Hit by massive depression this past week. Will I ever get over her?

May 23, 2015

Loss is the word to describe my life right now. I met this girl and we fell in love and dated for 1.5 years. We loved together in an apartment with our puppy most of the time. It was the best of times and the worst of times. We had awesome chemistry but we fought a lot. And I don't like fighting. I love her dearly and I miss her. She dumped me twice back in March. We had some breaks but one of them finally led to her meeting some other guy on a dating website only 2 days after we decided to break. I couldn't believe it, I know she still loved me and she told me it would take her years to get over me if we ever broke up. She has always rebounded from her past 5 relationships. (I was a rebound but she said I stuck because she fell in love with me) so she dumps me for this guy and I go NC for two weeks before she comes back and apologizes and says how much she loves me. I've never seen her so broken before. We talked about our problems in the relationship and I told her I was no longer going to be her doormat. Well for the next month and half me not being a doormat caused us to bump heads more than ever. Eventually it led to her sending me this very hateful txt breaking up with me again. But she then sent a txt right after apologizing and just said that she's angry. So we don't talk for two days after that and then contact picks up again. A lot of crying to eachother and "I love you and always will's". We continue the minimum contact for the next couple days until I call her and tell her we need to make this work and I told her I would come visit her because she moved back to her hometown before all this. We talked about dates, and she said she had finals coming up and so I thought were trying to plan this trip for me to come see her. She was excited but then all the sudden tells me she doesn't want me to visit. She only wants me to come if I'm going to move there. (We always talke about when I was going to move there which I was once I was ready) I told her that's a big decision for me to make and she said she would always wait for me and said that she loves me and just wants me to come home to her and the puppy. We talked a little more and then she told me that she had some interest in this new guy she met a couple days after she sent me that hate txt. WTF??? And she said if I move there she would just stop talking to this guy. How could she just keep meeting these guys??? Well I was having trouble making my decision to move there so the next day I txt her and told her I was having issues. She ignored me. I called and she ignored my calls all day. She ignored me all the way till the next day and then finally picks up my call and tells me that I'm a psycho and I need to leave her alone! I was confused and lost and I called her back and she kept hanging up. So I said EFFF it and I bought a plane ticket right then and there and packed a bag and headed to the airport. I txt her and told I was coming so we could fix this. She txt me back and said "don't you dare freaking come here! I'm dating someone else now and have a new man in my life. Leave me alone!" Me heart shattered. I told her I was still coming and she threatens me with a. Retraining order. She calls me one more time and tells me that if I love her then I'll let her go. I told her I couldn't do that but she insisted and hung up. I turned around and went home. That was the last time we spoke. I went NC that day and it's been almost 3 weeks NC on Sunday. I'm hurting, I miss her; I think about her and this guy. It makes me so angry. I know we love eachother so wtf?????? And to make things worse it's memorial weekend. I'm a combat vet from Afghanistan and I'm stuck with the thoughts of my dead friends and other experiences. Also my abandonment issues play along side from my deployment when I get separated in a firefight from my platoon. So I have all these issues that are triggered from my breakup and I don't even have her love and support. So much loss and I can't believe I lost her to someone else. I feel like trash. Trash that has been replaced. I've started new hobbies, I see a counselor but at the end of the night... the love of my life is gone and I don't even have any closure or any apology. It's like she just disappeared. What do I do?

May 23, 2015

I feel so bad saying this, but I think you should forget about getting back with her, even if she calls you up one of these days and begs.

I don't doubt you love her or that she loves you, but you must see that she is quite unhinged and possibly doesn't love you a deeply as you love her. If she did she wouldn't be causing you such pain for no apparent reason. I know it hurts, but being with her doesn't seem healthy.

She's playing games with you, asking you to move in with her, telling you that if you do she will end a relationship she started. Why do that? Why toy with you like that simply because you refused to be her doormat?

You used to always fight and she clearly has no respect for you. She needs to get help for her commitment issues and overall treatment of romantic partners.

So my advice is to try your best to move on. You love her and so it will be hard but it's the best option for you. The truth is that you are in love with a malicious woman.

Moving on from her will be hard, but each day you leave her in the dust you should come to the realisation that you deserve better. You deserve to be loved and not toyed with.

One drastic option would be to block her phone number and delete her contact info. Seems harsh, but the last thing you want is for her to call you with excuses just when you've found your strength.

Another option if you can't do that is to write out her contact info then hide it somewhere (like have someone hide it in a random book or somewhere in your house.) This way once you've healed you can contact her in the future to see if she's made any progress in improving herself.

I can only offer you advice, but I do believe that the pain you will feel when attempting to move on from her will be worth it one day when you become stronger because you have been through such heartbreak and have come out the other end of it with a better understanding of your worth and needs.

Edited May 23, 2015 by LadyDeadpool

May 23, 2015

I'm trying to move on. I'm looking forward to Sunday because that will be my 3 week mark of NC. it's hard yes, and everyone is telling me the exact thing to erase all her contact info and stuff. But I feel like this is permanent over, so what's the point of blocking her and stuff if I'm positive I'll never hear from her again? How can you go three weeks and not talk to someone? She has to of moved on and forgotten about me.

June 7, 2015

So it's been 5 weeks. 5 weeks since the love of my life left me for someone else. I begged and pleaded for two days for her to let me come out and see her. She said I could but only if I moved to her hometown. She didn't want me to visit, but actually move. She said she loved me still and wants me to come home to her. But wouldn't let me visit? Then the next day she completely ignored me until I planned a trip right then to see her. She freaked and was cold and heartless and told me "you better not ****ing come here" then she went on to tell me that she had a new man and was dating someone else. Two days after she says she wants me to come home to her. This is the second time she broke up with me for someone else btw... The first time she came back after 2 weeks and happened about 2 months before this second time.

That was the last time we spoke. That was 5 weeks ago. I know I will maintain NC But I'm so lonely. I love her so much and we had a beautiful friendship. I'm not going to lie, I wish I had a breadcrumb just to know that I mattered. Please give me some advice guys. What her aim? I feel so broken and abandoned. (I'm going to the gym, spending time with friends etc. but it's all masked under pain and sorrow.)

June 7, 2015

Please give yourself a break. You've been betrayed and have lost someone you love. That takes time...a lot of it. You simply don't get over these things in just a few weeks.

Grieving is a process and you need to let it unfold as it will. Allow yourself to feel your hurt. It never does any good to bury it because that only delays the healing process. But also keep doing what you are doing...focus on you and doing things for yourself.

June 7, 2015

Why do you still want to be with her? She left you for someone else. I have been in your shoes but I have realised my cheating ex is not good for me.

You will feel bad for days. Please accept that this is a process that will take time. I will not lie to you, there are going to be good days and bad days.

Save your dignity, cut all ties with her friends, family etc and for god's sake, stick with No Contact.

June 9, 2015

So I'm going to tell it exactly how it all happened. I'm not going to try to spin it in my favor or paint her to look terrible. I would just love some real honest insight. We were together for 1.5 years. We lived together for more than half that. She has had many boyfriends and never stays single after them. She was even married at one point in between boyfriends. I was a rebound no doubt. But we were so similar and fell in love fast.

I struggled with my drinking problem and combat PTSD. She had an alcoholic father who drank himself to death so alcohol is a pretty big trigger for her. My biggest flaw in our relationship was hiding my drinking, and also lying about it. (Not very well). I wasn't a mean drink or anything. I would mostly just drink and watch movies with her or watch firefight videos and kind of dive into emotion. She would drink on occasion. Once I was caught taking pain pills from her purse... another time I had a seizure from too many pain pills that she witnessed. (like I said I'm being honest) That was def my biggest flaw my addictions and self medicating my PTSD. I never liked hurting her but I fully admit I had no control over my drinking. I never yelled at her, never swore, I always remebered important dates, extremely emotionally available and very empathetic and bought her the best gifts. Eventually it landed us in couples counseling.

Now for her. She supposedly has multiple personalities and BPD. Each relationship she had been in ended with her leaving and already having a new guy lined up. Even when she left her husband. I think only one of her relationships she was the dumpee. That was the one right before she came knocking on my door. She had wayyyy more guy friends than girlfriends and was always snap chatting which I don't have. It's like she mentioned a new guy friend every week. But we had an open phone policy. She could go through my phone and I could go through hers as long as we ask first. I have nothing to hide so that's why I don't see a problem with that. She was always snooping through my phone many times and I only went through hers once. She would always be sneaky about mine... never found anything. She had rage problems and would say very mean hurtful things all the time. She would even say stuff like "if you can't give it to me, I can get it somewhere else" if I wasn't in the mood for sex. That hurt so much everytime she said it. Any little thing would piss her off and I wondered why she couldn't be happy ever. She would always threaten me and act vengeful if she didn't get what she wanted. Eventually I became a doormat. She would always say she hated our apartment that she wanted, hated taking care of the puppy that she wanted always searching for something to make her happy only to hate it later. So I suggested we move to her hometown so she can be close to family. I would follow her once she found a house. That's what we did.

The breakup: things got bad when she moved home. I sent her a valentines box with cute **** and a very expensive Russian nesting doll. She didn't get me anything.... Her excuse was that she didn't know i was getting her anything but I told her for a week before that I was sending her a box for valentines day. She started feeling lonely and wasn't getting her physical needs met. I was trying my best but I felt we still had a lot to work on before I move to her. She didn't like that obviously and she broke up with me. We didn't talk for 4 days until I called her and told her to let me come see her. She said she had been on a date with some guy she met at the gym during those 4 days. The next day I begged her to let me come see her but she said no and was so cold and heartless. It was like I was speaking to a stranger. We didn't talk for the next 3 weeks. She came back and said she wasn't over me and loved me and I took her back. Turns out that guy from the gym she actually met on a dating site. We got back together and within a couple weeks I flew out to her hometown to see her. But I went with this attitude of not going to be her doormat.

When I was there she would fight and threaten me whenever I didn't do everything she asked of me. Stupid petty stuff like curl her hair for her or something. She said I turned into an ******* now. I came back home and told her we have some serious work to do, she agreed. But after a couple weeks she was talking about her physical needs. Like she would rather throw everything away instead of working on us. Her bday was coming up and she wanted to see me for it. I had just got back from the previous trip where we fought for 5 days straight and told her that wasn't a good idea. She said she sick of not having a boyfriend around and all her friends wonder why her bf isn't with her around her birthday. Once I still by my decision she aent me a long hurtful txt message. Ripping into me and telling me we were through. I was soooo hurt. After 5 mins she sent another txt apologizing and taking it all back. I couldn't even respond because of the thins she said. We didn't talk for the next 2 days until I txt her. The next 4 days were light contact. Very emotional and we spent many times apologizing to eachother and saying "I love you's forevers". She said she would always wait for me. On that fourth day I called her and told her I hated being away from her. I told her I would come see her before her birthday if that's what she wanted. She was happy with idea at first but then she slowly started saying how she had finals and stuff but she still loved me and wants me to come home to her. We talked about flights but I couldn't get anything to stick with her. Them all the sudden she starts telling me that she doesn't want me to visit... she only wants to see me if I move there. Then she says that she met someone 2 days after she sent me that hurtful txt. I was thinking "again?? Seriously?" Brand new guy. She says that it doesn't take her long to move on, almost bragging about it in a way. But she said if I move there she will tell this new guy to kick rocks. We argued and the conversation ended with her telling me she'll wait for my decision. I didn't reply because I had a lot of thinking to do.

The next day I txt her. No response. I called. No answer. I blew up her phone no doubt but she ignored everything. This lasted a whole day until the day after she finally picked up screaming at me and calling me a psycho. She hung up after telling me to leave her alone. I couldn't believe all it happened over night. So I bought a plane ticket to come see her and txt her I was coming. I was driving to the airport when I got a response "don't you dare ****ing come here, I have a new man in my life and am dating someone else". I was devestaed. I begged a little more and then she threatened me with a restraining order. She txt my mom and told her that we had been broken up for a week already and she has moved on and not to let me come see her. So I turned around. I txt her one last time and said goodbye. That was 5 weeks ago and haven't talked to her since. She now has everything. A lot of my stuff, all our furniture and our puppy. I have nothing. I didn't even txt her on her birthday that's how commited I am to NC. I'm still hurting tho. Very badly. It's like I just woke up and she's gone and I'm abandoned... replaced :/.

June 9, 2015

Oh, man...the nicest thing this chick has ever done for you is getting that new man so she'll leave you alone. What a mess, you dodged a number of bullets there.

That being said, I know it still hurts. No matter how sh*tty our exs were, it still hurts. You mentioned PTSD, and I'm wondering if you are seeing someone for that. This is going to send you into a tailspin, and I'd suggest professional help to cope with the loss of this relationship on top of everything else you've got going on.

I'd definitely recommend No freakin' Contact with her. Get your stuff ASAP and then just vanish. It wouldn't surprise me if she will try to drag you back in if she senses any little opening. Luckily she left you plenty of reasons to remind you why to stay away, when/if the urge to contact her gets strong.

Hang in there. Keep posting here, there's plenty of others around with toxic exs who are happy to help you with all this.

June 9, 2015

Oh yes I should have mentioned that. I am getting help for my PTSD and drinking. I'm 39 days NC and 45 days sober. So they are pretty close to eachother. I have a counselor through the VA, in the same office that our old couples counselor worked in. I also have a weekly group session. So yea as far as my vices go... I've got them covered. I really appreciate your input. I guess 39 days NC really isn't that long yet? So it's okay to still be feeling crummy?

June 10, 2015

Congratulations on with your sobriety and your NC. I'm glad you're getting help, too. My brother-in-law has PTSD, also former military, and he fought it for so long. He finally got help, and always says he can't believe he suffered for so long. That's great that you're taking care of it.

But anyway...yes, I'd say it's perfectly normal for you to feel crummy after only 39 days. I don't think I ever really started feeling alright before the two month mark, at any rate. And none of my relationships were the mess yours ended up to be. So don't worry about that. You're past the worst part, immediately post-breakup, but not quite to feeling all there yet. And you'll have ups and downs too, but that's normal too. I think the biggest thing to realize is that it's ok to feel sad, it's ok to miss her (regardless of how mean she could be, I know she had her good moments too). You'll get through this.

June 10, 2015

Should I feel any blame for this breakup as far as my lying about my drinking goes? That kind of all happened in the beginning of relationship, but still. She said she could never trust me even tho that was the only thing I struggled with. I never talked to any other girls or did anything with anyone else and really did truly love her and showed her all the time. But after those months of her catching me in lies about my drinking... She would always say she could never trust me. But I never have her any reasons for her to think I was cheating (something she always was insecure about). And I started AA when she moved home and was sober for the entire time until the breakup. So we went a good couple months were I changed that and it was like it wasn't good enough and we still had all out regular problems even tho she said all our problems came from my lying about drinking. I fixed that and we still had the same issues. But still, was I that bad that she had to end it because I'm just a ****ty, lying, addict bf?

June 10, 2015

I think that, yes, your lying about your drinking did have some to do with the relationship not working, but she looks like the type of person to look for ANY excuse to take blame off her. I think she is a very needy, demanding person who will get things her way at any cost, and regardless of the damage she does to others. I've noticed that people like that keep coming back to issues in the relationship early on, when they give a reason for ending things. And I think they do it because they find an "out" right away so they can bail quickly when they get bored or find someone else. I've seen it a bit on here, and it's always done by people who are like your ex, gotta be THEIR way, they make almost impossible demands, and blow up and act way out of proportion to the actual situation. Like your ex wanting you to be there for her birhtday and basically finding another guy when it was looking like you couldn't make it. They aren't ever going to be happy.

I wouldn't beat yourself up about it. You screwed up, but you know that and were even working on it during the relationship. Just learn from it, and don't make the same mistake twice, you know? Nobody's perfect, and admitting your faults and fixing them is a hard thing to do.

Oh, and her saying she couldn't trust you? That was just her projecting her own guilt onto you. That's all her, not you.

June 10, 2015

Damn! Sounded disastrous from the get-go, the combination of her crazy personality, BPD and sensitivity to drinking combined with your addiction issues was just asking for trouble.

That being said, it sounds like you're a nice guy who's making solid forward progress while she's as bat **** crazy as ever and is not moving forward at all. I think you're better off without her, go meet someone even better, continue focusing on you and you'll end up with someone who doesn't drive you crazy, threaten to leave you or brag about how easy it is for them to move on.

June 10, 2015

I am sorry about the break up. It must of been hard since it ended abruptly. Maybe this is a good opportunity for you to take time for yourself. When we take the time to deal with our personal issues before dating, we open the door up for better fulfilling relationships. Good job on staying sober!

kdgsupermom

June 23, 2015

My story has been posted her a couple times if you want to look at it. On Fathers DAy it was officially 7 weeks NC. Around 5 weeks nc I was starting to make progress. I'm at the gym everyday and seeing my friends. Then Father's Day came around. My ex gf's father was terrible to her and her sister and drank himself to death about 3 years ago. She would call me "daddy" when we first started dating and eventually that was my main pet name. A little different, but sometimes sexy and cute when she would act little and playful. She would even buy me gifts and celebrate me for Father's Day (maybe strange but I didn't care, I loved her and loved taking care of her more) so safe to say that Sunday I was thinking about her a lot. A part of me thought I would hear from her but she probably is calling her new guy daddy and doesn't even think twice about me. I made it through the day and as I went to sleep accepted I wouldn't hear from her. The next day I woke up with a huge hole in my heart, a void that I hadn't felt since the first couple weeks of NC. I cried almost all day yesterday for the first time in a while. I thought I was done crying. I hate still being hung up on her. I wish it would just be over her already. I love her to death and wish I was still the one taking care of her. Almost 2 months NC and I don't know what I'm doing wrong? Please please give me some advice. Anything at all, it helps to hear even a sentence from random strangers to just tell me that things will get better.

June 23, 2015

It will get better my friend, it's only 2 months NC, ups and downs. I'm in the same boat as you, but in order for you to stop feeling so $hitty you really need to let go.

Do you want someone in your life who dropped you? Was your relationship really as perfect as you think it was in your head? Clearly not, or it wouldn't be over.

Let go of hope and your healing will increase tenfold. Who knows what will happen in our future? But atleast try focus on the PRESENT (YOU and YOUR healing).

Stay strong buddy

June 23, 2015

She would call me "daddy" when we first started dating and eventually that was my main pet name.

We have no idea what you're doing, so it's hard to say that you're doing it right or wrong.

What are you doing while you don't contact her? Spending time at the shrine in your closet? Exercising? Stalking her on FB? Taking a class?

Details, my friend, details about you and your activities.

June 24, 2015

Lol well my NC is 100%. I have absolutley no idea what she's up to. We never had Facebook when we were together because we both agreed that it causes to much drama in a relationship. The only thing I know is that she deactivated her Facebook a couple days before ending it with me completely. Other than that, the last thing she ever said to me was "leave me alone, I have a new man in my life and if you love me, you'll let me go" I never reactivated my Facebook so I haven't done ANY social media stalking whatsoever. I have no pictures of her on my phone, every gift, every reminder of her has been thrown out. I almost forget what she looks like. In the meantime I exercise 6 days a week. I've always been in the gym so exercise has always been there and isn't hard for me to maintain. I have a clean diet and have started a few new hobbies. I just get into these swarms were emotion we'll come into my head flooding. And I think that's because I genuinely love her and miss her, also I'm lonely. My phone doesn't ever make a peep anymore, I see my friends on occasion when they aren't working or with their gf's. Other than that, it's just me. :/

June 24, 2015

Give yourself a break my man.. It takes time. You're doing all the right things to move past that failed relationship. Most people can't do the hardcore NC but the ones like you, heal the fastest.

You have to remember that your still breaking the habit of her and the relationship. It takes time. You're almost 2 months now. It will get easier and easier as the coming weeks go by.

Now, you've accepted it's over and she's moved on. You're hitting the gym hard. What's keeping you from moving on and maybe casually dating in the coming weeks? It helped me and I started dating about 2 months post break up. You said you were lonely. There's MILLIONS of women that are lonely too.

If you're up to it, stick your foot in the dating pool. The distraction of dating can be a good thing. You never know, you just could find your life partner.

June 24, 2015

I'm 6 weeks NC. It was horrible in the beginning, then all of a sudden I did better, then like you, I was triggered by something and it set me back for days, almost like I felt in the beginning, and now I'm coming out of it. So what I'm saying is, it's normal, up, down, up, down, and soon you'll regain some balance again in your life. Your mood may continue to be somewhat depressed as it takes time to mourn loss but you're doing well, just keep it up.

June 24, 2015

Honestly I don't really know where to meet women. She was only my second gf. I'm in shape and I don't mean to sound cocky but I did get dealt a pretty good hand when it comes to being attractive. I don't see myself the way other people see me tho. I'm not working or going to school, partly because I'm working on my combat PTSD. So as I stated, I don't have much face time with any girls except for the gym, but I hear girls find it creepy to get approached at the gym but idk.

June 24, 2015

It's almost been two months NC. Yesterday I had made a post because I wasn't feeling all that strong after the weekend. And here I am again. My ex weighs heavily on my mind. I miss her terribly and think about her constantly even after two months. Anyways, I had been talking to this girl two weeks ago. She recently broke up with her bf and I started giving her advice as she knew my ex recently dumped me. I hung out with her twice before last night. There's was nothing more than cuddling and kissing and movies. We both agreed we weren't ready for anything serious. Last night she really wants me to come over. So I do. As we lay in bed she was adamant about us having sex, almost to the point that it was obnoxious. She seriously tried for two hours and I knew I just wasn't ready, partly because the entire time I'm holding her and kissing her I'm imagining my ex. She is extremely persistent and so finally I give in. But wouldn't you know it, I can't stay hard. Never been a problem before. Nothing about her seemed "familiar" her body the way she moved, it all just seemed so "wrong". This isn't the girl I'm in love with. But knowing my ex she's either been banging out her new bf every night, or they split and she was already in the pants of someone else. So why can't i do the same? I explained to the girl what was going on. She understood for the most part and so we just fell asleep. I woke up early this morning to the sun pound my face and drove home. On the drive home I broke down in a panic. I was crying the hardest I've cried since day 2 of NC. Now I'm completely scared of trying to be intimate with someone else down the road. How will I ever love someone like her again? What is she up to? Does she miss me? Why can't I just move on? I want my life back already!!!!

June 24, 2015

Much too much, much too soon.

Don't put yourself in that position again.

With the passage of time, and some healing, you will be able to enjoy sexual intimacy again, but that time is not yet.

Much too much, much too soon.

Take care.

June 24, 2015

Sorry, it sounds stressful all round.

We bond with other people - our children, family, pets, and lovers. Bonding doesn't always happen, as it's an unconscious process to do with familiarity, scent, and so on, but when it does it is very powerful. It takes a great deal to gradually untangle these unconscious 'tendrils' that tie us to others. It will happen, but you need to allow yourself time to get to that stage. What you described was a realisation that bonds are powerful and not that easily ignored. It doesn't mean to say, you will always feel like this but that becoming 'unbound' is a gradual process and not a rational one.

June 24, 2015

I'm really sorry about what happened. I think you're just being too harsh with yourself. You're not ready to date yet. Give it some time, you will be ok

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Hit by massive depression this past week. Will I ever get over her?

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