katiegrl Posted July 26, 2015 Posted July 26, 2015 OP you said you 'took her off the pedestal' You put her there in the first place. That is a long way to fall and it holds way too many expectations for a normal human being. You said you pushed too fast with this relationship. You don't like that she doesn't initiate and is not as affectionate as you want. You probably have never given her a bat's chance to miss you. You also didn't just respect that she needed space by sending needy long texts. If you hadn't put her on the pedestal initially then you would have been able to see that you deal wit relationships differently. If you were more secure in yourself you would have either been able to deal with that or leave when you realised it. Rushing things and neediness are major turn offs for most rational people. I feel so sorry for her, she is seemingly required to feel obligated and under pressure to behave in a different way in the relationship which should at this stage be fun and easy going for her and for you. She can't do right by you so she may as well not even try. If I were her you would be written out of the context of my life. I am sad to hear of her Uncle but that isn't what has halted this. I'm pretty appalled at some of the reactions of folk, especially those who have lost anyone close or even related to be honest. Everyone deals with death differently and it's not just a 'me' thing ever. There's other loved ones to think of always and how they deal with it impacts too. Gemma, I agree everyone deals with death differently, and that some people need space to grieve, deal with loved ones and the loss in general. However in the OP's case with this girl, given her behavior prior to even discovering her uncle was ill, let alone dying, it is clear something was off with how she was feeling way before her uncle's passing, as evidenced by the OP feeling like his needs were not being met, and not being happy with her behavior, etc. Frankly, given how unhappy he was with her *behavior* even prior to her uncle dying, I have no idea why he would even be considering staying in this RL. I highly doubt SHE does, again given her behavior even prior to her uncle dying.
elaine567 Posted July 26, 2015 Posted July 26, 2015 Ugh. There is nothing less appealing than a whiney, needy Beta male. Honestly. There isn't. Here she is dealing with a death in her family and you're whining that she's not paying enough attention to you. Ugh. ^^^^this^^^^ Her: I am in bits, what a shock, I never thought he would die. Mum and Dad are in bits, Auntie Mary is in bits, the kids are all over the place... I'm going to have to help. Him: Wah wah wah, gimme some affection... Her: Can't you see there is pandemonium here. Him; Wah wah wah, please I need affection. Her: Grow up, my uncle is dead. D.E.A.D. dead. My family need me, sort yourself out. 1
GemmaUK Posted July 26, 2015 Posted July 26, 2015 Gemma, I agree everyone deals with death differently, and that some people need space to grieve, deal with loved ones and the loss in general. However in the OP's case with this girl, given her behavior prior to even discovering her uncle was ill, let alone dying, it is clear something was off with how she was feeling way before her uncle's passing, as evidenced by the OP feeling like his needs were not being met, and not being happy with her behavior, etc. Frankly, given how unhappy he was with her *behavior* even prior to her uncle dying, I have no idea why he would even be considering staying in this RL. I highly doubt SHE does, again given her behavior even prior to her uncle dying. That was what I was saying, (there is no need to 'correct' me KG) which is why I wasn't focusing on her uncle's death. It sounds like you didn't actually read my post to be honest. However, no matter as it was the OP I was responding to.
katiegrl Posted July 26, 2015 Posted July 26, 2015 OP you said you 'took her off the pedestal' You put her there in the first place. That is a long way to fall and it holds way too many expectations for a normal human being. You said you pushed too fast with this relationship. You don't like that she doesn't initiate and is not as affectionate as you want. You probably have never given her a bat's chance to miss you. You also didn't just respect that she needed space by sending needy long texts. If you hadn't put her on the pedestal initially then you would have been able to see that you deal wit relationships differently. If you were more secure in yourself you would have either been able to deal with that or leave when you realised it. Rushing things and neediness are major turn offs for most rational people. I feel so sorry for her, she is seemingly required to feel obligated and under pressure to behave in a different way in the relationship which should at this stage be fun and easy going for her and for you. She can't do right by you so she may as well not even try. If I were her you would be written out of the context of my life. I am sad to hear of her Uncle but that isn't what has halted this. I'm pretty appalled at some of the reactions of folk, especially those who have lost anyone close or even related to be honest. Everyone deals with death differently and it's not just a 'me' thing ever. There's other loved ones to think of always and how they deal with it impacts too. Gemma, forgot to mention in my previous post that I DO agree with your above post though! Tried to edit my post to say that, but was too late.
katiegrl Posted July 26, 2015 Posted July 26, 2015 That was what I was saying, (there is no need to 'correct' me KG) which is why I wasn't focusing on her uncle's death. It sounds like you didn't actually read my post to be honest. However, no matter as it was the OP I was responding to. Oh I know I just re-posted to say I agreed with what you said. Yeah, someting got lost in translation there, and I misinterpreted ....my bad, sorry.
Author towardthefuture Posted July 26, 2015 Author Posted July 26, 2015 Yeah it's definitely a learning experience. I think I was progressively more needy and anxious as this thing went on. I definitely didn't give her enough space to miss me. I was conscious of it so I'd not message her for a couple of day and then when she'd finally message me I'd respond relatively quickly. Made myself too available and then this needy text was the nail in my coffin. Like everyone says the relationship wasn't going to work out probably. It wasn't a natural fit. I'm going to tell myself it's over and just move on. Live and learn.
Space Ritual Posted July 26, 2015 Posted July 26, 2015 Yeah it's definitely a learning experience. I think I was progressively more needy and anxious as this thing went on. I definitely didn't give her enough space to miss me. I was conscious of it so I'd not message her for a couple of day and then when she'd finally message me I'd respond relatively quickly. Made myself too available and then this needy text was the nail in my coffin. Like everyone says the relationship wasn't going to work out probably. It wasn't a natural fit. I'm going to tell myself it's over and just move on. Live and learn. Actually, I think that is good thing for you to do. We are all human and regardless of what happened, when we come off as needy, or insecure, it usually makes a negative impression on our partners. Not saying that it is right or wrong, but perception is reality to most. You just happened to have had rotten luck having this happen at a time when you already felt your needs were not being met. Don't beat yourself up about it. It happens. The best advice I can possibly give you is to move forward and chalk this one up to experience. In few years time I assure you that you will be able to laugh this off and deposit the experience in the "What the hell was I thinking"? department. Good Luck:)
Rejected Rosebud Posted July 26, 2015 Posted July 26, 2015 Um it's her uncle not her parents dying. ... Who needs days to recover from a uncle? !?! I personally think it's weak to not be able to talk to a person you're truly into just because a NON immediate family member dies ....... um that's just weird IMO, how do you know how close she was with her uncle? How do you know how close her mom or dad was with their BROTHER and how much grief there is in the family ??? :eek: Anyway if somebody is sick and dying in your family, you were already having some issues with the guy and then he barrages you with drunk texting and all that while you are trying to deal with your family then he pretty much shot himself in his foot!! Sorry but if you're really into someone after two months then you don't just pull away and need space (days without talking) just because a non immediate family member dies..... My uncle died earlier this year I was very upset yet I'd still not need days of not talking with a man I was truly into....... Leigh 87 I think I get that you don't react or feel the same way that I or most other people I know do but srsly you are unique, alot of people are going to put brakes on a new relationship if something serious in the family happens. It's normal. 5
devilish innocent Posted July 27, 2015 Posted July 27, 2015 I don't think your message would have been the nail in the coffin if she really liked you. I think things were pretty one-sided to begin with though. She wasn't that certain about her feelings. I expect she won't come back, but it's because the relationship already wasn't going to work. 1
Author towardthefuture Posted July 29, 2015 Author Posted July 29, 2015 Update here, she messaged me yesterday saying she saw something on my fb she liked, I said thanks then she said thanks for apologizing to which I responded yeah sorry about that -- hey I'd love to see you when are you free? No pressure let me know if you need more space. To which she replied " yeah...the funeral is tomorrow. so i'm not quite there yet. but yeah, definitely can hang out after everything has passed. i'll let you know. thanks for understanding." Then I replied something liked Absolutely, keep your chin up. Thoughts?
wb1988 Posted July 29, 2015 Posted July 29, 2015 I think everyone is super sensitive. OP, you are right it's just an uncle who needs to recover from that. If I had to recover from the loss of a distant relative, a pet, etc then I'd be forever recovering. Only things that matter are your parents and very close friends/family. If she was even slightly into you she'd incorporate you into her life. The uncle thing is just an excuse. Also it's already a red flag that you had problems in the first few weeks, normally it's at least a month before you have issues. Move on.
katiegrl Posted July 29, 2015 Posted July 29, 2015 (edited) Update here, she messaged me yesterday saying she saw something on my fb she liked, I said thanks then she said thanks for apologizing to which I responded yeah sorry about that -- hey I'd love to see you when are you free? No pressure let me know if you need more space. To which she replied " yeah...the funeral is tomorrow. so i'm not quite there yet. but yeah, definitely can hang out after everything has passed. i'll let you know. thanks for understanding." Then I replied something liked Absolutely, keep your chin up. Thoughts? Not to sound cynical, but man she's really milking this thing for all it's worth, isn't she....I mean it's sad about her uncle and it's okay to BE sad....but needing all this space from her own boyfriend (the man she should be turning to for strength and support) because of it is a little much. I mean if she has time to spend on Facebook, one would assume she has time to spend with her own boyfriend for god's sake. Something's not jiving. JMO Edited July 29, 2015 by katiegrl
Leigh 87 Posted July 30, 2015 Posted July 30, 2015 Oh what an example. I am dating a new guy. So we have only started hhanging out recently. We haven't been intimate. His uncle died last week. He is attending his funeral today. He was extremely close to his uncle. He's just devastated. His mother has flown down from where she resides and my guy is comforting her. Guess what ? We have talked daily and hung out a few times this week .. Only today is the day of his uncles funeral. While he's said that he obviously isn't in a state to chat as much as usual nor see me in his grieving state ( which I knew would be the case since he was so close to his uncle) he still texted me today. Normal people don't need days of silence to recover from an uncle dying irrespective of how close the are. However it was mighty selfish of you to send that spiel to her regarding your misgivings about your relationship. I am totally backing off today since he's attending a funeral for instance and I wouldn't dream of making this difficult day for him about ME and MY issues. She had no business wanting days of space from even talking to you, however, maybe now wasn't the best time to have a go at her about your relationship woes? 1
GemmaUK Posted July 30, 2015 Posted July 30, 2015 Not to sound cynical, but man she's really milking this thing for all it's worth, isn't she....I mean it's sad about her uncle and it's okay to BE sad....but needing all this space from her own boyfriend (the man she should be turning to for strength and support) because of it is a little much. I mean if she has time to spend on Facebook, one would assume she has time to spend with her own boyfriend for god's sake. Something's not jiving. JMO I don't think she is milking it. His behaviour - moving too far too fast and basically smothering her from the sound of what he posted is the reason she needed space in the first place. I recall just after I had split from my last ex - he too was very smothering, controlling, insecure etc etc and right after I ended it I had 3 weeks where I had no choice but to work very late nights and also weekends, not long after that my house got flooded so I had months of being in dis-array and with the insurance workmen in sorting all of the damage out. I remember thinking that there was no way in hell I would have been able to cope with those things and my ex's smothering behaviour at the same time as his behaviour in itself was exhausting. OP, for this to possibly go anywhere you need to be consistent but consistently much calmer and les anxious about things. Give her some space and a chance to miss you. Don't go back to your old ways as you will just crowd her all over again. 1
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