Back2WhatUKnow Posted July 27, 2015 Posted July 27, 2015 So I am in a very good relationship with a man for 9months now. We have had our ups and downs but really connect! So today he feels the need to tell me he googled my name. Which I get it we all have done it. He found out I was married when I was younger and it was annulled. Which he already knew because I have told him this. He goes on to tell me that he looked up my ex husband on facebook and found him and asked more questions about him. It kind of made me mad he would do that. I mean yes I have googled him and maybe looked up his exes in facebook because he showed me before a way long time ago. I never had the thought of doing it since and he has asked me to show my ex on facebook but I said "no thanks". I have told him the story of my past so why pick at it. Then he goes on and starts making fun of my ex and was more curious about him. That I became real quiet because I was a little angry about it. My past relationship was a horrible one and it was all sorts of abusive and something I rather leave behind...instead it is like opening old wounds. So what is the curiousity of bringing up my ex like that and throwing it in my face so to speak????
kendahke Posted July 27, 2015 Posted July 27, 2015 was he doing it to torment you, or was it just a natural curiosity? Big difference. I take it you've explained to him that it was abusive and that is why you'd just prefer he stick to the present instead of rooting around in your past. What does he expect to find from his search? Is there some point on which he is choosing not to believe you? To me, that would be more upsetting because that action infers that you've been lying to him. I would tell him that your relationship was a very painful and abusive one and he knows all he needs to know about it. It is a torment to you for him to bring it up and laugh about any of it, as it wasn't a laughing matter to you while you were living through it and trying to get out of it. I'd tell him this is the last conversation you intend upon having about that and if he persists, then you will reconsider the wisdom in being in a relationship with him. It's time for him to live in the present, the now, not the past. Nothing can change the past--not laughing about it, not making fun of your ex--nothing. For him to want to take things there says a lot about how he esteems you and your relationship.
Redhead14 Posted July 27, 2015 Posted July 27, 2015 was he doing it to torment you, or was it just a natural curiosity? Big difference. I take it you've explained to him that it was abusive and that is why you'd just prefer he stick to the present instead of rooting around in your past. What does he expect to find from his search? Is there some point on which he is choosing not to believe you? To me, that would be more upsetting because that action infers that you've been lying to him. I would tell him that your relationship was a very painful and abusive one and he knows all he needs to know about it. It is a torment to you for him to bring it up and laugh about any of it, as it wasn't a laughing matter to you while you were living through it and trying to get out of it. I'd tell him this is the last conversation you intend upon having about that and if he persists, then you will reconsider the wisdom in being in a relationship with him. It's time for him to live in the present, the now, not the past. Nothing can change the past--not laughing about it, not making fun of your ex--nothing. For him to want to take things there says a lot about how he esteems you and your relationship. While I do find it to be somewhat disrespectful for him to do this given the fact that you told him you didn't want to share more about it, it does give rise to a couple of questions and are what we see here on these boards often from partners of people who had previously been in abusive relationships. And, that is, are there behaviors that you are displaying that are possibly the affects of that abusive relationship? In other words, is your boyfriend observing behaviors and mannerisms, etc. that are causing him to wonder exactly what was going on in the past to cause you to be "the way" you are with him? We see men/women post here sometimes because their partner is doing or behaving in a way that makes them uncomfortable or causes them to question the relationship they have. Just food for though. Abuse affects people in ways they don't realize sometimes and it carries over into other relationships.
Gaeta Posted July 27, 2015 Posted July 27, 2015 Then he goes on and starts making fun of my ex and was more curious about him. That I became real quiet because I was a little angry about it. My past relationship was a horrible one and it was all sorts of abusive and something I rather leave behind...instead it is like opening old wounds. So what is the curiousity of bringing up my ex like that and throwing it in my face so to speak???? I have nothing against him looking him up. I have a problem with him though making fun of your ex. Your boyfriend is jealous you've been married before and he feels the need to lower your ex in order to elevate himself in his eyes. It's very immature and unworthy of an adult male. I hope you nipped it right away and told him to stop? Tell him: At the time you married that man because you were in love with him. Laughing at him is the same as laughing at you. 1
fitnessfan365 Posted July 27, 2015 Posted July 27, 2015 I'm w-you OP. I say leave the past in the past. I actually make it a point to never Google any woman I date. It feels like an invasion of privacy and her past has no bearing on how we get along now. The only "online research" I do is going on Facebook. A person's page can give you insight into their personality on how they post, and you can also see what you have in common by the things they like.
highseas Posted July 27, 2015 Posted July 27, 2015 his behavior can be interpreted differently. Another interpretation is that he knows you don't like your ex and he pokes fun at him trying to appease you. He is laughing at your ex thinking (wrongly) that that might make you feel better (and maybe for him to feel better). But looks like it may backfire on him. But his intentions could be curiosity and putting down your ex so you would feel better (kind of like: he's a joke; good for you for leaving him!) That said, since you don't like it, you should let him know and he should leave it. 1
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