batjokes92 Posted July 27, 2015 Posted July 27, 2015 This has happened to me before. I was dating a guy for a few months. I really fell for him and we took our clothes off and made out. After that he didn't want anything to do with me. He was the last guy I dated. Since then it's been a year and a half and I finally met this seemingly great guy. Our first date together was great! We scheduled another date for the next week. We texted each other back and forth in between and he seemed like He was very interested in me. He really wanted to get to know me unlike the first guy who just wanted to get me into his bed.. Our next date was at a summer fest in my home town. He lives an hour away from me. He said that he wanted to be a gentleman and come pick me up at my house. I suggested that we meet eachother half way but he againinsisted on coming to pick me up. I didn't really want him to because there was the chance of me inviting him into my house afterward and things may get physical but against my better judgement I let him. This date was fine. Not as great as the first mind you. He drove me back to the house and I invited him in to give him a quick tour because I'm a young home owner and I was proud. I then gave him a hug goodbye and once I let go he kept hanging on... I was lonely and scared so I started crying. He asked what was wrong and I told him about my ex and invited him to stay to talk. I haven't even held his hand yet and I could tell that he wanted to so I thought it would be nice to let him stay awhile. We ended up holding hands on the couch watching tv. I then kissed him hard and sudenley, things escalated. We made out, he tried to take my clothes off but I didn't let him get that far. I asked if I had scared him and he told me 'no'. I asked if he would leave me and he said 'no'. He left for home when it was really late and I told him to text me when he got home and he did. He added "I had a great time tonight". The next day we were talking but he seemed more aloof than usual. He later admitted that I freaked him out. He said he just got out of a relationship and he doesn't want to loose himself in another person. He said that he still liked me but he wants to take things slow. He suggested that we go out for a 3rd date Friday but I can't help but feel like he's just sticking around because he doesn't want to hurt me. I know I'm a fool. I've never been in a serious relationship and I'm 23. I'm desperate. I don't know how to play the game properly and I show my cards too early and it always backfires. Is all hope lost? He still texts me but it's not as frequent and he doesn't sound interested anymore. I even notice he's online on Facebook and he doesn't respond for hours. Any advice?
TaraMaiden2 Posted July 27, 2015 Posted July 27, 2015 Yes: In a nutshell, your self-worth and personal happiness is not dependent on having a man in your life. You don't NEED sex to keep them. You need to examine your self-esteem, because I don't think you think very much of yourself, if you believe that keeping a guy means having sex with him. Being fulfilled contented and serene is best achieved on your own. Only when you truly hold yourself in the HIGHEST esteem, do guys deserve to date you and have sex with you. You need to work on yourself before even thinking of dating again. 5
katiegrl Posted July 27, 2015 Posted July 27, 2015 Yes: In a nutshell, your self-worth and personal happiness is not dependent on having a man in your life. You don't NEED sex to keep them. You need to examine your self-esteem, because I don't think you think very much of yourself, if you believe that keeping a guy means having sex with him. Being fulfilled contented and serene is best achieved on your own. Only when you truly hold yourself in the HIGHEST esteem, do guys deserve to date you and have sex with you. You need to work on yourself before even thinking of dating again. I did not read where she said they had sex. Made out, clothes off yes....but not sex. Did I miss something? That said, OP you did come off as quite needy. Asking a guy you just started dating "are you going to leave me"? is a huge no-no. Anyhoo to the OP, can you clarify? Did you have sex with him?
Author batjokes92 Posted July 27, 2015 Author Posted July 27, 2015 I did not read where she said they had sex. Made out, clothes off yes....but not sex. Did I miss something? That said, OP you did come off as quite needy. Asking a guy you just started dating "are you going to leave me"? is a huge no-no. Anyhoo to the OP, can you clarify? Did you have sex with him? No I didn't. And we didn't take our clothes off either.
katiegrl Posted July 27, 2015 Posted July 27, 2015 No I didn't. And we didn't take our clothes off either. I know sorry, that was the first guy. I tried to modify my post to reflect that, but it was too late.....
TaraMaiden2 Posted July 27, 2015 Posted July 27, 2015 I did not read where she said they had sex. Made out, clothes off yes....but not sex. It's close enough. Simply because Peter Piper never had a peck of pickled pepper doesn't mean the jar was off-limits. They went that far.... That said, OP you did come off as quite needy. Asking a guy you just started dating "are you going to leave me"? is a huge no-no. Anyhoo to the OP, can you clarify? Did you have sex with him? The penetrative aspect is a moot point. The fact she got as far as she did and he was scared off the next day, would seem to indicate that there's definitely an emotional dysfunction here....
TaraMaiden2 Posted July 27, 2015 Posted July 27, 2015 No I didn't. And we didn't take our clothes off either. Could you therefore define or clarify 'we made out'...?
nouedis Posted July 27, 2015 Posted July 27, 2015 Sex isn't always the answer. Neither is having someone for your own enjoyment. If you truly want someone, you'll show it. If they truly want you, they'll show it and act on it. I just recently (yesterday night) got dumped by a chick I've known since 2011, but didn't date her until last month on the 4th. Anyway, knowing she can't handle my emotional problems, she gave up on me. Called it quits. Now, I'm pondering where it is that I went wrong when all I wanted to do was grow to love her and care about her. All will be fine, though. Don't ever think it won't.
Author batjokes92 Posted July 27, 2015 Author Posted July 27, 2015 Could you therefore define or clarify 'we made out'...? I kissed him first. We kissed for a long time. I started biting his neck but he said he didn't want bite marks on any visible area so he un buttoned his shirt a bit and I gave him hickeys on his chest. He said that he was ticklish on his neck so I licked and sucked his neck and he said it was too intense so he told me to stop. That's about it. Sorry this sounds pretty smutty but you asked for details so yeah.
beyond Posted July 27, 2015 Posted July 27, 2015 Yes: In a nutshell, your self-worth and personal happiness is not dependent on having a man in your life. You don't NEED sex to keep them. You need to examine your self-esteem, because I don't think you think very much of yourself, if you believe that keeping a guy means having sex with him. Being fulfilled contented and serene is best achieved on your own. Only when you truly hold yourself in the HIGHEST esteem, do guys deserve to date you and have sex with you. You need to work on yourself before even thinking of dating again. This answer is spot on. I know they didn't actually have sex but the fact is the op is asking the guy "will you leave me" after they have 'made out' and seems very insecure about herself, what the guy thinks of her and where the relationship is going.
TaraMaiden2 Posted July 27, 2015 Posted July 27, 2015 I kissed him first. We kissed for a long time. I started biting his neck but he said he didn't want bite marks on any visible area so he un buttoned his shirt a bit and I gave him hickeys on his chest. He said that he was ticklish on his neck so I licked and sucked his neck and he said it was too intense so he told me to stop. That's about it. Sorry this sounds pretty smutty but you asked for details so yeah. Actually that doesn't sound smutty at all. I find his reticence a bit anal, if you want.... Fussy guy.... He may even have been a virgin....
RoseVille Posted July 27, 2015 Posted July 27, 2015 You went from crying to/on him about your ex to biting and licking his neck within a matter of minutes (maybe 60, but the idea is the same). That would probably freak me out, too. 3
Author batjokes92 Posted July 27, 2015 Author Posted July 27, 2015 You went from crying to/on him about your ex to biting and licking his neck within a matter of minutes (maybe 60, but the idea is the same). That would probably freak me out, too. Which is why I really didn't want him to come to my house because I knew that the temptaition would be there for me. I know I'm stupid for acting this way. I know I'm insecure. I just want to know how I can make things better.
RoseVille Posted July 27, 2015 Posted July 27, 2015 Which is why I really didn't want him to come to my house because I knew that the temptaition would be there for me. I know I'm stupid for acting this way. I know I'm insecure. I just want to know how I can make things better. Temptation to what? You pulled a 180 with this guy - crying to physically aggressive. It doesn't show a lack of willpower, it shows some instability/manic behavior. I'm not sure how to make it better. Perhaps just give him space. 1
xcupid Posted July 27, 2015 Posted July 27, 2015 If he was *interested* in YOU he'd be romancing you and courting you. Don't contact him. If he does contact you, be warned - he wants sex. That's all. He's told you he doesn't want a relationship. If you have sex with him, he will disappear. In future, you need to let things develop much more slowly. Doesn't matter how proud you are as a new home owner, listen to your common sense/intuition - it was telling you all along what not to do. Inviting a guy into your home and kissing him hard, biting, and licking and so forth just adds fuel to the fire. Things could have gone much further and then you'd be regretting it and feeling you were taken advantage of (both of which would have been true). 1
Author batjokes92 Posted July 27, 2015 Author Posted July 27, 2015 (edited) If he was *interested* in YOU he'd be romancing you and courting you. Don't contact him. If he does contact you, be warned - he wants sex. That's all. He's told you he doesn't want a relationship. If you have sex with him, he will disappear. In future, you need to let things develop much more slowly. Doesn't matter how proud you are as a new home owner, listen to your common sense/intuition - it was telling you all along what not to do. Inviting a guy into your home and kissing him hard, biting, and licking and so forth just adds fuel to the fire. Things could have gone much further and then you'd be regretting it and feeling you were taken advantage of (both of which would have been true). He was and he still is, too an extent. He wished me good luck on an appointment that I had today. I told him I had a blood test coming up and I was scared about it. He remembered, asked me what time it was at and said he was thinking of me... Edited July 27, 2015 by batjokes92 Revision
Perrier Posted July 27, 2015 Posted July 27, 2015 OP do you have any close friends or family nearby? You sound confused and lonely tbh.
Versacehottie Posted July 27, 2015 Posted July 27, 2015 I was lonely and scared so I started crying. He asked what was wrong and I told him about my ex and invited him to stay to talk. The next day we were talking but he seemed more aloof than usual. He later admitted that I freaked him out. He said he just got out of a relationship and he doesn't want to loose himself in another person. He said that he still liked me but he wants to take things slow. He suggested that we go out for a 3rd date Friday but I can't help but feel like he's just sticking around because he doesn't want to hurt me. I know I'm a fool. I've never been in a serious relationship and I'm 23. I'm desperate. I don't know how to play the game properly and I show my cards too early and it always backfires. Well you have certainly pinpointed the problem! (bolded). Why would you do that? Do you realize how "heavy" that is? How much it would freak most people out? How needy/clingy/contrived (since you live there alone all the rest of the time)? If you keep getting the same result from doing the same things, don't do them. As far as saving this one, pull back, let him call the shots for a while. See if you can go by his pace.
Versacehottie Posted July 27, 2015 Posted July 27, 2015 He was and he still is, too an extent. He wished me good luck on an appointment that I had today. I told him I had a blood test coming up and I was scared about it. He remembered, asked me what time it was at and said he was thinking of me... well you are still doing more of the same even though you know the issue. More neediness. More heaviness. Try to show him that your happy side and independent one. It must be there if you own your own house already at 23. You are jumping right to leaning heavy on this guy. It's unattractive. It shows that you focus on the negative. I honestly don't know if you are ready for a relationship (not because of your age but because of your level of self-esteem). 1
Author batjokes92 Posted July 27, 2015 Author Posted July 27, 2015 (edited) well you are still doing more of the same even though you know the issue. More neediness. More heaviness. Try to show him that your happy side and independent one. It must be there if you own your own house already at 23. You are jumping right to leaning heavy on this guy. It's unattractive. It shows that you focus on the negative. I honestly don't know if you are ready for a relationship (not because of your age but because of your level of self-esteem). My life is actually pretty sad. I have "friends" but they rarely want anything to do with me. I only see them once or twice a month. I only live alone because my family doesn't want me around. I'm living in a house on my own because my step mother hates me and my mother can't stand me. I'm living in a house that my step family owns. I am a burden. Yes, I am very lonely. I can't call my dad about my problemd because my step mom won't let him help me with my issues. I'm not sure I'm ready for a relationship either but tbh, I don't think that I'll ever be ready. Edited July 27, 2015 by batjokes92 Revising
Gaeta Posted July 27, 2015 Posted July 27, 2015 I won't be very popular for my post but here is what I see. I see a young woman using pity to attract attention from men. I was lonely and scared so I started crying. I told him about my ex and invited him to stay to talk. I told him about a blood test and told him I was scared ALL these are actions to inspire pity and attention. Then when members here ask for more details we get a resume of how your friends won't spend time with you, your mom won't hear from, your step mom wants you out etc. Sweetie, there is something you need to work on at your very core before you can think of dating. 4
Versacehottie Posted July 27, 2015 Posted July 27, 2015 My life is actually pretty sad. I have "friends" but they rarely want anything to do with me. I only see them once or twice a month. I only live alone because my family doesn't want me around. I'm living in a house on my own because my step mother hates me and my mother can't stand me. I'm living in a house that my step family owns. I am a burden. Yes, I am very lonely. I can't call my dad about my problemd because my step mom won't let him help me with my issues. I'm not sure I'm ready for a relationship either but tbh, I don't think that I'll ever be ready. Oh no. That's awful. Well, you don't want to stuck in the things your mom and stepmom have done to you and let it color your life. You are 23. You should find some hobbies and activities and make some friends. When you focus on the best parts of yourself and have a chance to express them, it transfers to your relationships. So clinging onto this guy or any guy will more likely drive him away or if it doesn't drive the guy away, he will probably not be a quality guy. If you feel like your family treats you as a burden, the last thing you will want to do is visit that on any guy you date because you already know the dynamic it creates (loneliness and some level of abandonment). With a dating relationship, make sure you use the free time you have to improve yourself. Get some books, do some research and then put baby steps in place to create a fuller life. The more social life you truly have I think it will solve some of these issues with friends and guys. You need to get a support system in place for various reasons but also to see yourself as capable of making new friends, building relationships and surviving what life throws at you. Focus on the positive. You will have to fake it until you make it--have you heard that saying? You pretend you are more confident, capable and positive until your reality matches the actions you've been taking. So act like a positive, confident person first and in meantime work on things that will help you get there and give you an opportunity to exercise these traits. Good luck.
KatZee Posted July 27, 2015 Posted July 27, 2015 (edited) Temptation to what? You pulled a 180 with this guy - crying to physically aggressive. It doesn't show a lack of willpower, it shows some instability/manic behavior. I'm not sure how to make it better. Perhaps just give him space. I'm not sure either. Your behavior was actually scary, and I cringed reading this. Even in this thread your contradicting yourself. YOU invited him because you were a proud new home owner and you WANTED him to see the place. Then a few posts later you say that you didn't want him to come to your house? Which is it? I think you really need to focus on yourself, not on another person. Your behavior is indeed manic and very needy. If someone pulled this with me on a second date, I'd be outta there. Gone. For good. No coming back from that. I mean if that's what you display on a SECOND DATE how much worse is it going to get as time goes on??? :eek: I have to agree with Gaeta too. I see a lot of attention seeking, and desperation. You need to stop this. Have you ever tried individual counseling? Edited July 27, 2015 by KatZee 2
katiegrl Posted July 27, 2015 Posted July 27, 2015 (edited) I'm not sure either. Your behavior was actually scary, and I cringed reading this. Even in this thread your contradicting yourself. YOU invited him because you were a proud new home owner and you WANTED him to see the place. Then a few posts later you say that you didn't want him to come to your house? Which is it? I have to agree with Gaeta too. I see a lot of attention seeking, and desperation. You need to stop this. Have you ever tried individual counseling? >> I'm living in a house that my step family owns So you don't even own the house. Yes you do seem quite confused.... Counseling would help. Good luck hon.. Edited July 27, 2015 by katiegrl 1
Author batjokes92 Posted July 27, 2015 Author Posted July 27, 2015 >> I'm living in a house that my step family owns So you don't even own the house. Yes you do seem quite confused.... Counseling would help. Good luck hon.. Maybe you're all right. I've been seeing a councler for 5 months though and things are not getting better. I actually have an appointment with a psychiatrist tommorow.
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