bf unsure of marriage/ broke up/ did I do the right thing?

[feelinglost1]

hi everyone! thanks for clicking on my post. all opinions greatly appreciated!

 

 

I am a 26 year old female. I was dating my best friend for two years. He was my best friend for a few years before we stated dating. I wanted to date a few months before making it official. He was patient and understood. After a few months I felt like I could commit. I have had previous long and short relationships, longest being 4 years and that is why I was careful before I jumped into any new relationship. In previous relationships I never had that feeling like I could marry that person. Of course with the person I dated for 4 years it crossed my mind but there were always things in previously relationships that made me doubt marriage with them. With my bestfriend it was different. There was a certain compatiablity that he and I felt like we never had with anyone else. He would run in the middle of the night to get me medicine if I was not feeling well. I didn't have to ask. ( we do not live together) He has always been thoughtful in that way. This guy was different. I don't know when it happened probably within the past year that I thought I could really marry this guy.

 

My bf has talked about a future as well. However, he said yesterday he is unsure if he wanted to 100 percent marry me. He has been feeling a bit of guilt for this unsureness. He didn't say this but Im just informing whoever reading this he has not dated as much as me. Our relationship has been his longest so I am thinking this is the grass is greener syndrome. I know that feeling of being unsure I told him that I love him I respect his feeling I wasn't mad( and I still am not) but I told him that it isn't fair to either one of us to stay together ( I did cry) He was surprised at me saying this. He asked why? and he cried. He didn't want to break up. I said I want to give him his space to let him figure things out but I can't promise I would wait because who knows how long it will take him. I must add that he said, "he knows he loves me, a part of him does see marrying me", (but that part that is unsure worries me). He also said, "he can picture having a family with me that I'd be a great mom, that I am a great person". I have also gotten close to his family. I hang out with his sister even without him. It really was an amazing relationship and I think it has alot to do with us really knowing each other before dating. We did disagree from time to time however it was always with respect. We really acknowledged each other's feelings. I have not pressured him into getting married or have never forced a time frame of when to get married. So I am not sure what has really got him thinking about this. I did ask if he had feelings for someone else. I know alot of times that could be a factor in the grass is greener but he said he only has feelings for me.

 

For me I feel like I don't want to be an option. I don't want to stay with him for even more years and have him be thinking what it would be like with someone else... to me that would be like stringing me along. My thinking is that he needs to live without me. Otherwise staying with him will delay him being sure and maybe not even allow him to decide. So I guess I'm wondering did I make the right decision by breaking up with him? I have also gone no contact.

[Phoenixashes]

I think you did. Once someone drops a "I'm not sure about the future " kind of comment, they have usually been thinking about it for some time and just got brave enough to say...could be fear a step before it gets super serious or him heading toward the end.

 

So he didn't outwardly express "finding himself" or anything, just not being 100% sure? Did he offer to work on it or has he reached out since no contact? I know it has only been a day

[feelinglost1]

He didn't mention anything about finding himself. He said he can't picture his life with anyone else however, obviously there is still type of uncertainty so that is why I was thinking that this the grass is greener syndrome. He didn't want to break up. He offered to call me today but I told him that it would be best for him not too.

[feelinglost1]

Because of my previous relationships I feel like I understand how important NC is. I am trying to do whats best for me however, I don't know what the next step would be if he would decide to be sure of marrying me. Am I suppose to be waiting for a proposal to get back with him or just him saying he's sure is enough? Because I wasn't demanding or pressuring him to marry me. Just in a previous conversation had mention that I could see marrying him and he agreed as well. So this must be something that he is going through and has been thinking about marriage.

Edited July 27, 2015 by feelinglost1

[mightycpa]

You know, I get that you were hurt and all, but before you pull the handle and flush this relationship right down the toilet, maybe you want to think about that next step. It seems to me that you need to understand what this "not 100% sure" is all about.

 

Maybe he's just a communicative type of guy, and he presumed a level of intimacy with you where ANYTHING could be discussed in good faith, which apparently does not yet exist. Maybe he just wanted to flesh out his feelings on the subject because he couldn't really do it by himself, and he was hoping you could help him. Maybe even hoping you could help reassure him.

 

Maybe he's got serious doubts, but it doesn't seem like you fleshed out exactly what they are. You owe it to him, and to yourself, to maybe have a difficult discussion about it before you turn your back on him.

 

I don't know the guy, so I don't know how out of character this is. I have a feeling you may have overreacted, understandably, but still, overreacted.

 

I think it's worth a discussion. At least you'll understand it better than you do right now.

[feelinglost1]

Do I have to quick reply to a previous commenter for them to see my reply?

Edited July 27, 2015 by feelinglost1

[feelinglost1]

I respect your opinion and I totally get why you think what you do. We infact had a discussion I don't know even know how long few hours I suppose. I didn't want to make my post pages long. I was asking all types of questions are you still attracted me? did I do something to make you feel differently? Not to persuade him but just to try to understand as best as I can. Basically what it came down too is the fact he isn't 100 percent sure and its bothering him. He wants to be 100 percent sure.

 

To me that sounded like something I can't help him with. He is thinking is this it? I am afraid of this getting dragged out if I stay with him. He has always said he would never cheat on me and I do believe him but why allow to be an option? or for him to further years down the road say you know what I'm unsure. I feel like unsureness can lead to not just sexual cheating but emotional cheating. At least breaking up gives him the opportunity to see if he wants to date other people to see if this is it. It also lets him realize what life would be like without me.

[feelinglost1]

Edit* previous post wouldnt let me edit.

 

I respect your opinion and I totally get why you think what you do. We infact had a discussion I don't know even know how long few hours I suppose. I didn't want to make my post pages long. I was asking all types of questions are you still attracted me? did I do something to make you feel differently? He said he doesn't feel any different about me. Not to persuade him but just to try to understand as best as I can. Basically what it came down too is the fact he isn't 100 percent sure and its bothering him. He wants to be 100 percent sure.

 

To me that sounded like something I can't help him with. He is thinking is this it? I am afraid of this getting dragged out if I stay with him. He has always said he would never cheat on me and I do believe him but why allow to be an option? or for him to further years down the road say you know what I'm unsure. I feel like unsureness can lead to not just sexual cheating but emotional cheating. At least breaking up gives him the opportunity to see if he wants to date other people to see if this is it. It also lets him realize what life would be like without me.

Edited July 27, 2015 by feelinglost1

[minimariah]

i think you did the right thing.

 

both with breaking it off AND no contact.

 

it might seem too sudden, but it isn't -- trust me.

 

just keep doing your thing, focus on YOU & that's it. i think it's great that you too communicated so well but... it just wasn't meant to be.

 

don't settle for anything less than a man who will know in his bones that YOU are what he 100% wants. no doubts.

[Jacob_Duluoz]

He was surprised at me saying this. He asked why? and he cried. He didn't want to break up. I said I want to give him his space to let him figure things out but I can't promise I would wait because who knows how long it will take him. I must add that he said, "he knows he loves me, a part of him does see marrying me", (but that part that is unsure worries me)...I have also gone no contact.

 

Seems like an abrupt stop. Other than him not being sure that he wanted to marry you, were there any other issues? If the goal is to get him to be sure, surely he's questioning why you would treat him like that. Is he still trying to contact you? Were you expecting him to propose on the spot? How was he supposed to react?

[feelinglost1]

I put this post in break ups as well and someone wrote that I may have over reacted another person wrote that they think I did the right thing. The person that wrote that I should really find out why he is unsure. I then asked him. He said he doesn't know why he is unsure, just that he has been thinking about marriage. That he wants to be sure. He said "I still love you" I actually asked him if he thought he needed to date other people. He said he has thought about it however he doesn't know if he could. So to me breaking up with him allows him to figure it out. NC . To see what its like to live without me. He's the one that is unsure and wants to be sure you know? I never pressured him or demanded marriage to him. It has come up in conversation and we both agreed that we could marry eachother. It just seems that now I am more sure than him. I wasn't expecting him to propose still not expecting that. This seems to me that he wants to be sure but doesn't know how to come to that decision. There have been no other issues of course we disagree on things but it is always with respect. Never yelled or degraded one another. This happen saturday night so still fresh he offered that night to call me Sunday but I told him it was best he didn't.

[feelinglost1]

I must also say I did ask him that Saturday night why he thought he was unsure. He didn't know so when I saw the post from the other commentor I reasked him making sure I didn't miss anything that he said. We did talk for quite awhile Saturday night. I was asking all kinds of questions if he felt differently about me? did I do something wrong? did he have feelings for someone else? He told me he didn't feel differently about me. That I didn't do anything wrong, he only had feelings for me, i asked if he was still attracted to me. he said yes. It just sounds like cold feet of deepening the relationship. But how is he suppose to figure it out? If i stayed with him isnt that prolonging his unsureness?

Edited July 27, 2015 by feelinglost1

[Phoenician]

All depends on what you want from life and what he wants , maybe he doesn't want to marry at all .

 

if marriage is your goal , then you have done the right thing .

 

I don't beleive in marriage anymore my next move will be based on this

[feelinglost1]

All depends on what you want from life and what he wants , maybe he doesn't want to marry at all .

 

He has said while being just friends as well as while we have been together that he has always pictured himself getting married.

[SummerDreams]

I get the feeling you only did this to put pressure on him and push him to make a proposal or rush his feelings, while you said you didnt want to commit at the start and he respected you and waited. He seems to treat you with love and respect while you try to manipulate him into changing his mind and feelings. There are men who want to have a decent career going before they rush into marriage and family, maybe he has other stuff in his mind that you don't know about, maybe he thinks he is too young to get married etc. I didn't find it right that the minute you decided you can marry him you expected him to be on the same page and follow you with everything you asked for. It was unfair. You took some time to have these feelings, give the guy some time to digest it and see how he feels. What I get from him is that he is a very responsible young person who loves you, sees a future with you but does not feel totally ready for it yet. Do you really want to make him marry you out of manipulation and after X years him accusing you that you trapped him into marriage or do you want him to be sure that you are the woman of his life and together decide when is the right time to discuss about serious stuff?

[Keenly]

I got the same vibes as the above. You are holding the relationship hostage and have already executed it because you weren't getting what you wanted as fast as you wanted it.

 

 

Two years..? And you guys are young?

 

 

I think you just confirmed to him that marrying you isn't in his best interest. One sign of not getting your way, and instead of trying to solve the issue, you just left.

[feelinglost1]

This is my best best best friend. He knows I would never manipulate him and if you read my previous responses you would know that he said he wants to be sure. That this has been bothering him that he wants to be 100 percent sure.

 

He does have a good career already and I have asked him why he thinks he's unsure and he doesn't know. If he knew why he thought he didn't know (age, money,etc) he would tell me.

 

I also included in a response that I mentioned if he wanted to see other people? He said it crossed his mind but he doesn't know if he could. So if another person is thinking what if someone else could be out there then why stay and how is breaking it off manipulating them?

[Diezel]

I think you did the right thing. The one thing that people tend to do is stay too long in uncertain situations. Don't wait for someone who doesn't want you to be waited for.

 

You didn't give him the response he expected.

 

I do have to ask, how did this conversation even come up? I don't know of any man who would just up and say, "You know what I was thinking... I'm not 100% sure if I'd want to marry you."

[SummerDreams]

There will always be available people out there but if someone is sure the only person they really care about is their SO then these people dont matter. Since he admitted he may be curious to see what else is out there then why are you considering to accept a possible proposal from him? He has showed already he is not done with dating in general. Are you willing to wait for him till he explores all his options? You making this thread shows you hope he will miss you and come back begging you to marry him. But dont you see this, supposedly happening, will only be a result if him being pressed into it rather than a responsible and secure choice?

[feelinglost1]

I created this post to see if what other people's opinions were about it. I don't know if he is done dating and I don't know if he is knows if he or not as well. (Since he said he didn't know if he could or not) That's why I broke up to give him that opportunity to see what he wants. I said in a previous post that I'm not looking for him to beg or come back with a proposal.

 

This seems to be a conflict within himself and he seems to be stuck figuring it out. I don't play games. This isn't a game to me. I love this person more than I have loved anyone. His happiness is so important to me reguardless if it was with me or not. And he knows that I think this way.

[feelinglost1]

I would want to wait but no one can gaurentee anything. Thats my point if i wait for him and he knows I'm waiting doesn't that prolong his unsureness rather than letting him go and seeing if he comes back and then if I want it still then great it was meant to be.

[SummerDreams]

I dont agree. If your relationship is good I dont see the reason to end it while waiting. And when I say waiting I dont mean forever rather than giving him a deadline that suits both of you. During this time you will both treat your relationship in a more serious and mature manner, live together, see how it is to be together every day and in general take this time to test your relationship and your love. By breaking up with him you give him the message you dont accept not getting what you want and you also destroy the relationship you have built these two years, risking that even if a miracle happens and he comes back after x time, you mat not be able to go back to where you were before the break up. If I were you I would go find him, express my thoughts, listen carefully to his thoughts and suggest to stay together having in mind that this time the relationship will have the aim of becoming more serious in x time decided by both of you.

[feelinglost1]

I have been talking to him. I have been so confused. I think the first step is for him to see if he wants to date other people or not. And then we can go from there. I could stay with him knowing that he sees a future and isn't 100 percent sure some things do take time but I guess knowing that it crossed his mind if he should date other people does change things. I don't want to be with someone if they are thinking that.

[SummerDreams]

Then he is not as mature as you think. If a guy truly loves a woman he won't consider dating or sleeping with other women.

 

Also, if he considers dating other women why are you still thinking of him? And why do you consider going back if he proposes? Do you see the contradiction in your thoughts?

[feelinglost1]

he is unsure if he could actually date someone. Thats what I'm saying. Thats why I broke up with him. He knows he loves me. In fact he has said it on his own since I broke up with him, he does see having children with me, he does see a future and marriage. I think he just wants to be sure this is it. And maybe he is thinking how do I figure this out maybe I should date other people and then Ill know. I think he just wants to know. I'm not waiting for the actual proposal as I have said. I was't expecting him to be like ah we broke up now I know I want to propose. The break up is space for him to figure it out.

Edited July 27, 2015 by feelinglost1