Dumped out of the blue

[NVO]

I have read a lot of comments and stories on this forum. It already has helped me a lot! Today I decided to create an account and share my story with you. I know it will make me feel better and maybe I can get some new insights from you guys. It's quite a long story so I guess it will be a long post. Hope some of you will take the time to read it.

 

Me (24) and my ex gf (21) were together for 1 1/2 year. Our relationship was very good. We had minor arguments but never really fought. We always could communicate very well. And after we had an argument, she would always tell me she appreciated the fact that I was not a walk over. She told me several times that she could not imagine herself with somebody else and sometimes had nightmares about losing me. And yeah, I also thought that this could be the girl I would grow old with.

 

The last months of our relationship, things got harder. I had two jobs and worked six days a week. This was only for several months and I was doing this for our future too. I guess this got her to lose interest in me. But anyways she still asked me several times to move in with her, talked about getting married and we would sometimes talk about child names.

 

Holidays

We booked our second vacation together, destination Normandy in France. This was three weeks prior to the break-up. Shortly after the booking, she told me that the last weeks of our relationship were quite monotonous due to my working rhythm. This was a waking call for me. I acknowledged that I needed to give her more attention and so I did. We made plans for several dates in the following weeks.

 

A week before she broke up with me there was a national holiday in Holland: Kingsday. We met up that day and had a great time. She would come up to me saying that people told her we looked so happy. When we talked to another couple who already had kids, she would joke she wanted kids too but I was not ready for it. Even my friends told me they did not catch any red flags that she was about to end this thing. We went out for lunch the next day and had a great time. In the following week we also talked about where we wanted to live later on.

 

The break up

So the next weekend I asked her if she was available that friday night. She told me she already had made plans with her friends. I never had any problems with this, and this time I also gave her this space. The following day I thought I'd give her a spontaneous call for a date, also to show that I was putting more effort in our relationship. She told me it was very sweet of me but she already had made plans with her best (girl)friend. She went clubbing that evening until six in the morning. So when I woke up the next day, I texted her that it was fine that she was doing things with her friends but I felt quite neglected. I was doing all this things to show her that I love her and she was not responding to any of it. She replied with a text saying she had doubts, that it was for the best if we probably stopped seeing each other and that she wanted to talk that evening. So that was the day she dropped the bomb and dumped me out of the blue.

 

We talked and she said she felt like something was missing, but never could give any good reason for this. Looked like she sometimes made up things, just to justify the break up to herself. I have read the threads about GIGS, and it does sound familiair. She wanted a two week break to figure it out. I agreed, but the next day I wanted to talk about my feelings. I was hurt and thought we could talk about is, like we always did. I texted her that I missed her and she told me that she has got to do this. This waiting was so hard for me, and it was a mistake to agree with it. So after 1/2 week I texted her that I wanted some answers and otherwise will drop her stuff at her home because looking at it was hurting me too much. She told me that if I brought her stuff over, it was definitely over. So she kind of started to put the blame on me. Eventually, she told me it was over between us.

 

The aftermath

From this point I should have gone NC with her. But she agreed with me to talk. This was planned several days later on, and my frustration got the better hand of me . I asked her if she could talk that evening, and she said she could not. At this point, I was done. I collected her belongings, took the car to her house, dumped her stuff in the cellar and her keys in the mailbox. I texted her afterwards telling her this, and making some angry statements. I somewhat regret this, but it is something I have learned from. She was angry with me and blocked me on WhatsApp and Facebook afterwards.

 

After two weeks we got back in contact. We talked at her place. She was saying that it was the hardest decision of her life, I was so sweet, she loved me and lots of other BS. After this, some more hot and cold behavior. Maybe she was making the biggest mistake of her life, and maybe we will end up together in a few years time. One time stating it was not my fault, but the next time she said that by not leaving her alone in the first weeks after the break up I ruined all my chances. She was kind of putting the blame on me, again. I decided to go NC from this point. This was one month after we broke up. I know, I should have done this much earlier.

 

Period of NC

Three weeks went by and I started to recover. I started my own blog and even though times were hard, I was healing. Then she contacted me. Said she was thinking of me and she loved my blogs. She told me she had graduated and asked what I was currently thinking about our situation. I stayed calm and told her I was doing quite well, and that the three weeks of no contact did me good. The next day, she contacted me again about a book I also read. Then she asked me of I could talk and if she could ask me something. She wanted to know if I was ready to be friends. I told her we were friends. She replied saying: 'But we haven't talked for three weeks!' I was like: WTF? I remained calm and told her this was part of a break up process. She then stated she wanted to share her day with me and also wanted me to do the same with her. I countered that I felt like this was something couples do. I always shared everything with her with all of my heart, but now that was over. She stopped texting, I guess somewhat hurt by my rejection.

 

Another week went by until my birthday. She texted me a happy b-day. I thanked her. The next day I made the stupid mistake to break my four week NC. I ended up hurt again, because she would tell me how sweet I am but always kept playing the 'let's stay friends card' and saying that if we would never be able to be friends, she would be devastated. After this, I went back to NC. This was about a week ago.

 

So, quite a long story eh? What are your thoughts? I felt quite guilty after the break up, with her saying I did not make her feel special. I admit that sometimes I have to put more effort in a relationship, but now I'm actually quite scared about starting a new one. I'm not saying I am perfect, nor was our relationship. But if there ever was a relationship in my life I felt secure about, it was this one. How did I managed to screw this up? How can I prevent to make the same mistakes in the future? Or maybe she is the obstacle, and it's not all that much about me?

Edited July 26, 2015 by NVO

[Omei]

Stay NC, you cant be friends until the hurt from the relationship is gone, its very rare exs are friends and usually when they tell how they're still friends somewhere in there is a long period of time apart year or more.

[NVO]

Stay NC, you cant be friends until the hurt from the relationship is gone, its very rare exs are friends and usually when they tell how they're still friends somewhere in there is a long period of time apart year or more.

 

Thank you Omei. I will stay NC for sure this time. I know I have not healed properly. And to be honest, I do not see any advantages of staying friends with her. The only advantage I can think of is the chance of reconciliation. And sometimes, that is breaking me up because I do not know what to do.

[FaithInMe]

I agree. Stay NC.

 

You can't be friends with someone that you still have romantic feelings for. You won't be able to give up the idea of reconciling, and you'll most likely be hurt in the process.

 

I've been there.

 

Having had this happen twice in my life. In both cases, I was able to become friends with them later. But only after time had gone by. In one case it was about 4 months. The other took at least a year. In both cases there wasn't a lot of fighting during the BU, so we were respectful and kind to each other. There was some limited contact with both, but it took me awhile to figure out how to do that.

 

In fact, one of those friends just called me and gave me some advice on my current situation. It's amazing how life works out sometimes.

 

I am back in that situation now, with an ex that hopes we can stay friends. He isn't throwing out the idea of a reconciliation at some point once we've both grown. But right now, I cannot be friends with him because I still have feelings with him. Actually we have feelings for each other - it can't work as friends. Not right now.

 

I was NC for 30 days and then received an email from him. It was a nice email, and he is missing me. But it's not enough. I did reply, but I'm sticking to my plan. We can't be together right now because there is so much work we need to do on ourselves.

 

I know I shared a lot about my own history, but I am hoping that helps you get some perspective from someone who has been there more than once.

 

You're doing great. Keep up the good work, get back to that NC state. And time will not only heal, it will allow everything to play out - just as it should.

[DKT3]

There is another guy, blowing you off then trying to pull you back in. Playing the "let's be friends" cards. Then the blame game...."this is why it doesn't work(because of you)". She is dating someone else, and of course trying to keep you close but not too close.

[wendydarling]

Hi, NVO, I totally understand your confused feelings. I was left for what I think is G.I.G.S. as well, and it is so sucky and confusing on so many levels. Mine tried to tell me similar things as yours. In the same breath, I'd hear, "Maybe one day we can revisit things when I get my **** together" and then waxing poetic about how we'd regret it if we didn't stay friends. The whole situation doesn't make sense in either my or your situation.

 

However, please keep up the good work of NC! I've read some things on various threads on here that I really agree with. First of all, staying friends with a person who has hurt you by ending the relationship and breaking your trust is not possible, at least not immediately. There is always a possibility that they will start dating someone else, and if you are not ready to see that, then you are absolutely not ready to be friends. In my case, I realized that I couldn't be his friend because the desire to reach out and grab him and kiss him or just hold him were always way too strong when we were talking in the 3 weeks after the BU before I went NC, and it hurt me so badly to not be able to do that. Lastly, NC gives you time to heal. It can be pure hell sometimes, especially when you are used to talking to someone every day, but you are doing it for you, NOT for them. Staying friends with the dumper in a situation like this alleviates their pain and guilt because it says that if you are still friends with them, they obviously couldn't have hurt you that badly. Meanwhile, you are still hurting. It's a bad idea all around, at least immediately until you've had some time to heal.

Edited July 26, 2015 by wendydarling

[NVO]

You're doing great. Keep up the good work, get back to that NC state. And time will not only heal, it will allow everything to play out - just as it should.

 

Thank you for your kind words. At this point I do not know if I will ever be able to be friends. I love / like this girl in a way I can not think of 'just being friends'. It might seem selfish, and it's hard to know that it will break her up, but she broke my heart too, and right now it's all about me.

 

I have a lot of respect for you that you can manage that so well. Do you have any tips for me for when she is contacting me again? I just know that this is going to happen sometime. I want to avoid any casual texting by making it clear early on that I am only interested in contact because I am romantically interested in her. And that if she is interested in just being friends, we are not on the same page. Well, maybe I just did answer my own question here haha. But it's hard because I don't want to be cold, nor want to sound like I am waiting around for her.

 

There is another guy, blowing you off then trying to pull you back in. Playing the "let's be friends" cards. Then the blame game...."this is why it doesn't work(because of you)". She is dating someone else, and of course trying to keep you close but not too close.

 

Yeah, and I think I know who this guy is too. She started seeing him right after we broke up. It hurts, but actually I start to get to the point where I don't care anymore. I will always have the good memories of being with her. And if she thinks that walking away and dating someone else is a good thing, I'll let her do that.

 

A lot of people told me afterwards what a great catch I am. Even her own little sister was angry at her, saying that 'She will never meet someone as sweet as I am.' Now I am not saying that she won't, but it comforts me that somewhere down the line she will appreciate all of the things I did for her.

 

Hi, NVO, I totally understand your confused feelings. I was left for what I think is G.I.G.S. as well, and it is so sucky and confusing on so many levels. Mine tried to tell me similar things as yours. In the same breath, I'd hear, "Maybe one day we can revisit things when I get my **** together" and then waxing poetic about how we'd regret it if we didn't stay friends. The whole situation doesn't make sense in either my or your situation.

 

I guess they are just trying to keep a foothold in our lives. Probably for the best if we shut them out. I also understand you completely! One day she texted me and accusing me of starting rumors about her dating another guy. This was not true and after soms texts back and forth she calmed down. So that same evening I got another text of her with a picture of her new tattoo. She wanted to know my opinion about it, because my opinion means so much to her. That's like a complete 180 in a couple of hours. Very confusing.

 

However, please keep up the good work of NC! I've read some things on various threads on here that I really agree with. First of all, staying friends with a person who has hurt you by ending the relationship and breaking your trust is not possible, at least not immediately. There is always a possibility that they will start dating someone else, and if you are not ready to see that, then you are absolutely not ready to be friends. In my case, I realized that I couldn't be his friend because the desire to reach out and grab him and kiss him or just hold him were always way too strong when we were talking in the 3 weeks after the BU before I went NC, and it hurt me so badly to not be able to do that. Lastly, NC gives you time to heal. It can be pure hell sometimes, especially when you are used to talking to someone every day, but you are doing it for you, NOT for them. Staying friends with the dumper in a situation like this alleviates their pain and guilt because it says that if you are still friends with them, they obviously couldn't have hurt you that badly. Meanwhile, you are still hurting. It's a bad idea all around, at least immediately until you've had some time to heal.

 

Thank you for your compliment. I'll definitely stick with my guns here. I can relate to your situation. I also found out that NC gives you the time to heal. And if that means that your ex is drifting away, so be it. If they make the decision to walk out of our lives, it's for the best that we let them.

 

Don't you sometimes feel the urge to just call them and make it clear how much you are hurt? I won't do this, and I know it won't help me either, but sometimes I just want to shout at her. I mean, breaking up out of the blue with no clear reason is one thing, but then that hot and cold behavior afterwards, that is what is really messing with your mind.

Edited July 26, 2015 by NVO

[wendydarling]

Don't you sometimes feel the urge to just call them and make it clear how much you are hurt? I won't do this, and I know it won't help me either, but sometimes I just want to shout at her. I mean, breaking up out of the blue with no clear reason is one thing, but then that hot and cold behavior afterwards, that is what is really messing with your mind.

 

Oh yeah, there have been many weak moments in the past week where I wanted to let him know how badly he hurt me. Dumping someone out of the complete blue and then giving many mixed signals is so selfish and I really wanted him to know how much that ****ed me up. However, I realized that no good could come out of that. I'd much rather let him never hear anything from me, and wonder how I am, rather than give him the upper hand of letting him know that I am still thinking about him and hurt about it.

[NVO]

Oh yeah, there have been many weak moments in the past week where I wanted to let him know how badly he hurt me. Dumping someone out of the complete blue and then giving many mixed signals is so selfish and I really wanted him to know how much that ****ed me up. However, I realized that no good could come out of that. I'd much rather let him never hear anything from me, and wonder how I am, rather than give him the upper hand of letting him know that I am still thinking about him and hurt about it.

 

Exactly! I'll never let her hear anything from me, and I am kind of seeing this as my sweet revenge.

[NVO]

So I woke up this morning and when I checked my phone I got a message from my ex. It was a picture / screenshot of a company which is hiring people. Funny thing is, I'm already in contact with that same company. So I texted back: "Yeah I'm already in contact with them, not the same function though. Thanks anyway." And she replied with: "Okay!"

 

Don't know what to think of that, and to be honest I really don't want to put in the energy to find out. I guess she is just trying to be friends, or maybe sending some smoke signals to check out if I'm still replying to her. In the 4 weeks of NC (total) she already contacted me 3 times. In the month right after the break up, with me trying to talk to her, she initiated contact 0 times. Guess NC works fine sometimes.

[NVO]

So I woke up this morning and when I checked my phone I got a message from my ex. It was a picture / screenshot of a company which is hiring people. Funny thing is, I'm already in contact with that same company. So I texted back: "Yeah I'm already in contact with them, not the same function though. Thanks anyway." And she replied with: "Okay!"

 

Don't know what to think of that, and to be honest I really don't want to put in the energy to find out. I guess she is just trying to be friends, or maybe sending some smoke signals to check out if I'm still replying to her. In the 4 weeks of NC (total) she already contacted me 3 times. In the month right after the break up, with me trying to talk to her, she initiated contact 0 times. Guess NC works fine sometimes.

 

I was talking through some of the break up stuff with my mother and we ended up discussing something that happened between my ex and me. One day I got up in the morning, saw several missed calls of her and I had received a lot of text messages. And by that I mean A LOT. She said that she had been called in the night by someone who pretended to be a close friend of mine. He told her that I cheated on her the previous weekend with a girl, and even gave the girls name. This was not true, because I was with my ex the whole weekend. So she knew it was not true, but was nonetheless really upset with it. I called her and she was crying on the phone. She told me that she did not sleep that night, and I could tell this was true by the messages that she send throughout the whole night. We talked it through and she calmed down.

 

So my mother told me that from the moment we told her this, she thought my ex was lying. And please, don't call my mother crazy.

 

But why would she lie about that? And why was she so upset, if it was not true? Someone's thoughts on this please. Maybe you experienced the same thing? I know it's possible that she was not lying, but I'm just interested in reasons that she could by lying. Not that I'm trying to find out, but I'm wondering if there really are these messed up people on this world.

 

And am I receiving smoke signals from my ex? (See the quoted part above this post.)

Edited July 30, 2015 by NVO