Remystacks Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 (edited) Need some advice & if not that then just some support The guy I have been dating since January has just up and left me without goodbye or a word I'm so heartbroken as (I'm 29, he's 30) in all my years I've never found anyone I connect with, have fun with or get support from. I'll try and keep this short but I'll give you some of our back ground.. Met in January (almost 8 months together) He's in the military and was posted in my town for the last 6 years. He is divorced and has two kids. I have none. I'm currently a student and work two part time jobs. We have been together everyday since we met. He leaves on weekends to visit his kids but we stayed in constant contact when he was with them No, I don't think he was cheating as we spent way too much time together and he wouldn't have had time or space to do so. He was the most caring man, I knew he loved me by how he treated me. Always opened my doors, cooked for me bought me gifts, pushed my school life and loved my friends and family. Now here's the thing.. He was posted back to his hometown almost two weeks ago to stay indefinitely. Now first week he moved we were fine, but one day I asked him if he wanted to eat dinner with my mom (we discussed this before he left and he had no issue) and he told me "we weren't at that part in our relationship, when parents get involved it's a huge deal" I responded that he should forget I mentioned it and that him saying that informs me of a lot. He responded "oh come on! You should know we aren't at that level" I won't lie I was kinda upset so I didn't respond. Now is been 5 days.. He hasn't text me to see if I'm alive or anything. And I haven't text him because if he called it quits I don't want to give him the satisfaction of going looking for him.. Maybe I'm overthinking everything though and should text him and see if he's alive or just call it a lose and move on? I just don't understand how you can forget someone you spent almost a year of your life with so easy... He was my best friend, I feel like someone has ripped out my insides Edited July 26, 2015 by Remystacks
preraph Posted July 26, 2015 Posted July 26, 2015 You've been with him 7 months, not a year. Everyone moves at their own pace. Meeting the parents means different things to different people, just as saying "I love you" does. Some people will take anyone over to meet the parents real casually. Others won't even consider it until they're ready to become engaged. Same thing with saying "I love you." You're simply on a different timeline. He is not wanting to rush things because he may not even be ready to get married again anytime soon since he just got divorced. It sounds like you have no reason to suspect any other reason , so if I was you, I'd just chill and find out in broard terms without mentioning "meet the parents" or "getting engaged," find out what he envisions for you two down the line IF things go well. Probably if he never wanted to marry again, he'd have already been spewing about that. But sometimes divorce makes you feel a bit like an amoeba, dividing in two. He may not be ready to do that anytime soon.
pidgeon1010 Posted July 26, 2015 Posted July 26, 2015 I think you assumed based on his actions that your relationship was far along than it really was. Almost 8 months is not a long time and if he wants to take things slow, you should respect that. I had something similar happen with my ex where I invited him to a casual thing hosted by a work colleague for colleagues and their significant others and my ex declined because he thought we weren't at that point (although based on his actions, I would have thought otherwise). I did mention I was disappointed but understood and we talked about it and moved forward. Anyways this may be his way to try to slow things down since it sounds like you two have been moving fast or it may be a way for him to start distancing himself from the relationship to lead to a break up. 5 days without speaking each other doesn't sound promising. You are both in a standoff with each other. Someone has to give or I guess you will just never speak again and that's the end of the relationship.
Author Remystacks Posted July 26, 2015 Author Posted July 26, 2015 (edited) How were things moving to fast if he had agreed to it before. He said that wouldn't be a problem at all.. I understand that maybe I pushed the mother dinner thing a little but does that mean forget the last 8 months and run? I would be cool with waiting till whenever he's ready to meet her.. Even a year from now.. Not everyone takes the parent integration with a grain of salt. I really get that. Guys are funny creatures.. We talked everyday.. He was sent to The arctic for 5 weeks in April.. He still found a way to contact me everyday.. So your right. 5 days isn't promising with NC.. Should I even bother texting him now? Edited July 26, 2015 by Remystacks
katiegrl Posted July 26, 2015 Posted July 26, 2015 Need some advice & if not that then just some support The guy I have been dating since January has just up and left me without goodbye or a word I'm so heartbroken as (I'm 29, he's 30) in all my years I've never found anyone I connect with, have fun with or get support from. I'll try and keep this short but I'll give you some of our back ground.. Met in January (almost 8 months together) He's in the military and was posted in my town for the last 6 years. He is divorced and has two kids. I have none. I'm currently a student and work two part time jobs. We have been together everyday since we met. He leaves on weekends to visit his kids but we stayed in constant contact when he was with them No, I don't think he was cheating as we spent way too much time together and he wouldn't have had time or space to do so. He was the most caring man, I knew he loved me by how he treated me. Always opened my doors, cooked for me bought me gifts, pushed my school life and loved my friends and family. Now here's the thing.. He was posted back to his hometown almost two weeks ago to stay indefinitely. Now first week he moved we were fine, but one day I asked him if he wanted to eat dinner with my mom (we discussed this before he left and he had no issue) and he told me "we weren't at that part in our relationship, when parents get involved it's a huge deal" I responded that he should forget I mentioned it and that him saying that informs me of a lot. He responded "oh come on! You should know we aren't at that level" I won't lie I was kinda upset so I didn't respond. Now is been 5 days.. He hasn't text me to see if I'm alive or anything. And I haven't text him because if he called it quits I don't want to give him the satisfaction of going looking for him.. Maybe I'm overthinking everything though and should text him and see if he's alive or just call it a lose and move on? ***I just don't understand how you can forget someone you spent almost a year of your life with so easy..****. He is probably thinking the same exact thing about you....he also may think you are mad at him, and figures when you are not mad anymore, you will contact him. Just my opinion but I think you should contact him.
Author Remystacks Posted July 26, 2015 Author Posted July 26, 2015 Lol He doesn't have to even meet my mom because I respect his answer. But what I want to know is did I push him completely away with that? I don't want to embarrass myself texting him if he's let go.. 5 days NC is a long time. We've talked everyday since we met. He was sent to the arctic for his job and he STILL found a way to contact me everyday..
pidgeon1010 Posted July 26, 2015 Posted July 26, 2015 He could have agreed before but now he's changed his mind which he's allowed to do. As he explained, he doesn't feel like you're at the point in the relationship so sounds like he thought about it afterwards and decided against it. You're the one who threw a fit (using phrase loosely) so maybe he thinks he needs to give you space. I'd text him to see where his head is at. As I said, his change of heart re meeting your mom plus 5 days silence may be a precursor to him wanting to end things.
Author Remystacks Posted July 26, 2015 Author Posted July 26, 2015 If he's sending these signs I'm going to just assume he wants to end it and not even bother.. I feel like it will be salt in the wound. Having to read a text from him saying he's leaving would seriously crush me. I'll take the cowards way out and just let him go as it seems that's what he wants. I mean to not even check on my wellbeing after this long silence and how much we had communicated makes it very clear.. Man that hurts..
Author Remystacks Posted July 26, 2015 Author Posted July 26, 2015 Yes Elain she does live in his hometown.. The thought they might have got back together did cross my mind.. 1
Author Remystacks Posted July 26, 2015 Author Posted July 26, 2015 Does his ex live in his hometown? He never gave me any reason to think they were together when we were. He always talked to her and the kids in front of me on the phone.. He even planned on bringing the kids to meet me one week but our schedules conflicted too much to allow it. I mean.. He couldn't have been with her while with me. He'd text me all night during weekends he was away.. If I was a woman with a man he better damn well tell me who he's texting at 1230am-1am at night and all day lol
elaine567 Posted July 26, 2015 Posted July 26, 2015 He never gave me any reason to think they were together when we were. He always talked to her and the kids in front of me on the phone.. He even planned on bringing the kids to meet me one week but our schedules conflicted too much to allow it. I mean.. He couldn't have been with her while with me. He'd text me all night during weekends he was away.. If I was a woman with a man he better damn well tell me who he's texting at 1230am-1am at night and all day lol I just thought, once he got back home, all the old memories will have come flooding back and maybe that was why he put you back in your place "oh come on! You should know we aren't at that level". He minimised what the two of you had. Having lunch with your mother is no big deal, but he was making a point here I feel. I am not saying he was seeing his wife whilst he was with you, but I am guessing that once back in his hometown with her and the kids, he maybe wants to try again and win her back and play happy families. Do you know why they split and how long he has been divorced? Are you his first gf since the split? 1
Author Remystacks Posted July 26, 2015 Author Posted July 26, 2015 I just thought, once he got back home, all the old memories will have come flooding back and maybe that was why he put you back in your place "oh come on! You should know we aren't at that level". He minimised what the two of you had. Having lunch with your mother is no big deal, but he was making a point here I feel. I am not saying he was seeing his wife whilst he was with you, but I am guessing that once back in his hometown with her and the kids, he maybe wants to try again and win her back and play happy families. Do you know why they split and how long he has been divorced? Are you his first gf since the split? Now your making me wonder.. He just talked about meeting me/getting together soon on Sunday. So quick people switch on you He told me they broke up because she didn't like being alone all the time when he was at work (she was living in our city at the time) and left him and moved back to their hometown. I guess yes... They were together for 5-6 years and have two young kids together.. Can't compete with that can I? They've been apart over a year now.. Close to two soon Insane how he just dropped me like that.. First time a guy never had to say I love you to me, I could just tell by his actions.. I feel so stupid and hurt I should have known..
Author Remystacks Posted July 26, 2015 Author Posted July 26, 2015 (edited) I just thought, once he got back home, all the old memories will have come flooding back and maybe that was why he put you back in your place "oh come on! You should know we aren't at that level". He minimised what the two of you had. Having lunch with your mother is no big deal, but he was making a point here I feel. I am not saying he was seeing his wife whilst he was with you, but I am guessing that once back in his hometown with her and the kids, he maybe wants to try again and win her back and play happy families. Do you know why they split and how long he has been divorced? Are you his first gf since the split? im his first serious girlfriend since the split yes, though he has dated girls just not this long.. I think he said 3 months has been longest.. But I'm speculating there Edited July 26, 2015 by Remystacks
highseas Posted July 26, 2015 Posted July 26, 2015 So is there a great physical distance between the two of you now? You both need to talk about your relationship, it seems. I am a bit puzzled by your characterization of his loving behavior and his sudden NC behavior. He did have the last word, though, so maybe--just maybe--the ball is in your court to contact him to clarify things? You should have a very open talk and if you don't want to get married, let him know (but only if you mean it). And you can talk about where things stand with the two of you. What exactly is your relationship if it is not "at that level"? How does he see it? How do you see it? I'm sorry this is happening to you all of a sudden. Keep us posted.
Author Remystacks Posted July 26, 2015 Author Posted July 26, 2015 So is there a great physical distance between the two of you now? You both need to talk about your relationship, it seems. I am a bit puzzled by your characterization of his loving behavior and his sudden NC behavior. He did have the last word, though, so maybe--just maybe--the ball is in your court to contact him to clarify things? You should have a very open talk and if you don't want to get married, let him know (but only if you mean it). And you can talk about where things stand with the two of you. What exactly is your relationship if it is not "at that level"? How does he see it? How do you see it? I'm sorry this is happening to you all of a sudden. Keep us posted. Well I see it now then as the "dating" stage. Still getting to know each other. No there isn't great distance between us. He's only about a 3 hour drive away
highseas Posted July 26, 2015 Posted July 26, 2015 It sounds like you actually are on the same page as him, possibly. Even you only see you both as only dating and exploring. But maybe how you both see meeting the parents differently: he sees it as a big deal whereas you don't think it's a huge deal. But he might have got the wrong idea. Still, the tone he put out wasn't that warm and nice, based on what you wrote.
Author Remystacks Posted July 26, 2015 Author Posted July 26, 2015 It sounds like you actually are on the same page as him, possibly. Even you only see you both as only dating and exploring. But maybe how you both see meeting the parents differently: he sees it as a big deal whereas you don't think it's a huge deal. But he might have got the wrong idea. Still, the tone he put out wasn't that warm and nice, based on what you wrote. No it wasn't warm.. I just don't understand how you wake up just not caring about someone.. And he cared about me greatly. He is so allergic to cats but spent near 3 months straight at my house. Woke up everyday itching, could barely see.. But would be back next night. And while he was there dying of allergies, he would rub MY back because dance class was too hard earlier (I am a hip hop dancer and teach at the college I attended)
aloneinaz Posted July 26, 2015 Posted July 26, 2015 I hate to say this but you may be his rebound and he simply returned to his wife to try again.. Stating you were his first relationship since he divorced is a strong sign of that. What should you do? I agree w/you and wouldn't give him the satisfaction of contacting him again. If you do, he'll then think you'll be his fall back "if" he did try it again with his wife. He CLEARLY viewed your time together and R/S has nothing more than a fling. It's very odd that he'd make a BIG deal out of meeting a parent. I met all kinds of parents even after a couple of weeks when dating someone.
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