Hard time getting over a break up from (over) a year ago

[kreatine]

Warning!!! Long post ahead!

 

So, it's been over a year since my (first) boyfriend and I separated and I still have a hard time getting over the break up. Guess I need to vent a little bit and get convinced that I'm not abnormal/insane.

 

The story: Both of us are in our early-to-mid 20s, we met at a party, got along really well, started seeing each other daily. He was the first (and so far only) person I've clicked with on such a deep level - we got along wonderfully, had an insanely large amount of common interests and beliefs and really understood each other... or so I thought. About 2 weeks in he dropped the bomb that he doesn't want a relationship and that he's interested in another girl back home. Silly me decided to try winning the dude over. About 2 weeks after that 'incident' he went back to his hometown for a month. The aforementioned girl had a birthday and he went to the party, but messaged me late at night that everything 'felt wrong' and he went back home instead of staying at hers'. Sometime later he told me they talked about it and they've decided to be friends instead of trying to be in a relationship. He also admitted that he slept with her because he was 'technically still single', but he won't do it again since he doesn't like 'cheating on girls' (?!? major wtf moment).

 

A few weeks later he's back and things are almost back to normal, but he seems a bit colder than before - I thought it was because of the time we were apart. Moreover, he's still messaging the other girl (and another ex) but they're 'just friends' so I'm cool with it. A couple of weeks after that some of his friends ask him if we're an item and he decides on the spot, after asking me if I'm fine with it, that we're dating. Silly little me is insanely happy, but has to ask him what are we going to do with the relationship in a few months when the two of us would have to move away for university 500 km/300 miles apart. He drops the second bomb - he doesn't see a future because he's 'a needy guy', doesn't like LDRs and the relationship would be then over. Needless to say I was heartbroken, avoided him for days, then decided to play on his terms and continue the relationship which was a huge mistake imho. I also interrogated him and got to know that he actually wanted to stay over at that girls' after her birthday party, but after she said she's find a spot for him on the floor i.e. they wouldn't be sleeping together, he went back home pissed off and confused (then messaged me). After discovering this lie, if I so may call it, I stopped trusting him and the relationship was, needless to say, quite ****ty from then on.

 

Fast forward a few months and the two of us leave for our new lives in two different cities. No dramatic separation, no tears, just promises of ~meeting up sometime later~. He wanted to come visit me around Xmas since he had some work to do in my city, but I refused and told him I'd be too busy. By then I had already realised I never want to see his face again or hear from him again, so I began ignoring him in December and then completely deleted/blocked him everywhere a month later. I also threw away everything that reminded me of him (which was easy as there wasn't that much at all, he's not the gift-giving type and we weren't together that long either). He hadn't realised I've completely deleted him from my life, so he wrote me an email in spring asking how I'm doing and why I've been ignoring him after seeing that I've blocked his primary email account (he mailed me from another which I didn't know about), but I never replied to that letter.

The thing is, I know this guy was entirely wrong for me - he was making me feel insecure and unworthy in the relationship, I tried giving him everything and it still didn't feel like it was enough for him etc etc. I don't want to see him or speak to him ever again and yet there's not a single day that I don't miss him.

 

I've been trying to get over the relationship as hard as I can - starting over in a new town, being NC with him in over 7 months now, meeting new friends, casually dating a couple of people (realised it wasn't helping me and decided I should be on my own for a while), discovering new interests and hobbies, improving myself in every possible way, trying to learn what I did wrong in the relationship and teaching myself that I'm worth so much more than he could and was willing to give me. I went through all the possible phases of a breakup - hoping that he secretly wants me back and we'd get back together, hoping we'll never meet again, thinking he might've been 'the one' and that I've missed my chance at love, realizing there's no 'the one' and there are plenty of available people out there who would be so much better for me, realising that even though the last one is true I might still end up being forever alone and, ultimately, being completely ok with it since there are so many thing I want to do with my life and that's enough - I am enough on my own.

 

And still here I am, missing the relationship every day and wondering when will I truly get it over with. What am I doing wrong?

 

To everyone who reads this - thank you for your time. If you decide to reply and give me some advice - I'd buy you a coffee/drink and give you a 'thank you' note irl if I could.

[stupidkittten]

I had a relationship somewhat similar to this. It lasted 7 months but took me almost 2 years to fully get over and see it for what it was. The only difference is he acted like he was sooo in love with me, treated me like a cheater, while cheating on me (at least emotionally). I'm not sure why it took that long for me to get over it. I think maybe it's the intensity of the feelings, especially in the beginning that keep us hanging on. You're doing way better than me. I wasn't able to ignore him and even almost got back together with him a year later. Eventually you will find someone who connect with just as deeply. I know how cliche that is and how it doesn't do much good now, but as someone who has been in an extremely similiar situation, it gets so much better. The best thing I found was going on lots of dates just to have fun. Eventually you'll click with someone and it helps to be reminded that you're desirable.

[Poppyolive]

In sorry you're hurting.

 

You are right. This guy is absolutely not worth your time, love or thoughts. You have been on a rollercoaster led by him and in a sense you lost yourself. But you will come back stronger. One thing to learn for future relationships is strengthen your boundaries, don't be some ones option when they are your number one.

 

It sounds like you are doing all the right things, give it time. Please remember, each time you're hurting, angry and reminiscing about your relationship you are in fact working through a new layer bringing you closer to healing. It's not necessarily the same cycle over and over. So, please be gentle with yourself.

 

What helped me/helps me is writing.buy yourself a new funky notebook. Start a gratitude journal. Writing a few sentences daily of all the beauty and things you're greatful for. This will help shift your thoughts. Bringing about more peace. Also, there is a great workbook called "calling in the one" when you're ready, that might be something for you to do.

 

One more thing,

Keep up the no contact. Don't let that mothersucker into your healing bubble

[kreatine]

@stupidkittten -- thanks so so much for this reply! I'm so sorry that you've had to go through a very similar relationship and break up, I know it's really hard getting over such a case. Thank you for sharing and for making me feel less like a freaky exception in the dating world - none of my friends or acquaintances have been so 'lucky' in their first relationship so I was really bummed that I cannot ask anyone for advice and support.

 

@ Poppyolive -- thank you for the reply too! Also thanks for the advice, especially the one about strengthening my boundaries - I reached the conclusion on my own but it's very important to remember it. Also I guess I do need more time to fully heal, very good insight there...

About writing as a helping tool for the healing process - I'm more of a musician so the guitar is what really helped me during the first couple of months after the separation. Guess each has his/her own method

and I promise you I'm not breaking the NC rule - that mothersucker as you called him doesn't deserve even an millisecond more of my time, nor even a tiny bit of my attention ^^

 

Thank you both for the replies and I hope you're having a lovely day

Edited July 27, 2015 by kreatine

[lonelyroad]

same thing happened here all of this still hurts me..so i started dating this girl that i knew for a while in the middle of January and we really love each other.. but recently we just broke up a month ago because things just didn't work out... first thing what had happened was that she was acting strange because she friend-zoned but still love me just so she could focus on her work. i understand that she was busy, but that's when things started to hurt me... she REALLY did start to treat me not like a boyfriend. she would barley say that she loves me... and would say we don't have the same interests... she had never said that when we first started dating... she calls me and apologizes of what she did and i was okay with it.. (while that call was going on she ends up hanging up on me while im talking. and lies and said she couldn't hear me...) days later we were texting and she said that i and her don't have the same interests. (again she never said this before and we know each other) when she said that she made me feel like i wasn't enough for her because we didn't have the same interests and made me feel like she needed someone like her exceptions... this made me lead to sadness and doubted her that she never loved me but in the end it feels like hurt her more than her hurting me. so she broke up with me and said that she would get a boyfriend later on in life... turned out she was already dating someone else a month later... so is all of this my fault am i the that has to be ashamed of doubting her... im just stuck...