bf unsure of marriage/ broke up/ did I do the right thing?

July 27, 2015

Am I suppose to be waiting for a proposal to get back with him or just him saying he's sure is enough?

I'm not waiting for the actual proposal as I have said. I was't expecting him to be like ah we broke up now I know I want to propose. The break up is space for him to figure it out.

Do you see the contradiction?

And I repeat, a man who truly loves a woman has no doubts and has nothing to test. Would you be happy if he told you in 3 years lets say "I slept with 10 women, I figured they were not as good as you, now I'm proposing to you"?

July 27, 2015

If it is asked as a question I don't see any contradiction. Like I said I just made the post to see people's opinion or even if others have gone through the same thing. I was simply asking advice.

I don't think thats true. I actually think that people don't tell their significant other their doubts but wait it out. I think a guy really knows when he is buying the ring.

Edited July 27, 2015 by feelinglost1

July 27, 2015

he is unsure if he could actually date someone. Thats what I'm saying. Thats why I broke up with him. He knows he loves me.

1) In fact he has said it on his own since I broke up with him,

he does see having children with me, he does see a future and marriage. I think he just wants to be sure this is it. And maybe he is thinking how do I figure this out

2) maybe I should date other people and then Ill know. I think he just wants to know.

I'm not waiting for the actual proposal as I have said. I was't expecting him to be like ah we broke up now I know I want to propose.

3) The break up is space for him to figure it out.

Just a couple more thoughts and I'm done:

1) I was wondering about that. Because of all the things you mentioned that he said when you broke up, I did not read the word love. I assumed you just omitted it for the sake of brevity. But if a breakup is what it took to get him over that hump, I'd have my doubts. You may be a great mom and a great partner and all that, but if I don't love you, then I shouldn't marry you, regardless.

2) A long history of dating is how I knew that grass was likely not greener anywhere else. But that is really a different question than "do I want to marry this one?" I had a girlfriend like that - on paper, a 100% keeper, but in real life, that one intangible was missing, so I hesitated about marriage. The grass wasn't greener when I was with her, either; she was ****ing awesome. I left her to follow my heart, not for greener pastures. When it was all said and done, I knew my heart was never with Ms. Perfect to begin with. That was the real issue that made me hesitate. Keep in mind that nobody knows for sure. Life is risk and the future is unknowable.

Maybe this is the situation you find yourself in.

3) If he does figure it out, and he wants you, and you want to know about it, you need to leave a path open for that. NC generally does not provide that path to the dumpee, which is him in this case. He might set up a little NC wall of his own, in which case you're done. Because NC says that when he contacts you, you don't contact him back. So I'm not sure what the signal is, but you ought to have one.

Good luck with this one, OP.

July 27, 2015

There are always exceptions, Not everyone is the same. Some will know right away others won't. One's previous dating and relationship experience can also have an effect.

July 27, 2015

Just a couple more thoughts and I'm done:

1) I was wondering about that. Because of all the things you mentioned that he said when you broke up, I did not read the word love. I assumed you just omitted it for the sake of brevity. But if a breakup is what it took to get him over that hump, I'd have my doubts. You may be a great mom and a great partner and all that, but if I don't love you, then I shouldn't marry you, regardless.

2) A long history of dating is how I knew that grass was likely not greener anywhere else. But that is really a different question than "do I want to marry this one?" I had a girlfriend like that - on paper, a 100% keeper, but in real life, that one intangible was missing, so I hesitated about marriage. The grass wasn't greener when I was with her, either; she was ****ing awesome. I left her to follow my heart, not for greener pastures. When it was all said and done, I knew my heart was never with Ms. Perfect to begin with. That was the real issue that made me hesitate. Keep in mind that nobody knows for sure. Life is risk and the future is unknowable.

Maybe this is the situation you find yourself in.

3) If he does figure it out, and he wants you, and you want to know about it, you need to leave a path open for that. NC generally does not provide that path to the dumpee, which is him in this case. He might set up a little NC wall of his own, in which case you're done. Because NC says that when he contacts you, you don't contact him back. So I'm not sure what the signal is, but you ought to have one.

Good luck with this one, OP.

No, actually he told me he loved me while were dating and not official yet. Some times the grass can be greener if the relationship isn't a good one. It's just accepting to let go. This relationship is really good tho.

We actually haven't kept NC. Maybe I should have just said to have space and let him think before an actual break up.

Edited July 27, 2015 by feelinglost1

July 27, 2015

I dont agree. If your relationship is good I dont see the reason to end it while waiting. And when I say waiting I dont mean forever rather than giving him a deadline that suits both of you.

If your relationship is really that good, there is no need to issue an ultimatum, I mean... a deadline.

Because the way you are saying it... it totally reads like ultimatum, because sure, that'll help when she says, "Okay, let's stay together, but you need to have this figured out by 07/27/2016. Sound good?"

Yeah, very genuine.

If he hasn't figured it out by Year 2. He probably won't by Year 3.

July 27, 2015

If your relationship is really that good, there is no need to issue an ultimatum, I mean... a deadline.

Because the way you are saying it... it totally reads like ultimatum, because sure, that'll help when she says, "Okay, let's stay together, but you need to have this figured out by 07/27/2016. Sound good?"

Yeah, very genuine.

If he hasn't figured it out by Year 2. He probably won't by Year 3.

They don't even live together. How can they know they will be good together if they get married? I never said "if you don't figure it out till that date we will break up no matter what". I said "from now on we take our relationship more seriously, we start to be together with the idea of possibly getting married in X time and lets move in together and see how the relationship can work on an every day basis". If after this time he is still hesitant, then yes, she should move on. But from what she said she suddenly decided she wants to marry him, she asked him whether he agrees, he is unsure for various reasons and she breaks up with him to punish him for his uncertainty.

July 27, 2015

Hi feelinglost1,

I'm feeling very conflicted about your situation!

On one hand, I'm increasingly a big believer in going with my gut instincts, especially when it comes to personal dealbreakers (no matter how wacky they may be - we all have them!).

On the other hand, I do wonder if you jumped the gun a bit on this. I may have missed something and I'm sorry for that, but I couldn't tell by your posts if he had told you he wasn't sure about marriage because you brought it up or he brought it up. Because there's a BIG difference there.

If he started talking about your relationship and genuinely unprompted said he wasn't sure he could see a future with you then yeah, you probably saved yourself further agony down the road.

If however, you brought up the future and marriage and all kinds of stuff that might apply pressure to a guy who a) is still quite young and b) hasn't had as much relationship experience as you have, then I think you shot yourself a bit in the foot. He never said he wanted to be with anyone else - he just might not be ready for marriage YET, even to his best best best friend. At 26, I would've been hard-pressed to get married even if Ryan Gosling got down on one knee. It's a huge commitment.

Look, it's totally up to you in the end, but he didn't want to break up - YOU made that choice. So I'm HOPING you've gone NC because you have ultimately decided to move on. Because anything else would be strange.

July 27, 2015

They don't even live together. How can they know they will be good together if they get married? I never said "if you don't figure it out till that date we will break up no matter what". I said "from now on we take our relationship more seriously, we start to be together with the idea of possibly getting married in X time and lets move in together and see how the relationship can work on an every day basis". If after this time he is still hesitant, then yes, she should move on. But from what she said she suddenly decided she wants to marry him, she asked him whether he agrees, he is unsure for various reasons and she breaks up with him to punish him for his uncertainty.[/quote

I disagree with the living together part. I have lived with someone and I can say how someone treats you regaurdless of if you live together says alot about the relationship. From experience I think communication is one of the bigest things in a relationship. How either people act when one of you disagrees with what the other person says is big in a relationship. How you respect one another's space is big in a relationship. We do all of these things. People change reguardless if you live with them or not before marriage.

July 27, 2015

Hi feelinglost1,

I'm feeling very conflicted about your situation!

On one hand, I'm increasingly a big believer in going with my gut instincts, especially when it comes to personal dealbreakers (no matter how wacky they may be - we all have them!).

On the other hand, I do wonder if you jumped the gun a bit on this. I may have missed something and I'm sorry for that, but I couldn't tell by your posts if he had told you he wasn't sure about marriage because you brought it up or he brought it up. Because there's a BIG difference there.

If he started talking about your relationship and genuinely unprompted said he wasn't sure he could see a future with you then yeah, you probably saved yourself further agony down the road.

If however, you brought up the future and marriage and all kinds of stuff that might apply pressure to a guy who a) is still quite young and b) hasn't had as much relationship experience as you have, then I think you shot yourself a bit in the foot. He never said he wanted to be with anyone else - he just might not be ready for marriage YET, even to his best best best friend. At 26, I would've been hard-pressed to get married even if Ryan Gosling got down on one knee. It's a huge commitment.

Look, it's totally up to you in the end, but he didn't want to break up - YOU made that choice. So I'm HOPING you've gone NC because you have ultimately decided to move on. Because anything else would be strange.

I could tell something has been bothering him. He hasn't acted different . Has still said I love you. Has been as thoughtful as I have posted previously. He really does take care of me. I actually wrote in a previous post that we haven't gone NC. I broke up with him because I want to give the opportunity to see if he wants to date other people. He said it crossed his mind but he doesnt know if he could. If he would and I still want things to work then it will work if not then it wasnt meant to be.

July 27, 2015

Please if you are going to post a comment. Please read the previous comments as I have explained much more in them to help you better understand the situation. I also realize that this is between him and I that no one else really knows our personalities or that I didn't break up with him to get a proposal in return as I have said many times. That I am not going to get my answer on from a forum. Maybe if i was the dumpee I wouldve found clear cut advice to follow. Some times people arent always selfish and I broke up with him to give him space, maybe I should have just taken a "break" from him verses a break up. but really what difference does it make? and then you have the oh what is acceptable on a "break". We have very good communication between the two of us. I love him and I just have to see what happens and what we both want. I need him to figure out if he wants to date other people or not and then we can go from there.

July 27, 2015

I could tell something has been bothering him. He hasn't acted different . Has still said I love you. Has been as thoughtful as I have posted previously. He really does take care of me. I actually wrote in a previous post that we haven't gone NC. I broke up with him because I want to give the opportunity to see if he wants to date other people. He said it crossed his mind but he doesnt know if he could. If he would and I still want things to work then it will work if not then it wasnt meant to be.

Sorry feelinglost, I'm still not clear as to who initiated the conversation about marriage and the future (blame it on the Monday blahs). You said you could tell something was bothering him - is that when he said he wasn't sure about marrying you or dating other people? Or did you ask him point blank: do you see us getting married some day? Do you want to date other people?

I know it sounds like I'm parsing, but it's important. Allow me to generalize a bit about people (sorry, humanity): sometimes, perhaps because of our own insecurity, we create problems that aren't really there. What I mean is, what if he never considered dating anyone else or marriage-potential until you brought it up and cornered him? Not meanly, not even intentionally, but still forced the issue. My back against the wall, I might be really unsure of the answer to those questions too.

Take it for what it's worth coming from a total stranger: be REALLY sure of what led to the conversation that culminated in the breakup.

No matter what, much love to you - I know it can't be easy!

July 27, 2015

I know it sounds like I'm parsing, but it's important.

I don't mean to sound prosecutorial, but please state your name for the record.

July 27, 2015

That is the toughest thing a woman/man can ever say.

I know it hurt you and has affected you, but this isn't the end of the world.

Other things will happen and will change your fate.

Keep your head up.

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