emotional energetic dynamics was a very important part of owning my power. My power to make choices, to accept consequences, to take responsibility for my choices and consequences - and to not buy into the belief that I was being victimized by the other person, or my own defectiveness. Recognizing unavailability in the other person does not mean that I have to let go of the relationship - at least not immediately, it could be something I will decide to do eventually.
Merin Posted May 9, 2005 Posted May 9, 2005 You're Welcome Hope it all works out the way you want it too.
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