Hit by massive depression this past week. Will I ever get over her?

July 3, 2015

eesybakeoven21,

She didn't leave you because of what the OM was, she left because of what she wasn't.
This is all about her and nothing about you.

No-one makes anyone do anything (unless they have a gun to their head )

You guys make me feel a lot better. I'm my own worst enemy right now. I keep blaming myself and believing all the emotional abuse that she engraved into my head. And on top of it all, I'm lonely without her and my heart still longs for her and I have absolutely no idea what she's up to. Beneath all our romance we had and physical love for eachother, we also had this friendship. A friendship that made us feel like we were two kids goofing off together. I think I miss that the most. But I will try my best to continue forward

July 3, 2015

my ex has been in and out of relationships for a long time.

She always had the next guy lined up ready to go before she would leave or they left her.

she kind of had this attitude or life motto like "if a woman isn't getting her needs met, she'll find it somehwere else." She even would justify her sister sleeping with a married man saying his wife isn't meeting his needs so he's going to find it somehwere else.

I'm pretty sure my ex has slept with married men in her past

That's a laundry list of red flags. What's wrong with YOU that you would entertain someone like her?

"dude she was effing crazy!!!"

Crazy, BPD, bi-polar, needy... so many other "effing's" that come to mind.

Was this my fault?

For the breakup? No. For being with her after all those red flags? Yes.

Learn from this and avoid people like her from now on.

July 3, 2015

Right, I know it was her choice. But was it me being a crappy bf that didn't meet her needs what drove her to make that choice? If I was meeting her needs she wouldn't need to find it from someone else, right?

People do what they do *because of who they are.*

July 3, 2015

Ouch. This sounds like my ex. With the only difference of him being a man. Don't EVER allow yourself to think it was your fault. It is always good to reevaluate your behaviour, but you certainly didn't make her leave for another man. She is the only one who can choose to do that. You said you couldn't live up to her expectations because she was always raising the bar and at the end of the relationship you felt bad. She didn't raise her expectations because you were doing something wrong. You were trying the hardest you could to the point of feeling exhausted. She raised her expectations because she is bored. She can't get validation from inside so she gets it from men. Once she gets used to the man she has to raise the bar because again, she would get bored. After a while even this doesn't work anymore and she needs to find a new toy to distract herself. This has nothing to do with you and all to do with her.

July 3, 2015

*I keep blaming myself and believing all the emotional abuse that she engraved into my head.

*Stop it. You're not responsible for her behaviour.

July 3, 2015

Ouch. This sounds like my ex. With the only difference of him being a man. Don't EVER allow yourself to think it was your fault. It is always good to reevaluate your behaviour, but you certainly didn't make her leave for another man. She is the only one who can choose to do that. You said you couldn't live up to her expectations because she was always raising the bar and at the end of the relationship you felt bad. She didn't raise her expectations because you were doing something wrong. You were trying the hardest you could to the point of feeling exhausted. She raised her expectations because she is bored. She can't get validation from inside so she gets it from men. Once she gets used to the man she has to raise the bar because again, she would get bored. After a while even this doesn't work anymore and she needs to find a new toy to distract herself. This has nothing to do with you and all to do with her.

Well stated!

OP, Google Borderline Personality Disorder women. You'll see what you were possibly dealing with. What this person here is describing is exactly those traits.

They are running from their own emptiness and hollow feelings about themselves. They have a horrific fear of abandonment which is why they dump before others and jump right into their next relationship.

I had an ex just like her. I too ignored ALL the obvious signs of her damage and had a rollercoaster ride from hell. It took me a couple of months post break up to realize that it didn't work due to me. It didn't because of her damaged soul.

As I said, these people don't change. No one will EVER meet their expectations. When the honeymoon phase ends along with the excitement is when they get bored because the relationship isn't stimulating enough to hide their feels about themselves.

Again, worry about you. Learn from this like I did and RUN from the next women who demonstrates these kinds of emotionally damaged traits.

July 3, 2015

Well stated!

OP, Google Borderline Personality Disorder women. You'll see what you were possibly dealing with. What this person here is describing is exactly those traits.
They are running from their own emptiness and hollow feelings about themselves. They have a horrific fear of abandonment which is why they dump before others and jump right into their next relationship.

I had an ex just like her. I too ignored ALL the obvious signs of her damage and had a rollercoaster ride from hell. It took me a couple of months post break up to realize that it didn't work due to me. It didn't because of her damaged soul.

As I said, these people don't change. No one will EVER meet their expectations. When the honeymoon phase ends along with the excitement is when they get bored because the relationship isn't stimulating enough to hide their feels about themselves.

Again, worry about you. Learn from this like I did and RUN from the next women who demonstrates these kinds of emotionally damaged traits.

Did ex ever regret what she had? Or was she dating anyone when she left? Do you think I would ever hear from mine again?

July 3, 2015

Did ex ever regret what she had? Or was she dating anyone when she left? Do you think I would ever hear from mine again?

I went HARDCORE NC from her. Blocked her on all social media. I vanished from her life, healed and starting dating a couple months later. Several months later I met my now 2 year GF who lives w/me.

The ex broke NC after 6 months and started contacting me. First, she stopped by my house. I was napping. She then texted a long apology text the next night telling me she stopped by the day before. I ignored her. A few weeks later, she sent a LLOONNGG email apologizing all over herself, said all our problems were on her. She regretted not having me and begged for another chance. This angered my GF. She insisted I reply that I was not interested and good luck which I did.

When she dumped me, she got back on the dating sites 6 days later as was her pattern in the past. She shared in that email that she dated then had a 2-3 month relationship that was horrible. I ran into her ex husband a few weeks after her email and "shocking" I learned from him that she approached me again a week after that 2-3 month relationship ended. See a pattern here? She was continuing to jump from one relationship to the next.

I would NEVER get back together with that woman again. EEEVVVEERR.. She sent a hello email a while back that I ignored. She basically shared that she still wanted me back and that she keeps having short relationships that fail because they aren't me.. EYE ROLL.. See a pattern here?

Again, I read extensively about BPD and other mental health issues trying to understand her behavior after she dumped me and I was done! They all say the same thing which has been stated in this thread. These people are not capable of have a normal, loving, healthy, drama free relationship. They simply need the chaos in their lives for the distraction to hide their issues.

You don't want to hear from this ex of yours. You need to work on you, heal from her and meet someone that's healthy and normal. You've had enough stress in your life from your service and this last ex. Don't you deserve a loving, healthy, normal GF? I think we all do..

July 3, 2015

Did ex ever regret what she had? Or was she dating anyone when she left? Do you think I would ever hear from mine again?

If she really is borderline you should pray that she never contacts you again. Even if she isn't. As a woman who has been young and immature herself I can tell you this: if she contacts you its not because she cares about you. It's because she's lonely or bored. And she won't hesitate one second to play with your feelings. She won't even feel bad doing so.

July 3, 2015

OP, I'm making a thai curry tonight with jasmine rice. I'm looking forward to it. I've read your post.

Reading your post has not changed my mind about making that thai curry. If you'd like to challenge what I'm going to have for dinner tonight, and then blame yourself after---well, go right ahead.

I'll send you some details later tonight about the flavor and ingredients so that you can feel even more guilty about it.

July 3, 2015

I once said to a friend of mine:

"You blame yourself because you know how to."

She laughed because she understood exactly what I meant.

Some people are so well-intentioned and generous of spirit, that they willingly take upon themselves all the responsibility and blame for somebody else's actions. They'll feel the pain, just as if they had really done it themselves.

No matter how pure that persons heart may be, they really shouldn't do it.

July 3, 2015

I'm starting to do a lot of self blame lately. Let me start by saying that my ex has been in and out of relationships for a long time. I was I think her 5th relationship in the past 5 years. One of those relationships she was married. She always had the next guy lined up ready to go before she would leave or they left her. I was the only one where she was actually single for a month before meeting me. I saw some red flags in the beginning because she kind of had this attitude or life motto like "if a woman isn't getting her needs met, she'll find it somehwere else." She even would justify her sister sleeping with a married man saying his wife isn't meeting his needs so he's going to find it somehwere else. I'm pretty sure my ex has slept with married men in her past also but I'm not sure because after her stories didn't match up she denied it after almost bragging about it, and for some reason she never had a problem telling me that stuff. I don't know if that means anything...

These are all massively red flags !!!

But I guess I always thought I would be different. I would be the one who straightens her out and let her know when her "ideas" or "mottos" aren't the best. I would be the one who would be her happily ever after. I would meet all her needs and she wouldn't need to find it anywhere else. She even admitted she had never loved anyone as much as me... even her ex husband she didn't love as much. I was perfect for her. So after living together and then moving her back home for me to follow and she found us a house, I started feeling like her needs where so hard to meet. The bar was constantly being risen and it was almost like no matter what I did she was never happy. She would even threaten me by saying she would get attention elsewhere. Near the end I kind of started getting tired, drained from jumping through hoops. Long story short, she broke up with me for some body builder she met on a dating site. She came back a couple weeks later saying this body builder wasn't over his ex. We got back together and she left after another month and a half for a different guy. I have no idea who he is she just said an old friend. So my question is, was I not good enough? And I know your first reaction is to say "dude she was effing crazy!!!" Okay I get it, but it doesn't change how much I love her and I feel like I wasn't good enough. But I guess this new guy is good enough? seeing how I haven't heard from her in two months strict NC. Did I drive her away because I got tired and couldn't meet her needs? Was this my fault?

I would not be surprised if deep down she wanted you to not fall for her challenges.

She raised the bar and you hoped to it ... a real answer [with someone like her] would have been to change the rules of the game, not continue playing it.

I think she would have respected you more had you done that.

July 4, 2015

My ex left me to pursue relationships with other dudes twice. The most recent time she left, she actually ended up being with the guy. He was in the picture when I was still with her, but she swore up and down he was "just a friend". Two weeks later, they're official on Facebook, and having sex.

I'm just like you. I blame myself for her behavior. If I was a better boyfriend, she wouldn't need to look elsewhere. No one would have looked better than me if I just did more. It's important to realize that we never could have done enough. Unless you were abusive/a complete d*ck, you probably did a lot of great things for her.

I saw a quote online about the "80/20 rule". It basically says that in a relationship you get 80% of your needs met. When someone come along, and shows the missing 20%, some people might believe that person is better because they have everything. They chase this new "exciting person", and might not realize that they gave up 80% for only 20.

July 4, 2015

At this time in her life she is not girlfriend material. You should tell her that you two should just go back to dating and being non exclusive and live in separate houses. And go get some action, you might meet a girl who is girlfriend material.

July 4, 2015

Some people are so well-intentioned and generous of spirit, that they willingly take upon themselves all the responsibility and blame for somebody else's actions.

It's all very clearly spelled out in Dr Robert Glover's book: No More Mr. Nice Guy. I strongly suggest you give it a read. May just be Pandora's Box for you, like it was for me...

July 5, 2015

I don't think I'm ever going to get over her. My head hasn't had any peace for the past 2 months of NC. Is it wrong for me to feel like a complete loser? What I mean by that is, for example yesterday was 4th of July. Assuming my ex is still with the guy she left me for... she has someone to hold, and cuddle with under the fireworks. They are holding eachother and loving on eachother and she probably feel like on top of the world. She got the upper hand. She got out of our relationship and has a new prize, and I have nothing. I hung out with my friends which was nice last night but they all have girlfriends. So I watched all the couples and then I had to stay at the house while they went to go watch fireworks because of my PTSD. I sat and cried all alone, remembering how the year before I had my ex to comfort me.

I feel like an even bigger loser because I don't have any physical companionship right now. My ex probably went home after a fun night and was intimate with her new bf. I think of them having sex all the time. We had a great sex life and she had an amazing body and beautiful face. Now someone else gets that. I can barely even masturbate, and when I do... I feel like she's watching and laughing and making fun of me (terribly immature thought, I know) but it just sucks. Is it normal I think like this??? To think that I'm less than her because I'm alone and she's not? I don't know what I'm going to do, just keep pushing I guess. Thanks for listening, friends.

July 5, 2015

You're not a loser.. You know this!! You're simply still in the grieving stage of that past relationship. Of course you're going to fell crappy, sad and lonely. Recognize that EVERYONE feels like this when their relationship failed and the other already has a relationship.

Recognize that you are coping well with this. You're able to function and get out with your friends. You have to give yourself time and space away from her and you'll feel better and better.

Stop beating yourself up and thinking about what this person from your past is doing. She's your past and the sooner you can mentally put her there, the better you'll feel. It's just going to take time. NOTHING you can do will make this situation better other than staying NC, NOT checking on social media or anything else.

Hang in there. You're doing fine. Keep posting on here as you need to.

July 5, 2015

You're not a loser.. You know this!! You're simply still in the grieving stage of that past relationship. Of course you're going to fell crappy, sad and lonely. Recognize that EVERYONE feels like this when their relationship failed and the other already has a relationship.

Recognize that you are coping well with this. You're able to function and get out with your friends. You have to give yourself time and space away from her and you'll feel better and better.

Stop beating yourself up and thinking about what this person from your past is doing. She's your past and the sooner you can mentally put her there, the better you'll feel. It's just going to take time. NOTHING you can do will make this situation better other than staying NC, NOT checking on social media or anything else.

Hang in there. You're doing fine. Keep posting on here as you need to.

Thank you, I read all of your guy's responses thoroughly and try my best to apply your advice. So I really mean it when I say thank you and it makes me feel like I'm not alone. Especially someone like you, who has come out on the other end and made it through. Gives me hope even tho I've been through a breakup before, this one is just particularly more hard because I honestly thought she was the one. But still, thank you.

July 5, 2015

You have no reason to feel like a loser. You just happened to pick a girl who was quick to upgrade the moment she had a chance. Why waste time wringing your hands over a girl like that?

July 5, 2015

Thank you, I read all of your guy's responses thoroughly and try my best to apply your advice. So I really mean it when I say thank you and it makes me feel like I'm not alone. Especially someone like you, who has come out on the other end and made it through. Gives me hope even tho I've been through a breakup before, this one is just particularly more hard because I honestly thought she was the one. But still, thank you.

Listen, I've never felt pain like I did when my last R/S ended. It was a toxic/dysfunctional relationship to say the least. I believe she had BPD as well. I RREEAALLLYY loved her despite all the hell she put me through. Thankfully, I finally said ENOUGH to myself. We where NEVER going to work. I went hardcore NC. Blocked her on everything (after getting great advice from here). It sucked for a while but I knew I couldn't mentally handle anymore of her issues. I moved on and several months later met my now 2YR GF and am very happy.

You'll get there too my friend. It only takes time and not picking up the wound by having any contact or lurking on social media, updates from people who know her, etc. I was very skeptical about NC but damn.. did it work for me. I told this ex "no thanks" when she reappeared 6 months later looking to get me back.

I could see my ex now making out w/someone in a bar and my thought would be "good for her, I hope she's happy". Then, be thankful I'm not w/her anymore.

Again, keep you chin up. Stay busy and keep going out and spend time with friends. In a month or two you'll be feeling SSOO much better if you stay NC.

July 6, 2015

I'm 5 months post break up and I still feel as worthless as ever. I cried all night at work yesterday. Thinking I was with her last year at this exact same time. I feel like the most deplorable human being on the face of the earth and I didn't even kill anyone.

Anyway I know what you're going through. You have a friend here if you need one.

July 21, 2015

Hi guys, so next week I'll be 3 months NC. My ex left me for the second time almost three months ago. It was a messy breakup with a lot of confusion. One day she was telling me she loves me and wants me to move to her, and the next day she is telling me "leave me the **** alone, I have a new man!" I only spent that one day begging and pleading but she was cold and not changing her mind. I even went as far as buying a plan ticket to come see her to figure it out to which she told me to **** myself. I went NC that day. Since then it has been complete silence. I had to endure her birthday and also 4th of July but never budged on NC.

I have good weeks and bad weeks. But lately I've been having dreams about her. Some nightmares, some beautiful. It just flat out sucks. I thought by now I would have heard something from her. But no. I wasn't a perfect boyfriend, but I was loyal and loving. Bought her flowers a lot, made and bought awesome gifts, and even did the romantic candles and bath tub crap. We had an AMAZING friendship. A trip to the grocery store could bring us thousands of laughs.

Anyways, yesterday curiosity was getting the better of me. I don't have a Facebook anymore so I've never seen her these past 3 months. In fact I almost forget what she looks like. But I told my mom to look her up (whatever, I know) Turns out she wasn't lying when she said she was dating someone new. A part of me thought maybe she was just trying to get rid of me. But is aw a picture of the guy she is dating. Now, I'm not a cocky guy or anything but this guy has no striking features about him. Which I find odd, cause I think my ex could get any guy she wants... she has a rockin body, fake boobs, and beautiful face I thought. Turns out my step dad told me today he never thought she was that pretty. But I just don't see what this guy has that I don't. He looks young like me, but I also have blonde hair, blue eyes and very angelic looking. This guy looks like a backwoods hick and def is not the best looking. And I know he doesn't have anything on my personality. I never thought myself as a good looking guy, but I did always know that I'm very funny. I always had my ex cracking up. So I fail to see what this guy has that I don't? I guess when she told me she had a new man, I pictured some Calvin clein model. Let me clarify, I'm not mad at the guy or have resentment. If anything, I feel bad for him because he seems nice, like me. I guess that's the only picture of him on her Facebook. All her other pictures are of herself and her sisters but mostly just her by herself in cute poses because she LOVES all that snapchat bullcrap. I find that weird because my ex took A TON of pictures with me and she only has one of him up. She also had him cut his hair and wear ties and stuff which you can tell totally isn't his style. But that's what she did to me, and in fact I like dressing up now. But anyways, I guess I always thought of this guy as a rebound but it's been 3 months. So I guess she is pretty serious about this guy??? Idk, but that's the most snooping I've done and I had my mom do it. I'm so pitiful. All I know is this guy must really be something special to make her change her mind about me so quickly. I love her, and always will. We called eachother our soulmates. I just want her to be happy, even if it's with someone else. Please help me

July 21, 2015

I mean, besides looks, this guy seems like he would be like me. So why would she want to give up our history and familiarty for him??? And how do I stop comparing myself to him? Is there something wrong with me?

July 21, 2015

Maybe he's got a pretty meaty jollystick. Does that make you feel better?

I'm with you. If I get replaced, I want it to be some total Adonis. The feeling that I can't compete makes me feel better, makes my ego understand.

An old ex dumped me and the next time I saw her, she was dancing on the end of Santa Claus' arm. Ugh.

But you know what? Good for Santa Claus and good for her, and good for me. What I realized was that whatever she saw in him, she saw it. She saw something once in me too, then maybe she didn't, or maybe it wasn't good enough, or maybe she just got used to it and wanted something different. You know, like if you eat too much chocolate and all of a sudden vanilla hits the spot.

Whatever it was, the bottom line was that we were over, and what I needed was to go find something I'd look good in. I found there was plenty of that out there, and if she ever happened to see me, then I'm sure she compared herself to whomever was on my arm and said to herself

Hmmm, yeah, ok. I get it.

Edited July 21, 2015 by mightycpa

July 21, 2015

You'll never know why.

She probably doesn't know why either.

"It seemed like the right thing at the time, kind of."

Throw 'why' away, and ask,

"What's next for me?"

It's a much better question, and one that can be answered.

Take care.

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Hit by massive depression this past week. Will I ever get over her?

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