LonelyGAL86 Posted July 27, 2015 Posted July 27, 2015 Hello everyone, I came across this site via a search about breaking up and coping and still going through a rough time and any advice/feedback would be greatly appreciated. I met "E" in the summer of 2007 at a friend's birthday party. After a few weeks of talking both online and on the phone, we hung out and instantly clicked. Within two weeks, we were officially a couple (I was about to turn 27 and he was 36 at the time) and seemed head over heels in love with one another. We both mentioned then that we have never felt that way about anyone else and were like two peas in a pod - hanging out every weekend and just having a good time no matter what we were doing. Back then, he used to be a blogger and shared with his friends all about how much he was in love, had never felt that way in his past relationships, I was in his words "The greatest girl on the planet" and all these lovey dovey posts which I thought was so cute! On my 27th birthday (first one we shared together) he made me a beautiful painting of a blue rose with glitter (I have a tattoo of a blue rose and I LOVE GLITTER) and wrote two very sweet poems that he framed and that meant the world to me, that he took the time and it was a gift from the heart. No guy from my past has ever done something like that and I knew and felt in my heart how much E truly cared for me. After a year of dating (I had some minor health problems and lost my job and knew I couldn't afford to renew my apartment lease on my own and considered moving back home) and E had agreed, if I paid my share of 50/50 - he would move in with me if we found a place closer to his job. In OCT of 2008 - we moved into a two bedroom, two bathroom apartment in a nice, quiet community and decided on the two bedrooms and two bathrooms - since we both had our own bedroom furniture and with his work schedule of MON - FRI and woke up around 4 AM, it was best we had our own rooms and it worked out perfectly. Everything was going great between us - we would cook together (he called me his little sous chef), he would pre-wash the dirty dishes by hand and load the dishwasher and then I would unload the dishes. It was the little things that always worked for us. Fast forward to OCT 2010 - he proposed to me on my birthday and talked about possibly getting married on NOV 11, 2011 since he knew that I always loved the number 11:11. Prior to dating, we both had no interest in having kids or were ever into weddings. We said if that day were to ever come along, we would be just fine getting married in a courthouse. When NOV 2011 came around, I had flu like symptoms and was in the hospital with a liver infection. I was currently still out of work and had no health insurance and the stress of medical bills was always on my mind. I would be billed in full but the amounts usually was reduced to zero after speaking with financial counselors and working through county and state programs since I had no income at the time. We wound up not getting married but E said he would do anything for me, would love to see me happy again and was always by my side. We both felt there was no rush to get married, since a piece of paper (legal certificate) wouldn't have changed the way we felt! Fast fwd to JAN 2013 - Still out of work (E was paying for the rent and bills while I did online promotional things to help support the household) I continued to have health problems. I was having severe stomach pains, bloating, numbness and back pain - I knew something was very wrong. After seeing several doctors, I told a new OBGYN that I was seeing that I believed something was growing on my ovary, I couldn't stand the pains anymore. They did an ultrasound and a 9.8 cm tumor and cyst was found. That day when the doctor called me with the news, I was alone in the apartment while E was at work and I couldn't stop crying, I was so scared! I called him and he was in shock and kept telling me to calm down, we'll see an oncologist together to plan for surgery, etc… Both my parents live out of state and I was trying to contact them, and that same day received an email from my mom that she was recovering from a stroke. I felt like I was in a bad dream, was all of this really happening all at once? I called E again and told him about my mom - he rushed home from work to comfort me. That's the guy I ALWAYS KNEW!!! That cared so much and was always there! In May 2013, I had an Oophorectomy (tumor and ovary was removed) and thankfully it was benign and the recovery process wasn't so bad, just it was hard to do the little things - such as putting on socks, taking a shower, etc… E was a very good caregiver. After a few weeks, I was feeling GREAT and was not in any pain - the old, happy me was back ! E also noticed that and saw a huge improvement in my attitude and things were going good again with everything. Fast fwd to June 2014… MINI BREAKUP I had a gum graft/oral surgery via a periodontist that I have seen and had surgery with before and was scheduled to have one tooth/area grafted… And woke up to a nightmare - covered in blood, and felt stitches across my mouth and the periodontist wasn't present in the room when I awoke from the sedation. I asked the assistant what the heck happened and she didn't disclose much info to me other than saying "It was a different type of procedure." And that all will be okay in several weeks when it's healed. The next morning, I was in so much pain, I couldn't stop crying and called the office and asked if I could speak to the periodontist since I wanted to hear his explanation on why I had so many stitches in my mouth - nothing was making sense. They told me I had to wait until my follow-up appointment to "talk to him" and then I got annoyed and cried to E saying something isn't right with this BS. He kept saying to just chill (have more patience) and then out of no where screamed at me and said to stop the damn crying, he was DONE!!! I said "Seriously…..? You are breaking up with me cause I am upset?" He gave me the look of death and said HE WAS SO FED UP AND TIRED OF ALL THIS BS - He can't take it any longer! My dad was in town that day and he came over to speak with E, and he said he was so drained mentally and physically, he just can't take it anymore. My dad asked was this all about the gum graft and crying and he said no, it was everything in all the years - was taking a toll on him. My dad kept reminding him that although I am very difficult and have a lot of issues and yes, can be a pain in the a$$ - he said "Really think about this…." And mentioned that we were together for almost 7 years already, do you really want to throw this away with everything we have been though? He told my dad that I always jumped to conclusion and everything was "Me against the world" and I never give anything time and that annoyed him. I wound up making an appointment to see our dentist for his professional opinion, while E was at work. That was going on 3 days - no talking with one another but there was no fighting. Just complete silence at home and ignoring each other. As he was walking into the apartment, he over heard my conversation with my step mom that the dentist said what that periodontist did was ILLEGAL AND unnecessary and OHHHH, how ironic…. Then E tapped me on my shoulder and said that we need to talk when I get off the phone. After HE HEARD that I wasn't over reacting, he apologized and said he was truly sorry and got on his knees and begged for forgiveness and said he really thought about a lot of things and he would NEVER underestimate me when it came to my health. He also said although there was a lot of bad times (health wise) there were a lot of good and he wanted to continue the relationship, get stronger and said "WE WILL MAKE THIS WORK!" He also brought up his past and said when he thought about things at work and looked at our pictures that were on his desk, nobody has ever treated him or loved him the way I did and he knew and said he didn't want to lose that! I forgave him and said it killed me inside that he watched me cry for days and didn't say a word. He kept saying he was so sorry, just thought I was over-reacting and he didn't know how to handle the situation at hand. Two months later, our apartment lease/paper was sent to us and we had to decide if we were going to renew for another year. Still not employed but continued to do promotional things online to support us/household, he didn't hesitate and said lets renew our lease and we both had to sign on the line. I kept asking "Are you sure?" I remember saying "I am scared after our mini break-up!" And he said "I LOVE YOU, I WANT YOU HERE WITH ME…..We will continue to grow together!" We signed the lease and all was going well until early fall. We celebrated our 7th anniversary (of just being together) and he bought me roses like he always did and all was well or so I thought…… Then in Oct - my birthday came around and he bought me two - dozen roses/sep. days, which was very sweet and gave me 3 very awesome and thoughtful cards and gifts and was his usual, sweet and cute self, everything was still going well! RED FLAGS... In the late summer/early fall he bought himself a new laptop computer and I noticed he was online a lot more. In the past, he had an old school computer that took awhile just to load/turn on - he was rarely online. His 10 minute log ins on FB - became 30 mins to an hour. At that time, I figured not to worry, he's enjoying his new "toy" as he put it…. let him have fun. In NOV 2014 is when things got ugly! Around Thanksgiving weekend - there was a huge winter storm and he had talked about going out to a metal show for weeks on end. In the past, I never had an issue when he would go out, nor did I ever get mad or complain or text him, never was that type of girl to annoy him. I enjoyed when he was happy and out with his friends. That specific day of this holiday metal show and the weather being horrible, I asked him was he sure if this show would go on and he said "Yeah…….." And I just said being a freakin blizzard outside, everything was shutting down and he was always that person who hated driving in bad weather if he didn't have too. I checked on FB (thinking I was being a nice, concerned girlfriend) of this place he was about to go to, and while he was zipping up his coat and got his boots on, I said that the show was cancelled, I'm sorry. I walked over with my iPad and showed him their post…. He kicked the door, then kicked off his boots - threw his coat on the floor and screamed at the top of his lungs "I NEVER GET TO HAVE ANY F**KIN FUN ANYMORE!" And his eyes glared with rage and in my head, I am thinking HE IS 43 YEARS OLD AND THROWING A TEMPER TANTRUM! I said "Wow………… SORRY, I FREAKIN CARE!" And told him if he really wants to go out, then by all means have a rocking good time and meet with friends in the parking lot to a show that has been cancelled. He ignored me and apparently because of the BLIZZARD - it seemed to be MY FAULT. I said to him that night "What is WRONG???? Who gets SO ANGRY given these circumstances?" And I explained if I had plans for weeks on end to meet with my "friends" to a concert and if there was a blizzard, I would understand completely. He mumbled to stop nagging and barely spoke to me that night. I said to him "It seems you don't want to be with me anymore….I just don't get why are you so angry at me?" And once again apologized to him for checking the status on FB about that show. It took him until the next day to apologize for his behavior and he said he was sorry, just he felt given the situation he was so looking forward to hanging out with his buddies and felt I was intruding on his plans. I laughed and said whatever…. Wasn't trying to start anything, was concerned about his safety on the road given the weather conditions… I told him I would mind my own business from then on… Something wasn't sitting right with me anymore…. His behavior and anger was very odd. When Christmas came along and we went to my cousin's house like we do every year, he was talking a lot to my cousin's wife and they seemed to have a lot in common which seemed cool. They wound up being FB friends the next day and then I noticed for weeks on end - they seemed to had an interest in each-other!!!! UUUMMMMMMMM HELLO????? MY COUSIN'S WIFE AND HIM - and he was still with me? He was constantly on FB now and was liking all her pictures and probably was sending private messages to her and then I called him out about it and said "Seriously, have some respect for my family… MY COUSIN and for ME please" and he laughed in my face and said he wasn't doing anything wrong! And he found her attractive and if he wanted to "LIKE" her pictures, then he was going to do just that. WHO IS THIS GUY? What the heck happened to him? Weeks went by and he always seemed angry… When I cooked dinner he barely wanted to sit at the dinner table with me. He was too busy on damn FB that asking for 10 minutes of his time to have dinner was considered "NAGGING" to him. I said yet again "Seems you're too busy now…. talking to your other "girlfriends"…." And he screamed at me saying to just stop it already…. And if he truly doesn't love me, he wouldn't be with me anymore. When Valentine's Day came around, he gave me 3 beautiful cards like he did every year (some years it was one card, others 2-3) and another thing I found odd was he took me with him to the local floral shop to pick out a bouquet of roses so the usual me walked over to the cheapest section that were $9.99 and he found one that was $69.99 and I said to stop being silly, that is way too much for roses. He kept insisting to PICK OUT WHATEVER I WANTED (which wasn't like him) and I even said "What's become over you? This is weird…." And he said he loved me so much, he wanted the best roses for his rose (me)…. I wound up picking out two smaller bouquets and then he said to pick out balloons or something else…. Ummm, okay…. I picked out one regular balloon and one tiny balloon and I also gave him a gift, like I do every year - an iTunes gift card and card saying "I LOVE YOU!" Towards the end of MARCH 2015 - Before he left for work, he said his usual "I LOVE YOU" and at the end of the day, he called and said he was leaving "I'll be home soon. I LOVE YOU!"…. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary. When he came home - there was no hugs or kisses. He mumbled he was tired and was going to take a nap. He took a short nap and fell a sleep in my room while I was on the phone. He fell a sleep on my arm and I nudged him and said "Hey, wake up sleepy head" and he got up in a strange daze and walked over to the blue rose painting he gave me years ago and looked at it for a few minutes and I thought what the heck is he doing….. It was always in the same place *in my room* for all the years we have lived here and then I said how I always loved that painting and miss when he used to paint for me and write me poems. He said in a very strange tone of voice "That's because it was a LONG….LONG…..LONG, time ago!" And SCREAMED "I'm DONE!" And "I AM NOT GOING BACK LIKE I DID IN JUNE!" And then he screamed in my face saying how I accused him of cheating with my cousin's wife and I said "Don't put words into my mouth…" And said I told him I didn't appreciate when he kept clicking like to her pics and seemed to be flirting with her on weeks on end. He went on and on and on of everything he couldn't stand about me and he was so F**CKIN DONE WITH IT ALL and slammed the door and went outside to have a cigarette. I collapsed on the bathroom floor crying for hours and I heard him LAUGHING literally out loud (like the devil) and heard him typing away online for hours, of course. He rushed on FB that very moment to get rid of the once engaged status and changed himself to SINGLE and delete the majority of our once pics together (but very strange - kept 4 pics of us from 2007 only when we first began dating). Not even 36 hours go by, and he deleted his default pic of us that he had on there for years and changed it to himself of an EVIL selfie pic that he took of him LAUGHING like the devil and this awful, evil grin on his face. That alone was sick and disturbing! I apologize for how long this post is (probably the longest post ever on this website) but I am still in shock and don't understand how somebody who once cared so much and put 100% into everything, do a 180 and has no remorse, empathy…. NOTHING anymore :'(! When all this went down, he went to our leasing office and tried to remove me from the lease. Since both of our names were always on it (and although he was paying the rent/bills) he felt this was HIS PLACE and I needed to go. Given the situation in all these years and not working outside of the home, all my family - out of state, etc…. I had no idea where or what was going to happen. I called my family and everyone was shocked thinking he was going to change his mind and things just need to chill between us and I said "I don't think so…." Each day was getting worse, we avoided each-other and he would go in his room and I would go in mine and the little we tried to talk he would scream at me and blamed me for everything, which wasn't fair. I kept saying none of this made any sense and asked him "JUST WHY??????" And I said "If you truly want to make things work and fight for US, you will!" He said there is NO MORE US……… That our love drifted apart…. He was drained and DONE and WANTED OUT and kept saying I was "TOO MUCH WORK" in the end and it's his time to be selfish and think only about him and he wasted all these years trying to be "A good boyfriend……." But it too overwhelming and then I asked him "WHY DID YOU SAY I LOVE YOU THAT DAY YOU LEFT WORK……If knowing inside you were done?" …… "WHY make such an effort for Valentine's Day just the month before?" He laughed in my face and said "It was part of a routine" and he didn't know how to get away from it. And then laughed in my face and said he hated buying flowers and nice cards in all the years and technically I didn't deserve even a Christmas gift from him. I kept saying "Wow……. WHO ARE YOU?"…… You're SICK!" And I said everything I have always gave him was from my heart and never did I feel forced to give him anything, I enjoyed doing nice things for him all the time. And I mentioned that NOBODY put a gun to his head or forced him to ever get me roses or nice cards, etc…. He laughed in my face and said he felt if he didn't, then all I would do is NAG him to death! That is SO UNTRUE and uncalled for and out of all the gifts he has ever given me, the blue rose painting is the one I'll cherish most. AND HE KNOWS THIS! SUM everything up (SORRY again for how long this is) - he moved out in JUNE (I was traveling and left the apartment after the break-up) and needed time to decide what was next……. I left for weeks on end, hoping he was going to at least just apologize for the nasty things he said to me in all the weeks or say something in the end, when I came back from different trips. Nothing………….. I'm the one staying here until the end of October (pulling from my savings to pay the rent/bills) and have no idea where to go from here. I don't have much money and I'm starting a new job this week but it's not enough to cover rent and bills in the long run in the city where I live. A decent apartment is starting at $750+ and where I currently live, a one bedroom apt is $799 and there is a $40 water fee and several other fees, if I decide to stay within this area I would be looking at around $900 a month. I am beyond stressed to the max and when I traveled out of state, I did consider to move by family, but I am still at a loss of everything feeling….. After he moved out, we still had contact over him needing to pick up the rest of his stuff, etc…. and then the last time I saw him in person a few weeks ago, was just to hard. There was no eye contact, no emotions, he looks very strange (like he is trying to look younger (MIDLIFE CRISIS?) by shaving his entire face when he had a goatee all the years - but he looks more like AL BUNDY now) and is like a complete stranger now. After that day, I kept the NC in check and it's been a few weeks but still, I am just so confused how somebody can just CHANGE and do a 180 and NOT CARE what-so-ever anymore! I am 34 and he recently turned 44 and I believe it's a mix of a midlife crisis, metal disorder (bipolar - although he would never admit to having any sort of problem) and yes, can understand with all the medical issues I have gone through - it would take a toll on anyone (including myself - it's been very hard) and his last few words to me was "He was tired of being the boyfriend, the caregiver and the financial provider." When it came to money, as stated before although he was paying the rent and bills, I covered everything else. From groceries every month, received many gift cards to all of our favorite restaurants and covered many nights out to the household items to even paying at times for his gasoline and even got him free football tickets to his favorite BEATS headphones - the list goes on. When I did receive checks or any money during my birthday, holidays or from online promos - I did contribute to the bills as well and never had a problem helping out when I could and he even said a few months prior to the break-up he knew and appreciated all that I did. Sorry to keep rambling….. LONGEST POST EVER **eeekkkk*** !!!!!!
NVO Posted July 27, 2015 Posted July 27, 2015 But you feel better now that you all wrote that down, right? I'm very sorry for your situation right now. I understand that you feel worn out and devastated. I do not have the life experience to explain all of his actions or your financial situation (I'm from the Netherlands and we have medical care here for everyone), but I did see some similarities with my own dad. He cheated on my mom, developed a real phone obsession, then told my mother she was 'crazy for thinking that I am cheating', lied to her for several months and finally we found out that he was cheating. I think he did somewhat the same, he did not feel the same about you, maybe even met other people. But instead of dealing with this feelings and being honest, he just made it look like it was all of your fault. Saying you are accusing him of cheating and all that. And to be honest, getting mad at you for you being sick, is sickening to me.
BC1980 Posted July 27, 2015 Posted July 27, 2015 I think that the financial and medical issues were building for a long time and just exploded. A lot of couples simply don't make it through a chronic medical illness, and many marriages break up when a child has a chronic illness. It's a huge stress to put on a relationship. I've also read that financial issues are one of the top causes of divorce. Over time, people get bitter if they feel they are pulling all the weight with regards to finances. May I ask why you have been out of work for so long?
Author LonelyGAL86 Posted July 27, 2015 Author Posted July 27, 2015 Hi NVO and BC1980, Thank you for taking the time to read my very long post and for replying back. NVO - Yes, although very long (I tend to be very descriptive) it does help to write it all out and in a way, vent. If that makes sense! I am very sorry to hear that your dad cheated on your mom. Nobody deserves to be treated that way and lied to! I will never understand people and why they do the things they do to hurt us. I agree, I feel like E was escaping online (which wound up becoming an addiction) and rather than talking about things, he was more interested in talking to his "old school buddies" along with married ladies, etc… I don't think he met anybody outside of the home at that time but maybe was in the works of something/plans and I question the time back in NOV when he got so mad about that metal show being cancelled, if possibly there was someone specific he intended to meet up with since he got so mad. There is a saying "People only get mad and defensive about certain topics when they know they're guilty!" BC1980 - I agree and am aware of this. When we first moved in together I did pay 50/50 in everything until the end of 2010 and kept having one health issue after another and several of my main doctors strongly suggested I file for disability. I was denied twice but was told that's common and it's a very long process. I have problems sitting and/or standing for long periods of time and get dizzy spells often which has led to passing out. I was checked for seizures/Epilepsy and the results came back inconclusive. I've been out of work (as in outside of the home) this entire time due to health reasons. Another red flag that I forgot to mention (this also was around the first mini break-up in June 2014) was E's brother was dating this new girl that his parents adored and E never cared for her. The day I met her (she is in her late 20's) she came across friendly but his parents that day (we went to their folks house for dinner) seemed odd with me and introduced me to her as "Their neighbor" and joked saying it's cause I never show up at their house anymore. I didn't find that funny (when ALL the YEARS - his family was always so kind to me and treated me with respect) something seemed very strange when the new girlfriend was around. After several weeks, E revealed something BIG! That his brother's girlfriend was a trust fund baby and he quoted (in his own words saying) "She will NEVER HAVE TO WORK A F**KIN DAY IN HER LIFE…… EVER! I HATE THAT B**CH!" And then I said "OHHHHH, that explains why your family is acting all weird with me now!" The pieces of the puzzle were coming together. E told me that his mom told him, she is worth MILLIONS and during that conversation just between us, I even said "Hey, if I start working at least part time again and lead myself up to hopefully a better lifestyle and make some money and help contribute more, would that put less stress on yourself and at work?" He said "No, keep doing what you do online… You're great at it and at least you support the household." He said his brother's girlfriend doesn't do anything yet she is handed everything to her and then stated he knows I have always been that person to do whatever I can to lend a hand, help out and work (from home). Some months from my online promos - on average was around $800 a month and a great month was around $3000. I was the one in the relationship to take responsibility of paying the utility bills, etc and then E would give me the money back to put into my account for the following month. When I received some income I even said "I GOT IT TAKEN CARE OF THIS MONTH" and rather then appreciating it and just maybe saying "Thank you" he got livid and would say "I DON'T WANT YOUR MONEY!" Nothing made sense in the end. I was always "Damned if I do. Damned if I don't!" In all the years we were together, I paid for many evenings out when we went to dinner and in the past he used to appreciate it and all I ever wanted was a simple "Thank you!" The guy I once knew and loved always said "Thank you" but the last few months prior to the break-up there was nothing. He never appreciated anything I did and in his past relationships ALL THE GIRLS he once dated - never paid for dinners or anything of that nature EVER and I was and will always be that girl that never has a problem and ENJOY doing my part and making others happy ! He told me for YEARS on end, I was always too nice and he saw how past friends took advantage of me. He loved saying the line "Treat people the way THEY TREAT YOU…" rather than the classic saying. FUNNY how that turned out in the end!
BC1980 Posted July 27, 2015 Posted July 27, 2015 It's usually not one thing that kills a relationship but rather the culmination of many things over time. Sometimes, feelings erode over time. By the end, the dumper is trying to come up with any reason to break up. The truth is that they just don't want to be with you anymore, so take it for what it is. My guess is all the health issues came to a head, but I don't think your ex would admit that. He doesn't want to sound cruel, but "for worse" is relative.
Zapbasket Posted July 27, 2015 Posted July 27, 2015 I agree with BC1980; I think all the health issues became overwhelming over time. Sometimes people care a lot and want to be supportive, and they go out of their way for all the right reasons, not noticing how all the nurturing over time is wearing them down. Then, by the time they realize it, they are exhausted and full of resentment. It's certainly not fair, because had they set up the proper boundaries from the get-go, they would have been properly nurturing THEMSELVES as well as the other person, and things wouldn't need to come to such a nasty head. But often in situations where one person has constant health issues, the focus of everyone is on the person with the issues, and not the caregiver. Few caregivers therefore are properly equipped to deal with the problems, and don't receive any education on how to care for themselves at least as much as they care for the other person. He probably came from all the right motives at first--wanting to be supportive, genuinely loving you and feeling like it was his duty to help you however he could, as well as his pleasure: he could feel needed. But caregivers need to be reminded that they need to get out and live their own life, and be around healthy people, and just get away from the illness for a while...otherwise they get swallowed up in the caregiving, and begin to feel suffocated. I can imagine how confusing it all is, and hurtful. Sadly, I don't think there's anything you can do. My uncle's wife has chronic, and serious, health issues, and it's hard on my uncle, because they often have to cancel travel plans when her illness acts up, and she's often very tired, and she gets depressed and cries about her situation, and the whole thing is very wearing on my uncle--and he is the most kind, patient man I've ever known. She doesn't want to be, but she IS a burden on my uncle; that's a fact. He would never, ever say so, though. None of it is your fault. Give him all the space and time he needs (even if it's forever), and focus on nurturing yourself. Get involved in something that gives you joy; get plenty of rest and good food. All will work out in time as it's meant to.
Author LonelyGAL86 Posted July 27, 2015 Author Posted July 27, 2015 Thank you BC1980 and GreenCove for your responses. I do appreciate it! I completely agree when you mentioned "It's usually not one thing that kills a relationship but rather the culmination of many things over time." But I don't understand the ANGER and pure EVIL that became of him and his nasty personality that seemed abrupt in all of this. After he moved out, he came back several times to pick up his things (never did I touch or throw anything out and some things were collected in dust and never touched in all the years) and always had respect towards other people's property yet I can't say the same thing for him. I had a coat of mine in the trunk of his car and while he was cleaning out the garage and came upstairs to smoke a cigarette on the balcony, I went down to grab my coat and it wasn't there. I saw him give me a dirty look and he asked what was I doing and responded by asking him where did my coat go? He LAUGHED in my face and said he pitched it (in the apartment dumpster) and said "If you wanted your coat so F**KIN bad, you would have taken it out of my car along time ago?" I walked over to the dumpster and indeed it was there thrown at the very bottom covered in so much garbage, it wasn't worth trying to save. That was down right CRUEL and I'm sorry, I didn't deserve that sh*t. Without yelling I mentioned I was very polite to allow him to come back several times for his things and I never did anything like that to his stuff yet it's okay he did that to me? He laughed again in my face and said to quit whining and "GET OVER IT!" And how it was just a coat. A$$H*LE!!!! If I would have done anything like that to his stuff, I probably wouldn't be here to write about it. I understand how overwhelming all the health issues were but I have never lied, cheated on him, was always caring, loyal and beyond honest with him and he obviously wasn't honest back to me. In his past relationships, he was cheated on and girls took advantage of his money when some of the girls he was with, had earned more income yet he was always paying for everything back then. I truly believe there is something more behind the madness, anger and extreme ups and downs with his attitude and in the end he found pleasure out of my extreme sadness and depression DURING/AFTER the break-up. He belittled me and kept putting me down for everything in the end. Saying I can't do sh*t….. And said how our older neighbor lady who is in her 80's does way more than I have done in all the years we were together and how I can't cook worth sh*t…. Yet, it's funny how he enjoyed some of the meals I made and looked forward to Taco Night for example. My heart goes out to your uncle and his wife! I know from both sides, how difficult it is and can totally relate. It's frustrating for both people involved yet if the roles were reversed and I truly loved the person, I would stick by them through thick and thin! He did have some embarrassing personal issues and I noticed it when we first got involved that something that happened during the night, didn't seem normal for his age. I didn't know how to handle it but was very mature and thought in my head "Okay….. Hope this doesn't happen again…." And realized this went on throughout the years…. LOL, maybe you may catch my drift in what I'm saying but he wasn't easy either yet I never made fun of him and I acted like an adult about the situation rather than just giving him the boot from the very beginning. Throughout the years when we were together (even on really bad days when I didn't feel well and tried to be happy and not complain) I kept wanting to do the things we used to do like go walk in the park, try a different restaurant, suggested a small road trip, going to the movies, etc…. In the end he never wanted to. He was always tired and said maybe, next weekend. Always the same response yet I tried. I also mentioned I never had an issue when he went out with friends and he said since all his friends are mostly married, there wasn't a point to bother hanging out with them. But NOW ALL OF A SUDDEN since getting his laptop and his love for FB - he talks away for hours online and after the breakup - I saw via the FB wall that he has been hanging out with a MARRIED lady who has been flirting with him for years on end and back then he knew it upset me but now that he is single…. I guess he has no problem getting involved. I find it disgusting to even flirt with somebody who is MARRIED yet it's all good in his book now. This is the stuff that gets to me. His whole change of personality is evil, nasty and DIRTY and has no respect for anybody but himself now. That's not the person I knew...
Zapbasket Posted July 28, 2015 Posted July 28, 2015 There obviously is something going on with him but unless he chooses to stop acting like a d*ck, pull his big-boy pants on and tell you what is up, you need to do whatever you can to avoid further exposure to his toxic words and behavior. I understand he is not the man you knew and I can well imagine the profound bafflement and hurt you are experiencing, but for your own sake you need to recognize that this abusive jerk is who he is NOW and whatever he was before is irrelevant. Does he now have all his things out of your place? If not, give him one chance to get his stuff, have a friend be there while you absent yourself so as not to endure one more cruel word from him, and promptly change all your locks. Block him everywhere, both physically and on social media. And ask one of your family members to come from out of state for at least a weekend for moral support. You need it; do not try to shoulder all this alone. The only task you have right now is to protect yourself. You should not be sitting duck for his awful abuse. I am glad to see in your last post that you are angry; use it to expel his terrible behavior, reason be damned for now, from your proximity. Be strong. You can get through this.
Author LonelyGAL86 Posted July 31, 2015 Author Posted July 31, 2015 I wrote my Bible long version of what happened between me and my EX on here recently but to sum everything up, I went almost 3 weeks (until yesterday) of having NC with him and then obviously he was bored and decided to push my buttons to the extreme by emailing me non-stop! We were together for 7.5 years (and lived together since Oct 2008) and back in March he broke up with me and I was completely blindsided by the whole thing, it literally seemed like his decision came out of no where and everything was one sided in the end. Nothing was ever his fault and he always found something to be angry about when I have NEVER lied, or cheated or done anything hurtful to him but can't say the same about him. He tried to kick me out of the apartment after the break-up, but since both of our names were on the lease I told him I wasn't ready to pick up and move and if he wanted out so bad, he can leave. I wound up leaving for several weeks to visit family out of state (during that time) and nothing changed in the end. His decision was final and he wound up moving out in the middle of June. The only two tied connections we had together as a duo when times were good was the apartment lease and on the same cell phone plan via his name - but I was the one who set up the online account and password since back then he hated computers and I never had a problem taking charge of accounts, etc. For weeks on end, we both went to our leasing office and asked multiple times for the paperwork to be switched out and have his name removed off the lease and they are very slow to act on paperwork but finally received it AFTER he moved out. We both have to go "together" in person and get the paper notarized but since I was on a streak of NC with him, I figured I would wait it out for awhile and let things chill out - since it's very hard to be around a person who once loved you so much and now is a complete stranger. In regards to our cell phone company (their customer service reps are in Canada although their customer base is in the US) and could never get a hold of a live person all the times I tried to call them. They emailed me awhile ago and I had asked for them to please contact me. My EX was with me that day when he even saw I tried to call and he also called and got the same typical message when nobody picks up. He said to not worry about it, eventually we'll take care of it. Since my NC streak, he had tried to call twice and emailed me (once - every week) in regards to a book of mine that he has and wants to stop by and give it to me along with some freebie sample box (which I could care less about). Every time he tried to contact me, I kept to the NC rule and felt much better about things. Although he was "trying" to be polite in his emails about wanting to stop by and give me the book - I know it's like breadcrumbs (as stated in the NC post) and he only wants to come over, be nosey and probably hear me cry or say how much I miss him so he could boost his own ego even more and that was NOT going to happen anymore. He emailed me numerous times yesterday within a 2 hour period and the first email said how he spoke to a live rep with the cell phone company and had removed me from the plan as of today's date! He was "TRYING TO BE NICE" with a hint of a warning. I called the cell phone company and switched all my info and line into my OWN account and got it squared away. As a courtesy, the cell phone rep called my EX and told him that I called and arranged my own account and everything should be squared away. While I was on the phone with the cell phone guy, my EX EMAILED ME AGAIN now asking for the PASSWORD to the account. The rep told me I could either be nice and email him that info or let him know somehow that he needs to call them back and they would be glad to assist him with his personal account. STILL - I didn't respond back to the A-HOLE…. AND THEN HE sent me a message on FB to contact him "please." THAT'S WHEN I FINALLY UNFRIENDED HIS A$$ (YES, I should of done it awhile ago with the nasty things I saw after the break-up) and I also unfriended his brother and his brother's gf - so there were no ties of anything with him on social media. Then HE EMAILED ME AGAIN saying "I will drop those 2 packages that I have asked about a COUPLE times on the porch at some point. I won't knock, won't bother you, I will leave them nicely on a chair." Ta-ta (IN HIS LANGUAGE that means to F**K OFF or FU…. I know him very well). HE EMAILED ME that last email above right after I UNFRIENDED him on FB. It was a nice and quiet (almost) 3 weeks until this crap! I called my parents and the short few weeks they were aware and proud of me that I made NC with him what-so-ever. My mom believes he is acting out and either he is extremely bored and loves to pick fights or secretly he is hurting inside and is acting very immature and although he will never admit his faults or rash decision, seems a tad bit lonely now… I didn't want to contact him but because I do have the lease agreement in my hands and know it eventually does have to be taken care of - ugghhhh, I wound up emailing him and started the email with "Hello, Were you bored at work today with all the emails?" I explained to him that I was working and couldn't respond at that moment and in regards to the cell phone/password - he needs to call them back and they would be happy to assist him with a new password and for him to change email accounts. I told him I received the paperwork in regards to the lease agreement under my name and said we can arrange meeting at the bank to get it notarized sometime. I ended the email being POLITE (and trying to be CIVIL) and told him if he wants to give me the book then, that would be fine and he doesn't have to make a special trip or go out of his way and if he pleases he can keep the freebie box that has hand lotions, etc in it (which he used to love taking to work). He emailed back saying "I will let you know." (As in when we should ever meet up to get the paper notarized). SORRY again for my very long posts! The part I don't understand or ever will - HE WANTED THE BREAK-UP, HE WANTED TO MOVE OUT, HE WANTED ALL OF THIS yet continues to find ways to push my buttons to the extreme and still be cold and nasty even through emails! HE wanted me OUT OF HIS LIFE and GOT HIS WISH apparently so WHY IS HE STILL CONTACTING ME (as in yesterday with NUMEROUS EMAILS)? I understand the cell phone bill situation and after the break-up, I gave him my share in cash and he always said that's cool, whatever…. But out of no-where it was ONE EMAIL after another from him and the whole TA TA ending (F**K OFF) really made me upset!!! Just WHY?!?!? I will NEVER understand how somebody who cared so freakin much in 7 out of 7.5 years, continue to find pleasure in hurting me. There is ALWAYS A WAY to talk to people in a normal "tone" and then there's him - with one rude email after another with "hints and warnings"… Please help me understand this craziness since I am still very hurt and confused why he keeps treating me like sh*t when he was the one who destroyed me in every way possible. Doesn't make sense!
Clarence_Boddicker Posted July 31, 2015 Posted July 31, 2015 You or us on here can't understand his motivations for what he did & is doing. I know you're hurting, but asking why is pointless. From what I learned in my last RS is to go full NC ASAP. If I was in your shoes, I'd of dealt with everything commingled like the lease & phone at the beginning, so I could make a clean break quickly. Once you do that, you can go full NC & protect yourself from him.
Poppyolive Posted July 31, 2015 Posted July 31, 2015 Ahhh, I went through the same thing. 6 year relationship, he dumped me quite callously. I stood back and let him go. We were both on the lease too. He moved out that is when I received countless texts, emails, whatsap, Facebook messages. A few nice and sweet ones the rest nasty, bullying. He had one box of things left at the apartment. He would message for it, cone by take one item and leave. Acting really nervous. Then a few days later another item. Then he found something of mine.... It goes on and on. It was making me super anxious. I blocked him everywhere. That's when he would show up angry. It went on for 5 months. With me completely ignoring him for 3 months. It's been almost 2 years complete silence. You did the right thing. Any lease stuff cc him in emails sent to the landlord, avoiding direct contact. Like you i don't know why he did what be did. When be was the one to split. I let him go. I think he had a whole range of emotions he couldn't control. So they came out in anger. He was also drinking a lot. I think your ma n just wants attention now he's getting none. And he'll do that by pushing buttons. But, do not give in. Complete no contact. It will fade off. It's crazy how similar our situations were. Although I'm completely indifferent to him. I still sometimes have a hard time processing the hurt he caused me when he should of left me alone. That sort of behaviour is miles from anything I know. It was almost as if he was sick. Stay strong & soldier on
Author LonelyGAL86 Posted August 9, 2015 Author Posted August 9, 2015 (edited) I've posted my break-up story on here recently (previous posts) but to sum everything up - back in March, my 7.5 year relationship ended just like that and and was completely blindsided by the whole situation. My EX and I started dating in 2007 and we moved into an apartment together in the fall of 2008 and he moved out in the middle of June. From the end of March till June, I was not around the apartment that much and traveled to see my family during that awful time and kept thinking back then, maybe we just needed space and he would snap back into reality, etc but obviously not the case. For 7 out of 7.5 years, everything seemed to be going very well (relationship wise) but noticed the change in him that started in late summer/early fall of last year. He seemed to always be on edge, very tired from working long days (which that I understood completely) but he became more distant after he bought his new laptop and became addicted to FB like no other. He had his FB page for years but prior to his laptop he owned an old computer and rarely signed on. When he came home from work, his online activity would go from a few minutes to hours at end and became a completely different person in the end of things. He would snap at just about anything and that was NOT the guy I knew for 7 out of 7.5 years! From this board and reading about BPD - there are many signs and symptoms that he showed and I truly believe there is something going on mentally with him, cause the 180 in change and being so manipulative and cold towards me in the end was very strange; when I didn't do anything wrong - never lied, never cheated, loved him with all my heart and was always honest with him! To get to the main point (sorry, I tend to ramble on) - prior to him moving out, we both went multiple times along with calling our leasing office to get the paperwork to remove his name off the lease. They are very slow with things and it wasn't until AFTER he moved out, I received the paperwork - in which we had to get notarized. I went almost 3 weeks of NC with him and during that time he tried calling a few times (didn't leave a message) and he also emailed me about wanting to stop by to give me a book he had of mine. He wound up emailing me like crazy (over a week ago) in regards to the book, cell phone situation that has been handled and he wrote saying he didn't care about the lease anymore. He wasn't aware I finally got the paperwork since it was received during the NC time - but knew it had to be taken care of. So that's when I replied to his email saying I have the paper and we arranged to meet at the bank yesterday - to get it notarized. He emailed me yesterday in the morning about the bank and then I called him and kept it short - and said how about 12:30? He said okay. I haven't seen him for several weeks and knew it was going to be hard. When I arrived at the bank, he was already in the parking lot. He got out of his car and stood by his door and when I got out of my car, he looked away (no eye contact what-so-ever) and seemed to be in good spirits and said "What's new? How is everything?"….. I was so nervous inside and kept it short and said "same old…" First time with him, I also didn't make eye contact. When we went inside the bank, the notary guy (who knows me - he notarized good papers in the past… such as contest wins) he asked "Is this another good one?" I said "Quite the opposite…" The paper was notarized and very few words were spoken. As we left the bank, he walked towards his car and didn't say one word. I said I can make a copy of this document and email him or whatever (for his records) and he mumbled OK….yeah….whatever. That's fine. And then I got in my car and said "Hey, I have two pieces of mail for you that arrived at the apartment." He then went to his car and got the book he had of mine and then as I was putting my seat belt on and about to close the door, he tapped me on the shoulder and said "Hey….. I'm still here if you need something. You can call or whatever." I looked away and didn't say anything. In my head, I am thinking this is breadcrumbs as how this board calls it. I just thanked him for coming out of his way and meeting me at the bank and he said "Yeah, sure. No problem." When I left the bank parking lot, I noticed his car was still there and he was making a phone call. I assume to his parents, since they live nearby and to probably say "The job has been taken care of…. Now I am FREE of all ties from her"…. I kept breaking down yesterday :'( knowing I won't probably ever see him again… It felt like day one of the BU - although he was civil and quiet yesterday. From reading this board about similar situations and that if an EX truly has feelings or whatever and want to say something more than breadcrumbs….. That they will go out of their way, etc… "Actions speak louder than words" as we all know. I was truly hoping yesterday for something more. A tiny part of me was hoping for a face to face apology for how nasty he was to me in the end. Wishful thinking, I know…. NOTHING….. No words other than the tapping me on the shoulder saying "I'm here….." line. I have so much on my mind and have cried every day since March and want so bad to tell him in a letter/email how much he has hurt me, but I know he already knows. Prior to him moving out, he would scream at me if he saw me crying and laughed in my face saying how dramatic I was being in his opinion and that I needed to move on and get over him. After yesterday and that the final tie/connection with us is now taken care of, I know I have to get back to NC and slowly I am moving on, just so hard when he says "I'm here" sh*t….. When I know he is just saying that to boost his own ego for the slight guilt he may have in his heart. Sorry for such a long post again, just beyond heart broken and so empty inside still not understanding WTF happened to the guy I once knew and loved!?!? He is a complete stranger and this will never make sense to me. Edited August 9, 2015 by LonelyGAL86
Author LonelyGAL86 Posted August 11, 2015 Author Posted August 11, 2015 We were together for 7.5 years until he broke up with me in March of this year. The last few months prior to the B/U I noticed a change in his behavior where he was always so angry at me or tired and I always felt during that time I was "Damned if I do. Damned if I don't". When he would come home from work he would always say he was tired and back then I completely understood since he did work 10-12 hour shifts at the office. I used to tell him to take a nap when he came home, and sometimes he would and other days he would yell saying like a kid "No…..I don't want to take a nap!" The guy I once knew and loved used to be very sweet, honest, caring, loyal, etc. And then I saw a completely different side to him as he got more distant with me and became hooked on FB (as stated in previous posts on here). His regular log in's went from minutes to several hours in the end and then he constantly talked about his good old days and how he missed his old buddies. He had his FB page for years but this all came about after he got his new laptop back last summer and became a crazy obsession. Obviously he was talking to someone or a few people. Right before the B/U in March, he would always say things like how we never travel, we never do anything fun like all his other "friends" do…. It was always "Never this…. never that." Okay… Then I would even suggest saying let's go out and try something different. A road trip….. A new restaurant. A different park - since we used to love taking walks in the park and taking pictures. His answer was always "Nooooo….. I'm tired." He was always so tired yet not tired enough to talk online with his friends on FB. And then the break up happened. That day when everything went down I collapsed on the bathroom floor crying for hours on end and I heard him literally laugh out loud like the devil and he was too busy on FB that night and changed his once engaged status with me to single, deleted 95% of our pictures, etc. That cold, evil laugh still haunts me today. When he moved out he became very sadistic (as my friend would describe the situation) and showed no emotions what-so-ever. That's not the guy I EVER knew for over 7 years! Also stated in a recent post about social media and the EX subject - I now know he is talking and hanging out with the wrong crowd of people from married ladies to an evil guy from my past (that my EX knew what happened between me and this guy who literally put his hands on me….) and he is also now talking to a lady with two kids and in all the years I have known him, he always would say he never wants to be involved with someone with baggage and never wants to take over the responsibility of being a dad to someone else's kids. So why flirt with this girl if he knows she has two daughters? I finally gave him the boot online which felt great but I don't understand why everything he once said or did is basically a complete 180 now? How do you go from loving somebody so much in all the years and be so cruel and nasty and laugh in my face - when I never did anything wrong nor ever hurt him. To this day, none of this change in him makes sense to me. He found pleasure when I was at the lowest point in my life during the B/U and the following weeks until he moved out and continued to hurt me on social media with the things that were posted on his wall. Last Saturday, we met at the bank to get a paper notarized in regards to our apt lease and his name was taken off, etc… and now I will go back to *NC* since all ties have been cut. The few minutes I was by him in the bank….. Felt like a complete stranger. He looks and acts very different (not in a good way) and that once nice, sweet guy is beyond evil and mean. I know people CHANGE when they meet somebody else, but seriously don't get the whole 180! Is it possible to change completely and live a whole different life (almost like living a lie) within a few months? Or do you think this is an act? I personally think he suffers from BPD. I did great when I was in NC with him for several weeks but when I saw him at the bank, everything hit me all over again.
Realitycol Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 I'm not trying to be mean, but it all happens way too often, that people post about 3-4-5-6-7-8-10-30 year relationship and POOF 180 degree turn, it all HAPPENED SO FAST. No it didn't... he already fell out of love and moved on months ago. You just didn't see the signs until now, or do you? Look, he took you for granted. Spent no time with you. All he did was bitch, whine, and complain and you just ate it up and didn't do anything to stand up for yourself or the relationship. He lost interest in you, and was turned off. He wanted nothing to do with you, he was already moving on as he spent more time in another reality that didn't include you in it. In LTR, people post how many years they were in a relationship and then say omg, we broke up all of a sudden. No, no no no no. It's not all of a sudden. The average days a person is in love is 720 days according to some valid research. Why is it that the dumper in a very long LTR already moves on with a new girl or boy the next day or next week or next month? That's because they emotionally already moved on during the failing relationship. 1
Author LonelyGAL86 Posted August 11, 2015 Author Posted August 11, 2015 Hi Realitycol, Thank you for your response and your honesty. To be fair, I was getting mixed signals a few months before the B/U and I did stand up for myself and called him out on it. When he escaped online and threw temper tantrums like a kid (he is in his 40's… I am 34) and snapped at me for no good reason, I asked him back then "Do you even want to be with me anymore? Why are you so mad? Seems you don't love me anymore!"…. And he kept saying "Yes…." or his usual line "If I didn't love you, would I be here right now and do all the things I always do for you?" When Valentine's Day came around (this was one month before the B/U) we went out to dinner and I paid and gave him a gift, he gave me 3 beautiful cards and one specifically said all this crap how his world is beautiful because I am in it and I am the love of his life…. and also gave me beautiful roses and "I LOVE YOU" balloons. And in my head I thought if he truly didn't love me when I sensed there was trouble - why would he make such an effort still? Wasn't about the roses or balloons. Whenever he would give me nice cards for example - I knew he always took the time to look for specific ones with meaning. So I was confused…. Then ONE week before the B/U I had a follow up with my doctor about some alarming medical tests (had a tumor removed in my past) and I was going to go alone to that appointment and he took off work that day to be with me and I never asked or mentioned anything nor complained. He did that on his own and showed he obviously still cared. A few days after that appointment, I had received a note from my doctor that the medical tests I got was released in my online chart and for the most part (((knock on wood))) the results were okay. Not as bad as expected but results showed a new growth (which appears to be a cyst for now but from my past… a 3.2 cm cyst became a 9.8 tumor within a few months) so every few months, I have to get follow up tests. I guess when he knew things were okay is when he figured to finally let everything out and say he was done with everything. I don't think it's fair for someone to give such mixed signals even ONE week before all hell broke loose, if YES - he probably thought for months he wanted out. But why go to the extreme with Valentine's Day and trying to comfort me at the doctor's office and then at home - waiting for the test results to be released in my chart? I asked him after the B/U WHY DID HE do all that sh*t if it didn't mean anything to him in the end? He laughed in my face and said "Everything was part of a routine in the end." And he didn't know how to escape from it. I'm sorry, but that's just down right nasty and cruel! You are correct and he did take me for granted and he did bitch, whine and complain but if he knew his heart and mind he was going to end things, why even bother with everything I just mentioned?
foolinlove79 Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 My ex is very similar In his behaviour during a bu. The last 3 months before he bu with me were awful. Everything i said annoyed him. Everything i did was wrong. He was cold and distant. I asked many times what was wrong and he would say everything was fine. The last time we went out on a date i really didnt want to go because i was so uncomfortable with the situation. I was nearly in tears while we were out. He said nothing nice to me the entire night and made nasty comments. 2 days later he finally ended it. 2 weeks later he was on a dating site and mey someone else. I was replaced easily. I tell you this because i can relate yo what you are going through. It is so very hard to see such completely different sides of someone who professes their love and who you have so many memories with. I am 3 months out and only now just starting to move on. It is very hard but it does get easier and it leads me to think i will be happy again one day. My best advice for you is to go nc. Seriously it is the best for YOU. If he tries to come back remember how he has treated you. Remember this side of him. It is real. And it exists and it can resurface on a whim. 2
Author LonelyGAL86 Posted August 11, 2015 Author Posted August 11, 2015 Hi foolinlove79, Thank you for your response as well. I truly appreciate all the feedback on here and it helps to vent along with understanding that we're not alone and to know there are good people still out there. I am so sorry to hear what you're going through (((hugs))) but I admire your strength and know you will find happiness again ! I went almost 3 weeks of NC with him and was doing better and then he kept sending one email after another with "unfinished business" (ooohhhh, he didn't like being ignored) and now that chapter with the apartment lease has been closed/ paper was notarized… That day at the bank as I was leaving and got in my car, he tapped me on the shoulder and said "I'm still here…… not like I am going anywhere. You can call or whatever." I didn't respond other than thanking him for coming out of his way to meet me at the bank. As I know, that is breadcrumbs…. No meaning behind that BS line. Like his tiny little guilt in his heart to feed his ego by saying that. Right? Going back to NC and I completely agree 100% and will never forget how he treated me in the end. Mentally and physically have been such a mess since March and have days I don't want to get out of bed. But I push myself and face my fears (such as driving somewhere new) and have been traveling more and helps me see the world in a different light literally ! My EX used to say (when he had the nerve to talk about others) "Treat people the WAY they treat you!" I find it so ironic he used to hate several of my old friends since I was only invited to parties involving gifts for example and it used to upset him saying "Those girls aren't your friends. They are USING you for a damn gift!" In the end, I stopped going to those birthdays, etc… and said adios to all of them. Another favorite line he would always say "If you sh*t the bed, you lay in it!" He talks a lot of SMACK….. Maybe karma or whatever is going to hit him right back in the end. It has before !
Realitycol Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 Hi Realitycol, Thank you for your response and your honesty. NP To be fair, I was getting mixed signals a few months before the B/U and I did stand up for myself and called him out on it. When he escaped online and threw temper tantrums like a kid (he is in his 40's… I am 34) and snapped at me for no good reason, I asked him back then "Do you even want to be with me anymore? Why are you so mad? Seems you don't love me anymore!"…. And he kept saying "Yes…." or his usual line "If I didn't love you, would I be here right now and do all the things I always do for you?" If he treated you like that and acted like a kid instead of a grown adult man than I'd not tolerate that. When Valentine's Day came around (this was one month before the B/U) we went out to dinner and I paid and gave him a gift, he gave me 3 beautiful cards and one specifically said all this crap how his world is beautiful because I am in it and I am the love of his life…. and also gave me beautiful roses and "I LOVE YOU" balloons. And in my head I thought if he truly didn't love me when I sensed there was trouble - why would he make such an effort still? Wasn't about the roses or balloons. Whenever he would give me nice cards for example - I knew he always took the time to look for specific ones with meaning. So I was confused…. Then ONE week before the B/U I had a follow up with my doctor about some alarming medical tests (had a tumor removed in my past) and I was going to go alone to that appointment and he took off work that day to be with me and I never asked or mentioned anything nor complained. He did that on his own and showed he obviously still cared. A few days after that appointment, I had received a note from my doctor that the medical tests I got was released in my online chart and for the most part (((knock on wood))) the results were okay. Not as bad as expected but results showed a new growth (which appears to be a cyst for now but from my past… a 3.2 cm cyst became a 9.8 tumor within a few months) so every few months, I have to get follow up tests. I guess when he knew things were okay is when he figured to finally let everything out and say he was done with everything. I don't think it's fair for someone to give such mixed signals even ONE week before all hell broke loose, if YES - he probably thought for months he wanted out. But why go to the extreme with Valentine's Day and trying to comfort me at the doctor's office and then at home - waiting for the test results to be released in my chart? People need to make a choice right? Sometimes I want chicken for dinner or beef I can't make up my mind this second but once I'm at the store and seen both products and thought it over and over I'll make a decision. I asked him after the B/U WHY DID HE do all that sh*t if it didn't mean anything to him in the end? He laughed in my face and said "Everything was part of a routine in the end." And he didn't know how to escape from it. I'm sorry, but that's just down right nasty and cruel! It sure is, so stop feeling sorry for yourself. You are correct and he did take me for granted and he did bitch, whine and complain but if he knew his heart and mind he was going to end things, why even bother with everything I just mentioned? Your man is obviously very immature and is hurting you. Okay you had 7 years with him and he was great at first, let me tell you though, EVERYBODY I dated or anybody dated the honeymoon phase is as they call it, GREAT! It's like a drug. Some lasts a month some lasts for a year, etc. Anyways, he's showing his true colors and has shown it for awhile, you want him still? Sure, you feel like you lost 7 years of your life, but hey it takes TWO in a relationship. If he wants out, you can't really stop his decision. He's a grown man (physically) and can make his own decisions. I want chicken for dinner, nobody can force me to shove beef down my throat.
SycamoreCircle Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 OP, I'm sorry for your pain. I know how it feels. You will eventually, through time and NC, develop your own sense of emotional clarity but let me see if I can try to help you a little bit: Remember as a teenager the blow ups you had at your parents? "I hate you! I wish you were dead! Get away from me!" I'm sure you don't feel that way now. You love your parents. But at the time you were growing in ways you didn't understand, feeling things you didn't understand. That is the closest I can come to explaining what happened to your ex. He is growing. He is changing. He wasn't happy with his life. He wasn't happy with where he was. He lashed out at those closest to him. He wants to unlock parts of himself he feels are locked. You are part of that lock. Does he love you? Yes. Will the two of you ever be together again? Probably not. He will grow. You will grow. At some point the narcissistic rage will subside and he will think of you with fondness and gratitude. He may even reach out to you. But you will grow in the meantime and your understanding and love for him will change. You say he's 40. My guess is that he didn't experience something crucial when he was younger. Maybe he settled too quickly into a career and never had a chance to "live." Now he wants to be dangerous and associate with the wrong crowd. As others pointed out, this was something that came over him gradually. Don't blame yourself. There's nothing you could do about this. The fact that you were such a loving, supportive partner only compounds the problem. He wouldn't have hated you so much, if he didn't love you. Hate is the obverse of love. Go NC. Focus on yourself. Focus on letting go of the hurt, the anger, the abuse. Focus on forgiving him. Slowly start to put yourself back together. Date yourself. Take up a new interest. Time will pass. You'll find order in your life again. You'll love yourself again. You'll meet someone new. You will have new experiences to shape you. 3
aloneinaz Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 OP- I don't want to repeat what's already been said other than he had checked out a long time before ending it. The bigger concern should be you and putting this behind you. How are you progressing? You stated it's been 5 months since the end? What steps are you talking to put this fully in the rear view mirror and focus on your future?
Author LonelyGAL86 Posted August 11, 2015 Author Posted August 11, 2015 Thank you all for taking the time to read my post and for the responses! I truly appreciate everyone's feedback and questions. To make it clear, NO WAY would I want to get back together with him. I am just trying to understand the reasoning behind this all and his nasty behavior and anger towards me when I know I did nothing wrong or ever hurt him, like he did towards me in the end. When he moved out of the apartment (stated this in a previous post that I wrote) I was kind enough to allow him to come back the following week to gather up the rest of his stuff. I never touched or threw anything away of his and that day when he came over here and cleaned out the garage and all was civil at that moment - I went quietly to his car to get my coat out of his trunk and noticed it wasn't there. As I was walking up the steps to my place, he was outside on the balcony and in an evil voice asked what was I doing? I said I went to your car to get my coat out of your trunk and he laughed and said "I pitched it…. It's in the dumpster!" I thought he was just being an a$$…. and hoped he was kidding. NOPE - it was in the apartment dumpster covered in garbage - it wasn't worth trying to save. Without getting mad - I looked him in the eyes and said "WHY?"….. He laughed in my face and flat out said "If you wanted your coat so f**kin bad, you would have not left it in my car!" I rolled my eyes in disgust with his behavior and said how I respected his property and never threw away any of his sh*t…. But it's sad, he had to stoop to that level. He then again laughed in my face and said for me to quit my whining and "GET OVER IT!" And how it was just a coat. Ummmmmm, if I did that to his stuff no matter what it was, he would have been beyond furious! SycamoreCircle - Ahhh yes, I remember those teenage days and what you wrote does make a lot of sense and totally get what you're saying but he is a grown adult acting like a damn child. To be exact on his age, he just turned 44 and I will be 35 in Oct. In regards to his career, he does work very hard and long hours and when he used to come home very tired, I assumed he was acting out from the lack of sleep and he mentioned numerous times, his job was getting to him and was draining - but it at least paid well in his opinion and the money meant more to him than his sanity. When that was going on, I even suggested maybe he moves onto something he wants to do (like cooking - was something he took pride in) and he kept saying no….. He was "fine" at where he was. In his early to mid 20's he dated a stripper (LOL - quality at it's finest) and then dumped her cause he walked in on her, hooking up with another guy! When he told me about his past when we first met, obviously - dating a stripper and what she did to him in the end, doesn't surprise me. When he met me and we clicked instantly, he used to write all these lovey dovey blog posts about how he never felt this way about any girl ever and I was once in his words "The greatest girl on the planet." In all his relationships prior to me, he was cheated on and taken advantage of - financial wise where he lived with a girl for just over a year - she made more money than him yet she never spent a dime on anything and he wound up in debt and moved back home with his parents for a few years. When we were together, I paid for a lot of things and he always said how much he loved how I wasn't like any girl from his past and he knew even during rough times (health wise (me) and not working outside of the home) I did whatever I could, on my part to help out. He always respected that and never argued about things of that nature. I also agree - that yes, he seems to want to live dangerously but UMMMMM - hanging out with a MARRIED LADY (pardon my language, but she is a wh*re) that has flirted with him for years and never respected her husband nor my once relationship with him - where she would write in all the years on his FB page how they need to hang out, grab some lunch or watch horror movies together because her husband didn't allow it…. LOL, back then he didn't respond to her and said she was getting annoying and needs to focus on her husband and to leave him alone. Funny how that worked out in the end. That's why I am still hurt, knowing he is hanging out and probably doing more than just being "friends" with this married lady. YES, out of sight, out of mind…. I know I shouldn't care anymore and after I gave him the boot on FB, it still lingers in my mind obviously, just WHY has he gone to such a low level? I find this ALL DISGUSTING!!!!! From disrespecting me, calling me nasty names, telling my neighbors some sh*t - cause they are acting very strange with me now and barely talking to me when in the past, they were so friendly and for him throwing away my stuff to now hanging out with this married b*tch and is now all buddy, buddy…with a guy who has literally done very wrong to me and put his hands on me. Almost socio-path like behavior! In my past with other EXes - nobody has ever been so nasty and cruel to me. I've dated guys in bands, a cop - a variety of ages, etc… and never have I gone through such heartache. The guy that was in a band was so immature and I wound up breaking up with him and he was hurt and angry, but we moved on and went our own ways without drama. This A_HOLE has been nothing but trying to continue to hurt me even when I went NC with him for almost 3 weeks and he went crazy on me via email. Now that all ties (cell phone plan to apartment lease is now all done with) I can move on and go NC.
foolinlove79 Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 Hi foolinlove79, Thank you for your response as well. I truly appreciate all the feedback on here and it helps to vent along with understanding that we're not alone and to know there are good people still out there. I am so sorry to hear what you're going through (((hugs))) but I admire your strength and know you will find happiness again ! I went almost 3 weeks of NC with him and was doing better and then he kept sending one email after another with "unfinished business" (ooohhhh, he didn't like being ignored) and now that chapter with the apartment lease has been closed/ paper was notarized… That day at the bank as I was leaving and got in my car, he tapped me on the shoulder and said "I'm still here…… not like I am going anywhere. You can call or whatever." I didn't respond other than thanking him for coming out of his way to meet me at the bank. As I know, that is breadcrumbs…. No meaning behind that BS line. Like his tiny little guilt in his heart to feed his ego by saying that. Right? Going back to NC and I completely agree 100% and will never forget how he treated me in the end. Mentally and physically have been such a mess since March and have days I don't want to get out of bed. But I push myself and face my fears (such as driving somewhere new) and have been traveling more and helps me see the world in a different light literally ! My EX used to say (when he had the nerve to talk about others) "Treat people the WAY they treat you!" I find it so ironic he used to hate several of my old friends since I was only invited to parties involving gifts for example and it used to upset him saying "Those girls aren't your friends. They are USING you for a damn gift!" In the end, I stopped going to those birthdays, etc… and said adios to all of them. Another favorite line he would always say "If you sh*t the bed, you lay in it!" He talks a lot of SMACK….. Maybe karma or whatever is going to hit him right back in the end. It has before ! Everyone breaks up differently. No bu is good but i think we feel traumatized by the way they treat us at the end and the callous and heartless way we are treated. In my case i was sent an email and that was it. Someone who i genuinely loved and cared for was just no longer there. It is hard but i think a lot of dealing with this is mental and we need to make the decision we are going to move on. I am now at the stage where i accept that chapter of my life is over. It is time to start another one... 1
Author LonelyGAL86 Posted August 11, 2015 Author Posted August 11, 2015 OP- I don't want to repeat what's already been said other than he had checked out a long time before ending it. The bigger concern should be you and putting this behind you. How are you progressing? You stated it's been 5 months since the end? What steps are you talking to put this fully in the rear view mirror and focus on your future? The B/U happened towards the end of March and I went out of state to visit and be with my family for awhile to try and heal. At that time, we both didn't know who was going to take over the apartment lease (which goes till the end of Oct) and then I made the decision and said since he wanted out - HE NEEDS TO GET THE heck out. While he was looking for a new apartment, etc…. is when I was out traveling and with my family and then he moved out the second week in June and since then - I have taken over, started working again (a real job) and now hanging out with a guy from my past who I have never dated per say, but we have some history. We're just friends although this guy is kind of a player and I have known this in all the years - I enjoy his company when we hang out but want nothing more/and vice versa. If that makes sense . When I'm out and about with friends or just running errands for example, I am in better spirits but all my family lives out of state and I feel very lonely at times. I already traveled across the US the past few months to be with them and we talk on the phone often but the loneliness is getting to me. My new job is currently a work from home and it's great to be able to set my own schedule as long as the hours they asked for are completed but I know I need to find something more active and to be around people. I have a hard time sitting or standing for long periods of time and my dad was the one who helped me get this current computer job, since he knew of the company and my situation. I miss hanging out with my friends but it's hard when everyone is married or living their busy lives and they will email me but every time I say "Lets hang out…." it's always something…. I don't have many close friends anymore and it's hard to meet good, quality people even as friends. I've tried the online route and the majority of guys are looking for just one thing…. Not interested - and I don't go to bars because I don't drink…. I should join a gym or something. My apartment lease goes up on OCT 31st and still don't know what I am going to do and if I stay in the Midwest where I am currently or move by my parents where the weather is nice and rent is far more affordable ! Seems like the wise choice but I am so used to everything here and when I went out of state and checked out some potential areas to move - I felt so lonely there even when I would talk to the locals and try to get a feeling for a new place, a new start - just didn't seem like my future "home"…
aloneinaz Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 I've been where you are in having an ugly break up with a not so nice woman. All my buddies where married and rarely went out. I had no single guys nor the desire to hang out in bars as I was in my 40's. I was also in between jobs at the time. I get what you're saying about the loneliness. I finally healed enough to start casually dating to get out of the house. I did the OLD thing and found it to be really beneficial in helping me get over the ex and improve my outlook. I was still livid at myself for the crap I tolerated from my ex and that I allowed her to end it, though it needed to be over. Fast forward a few months, many dates that including dating a couple gals multiple times and I met my now 2 year GF. It was the best thing I did (dating again) to put distance from my crazy ex and allow me to move forward. The other thing I did was after a couple of months post break up, I FORCED myself to STOP talking about her, trying to figure her out or anything else. Why? It didn't matter and certainly wouldn't change anything. A buddy said to me "she's someone's else's problem now". How true that statement was. 1
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