Seralynette Posted July 27, 2015 Posted July 27, 2015 Hi there, my name's Candy. I think I'll go with bullet format as my memories flood in. I am by no means justifying myself, but simply explaining why things are - in my opinion - irreparable. - I met him on a dating site and after a few days of texting back and forth on a mobile chatting app, we decided to meet up for burgers (so romantic, I know). - The second date, briefly after he professed his romantic feelings for me and concern for my health (I have anemia but I ignored it), we went to grab McDonalds, and then I stayed overnight at his place. We simply cuddled. - He suggested I drop my Japanese classes because it would serve me no help in the brighter route he had planned for me. - We had a quickly budding relationship and promptly moved in together after a week of being together after he suggested it, when my landlord's wife and my father were giving me grief about the quarters. - One day his receptionist just upped and left the position, and I offered to fill in while he looks for a substitute. I tried for a day, decided I didn't particularly enjoy interacting with his clients, and expressed my desire to housekeep for him instead in exchange for my stay. - Subsequently my procrastinator habits and sub-par housekeeping skills got the best of him and he started lashing out. The first red flag for me was: "If I was your boss I would fire you." The second came very quickly after, when he was throwing a tantrum by being rough with an item and scratched up the table. I made a comment on it and in exchange I was told, "It's my table! If you don't like to be talked down on pack up your **** and get the **** out of my house!" - He also said how I'm "immature" and I "need to grow up" because I lounge around all day 'doing nothing'. I know depression isn't an excuse to be a piece of useless human shell, but I was starting to miss socializing with people like my siblings, my friends - and the only human I've talked to for the past weeks was only him and him alone. Maybe his mother too briefly on some days. I was lonely and sad and unmotivated, and quite frankly didn't like how every time I didn't pick up his mess he would say, "You're supposed to do this for me!" (as his housekeeper, and PA I suppose). - My "moodiness" comes off as being a "bitch" to him. I apologized and cried and he said he feels empty for me but he's willing to try. - Soon after, I made plans to move out by the end of August and told him my plans to slow down our relationship and take a cooler, then see how things go. He was unhappy that I would be moving out, and every time we went grocery shopping together, he insists I call the house "our home". - I started behaving more diligently for his sake and my own. Revised his notes for him, re-cleaned up the cutlery even though he washed them himself because they were still greasy and had particles on them (never told him because I don't want to hurt his feelings), swept and mopped the house whenever he's out (also didn't tell him), and pester him to throw his clothes out for me to do the laundry for his part as well (he admitted to me that he never washes his shirts and just uses cologne on them!). - I once mentioned that I support Flash, while he's Team HTML5. Some days later he pulled up an article that was bashing on Flash and went "Ha!" in my face. I couldn't see much of his point except for the fact that he was hard on "being right". Just because he's 6 years older than me, and I'm only 20, I guess. - Occasionally he'd ask me to do some things, and being a procrastinator and unmotivated person that I am, I would cheekily suggest he reward me with anything if I fulfill his wish. (A reward system; like a kiss or a hug or just a compliment!) His reaction? "No. I'd rather do it myself. I don't want to spend my time thinking (on what reward to give you)." - We were watching LotR and he mimicked the Hobbit patting his friend's shoulder on my shoulder out of the blue (like a bro thing). It made me feel very awkward and made him appear very childish to me, but hey, he liked the film so much so I let it slide. - Last night, he called back home and asked me to do a research for his business, and I did. When he came back home, I was still halfway drawing out a framework for the second half of my collection, and stopped to re-heat dinner for him. - Not only did he not appreciate that on top of having to take self-help courses (for my depression and procrastination), clean the house after we had guests in the afternoon, and taking down notes for him, I (re-)made dinner for him, he showed no signs of appreciation at all. - I don't know what came crashing down on me, because I usually make little efforts around the house without expecting anything from him, but I sulked. I decided to get away from him in the dining room and went to continue working on the notes he wanted in the living room. - He asked me, "What's wrong? Was it something I said?" To which I said, "Nothing." (I know, it's such a bad thing to do... but I don't want to confront him about something I believed would just blow over!) - Then, he started expressing anger in his actions by being rougher and louder with every move he made. Not on me, but the objects he was interacting with. - I asked him if he was angry. And he said he was annoyed with me. Again. Started raising his voice. He went to take a shower and went upstairs into our bedroom. I took a shower a little while after and decided to let my hair dry out while I read some articles to wind down on the sofa in the living room. - He later came downstairs to use the toilet (although there's one upstairs as well ...??). Went back into the room. And then I heard it. HE LOCKED THE DOOR. - Wtf. I had already been planning to just cuddle him in bed and forget about the fuss after my hair dries out, but he locked me out. I told myself, "This is it. I'm tired of dealing with his tantrums when he doesn't get what he wants." - I slept in the guest room and come morning at 5 thirty in the morning, he came in and was all smiles, wanting to make up without so much as a sorry at all. Like I was the one who should be grateful he's big-hearted enough to pretend it never happened. He wanted to touch me, but I wrapped myself up in my (YES, MY) duvet. "What do you want?" - "I want to say goodbye [before I go off to the seminar]." It was a seminar he invited me to go as his +1, but blew off after last night without so much as a "I'm waking at 5 in the morning tomorrow and I'll be going at 6." instead of "we". - "Okay. Goodbye." was my response. His reply was a hiss or a growl or grunt. Whatever it was, he left and I went on to do laundry for my own clothes. I was, and am ready to pack up my "****" and "get the **** out" - as his words had come. - I no longer wish to depend on him even though some of his advice for my future made solid sense, and really, who doesn't grow fed up with being talked down on on a regular basis? He was different from the guy who courted me, but insists that he's the same person. So hats off! Right now, I just want to ask for opinions on how I should let him know that instead of waiting until the end of August, I've decided to move out while he's at the seminar (which he will be attending for 3 days), and that I've decided I no longer wish to be in a relationship with him. Thank you so much for the time.
Gus Grimly Posted July 27, 2015 Posted July 27, 2015 You could send him an e-mail or leave a hand written letter at his house where he can easily find it. The respectable way to break it off would be to do it in person. If you are trying to avoid a face to face confrontation, I'd say just go with the disappearing act. I believe he will get the message when he returns from the seminar to find that you and all your belongings are curiously absent from his home.
StalwartMind Posted July 27, 2015 Posted July 27, 2015 I'm sorry to tell you this but, that guy has some issues. If that's what people these days tolerate and accept, then my hats of to you for doing so. I however find most of what you mentioned to be enough reason to leave long ago. He seems keen on lecturing you about what you are, but he should try have a good look in the mirror. If I treated my woman like that, I would encourage her to send me on a ship with the course into a black hole. The more anyone tolerate poor behavior, and to let someone else believe they are better than you, then they will keep enforcing their power/ego trip. If you are unhappy with something or someone's behavior, you communicate it in a healthy way to said part. Threatening, insulting, belittling a partner really has no place in a relationship, well a healthy one if you ask me. Everyone handles fights differently, personally I have no interest in relationships with drama, especially such as you mentioned, no matter what though, there are no "winners" in an argument. The whole point of any misunderstanding or disagreement, is for both parts to learn each other better and understand what caused it to happen in the first place. I'm sure people can make relationships work without caring or trying to see a situation from the other parts perspective, but to me such relationships typically just keep bringing problems come back. To answer your actual question towards the end, I'd say it doesn't really matter, but if you feel he'd explode in your face or react negatively, then just call him when you have moved out. You don't need to listen to hostile words more than you have to, if things had been smother or better then this wouldn't even be a problem in the first place. Don't let people treat you like crap or talk down to you, you can do a lot better. There are much better material out there, even if that's not for me to decide or tell you, but on a persona note yeah, I've met many other men who have much better manners. Being 26 is no excuse although many will think it is. You don't deserve to be treated poorly, nor does anyone else really. Worst case if you don't feel like dealing with him, just leave a note or mail him. I can't imagine any potential drama being worth your time, especially if he tries to put you down, no "real" man does such.
Author Seralynette Posted July 27, 2015 Author Posted July 27, 2015 You could send him an e-mail or leave a hand written letter at his house where he can easily find it. The respectable way to break it off would be to do it in person. If you are trying to avoid a face to face confrontation, I'd say just go with the disappearing act. I believe he will get the message when he returns from the seminar to find that you and all your belongings are curiously absent from his home. I guess that plan just flew out of the window because he came back at around 8PM on the same day! I'm baffled as to why he returned because he took his toothbrush and other toiletries with him so it was obvious that he planned to stay overnight wherever he fancied for the next two days.
Author Seralynette Posted July 27, 2015 Author Posted July 27, 2015 I'm sorry to tell you this but, that guy has some issues. If that's what people these days tolerate and accept, then my hats of to you for doing so. I however find most of what you mentioned to be enough reason to leave long ago. He seems keen on lecturing you about what you are, but he should try have a good look in the mirror. If I treated my woman like that, I would encourage her to send me on a ship with the course into a black hole. The more anyone tolerate poor behavior, and to let someone else believe they are better than you, then they will keep enforcing their power/ego trip. If you are unhappy with something or someone's behavior, you communicate it in a healthy way to said part. Threatening, insulting, belittling a partner really has no place in a relationship, well a healthy one if you ask me. Everyone handles fights differently, personally I have no interest in relationships with drama, especially such as you mentioned, no matter what though, there are no "winners" in an argument. The whole point of any misunderstanding or disagreement, is for both parts to learn each other better and understand what caused it to happen in the first place. I'm sure people can make relationships work without caring or trying to see a situation from the other parts perspective, but to me such relationships typically just keep bringing problems come back. To answer your actual question towards the end, I'd say it doesn't really matter, but if you feel he'd explode in your face or react negatively, then just call him when you have moved out. You don't need to listen to hostile words more than you have to, if things had been smother or better then this wouldn't even be a problem in the first place. Don't let people treat you like crap or talk down to you, you can do a lot better. There are much better material out there, even if that's not for me to decide or tell you, but on a persona note yeah, I've met many other men who have much better manners. Being 26 is no excuse although many will think it is. You don't deserve to be treated poorly, nor does anyone else really. Worst case if you don't feel like dealing with him, just leave a note or mail him. I can't imagine any potential drama being worth your time, especially if he tries to put you down, no "real" man does such. Yes... unfortunately I kept convincing myself that he was doing it for my own good, since he would constantly bring up how he burnt bridges with a mentor after the older man "had had enough of his immaturity" and told him what a, in summary, piece of **** he was, and that that was only more or less half a year ago. He claims that he wants to do the same for me so that I can become 'stronger' like he now has as well. I keep telling him that because of my very, very messed up family, it's not easy for me to bristle away my personal demons (and esteem issues), and he inadvertently told me it's an excuse because he "had a disturbing background as well" since his parents were most of the time busy with earning income for the good-living of the entire family. Honestly, I found that an unfair comparison because my parents were verbally and sometimes physically abusive, and constantly threatened to throw me out of the house and regretting they adopted me. His was pretty much salvation if the choice was given to the Young Me. (Frustrated.) I did think of calling him after I moved out to a friend's place for a month (before my own new home is ready at the end of August), but I fret about the keys since it would be costly to just have them parcel over one set of them back to this place. Now all that is moot point since he is back in the house. It's simply daunting for me that the mere sight of his car driving to the house gate frightened me so much that my hands would shake as I try to put up the curtains for him (since when we moved in, it was a new, semi-unfurnished building) as my last deed for him. I would talk to him straight up about it except the way he would look at me kills me bit by bit even if I firmly remind myself that he is not worth my heartache any more.
mightycpa Posted July 27, 2015 Posted July 27, 2015 (edited) What took you so long? Imagining I was in your shoes, I was out by the end of this snippet: Hi there, my name's Candy. I think I'll go with bullet format as my memories flood in. I am by no means justifying myself, but simply explaining why things are - in my opinion - irreparable. - I met him on a dating site and after a few days of texting back and forth on a mobile chatting app, we decided to meet up for burgers (so romantic, I know). - The second date, briefly after he professed his romantic feelings for me .... because on the second date, THAT is a RED FLAG! A boy can say he likes you, yes, but romantic feelings? That means he either just wants some sex, or he is a WEIRDO, which is what happened in your case. Even if the romantic stuff was not that strong, and you let it go, then this next RED FLAG should have looked like an exit sign to you: - He suggested I drop my Japanese classes because it would serve me no help in the brighter route he had planned for me.WOOP! WOOP! WOOP! PSYCHO ALERT! EVACUATE THE AREA! EVACUATE THE AREA IMMEDIATELY! After that, your story reads like the opening ceremonies of the Olympics, there are so many red flags a-waving. Did you do the right thing? No. You hung around way too long. Have you finally done the right thing? Absolutely. Get the **** out of there, and be ready to get mean with him, because he's going to come at you with both barrels for "betraying" him. Don't fall for that ****. Cut him out of your life with a machete. Edited July 27, 2015 by mightycpa 2
Author Seralynette Posted July 28, 2015 Author Posted July 28, 2015 @mightycpa I didn't know professing romantic feelings was a weird thing. D: The only thing that startled me (before I brushed it off unwisely) was how soon it was. Looking back, you ARE right. I let myself be maltreated too long. So much that I barely even remember how it feels to be happy in my own skin without having to convince myself. I've already asked a friend to let me shack with him (he's a platonic friend!) at his duplex and he's OK with the idea, as well as picking me up from this place all the way back to state my sister goes to school in (which is about two hours away by car). My ex-classmates from the Japanese course are worried about me as well because I "vanished" all of a sudden (since the guy told me they're useless networks if they don't help me with my future). If one thing came out of this, it's knowing I have some support at least... I've always felt bad that he pays for most of the things, even when I offer half the times. I felt like a mistress, or a pet whom his family perceived as the "first girlfriend he brought home" ... but this relationship has thought me that it doesn't matter if the guy is willing to support you temporarily (so far it's been 3 weeks he's doing this) - because respect comes first. I hope anyone who is reading this and is always going through something similar (though I doubt, because it's embarrassing to realise how pathetic my case is) will make the decision to respect yourself again as well. --- Thank you to all who dropped their valuable two cents in, for solidifying my intention to save myself from this emotionally draining relationship.
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