Kano Posted July 26, 2015 Posted July 26, 2015 Apologies if this is long and rambling but this is complicated. I'm not sure how to find a relatable comparison to what is happening right now. I'm a white guy, nearly forty years old and have been with a woman for over ten years now, never living together because of her family restrictions. She comes from a Hindu family, although not an overtly strict one (in a religious sense) she is in her mid-30's and still living with her mum. Her mother is a modern woman, works in sales and has met me on many occasions in the past. This is before I moved from 'friend' (or non threatening in terms of being with her daughter long term) to potential husband. Her mum hasn't spoken to me since that came to light. Traditions, or should I say image, are upheld and many of her family have good money and high income. Ive always worked but earn an average, but acceptable wage. However, I also have a 16 year old (who lives with his mum) from a previous relationship and this, combined with my income puts a complete block on me being accepted as husband material. We are madly in love with each other, we both recognise that we are 'the one', the perfect match you want to grow old with and spend the rest of your life with. Complete soulmate a and best friends. We are both at fault for letting things drag on to this situation, stuck in a routine of seeing each other a couple times a week, staying one night on the weekend and neglecting to approach the elephant in the room. It has now reached breaking point. She understands that if she chooses to be with me, her mother, father and family would cut her off. She is a massive family person. There is no reasoning on that point. Her mother went through an awful divorce with her father when she was much younger and doesn't want her daughter to 'struggle' like she did. So this means my partner has effectively been left with a decision between us and her family. Incredibly unfair. She is terrified and has no idea how to approach her family. She doesn't really have a close friend or relative that can fight her corner, so she is on her own. I have been in limbo and had to make the decision to end things recently because I don't think she can ever make a decision with so much riding on either side. Whatever she decides, there is a large amount of unhappiness attached to it. But I have no idea how to get over the woman of my dreams. Someone I care about so deeply, who is intertwined with my own soul so much. I realise I have to try and move on with life and that hanging in limbo waiting for an answer that may never come is not good for me. But how do you get over someone you can't stop loving when they share the exact same feelings? She is like family to me. I can't even properly 'grieve' losing our relationship because it never felt like it ended.
mano1982 Posted July 26, 2015 Posted July 26, 2015 if I were you I would try to find some kind of counselor who is culturally connected to her your area or nearby where you both can go and this person well obviously understand her dilemmas and will be able to relate and maybe give her a little push she needs or understanding she needs to make the right decision. obviously this person will be open minded presumably , will be able to relate to her culturally and it would be an outside opinion from an Independent Party which Might give her the strength she needs qu break away from her cultural restrictions. 10 years is a long time she needs someone who she can listen to and relate to who can convince her to follow her heart
Author Kano Posted July 26, 2015 Author Posted July 26, 2015 That sounds like a good idea but i can't think of how I would identify a person like that from the outside. Obviously it would need to be an Asian counsellor - a female one would be even better - but it's a tough one to get right. The fact will still remain that she will lose her family and ultimately that courage is going to have to come from within because it will still be her standing there 'confronting' her family with this. It really saddens me how her own mother can be like this and not allow her daughter to go and live with life without fear.
mano1982 Posted July 26, 2015 Posted July 26, 2015 I would start researching through Google or Yahoo put in keywords. Like hindu and councelor and your area. it depends the mother might be playing hardball or she might actually do it what about someone who is close to the mother or maybe a little more open minded
Author Kano Posted July 26, 2015 Author Posted July 26, 2015 It's a massive risk for her to take, she can only really go on her mothers words realistically. Easentially it is breaking ranks big time from tradition, made worse by the fact she is a woman doing it. Men would probably get a bit more leniency. She is the only child which makes it more intense and her grandparents wield an awful lot of influence over her mother and the family as a whole, who is nearly 60 herself. If she says she is going to be with me, she will be made to face her father and grandparents to explain, like a firing squad waiting to shoot her down.
Gus Grimly Posted July 26, 2015 Posted July 26, 2015 At first I thought this was going to be about irreconcilable cultural differences and possibly religious bias. So really it's all about money. Am correct or did I misread what was written?
Author Kano Posted July 26, 2015 Author Posted July 26, 2015 Mostly and the fact I have a son already. Neither of which are an issue for my partner, otherwise she wouldn't have stayed in the relationship.
mano1982 Posted July 26, 2015 Posted July 26, 2015 will focus on trying to get her to have the strength and you're going to need to find someone outside who can relate to her and who may have been through similar circumstances. she needs strength too many outside influences affecting you. try to find someone she can relate to who can talk to you guys
Gus Grimly Posted July 26, 2015 Posted July 26, 2015 That's a bummer. Yeah, it's gonna be hard to persuade the family when they have high hopes for their daughter to marry into wealth. I'm sure the fact that you have a son doesn't help your case one bit. The ball is in her court really. She needs to make an extremely hard choice. You or her family. Like they say; Blood is thicker than water. Gonna cause a lot of heartache either way. But if you love this girl, you gotta fight for her. You can't give in without doing everything you can to be with her. Don't just throw away the love of your life. You'll regret it for the rest of your days.
TaraMaiden2 Posted July 26, 2015 Posted July 26, 2015 It's a massive risk for her to take, she can only really go on her mothers words realistically. Easentially it is breaking ranks big time from tradition, made worse by the fact she is a woman doing it. Men would probably get a bit more leniency. She is the only child which makes it more intense and her grandparents wield an awful lot of influence over her mother and the family as a whole, who is nearly 60 herself. If she says she is going to be with me, she will be made to face her father and grandparents to explain, like a firing squad waiting to shoot her down. She needs to stand up to them and call their bluff. When they're all dead, will she be happy to have abandoned you for a bunch of old fogeys? They're emotionally blackmailing her and they don't give a damn about her happiness. They can't actually do anything to her. 'Like a firing squad waiting to shoot her down' is NOT an actual firing squad ready to shoot her down. This is manipulation to its cruellest degree. If she had any backbone (and please trust me, I've seen this happen in a family from Pakistan) she will live her life independently, because she's not in India now. They have no obligational or cultural hold over her, other than the ephemeral one they're trying to tighten and grip her with. Pakistan family: Father, mother, 3 sons, one daughter. All 4 children born, raised, brought up and established as UK Citizens. All eminently academically successful (understatement). Daughter became the youngest ever Senior Registrar at the London Royal Eastman Dental Hospital. Father and Mother still insisted on arranged marriage. They had found her a husband she had never met, laid eyes on, spoken to or become familiar with. She point-blank refused. They bought her a passport. She destroyed it. They bought her a plane ticket (by purchasing an emergency passport). She refused to ride to the airport and instead of going out and getting into the taxi, ran off. They didn't find her for 2 days. Eventually, they threatened her with ostracism, and disowning her. She readily accepted. She was, even after her being disowned, secretly in constant and continual contact with her mother and immediate older brother. 4 years later, she married an Englishman. Her father had died, and her mother decided to not attend the wedding. Her brother gave her away. Her eldest brother paid for her wedding. They can disown her all they want. Biology and genes, DNA and mothers will always be a constant.
Author Kano Posted July 26, 2015 Author Posted July 26, 2015 @Gus - It is in her court but I honestly can't see her making a decision because it's too tough. And by not making a decision, she is making one - if that makes sense. She isn't the best at making clear cut choices at best of times, let alone this one. There really is nothing else I can do. If there was I would've done it by now. Me talking to her mum or family isn't going change anything. They have set out their stall. Essentially, her mum is terrorified on how it will look on her, reflecting she bought up her daughter badly to make wrong decisions in life and her own parents (who hold quite a bit of influence) will look down on her for it.
Author Kano Posted July 26, 2015 Author Posted July 26, 2015 She needs to stand up to them and call their bluff. When they're all dead, will she be happy to have abandoned you for a bunch of old fogeys? They're emotionally blackmailing her and they don't give a damn about her happiness. They can't actually do anything to her. 'Like a firing squad waiting to shoot her down' is NOT an actual firing squad ready to shoot her down. This is manipulation to its cruellest degree. If she had any backbone (and please trust me, I've seen this happen in a family from Pakistan) she will live her life independently, because she's not in India now. They have no obligational or cultural hold over her, other than the ephemeral one they're trying to tighten and grip her with. Pakistan family: Father, mother, 3 sons, one daughter. All 4 children born, raised, brought up and established as UK Citizens. All eminently academically successful (understatement). Daughter became the youngest ever Senior Registrar at the London Royal Eastman Dental Hospital. Father and Mother still insisted on arranged marriage. They had found her a husband she had never met, laid eyes on, spoken to or become familiar with. She point-blank refused. They bought her a passport. She destroyed it. They bought her a plane ticket (by purchasing an emergency passport). She refused to ride to the airport and instead of going out and getting into the taxi, ran off. They didn't find her for 2 days. Eventually, they threatened her with ostracism, and disowning her. She readily accepted. She was, even after her being disowned, secretly in constant and continual contact with her mother and immediate older brother. 4 years later, she married an Englishman. Her father had died, and her mother decided to not attend the wedding. Her brother gave her away. Her eldest brother paid for her wedding. They can disown her all they want. Biology and genes, DNA and mothers will always be a constant. Thanks for that Tara. I have explained all that to her too. Her mother has never remarried or settled down with another man and has relied on her being in the house for all those years. She needs to move out of that house to grow and find confidence on her terms. She was on the verge 18 months ago, before leaving her job to start up her own business. She feels she owes a debt to her mum who went through hell in her marriage and had to start again from absolutely nothing. But as I've told her she has her own life to lead, she has to be allowed to make her own decisions, not constantly tied into the past. Getting out of that house and some distance from her mum is essential otherwise even without me, she stands no chance of having s proper life.
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