Pyro Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 Opposite sex friends for whom you don't or never had feelings for is possible but it is definitely in the minority, simple as that.
Star Gazer Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 I do not have any true male friends (in the sense that we hang out alone) that aren't in serious LTRs or married. I've come to believe that if hooking up is remotely possible, you really can't be true friends. There's always an underlying, hidden motive in all your interactions.
tbf Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 I've had male and female friends all my life. As long as you share common interests, there's no reason why not. 3
Author sdraw108 Posted July 30, 2013 Author Posted July 30, 2013 Its not a myth .... That argument did not help you... It's a myth because the premise is "opposite gender friendships are impossible", and you've acknowledged that they are indeed possible. Even if we accept your 90% statistic (which we both know is plucked from the air), that still leaves 1 in 10 men who are able to have platonic friendships. So once again, whether or not you feel ok with your SO having opposite gender friendships comes down to trust ("do I trust that my SO is one of the 10% who won't consider cheating on me?"), and not just a blanket rule ("I don't trust my SO to have platonic friendships because ALL men just want to screw anything that moves"). Which is really what my thread is all about. If you (you meaning anyone who believes the myth) can acknowledge that some men can have platonic friendships, then you've also acknowledged that all that matters when it comes to this, is trust.
Author sdraw108 Posted August 1, 2013 Author Posted August 1, 2013 Did you trust the decent guy with female friends?
CC12 Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 I'm particularly interested to know why people think like this, without the added constraint that neither side like each other romantically. I'm talking about people who believe that opposite-sex friendships aren't possible, period. When I see people express this belief, I assume it's because they themselves would never view a member of the opposite gender as anything other than a thing to screw. Maybe that's an uncharitable way to look at it, but I think the belief that men and women can never be platonic friends is insulting to both sexes. It implies that women have nothing to offer other than sex or a relationship, and that men can only think with their penis and that they are unable to simply appreciate the value in another human being who has a personality that meshes with their own. It's a ****ty generalization to make. 2
Simon Phoenix Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 This is a complex issue. Do I have platonic female friends who I never tried to date? Yes, I'd say I've picked up a handful throughout the years. Most of them are at least somewhat attractive and if I had a gun to my head, I would sleep with them. But barring those circumstances, I wouldn't think of stepping to them sexually. However, I very rarely hung out with those friends one-on-one. I'd text them and talk to them on the phone, but usually we'd go out in a group. I can't think of a single woman I've hung out with one-on-one more than five times who I didn't either date or try to date. I'm able to have female friends, but I don't have any females who I would consider close friends who were single at the time I met them. Now the women I am able to have a complete platonic friendship with absolutely no thoughts of sex are the girlfriends/wives of my friends. Once a woman starts dating a friend of mine, I see her in the same way I see my sisters. There is absolutely no attraction by me toward them no matter what they look like. I could go out one-on-one for coffee, a drink, have a conversation about any sort of emotions and be fine with it because they are basically relatives to me. But other than that, I really don't seek out females as friends. 95 percent of the time I'm looking to date.
T3h L337 d00d Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 No one says they are impossible. For me it's impossible. Also I wouldn't date a girl who doesn't have major boundaries when it comes to mail and male friends haha.
Author sdraw108 Posted August 1, 2013 Author Posted August 1, 2013 When I see people express this belief, I assume it's because they themselves would never view a member of the opposite gender as anything other than a thing to screw. Yes, interesting. I've had this same thought myself, and my last girlfriend expressed the same viewpoint. In fact she extended it to say people who suffer from (unwarranted) jealously issues a lot in general, do so because they're imagining what they know they'd be doing in the same situation. They find it hard to imagine the other person not cheating, because they assume everyone else is like them.
hotpotato Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 Mostly no. A man and a woman can be friends if she is significantly older or if he is gay. I know of guys and girls who are friends but the woman will be like 50 and the man in his 20s. This doesn't work the other way. Plenty of men in their 50s,60s, and even 70s (ive had men old enough to be my gramps hit on me) still think they are hot n sexy and have a shot with much younger women. Even if the guy is married, it doesn't matter. IMO women think men want to be friends because they are missing cues. Some guys dont come on so strong so women *think* they only want to be friends. I'm guilty of this. If a straight man didn't want sex, he could just hang out with his guy friends. If you are a woman of childbearing age and want a guy friend you need to find yourself a Pete Burns or Boy George. If men were fine with being just friends they wouldn't make a big stink about being in the friendzone. When a guy says he wants to be friends he means he wants to date or be friends with bennies. Just friends? Me thinks not. for your entertainment:
hotpotato Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 When I see people express this belief, I assume it's because they themselves would never view a member of the opposite gender as anything other than a thing to screw. Maybe that's an uncharitable way to look at it, but I think the belief that men and women can never be platonic friends is insulting to both sexes. It implies that women have nothing to offer other than sex or a relationship, and that men can only think with their penis and that they are unable to simply appreciate the value in another human being who has a personality that meshes with their own. It's a ****ty generalization to make. Nope, its just being realistic.
therhythm Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 I opened a thread on this exact topic not that long ago... My point of view on this is exactly the same than then. 'I keep reading here in LS how many men and women would not accept their partner to have friends from the opposite sex... do you really expect that the person you are dating should just drop all his/her friends because of your insecurities? Isn't it selfish to ask someone to give up a friendship that has been there years before you even showed up just because you are too insecure to trust the person you are with in a relationship? Please explain this to me, I am still in shock!" 2
thefooloftheyear Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 I do not have any true male friends (in the sense that we hang out alone) that aren't in serious LTRs or married. I've come to believe that if hooking up is remotely possible, you really can't be true friends. There's always an underlying, hidden motive in all your interactions. Its always been my theory as well.... Anyway, any time I ever had any female "friends" all they did was ask me for shyt and help them fix stuff or move stuff...I never got any way to get anything back out of the deal(not talking about sex here-btw)... sorry, a 15 minute chat isnt worth 100 bucks worth of diesel fuel and a potential bad back...No thanks... TFY
Els Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 Well, I think that, like anything else, some people can and some people can't. Add to the mix that each person's idea of what constitutes 'friends' (as opposed to acquaintances, etc) is different, and this topic just ends up spinning in circles. I don't understand either how people end up making leaps from their own personal choices (and perhaps that of their immediate social circle), to assuming that everyone else must operate the same way. That never ceases to boggle the mind. 7
BeholdtheMan Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 Sure, straight male/straight female platonic friendships are possible if the two people get along but are not attracted to each other...otherwise it would be hard
Author sdraw108 Posted August 1, 2013 Author Posted August 1, 2013 Nope, its just being realistic. Nope, it's being cynical. I know for 100% fact that what you said is false, because I am in my 30s and have several female friends within a few years of me, and there isn't even the slightest desire on my end that we'll ever be more than friends, regardless of whether I or they are single or taken. Like the other poster did earlier in this thread, you're taking the generalisation too far by having it include all men. That poster then backtracked and changed it to 90% of men, because the position is not defensible. 2
Author sdraw108 Posted August 1, 2013 Author Posted August 1, 2013 I don't understand either how people end up making leaps from their own personal choices (and perhaps that of their immediate social circle), to assuming that everyone else must operate the same way. That never ceases to boggle the mind. Exactly. I can understand someone accepting that they themselves are incapable of platonic friendships, or that the men they've come across are, but to extrapolate your personal experiences to include all men is simply naive. 2
Eggplant Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 With the opposite gender, I don't have emotionally intimate friendships but rather alliances. If they are married or in a relationship, I consider the two as a unit and usually try to make more eye contact with the wife. I take no chances. 1
KungFuJoe Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 My best female friend of about 15 years is a very attractive girl who admittedly liked me back when we were first friends and whom I felt attraction as well. Nothing ever happened between us because I was in a bad place at the time and didn't want to ruin our friendship. I still see her and hang out with her almost weekly. In fact, her, myself and my wife are going to Puerto Vallarta, just the three of us, in oct. I have had many other female friends, all of whom happened to be attractive and where I suspected some type of attraction to me. And it was never a problem. I would go so far as to say that my ability to have friendships with women, regardless of attraction, is why I have such a healthy outlook on women and relationships. I don't see them as "the other team". I see everyone as just...people. 5
hotpotato Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 Nope, it's being cynical. I know for 100% fact that what you said is false, because I am in my 30s and have several female friends within a few years of me, and there isn't even the slightest desire on my end that we'll ever be more than friends, regardless of whether I or they are single or taken. Like the other poster did earlier in this thread, you're taking the generalisation too far by having it include all men. That poster then backtracked and changed it to 90% of men, because the position is not defensible. I didnt say it included all men. I gave exceptions, please read my post. You might be one guy, but with most guys there is no being just friends because of sexual attraction. If youre a remotely attractive young female, you are going to have a hard time finding a man who only wants to befriend you.
KungFuJoe Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 I didnt say it included all men. I gave exceptions, please read my post. You might be one guy, but with most guys there is no being just friends because of sexual attraction. If youre a remotely attractive young female, you are going to have a hard time finding a man who only wants to befriend you. Truth be told, I think it's somewhat "pathetic" that just because there is attraction you can't be friends. I had a pretty big crush on a real close female friend when I was a senior in high school. We hung out all the time and she was one of the coolest girls I have ever met. She was pretty flirty too, but in a natural way, if you know what I mean. She had a bf though at the time. But I had absolutely no problem just being friends, enjoyed her company, and over 20 years later, we are STILL friends. 3
Simon Phoenix Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 Truth be told, I think it's somewhat "pathetic" that just because there is attraction you can't be friends. I had a pretty big crush on a real close female friend when I was a senior in high school. We hung out all the time and she was one of the coolest girls I have ever met. She was pretty flirty too, but in a natural way, if you know what I mean. She had a bf though at the time. But I had absolutely no problem just being friends, enjoyed her company, and over 20 years later, we are STILL friends. I don't think it's pathetic, it is what it is. You could handle it, others can't. Doesn't make any one approach better than the other.
KungFuJoe Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 Yeah...I put pathetic in quotes because I knew it wasn't the right word to use. I guess I'm just saying it doesn't make sense to me...at all. I mean, just because you really like someone you can't enjoy their company? For me, it makes sense that my friends would have qualities I'm attracted to. The difference between a friend and a "partner" is that special "something". 3
KungFuJoe Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 I don't think it's pathetic, it is what it is. You could handle it, others can't. Doesn't make any one approach better than the other. I want to highlight this word because I think this is a problem that most people face. They look at interacting with the opposite sex as SOLELY for the purpose of meeting a potential partner...whether it's for something serious or casual. When I meet new people, I don't have an approach. I don't do things based on how much I think it will help me in attracting someone. I simply act like I want to act, be myself, and whatever happens, happens. 6
Simon Phoenix Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 (edited) Yeah...I put pathetic in quotes because I knew it wasn't the right word to use. I guess I'm just saying it doesn't make sense to me...at all. I mean, just because you really like someone you can't enjoy their company? For me, it makes sense that my friends would have qualities I'm attracted to. The difference between a friend and a "partner" is that special "something". Some can, some can't. The world would be boring if we all had the same perspective. I don't think either way is right or wrong. I have some female friends, I don't have any female best friends. My best female friend is probably the wife of one of my good friends because I treat gfs/wives of friends as if they are sisters. And the two sisters I do have I'm close to and I get the female perspective from them. If I didn't have sisters I'd probably be more eager to have female friends. Attraction complicates things. Some people can look past it, some people can deal with it, some can't. I can understand all of those perspectives. Edited August 1, 2013 by Simon Phoenix
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