marcjb Posted May 31, 2014 Posted May 31, 2014 (edited) Inappropriate. She gave that guy a road map to seduce her. I'm sure she has a family or female friends she can talk to. I wish that was the case. She doesn't really have close female friends. She said she "just gets along with guys better", you know they're less "drama" and most women were out to get her. Yea, I'm sure that is the case considering it doesn't take any work to have a friendship where the guy will bend over backwards for the girl. Of course there is no "drama" if the girl is single, but it's nothing but drama if said girl plans on having a relationship with someone. The females that she knew were either girlfriends of some of the guys she knew, or people that could do things for her. She would never really hang out with other women unless they were at social gatherings. Speaking of people that could do things for her, a couple of the times that I brought up how I felt about this guy friend of hers, she told me that she was "using" him. If she was supposedly "using" him, it really makes me question if she was using me too then. Edited May 31, 2014 by marcjb 1
TB Rhine Posted May 31, 2014 Posted May 31, 2014 She said she "just gets along with guys better", you know they're less "drama" and most women were out to get her. Translation: Guys fawn over her, follow her around like lovesick little puppies, are available at her beck and call, etc. Her male friends don't provide any "drama" because the second they do, they get branded with the dreaded "Nice Guy" label, accused of being a creeper or a jerk, and kicked to the curb. In the meantime, she's jealous/hyper-competitive when it comes to other chicks; literally can't stand to have another girl in the room who might take attention away from her. Kill it. Kill it with fire. 2
Friskyone4u Posted May 31, 2014 Posted May 31, 2014 You did right in breaking up with her. If you married her, now you have a wife surrounding herself with men every chance she gets, keeping secrets for you, and feeling entitled to it. Just a matter of time before one of them gets in her pants. This forum is full of situations where these so called friendships turn into nightmares especially when the boundaries are not good to begin with. You saved yourself a lot of pain 2
marcjb Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 Thank you for the replies everyone. I found this great article which I think applies perfectly to this situation and just about any other relationship since I'm sure it's the cause of most problems. I think it should be a sticky post at the top of the dating forum. The Rules of Opposite Gender Friendships | Foundation Restoration
Always Pondering Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 I wish that was the case. She doesn't really have close female friends. She said she "just gets along with guys better", you know they're less "drama" and most women were out to get her. One of my exes sounded exactly like this. As a matter of fact she probably said the very same words. In the end, she told me she wanted to leave me to flirt with other men. Let's just say that discussion did not end well. If she isn't clear to you about things and disrespects your boundaries and limits, then that's a gigantic red flag that you should make yourself aware of. In my book, it's fine if my partner has friends of the opposite sex as that's not an issue at all. It's only when things seem suspicious that I'd draw the line. 1
salparadise Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 Your descriptions are littered with typical Cluster B behaviors; a group of personality disorders with basic commonality, plus each having its own emphasis. The core issues are insecurity, identity issues and core feelings of emptiness or unworthiness. Behaviors are part of the defense mechanisms they employ to help compensate. It's not unusual to see features of multiple cluster B disorders in a person. They are emotional vampires. They suck the life out of the people they attach to. Otto Kernberg views the cluster B range as being related to the severity of neurosis/psychosis and degree of introversion/extroversion.
mutant Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 (edited) First, I am sorry for the demise of your relationship because you seem to be a good man. Here is what I think. 1. IME your relationship was bound to fail from the very start because you were spineless and could not set clear personal boundaries. Like agreeing to drop all female vocalist that you were working with (unprofessional?) in your part time job, moving boundaries, and ignoring a couple of other red-flags throughout the relationship. IMHO any woman would find this unattractive and would gradually "fall out of love". 2. You have only presented the negative side of this relationship but i guess there are good reasons why you decided to hang on and even consider marriage. In short, I think she was a good woman bar the red-flags. I also think she has the potential to be a good wife to someone who knows how to stand for himself and what he believes in. 3. I don't think you should consider getting back together let alone marrying her. consider it over and start working on yourself. It takes two to break-up and it's time you own up to your 50% contribution. Learn to set your boundaries and stand for what you believe in. 4. Lastly, I think it's ok to keep friends of the opposite sex as long that there is no emotional/sexual relationship. IME most men will revolve around a girl in hope of getting intimate at some point. As a boyfriend you have to make your opinion known if their is reason to believe such friendship is not genuine. Mutant Edited June 5, 2014 by mutant 1
littleplanet Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 Not much to add here..... lots of wonderful replies. A good friendship is one that does not threaten the principal relationship - but enhances it. Many do not know how to do this (for divers' reasons.) Many more recognize this fact and steer clear. While others.......mess it up in the way described here. It's perfectly understandable for someone to have a change of heart, become confused......or know in their own hearts what is wrong. Which is why the moral obligation to be straight - is so important. Otherwise it's chaos. Responsible people set boundaries. For good reason. (the payoff is worth it!) And I do agree with some others here. You probably escaped something far worse - had you married her. Good luck with future endeavors! 1
marcjb Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 (edited) Lastly, I think it's ok to keep friends of the opposite sex as long that there is no emotional/sexual relationship. IME most men will revolve around a girl in hope of getting intimate at some point. As a boyfriend you have to make your opinion known if their is reason to believe such friendship is not genuine. Well, yes. She did have other friends that I was ok with, but they were treated more as acquaintances. They were also respectful to the relationship. As mentioned, I did let her know what my boundaries were, which I think were pretty reasonable. Basically that I didn't think it was right to keep anyone in the picture that we were intimate with before. I gave her the benefit of the doubt with this new guy that she met in school, and like I had mentioned in the first post, didn't really have a problem with things until she told me that she "didn't feel the same way about me". I mean, what else is one really supposed to think? It doesn't take a rocket scientist to put the two together. After we had talked multiple times, then she admitted doing things like studying and going to get lunch or coffee with the guy at school, and walking with him to the train after work. That's when I was trying to explain it was beyond what I found acceptable with my boundaries and she was not willing to compromise. A compromise would have been that she would just stop doing things one on one such as walking with him to the train. If they ran into each other in the building, I could see still saying "hi", or "how's it going", but no deep conversation. Edited June 6, 2014 by marcjb
shvrk Posted June 2, 2015 Posted June 2, 2015 While in the relationship, of course. How would you feel if your girlfriend or boyfriend made a new friend, while out or something, and this person is of the opposite sex. Would you be okay with it? Or would you express your discomfort if there was any?
ColdandLonelyinAK Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 I was uncomfortable with that with my ex, but only because he would tell them inappropriate things, like about problems in our relationship. That was a big no no for me. Plus my ex was a shady jerk. 1
shvrk Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 I once dated a guy that said that he's "****ed every girl he was friends with" and "no man is interested in being just friends with a girl" 1
Clarence_Boddicker Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 If the friendship was platonic & boundaries were set up, I wouldn't have a problem with that. 1
MissBee Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 I once dated a guy that said that he's "****ed every girl he was friends with" and "no man is interested in being just friends with a girl" Only juvenile men think like this. However, emotionally mature men are fully capable of platonic friendships. To the original question : if they met someone and told me about them I wouldn't care. So long as I get to meet them too, they have boundaries and it's transparent then it doesn't bother me. 4
todreaminblue Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 fi i felt discomfort there would be a reason for it......and i would express why i felt discomfort....privately.......i wouldnt have problems with other sex friendships.....if it was open and honest....i dont think spending time alone at night on dinner dates and stuff is however a friendship...its more like a date or dates and if i wasnt invited or acknowledged........deb
Michelle ma Belle Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 Only juvenile men think like this. However, emotionally mature men are fully capable of platonic friendships. To the original question : if they met someone and told me about them I wouldn't care. So long as I get to meet them too, they have boundaries and it's transparent then it doesn't bother me. I'm going to have to agree with MissBee yet again. If I were to talk about my ex husband and my current boyfriend, I can honestly say that I never had nor do I currently have any issue with it. Despite having their own set of flaws and quirks neither one of them are the kind of men that would be behave in a way that would be cause for concern. As for the other men in my life that filled the space between each of them, I'd be lying if I didn't admit to being a tad leery of such friendships. I think it just depends on the man. 1
Gloria25 Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 Depends...is she boinkable? As long as he's not doing stuff with her that he should be doing with me and they aren't spending one-on-one time, I'm cool. This doesn't come from jealousy, but if your SO is doing activities with someone of the opposite sex instead of you, then something's wrong. The more a couple shares increases the "glue" of the RL. That's why when dating, you are checking him/her out to see if your SO has things in "common" with you. And quite frankly, even 'if' there's not an attraction, when men and women are alone, the devil is a 3rd party. We are animals at the end of the day and you spend time long enough and bonding starts happening...then someone "slips" and falls on a guy's penis. My fav podcaster had an odd call recently. A woman's husband kissed her daughter - and come to find out the daughter was literally a "mess" and the husband spent a lot of time trying to "caretake" wifey and daughter. He didn't mean it to happen, but it did. A rush of emotions. So, again, a man and woman should not be left alone...things happen. But you gotta be careful you know, sometimes they'll put the "platonic" impression on you in hopes that you don't question them, like if when she's leaving your house when you just came home they'll be like "Oh, Jane just came by to drop off her dog for us to watch" when she's wiping his cumm off of her lips from blowing him on your couch. 2
MissBee Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 Men and women do not think alike. I have had some kind of sex with 90% of my female friends. For many men, there really is no reason to have female friends. I don't even know any women who share the same hobbies I have. For friends, I generally pick people with similar interests, which almost always ends up being other men. Women seem to like having male friends. Men, we like having female friends too...if those females wanna have sex. Otherwise, I've already got friends. I stand by what I said. Men and women don't need to think alike for me to know that all men also don't think alike. I differentiated the kind of men who have that kind of thinking from the ones who don't. You may want to have sex with your female friends, but don't put that on all men. 1
Methodical Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 Doesn't bother me. I trust him. We communicate well and he'd tell me if there was an attraction. We walked the beach recently and discussed women we found attractive. Our tastes are very similar 3
MissBee Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 Of course not all men want to have sex with female friends. Some women are ugly, others aren't worth the trouble, and some men are gay. Aside from those obvious exceptions, most men are trying to have sex with their female friends. Mmmkay...my original point still stands and is only strengthened by this reasoning. Certain kinds of men think like this, not too interested in them, so it all works out well. Ultimately, to the OP: you have to know the kind of man you're with and his beliefs, values and thought processes. Also: there is a big difference between actively trying to have sex with someone and there being some kind of possible latent attraction. It's possible that a straight man might have a female friend that he thinks is cute but he is not actively trying to get into her pants. The idea that every man is just walking around indiscriminately looking for sex and cannot be friends with a woman is ridiculous frankly. You just have to know the mindset and mentality of the person you're with. 1
deadelvis Posted June 4, 2015 Posted June 4, 2015 It's all about context and intention. That being said, most men have pretty obvious intentions.
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