Don't know

[faded19]

So I didn't know exactly where to post this but it feels like a break up so here we go lol

 

I've known a girl for almost a decade. We get along amazing but there was always a bit of an attraction. Last year I got in trouble and wound up in jail (long story). While I was there she heard what happened. We hadn't seen each other in 4 years but kept in touch sporadically. Turns out that where I was jailed was the same town she had started college in. Neither of us knew until she heard the rumor and came to visit. We are both wanderers and usually all over the country so u could imagine my surprise when she came to visit me there. She kept visiting and we always had a great time. Her support helped me a lot.

 

Fast forward 8 months to when I finally cleared my name. She picked me up and took me to her home. I stayed a week just decompressing and we just chilled and talked. At the end I hopped on a plane and headed to the east coast for home to regroup but I picked up a cell and we stayed in touch.

 

Almost a month later she came out east with her school sports team. I went to see the competition and we got to spend time together. It was great to see her again so soon and meet her teammates. Their last night there she wanted to meet my parents so I took her home and we had a burger and a beer and then I put her on the bus and she went home.

 

At this time I was offered a job on the other side of the country and took it and moved. All the time this was going on her and I were in constant contact from a great distance. We were constantly texting, emailing and calling. The distance didn't seem to matter and we were close as we could be despite it. I admitted to her that I had feelings for her. I knew nothing could come of it but I felt I had to say something. She told me it was on her mind too but she thought it was a bad idea because of our friendship. I told her I was fine with this since we were too far apart for anything realistic anyways but it was on my mind and u didn't want to get too friend zoned. We were fine but a week later I got a random email from her telling me it was hard for her not to flirt with me because she knew she could fall in love with me easily and she didn't wanna hurt me. After that we began to flirt more and really ramped things up. This went this way for months. Looking back I think this may be the start of us beginning to date. I feel strange saying that but I think it's true.

 

Fast forward again. 3 more months of daily contact. As soon as I woke up I would have a msg saying good morning. As soon as I got off work I'd turn on my phone and get her texts and it was great lol. We would fall asleep on the phone together, we talked so much. From 4000 kms apart we became closer then ever.

 

During this time she tried to get a job with my company. I put in a good word for her but my boss just wasn't hiring. It was depressing because I wanted to see her so bad. When her summer break came she still didn't have a job but she hopped on a plane anyways and came to visit me. It was only suppose to be a 5 day visit but we heard of another company hiring so she applied, got the job and we rented a condo together. I went back to work and she went home to get her stuff. It was also during this visit that we slept together for the first time.

 

My job requires me to be in camp for 9 days at a time so I'm gone a lot but her and I still stayed close as usual but her new job was summer wildfire fighting so if there's no fire there's no work. She put all her money into the move so when I went away on shift she was basically stuck alone and waiting for the call. It stressed her out that she was broke. When I did come home she was non affectionate and I chalked it up to her situation and let it go but there was friction.

 

Finally she got the call to go to work. She packed up and I took her to the highway to meet her drive. I kissed her goodbye and wished her luck but that was when the weirdness started. Next I heard from her she was hundreds of kms away camping with her crew and sending me pics of them mini golfing and go Karting. She was having a blast and I hate to admit it but I was jealous. All the things we had wanted to do together she was doing with others. I knew I was being stupid so I kind of clamped up a bit. I was feeling resentful and was afraid I would say something stupid and mean if we talked so I kept it to text and kept it short hoping I could come to terms with it. I know how this sounds and I agree it was immature but at the time it seemed best. She tried to call me a few times but I always found an excuse to let her go. I pushed her away and confused the hell out of her. I realized this too late and now she's replaced me with her crew leader. Not sexually but all that we had otherwise emotionally is now gone to him. I met him and he's 20 some years older and I know she's not interested in him romantically but it's obvious he wants to be with her.

 

I've summarized a lot of this. Her and I talked and I told her I can't have a romantic relationship with her and she agrees that it wouldn't work either. She's going back to school on the other coast in less than a month anyways. That's all fine with me but things are uncomfortable between us. We still live together but we both try to be out as much as possible and I definitely get a go away vibe from her.

 

I'm confused about what happened. She was my best friend and now I wonder if it was all about a romantic attraction this whole time and now that it's An answered question is the friendship over? Break ups are one thing and I can handle that but the loss of my best friend breaks my heart

 

I don't know what to do

[faded19]

Cmon folks lol

I could really use an outside opinion on this please

[faded19]

I didn't come home last nite til I knew she was asleep

Slept on the couch

Woke up early and left for camp before she got up

This hurts so bad

[faded19]

Feel free to be critical people lol

I can take it

It's been an emotional Rollercoaster so I've gone NC but I'd still like advice