mimiMobile Posted July 27, 2015 Posted July 27, 2015 I noticed I have a sick obsession of always getting to the bottom of things. Like, I can't not know what's going on in a relationship. For example, if I see a phone left out, I go through the texts and read them. If I see a FB left open, I check messages to see anything suspicious. At first, it literally started off as a curiosity. But then, once I caught my first boyfriend cheating, it went down hill from there. Now, every time I date someone I have this itch to check and be reassured that they are faithful. Unfortunately, so far 100% of the time, they've messaged some girl or a friend about their ex or something rather that is really unsettling. How am I supposed to stop checking knowing these sporadic checks have given me insight into their character? Do people just trust blindly? Is that what I am supposed to do? Sometimes I think relationships last long for some because they choose not to read these texts or emails, hoping 1. those feelings for other people aren't there or 2. if they are, they will somehow not act on them. I know ignorance is bliss - is that what I am supposed to do? I want to stop with my spying. I want to be able to 100% trust someone. But with what I have observed in the past, I feel like I can only 100% trust someone if they prove and give me reasons to trust them. My accounts and phones are ALWAYS open for my SO. I don't care if they check my messages because I never have anything to hide and I always thought that was the best policy. Thoughts?
NVO Posted July 27, 2015 Posted July 27, 2015 I know how you feel. I have had a same experience with an ex of mine. She was cheating, and if it was not for me searching and contacting the guy who she was with I would probably not find out for a long time. Sometimes, if it is your gut feeling you can't change anything about it and you want to find out. But, in my next relationship I made it clear from the start that I was cheated on. So I told her that if I had any trust issues, it is because it has happened before. I think if someone really loves you, they will understand. And from this point I never had any trust issues with her. Sure, she still could be cheating on me, but it did not worry me so much. Also I would not mind if my gf asked me to show her my phone. If I've got nothing to hide and it will make her feel better, go ahead. I think some jealousy is normal, don't let it get obsessive though. It's ok to sometimes ask if something is going on, but if my gf did this every week I would be afraid if she really trusts me. I would be more pissed off if I found out she was logging in on my Facebook behind my back.
kendahke Posted July 27, 2015 Posted July 27, 2015 I noticed I have a sick obsession of always getting to the bottom of things. Like, I can't not know what's going on in a relationship. For example, if I see a phone left out, I go through the texts and read them. If I see a FB left open, I check messages to see anything suspicious. At first, it literally started off as a curiosity. But then, once I caught my first boyfriend cheating, it went down hill from there. Now, every time I date someone I have this itch to check and be reassured that they are faithful. Unfortunately, so far 100% of the time, they've messaged some girl or a friend about their ex or something rather that is really unsettling. How am I supposed to stop checking knowing these sporadic checks have given me insight into their character? Do people just trust blindly? Is that what I am supposed to do? Sometimes I think relationships last long for some because they choose not to read these texts or emails, hoping 1. those feelings for other people aren't there or 2. if they are, they will somehow not act on them. I know ignorance is bliss - is that what I am supposed to do? I want to stop with my spying. I want to be able to 100% trust someone. But with what I have observed in the past, I feel like I can only 100% trust someone if they prove and give me reasons to trust them. My accounts and phones are ALWAYS open for my SO. I don't care if they check my messages because I never have anything to hide and I always thought that was the best policy. Thoughts? My thoughts: You don't trust your own judgement. That's why you mainline the distrust. Until you learn to trust your judgement, you're going to keep doing this and potentially ruining all of your relationships. Cheaters leave clues that they are cheating. More times than not, they get over looked because of the need to be in a relationship with that person is greater than looking at the inconsistencies and walking away when they don't add up. That doesn't require snooping--that requires trusting yourself to do what is in your own best interests. If you have the feeling to snoop, then you have all the proof in that on which to base walking away. Period. This isn't about letting others have access to your phone, either. That's the other side of not trusting your own judgement. You believe that everyone thinks like you do and that's not the case. It's primarily a phenomenon in younger people who seem to need relationships with people who are not compatible with them. It's like they want who they want and they will force that fit no matter what, even when it's clear that they are not a good match for them. They are more afraid of being on their own, out of a relationship for an indeterminable amount of time than they are of being with the wrong person who they feel needs constant checking up on. Plenty of people are not doing anything wrong and still have a problem with a person who stoops to deceit by going through their phone or facebook or emails without their permission. It's none of your business. If someone has never given you a reason to distrust them and you do this mess, then you are the one who needs to be in therapy to get over whatever it is that you seem to believe about people and relationships. The onus isn't on them to save you from your demons--that heavy lifting is on you.
Michelle ma Belle Posted July 27, 2015 Posted July 27, 2015 Honestly? I think you're becoming the creator of your own chaos anymore. I'm sorry for the pain you've experienced at the hands of cheating men BUT it's very dangerous (not to mention completely erroneous) to think that all men behave this way. Your comment about why relationships last as long as they do was incredibly insulting by the way. You're jaded right these days. And I know it's hard for you to see objectively or feel like there is hope for you yet I can't help but feel like your actions which are spurred on by your own insecurities are what's perpetuating much of the drama in your life and in your relationships. You're expecting your boyfriends to make bad judgements which in your mind justifies your relentless snooping and spying and questioning until you DO find something, ANYTHING to validate your worries. That is does NOT make for a healthy relationship no matter how you slice it. My advice? STOP dating for a while and get some professional help! You can't expect to have a healthy loving and mutually respectful relationship carrying on this way. It starts with YOU. Good luck.
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