jazzybones Posted July 27, 2015 Posted July 27, 2015 I posted a discussion several months ago about my relationship with my long-term boyfriend. We've been together for close to 2 years now and I felt, a while back, like he wasn't making enough effort in the relationship in terms of being romantic or really planning things. We managed to get past that and things had been really going well between us. We moved into together last month. But recently something really major changed and I can't decide if I'm being unreasonable or dumb. In the middle of June, I found out I was pregnant. This is the first time I've ever been pregnant. It was unplanned and neither of us had ever really discussed whether we wanted kids. We are both more than financially able to take care of children--we have good, stable jobs. He's generally been of the opinion that he didn't want kids and I'd been somewhat indifferent. We decided to take a couple of weeks to let the shock of it wear off and talk some more about things. After 2 weeks, I found out I was having twins. My doctor was very concerned for me because I'm a tiny lady and have a condition that would make carrying twins pretty difficult if not outright dangerous. Boyfriend said he supported whatever decision I made but he was really scared for me. I ended up miscarrying them a week ago at 9 weeks and had to have them surgically removed via a D&C surgery. And ever since then, I've been in an emotional freefall with my boyfriend. I feel like I'm holding on really tightly to his feelings in the past about parenting... before I was pregnant. Back when it was just a hypothetical and not a reality. He's said he doesn't feel that strongly anymore about not being a parent but he's also honest that he's not 100% excited either, mostly because it's just not a reality at the moment and the reality of it hasn't hit him. Having this miscarriage has made me want to have a child where I previously did not. And I'm concerned because I'm 31 in a couple of months and am at a loss for what direction to go in. I didn't strongly want a child just a month ago. And now that's changed. And I'm 2 years into a relationship with someone who I'm not completely certain wants a child. I keep trying to bring the conversation up and he says he could be open to it if he knows I'm 100% certain and excited about it, but I can't help but overthink and feel this mistrust due to his past opinion. He's angry with me for not trusting him. And I can tell he's feeling a lot of pressure and stress from the fact that I am bring it up over and over again. It's unfair of me to suddenly expect him to change his life goals from one direction entirely into another just because mine have changed, even though he has slightly to some extent. How do I let go of those feelings? Should I even be addressing them now while the grief is still so fresh? Am I overthinking it?
Gaeta Posted July 27, 2015 Posted July 27, 2015 First, I am very sorry for your loss. It's only been 2 weeks so your body is still filled with pregnancy hormones plus you are going through mourning your loss. Right now is not a good time to talk babies to yourself or to your boyfriend. You need to let it rest, concentrate on what's at hand right now and in 6 months see how you feel about parenthood.
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