Is this recoverable?

[towardthefuture]

Have been dating a girl for two months. In the last few weeks problems started appearing. I started taking her off the pedestal and was acknowledging that she did things that I really didn't like. Main thing is that she didn't initiate conversation and didn't show affection. She also was starting to have problems with me -- namely that I overthink things and I was putting her off with anxiety. I think the basic source of these problems is that I got out of a looooong term relationship last year and I got into relationship mode too fast and she's only ever been in one relationship and doesn't know how to be in a relationship, plus I was going too far too fast.

 

So then in the last week her uncle started getting sick and she majorly pulled away, understandably. Then her uncle died (~wednesday) and she told me she can't deal with this right now and she needs space. I said sure.

 

Then last night I got really drunk and sent a long, very needy drunk message about how I didn't like the way she treated me and I need affection to feel liked. She responded something like "Sorry, I'm just going through a rough time right now and you're not my priority. I hope you can understand that." To which I responded with another long needy message.

 

This afternoon I sent a brief apology, 2-3 sentences, put the ball in her court and I intend to just forget her, NC and treat it like the things over.

 

Do you think this is recoverable or should I just assume we're done and move on?

[Jemay]

Man, her uncle just died and she said she needed space, even said she hopes you understand, and you're gonna pull a NC on her and stress her out more? Wow... talk about selfish.

[Gaeta]

Why would you even want to recover this if after a short time you 2 already resent each other for a number of behavior?

 

Dating is about exploring and finding a compatible partner. You know already you are not compatible.

 

Find yourself a nice affectionate lady that will make you a priority.

[ExpatInItaly]

What exactly did you say in these long and needy messages to her?

[TunaCat]

It's been two months. Of COURSE you aren't her priority.

 

Plus her uncle just died????

 

I don't know about you but I am VERY close to my family and would be heartbroken if my uncle died.

 

Getting needy/drunk texts from a guy who I've known for 2 months would only stress me out more.

 

You screwed up. You need to leave her alone.

[Leigh 87]

Um it's her uncle not her parents dying. ...

 

Who needs days to recover from a uncle? !?!

 

I personally think it's weak to not be able to talk to a person you're truly into just because a NON immediate family member dies .......

 

After 2 months that's well enough time to know if you're really into someone and people who are going to fall madly and intensely in love are nearly there by now.

 

Sorry but if you're really into someone after two months then you don't just pull away and need space (days without talking) just because a non immediate family member dies.....

 

My uncle died earlier this year I was very upset yet I'd still not need days of not talking with a man I was truly into.......

[Jemay]

Um it's her uncle not her parents dying. ...

 

Who needs days to recover from a uncle? !?!

NON immediate family member dies .......

 

 

 

:eek::eek::eek::eek::eek:

[towardthefuture]

Man, her uncle just died and she said she needed space, even said she hopes you understand, and you're gonna pull a NC on her and stress her out more? Wow... talk about selfish.

 

I'm going to give her space. Sending the message was very selfish. I apologized for it. I'm just going to leave her alone -- since she's not talking to me I assume she doesn't want to talk to me.

 

Why would you even want to recover this if after a short time you 2 already resent each other for a number of behavior?

 

Dating is about exploring and finding a compatible partner. You know already you are not compatible.

 

Find yourself a nice affectionate lady that will make you a priority.

 

This uncle thing came at a bad time. I had this bubbling up, I was planning on saying something like 'my needs aren't being met, and I need them to be met or maybe this thing's not working out' and then the uncle died and she said she didn't want to talk.

 

What exactly did you say in these long and needy messages to her?

 

Something along the lines of you're not affectionate, I need and deserve affection, I don't feel happy or valued. Here's a quote

 

"I need affection, I need to feel like I'm not doing all the heavy lifting, I need to know my partner likes me -- and whether it's because you don't, or it's bad timing and you're distracted, or you just don't know how to show affection -- I don't feel good in this position where I'm trying to make you like me and I'm deeply afraid to open up any more and get hurt."

 

The first message is roughly that long and the second message after she responded saying I'm not her priority right now is maybe 2x longer than that.

 

You don't have to tell me it was a mistake, I know that.

 

It's been two months. Of COURSE you aren't her priority.

 

Plus her uncle just died????

 

I don't know about you but I am VERY close to my family and would be heartbroken if my uncle died.

 

Getting needy/drunk texts from a guy who I've known for 2 months would only stress me out more.

 

You screwed up. You need to leave her alone.

 

I completely agree. Today I sent "Sorry, I was very drunk when I sent that. It was insensitive and I know your priority has to be your family and grieving, I just ****ed up. Whenever you're feeling better feel free to hit me up but I understand if you don't want to after that. I want to support you but I understand I am.... or was a new part of your life and all I can do is give you space. My heart goes out to you in this difficult time." and I'm going to completely leave her alone.

 

The question isn't whether I screwed up -- it's did I screw up so bad there's no possibility of coming back?

 

Um it's her uncle not her parents dying. ...

 

Who needs days to recover from a uncle? !?!

 

I personally think it's weak to not be able to talk to a person you're truly into just because a NON immediate family member dies .......

 

After 2 months that's well enough time to know if you're really into someone and people who are going to fall madly and intensely in love are nearly there by now.

 

Sorry but if you're really into someone after two months then you don't just pull away and need space (days without talking) just because a non immediate family member dies.....

 

My uncle died earlier this year I was very upset yet I'd still not need days of not talking with a man I was truly into.......

 

This is how I felt when she asked for space initially. I think it hit her harder than I would expect, I think because she has a small but close family. Before that happened I was feeling like 'boy this is supposed to be the honeymoon period but 1) she never initiates conversation 2) she never shows affection and 3) she just plain doesn't seem to like me that much even though she says she does' I was going to have a 'state of the (thing)' conversation and be like 'I'm not happy, I want to date you and I like you a lot but this isn't really working for me'.

 

Then she asked for space and I was like okay. Then I got drunk and sent my thoughts on the 'relationship' anyway.

[highseas]

I think your apology is decent and gives her space and puts the ball in her court to reach out to you when and if she is ready again. I would not contact her for at least a whole full week or so. And if, by that time, you still haven't heard back from her and are dying to know what's going on, maybe you can send something to ask her how she is doing and coping with the family tragedy (but don't talk about your feelings and so on).

 

You definitely need to exercise a lot of self-control now to show that you mean it when you say you'll give her space at this difficult time. All you can do now is wait...it'll be hard.

[Leigh 87]

:eek::eek::eek::eek::eek:

 

Sorry.

 

I don't see the need for days to recover from an uncle.

 

Days of not talking to your partner ?

 

I understand laying low a day now partying or going out as often ...

 

BUT to have total space for days over an uncle ?

[Gaeta]

Sorry.

 

I don't see the need for days to recover from an uncle.

 

Days of not talking to your partner ?

 

I understand laying low a day now partying or going out as often ...

 

BUT to have total space for days over an uncle ?

 

There is no way to know how close she was to that uncle. I have uncles and aunts I am extremely close to as they were a big part of my life when I grew up.

 

I also don't find it normal to ask for days of silence but not for the same reasons. I think OP's girlfriend isn't into him (she is not affectionate) and she will probably break up with him once she comes out of her silence. Their relationship is young and they already have too many issues with each other.

[Leigh 87]

There is no way to know how close she was to that uncle. I have uncles and aunts I am extremely close to as they were a big part of my life when I grew up.

 

I also don't find it normal to ask for days of silence but not for the same reasons. I think OP's girlfriend isn't into him (she is not affectionate) and she will probably break up with him once she comes out of her silence. Their relationship is young and they already have too many issues with each other.

 

But it's still ridiculous to need days of space over an Uncle dying.

[Gaeta]

But it's still ridiculous to need days of space over an Uncle dying.

 

I think so too.

 

When my ex-husband died I was devastated and I had to deal with a completely broken down daughter. I was about 1 month into a relationship and it never ever crossed my mind to ask him for space. On contrary I was looking forward to have his arms around me and hear him say he was so sorry and he was there for me.

 

The death of her uncle is an excuse. Look at everything OP isn't happy with in their relationship. I don't understand why he wants to continue this relationship.

[towardthefuture]

There is no way to know how close she was to that uncle. I have uncles and aunts I am extremely close to as they were a big part of my life when I grew up.

 

I also don't find it normal to ask for days of silence but not for the same reasons. I think OP's girlfriend isn't into him (she is not affectionate) and she will probably break up with him once she comes out of her silence. Their relationship is young and they already have too many issues with each other.

 

I think she was extremely close to that uncle. Re: not affectionate, I was really insecure for the first several weeks because I felt like it meant she doesn't like me. Then after talking with her and getting to know her a little better, I think she's just not affectionate at all. It went from "She's not affectionate, maybe she doesn't like me" to "She's not affectionate. I don't like that about her"

 

But maybe it's really a combination of both. Either way I think it's pretty likely she'll break up with me when or if I ever hear from her again

 

re: why I want to continue the relationships... I don't want to continue it if she doesn't change her behavior, I was gearing up to give a kind of shape up or ship out speech before the death. But if she does change her behavior, I really do want to continue getting to know her.

[TunaCat]

But it's still ridiculous to need days of space over an Uncle dying.

 

In your opinion, it is.

 

That does not mean that everyone has the exact same feelings about their uncle.

 

I am very, VERY close to my uncle and I would absolutely need days of space after he passed away.

[Leigh 87]

In your opinion, it is.

 

That does not mean that everyone has the exact same feelings about their uncle.

 

I am very, VERY close to my uncle and I would absolutely need days of space after he passed away.

 

Physical space.

 

But there's no need to cut contact for days.

 

Not even a text ?

 

Come on now.

[aisuru]

I don't think after the death of a family member is the time to initiate a conversation about how your needs aren't being met in your dating relationship with her. Regardless of whether you were feeling that way already before the family death or not.

 

That's actually pretty selfish and needy and insecure on your part.

 

If I were her, I would also be put off and likely shut you down real fast.

 

I think you know this though. Back off and give her space. She may or may not come around but I think you're going to have to wait for her to make the next move.

[kenmore]

Her silence is the breakup. Sorry, it's over. It's time to regroup and move on.

 

Your first mistake (that I saw) was

"I started taking her off the pedestal and was acknowledging that she did things that I really didn't like. Main thing is that she didn't initiate conversation and didn't show affection. She also was starting to have problems with me -- namely that I overthink things and I was putting her off with anxiety. I think the basic source of these problems is that I got out of a looooong term relationship last year and I got into relationship mode too fast and she's only ever been in one relationship and doesn't know how to be in a relationship, plus I was going too far too fast."

after that, it was all downhill.

 

Sorry, but you aren't allowed any mistakes. They are never forgiven. The sooner you know that, the less stressful your life will be. You are definitely never allowed drunk texts! Those mean you have been drinking too much; an unforgivable offense! Worse, you showed poor judgement while drunk. Do you have any idea how seldom that happens?

 

I agree with Gaeta in that this relationship wasn't working out anyway and honestly I'd be very surprised if you ever hear from her again. The best advice is to not apologize ever again (you did that) and wait to hear from the dead end. Meanwhile, start looking around. Another thing you need to know is silence is the most common way for a woman to break up, so consider each day another paragraph of it. It has to do with texting, Facebook etc and non-confrontational attitudes from never actually facing people in real life. Ignoring people has become the disgusting trend.

 

I wish you peace and a better relationship next time. Finally, to answer your question in case you have any more doubts, it's no.

 

Ken

[Lois_Griffin]

Then last night I got really drunk and sent a long, very needy drunk message about how I didn't like the way she treated me and I need affection to feel liked. She responded something like "Sorry, I'm just going through a rough time right now and you're not my priority. I hope you can understand that." To which I responded with another long needy message.

Ugh.

 

There is nothing less appealing than a whiney, needy Beta male. Honestly. There isn't.

 

Drunk or not, you made a damned fool of yourself. Here she is dealing with a death in her family and you're whining that she's not paying enough attention to you. Ugh.

 

LEARN from this.

[anna121]

Sorry.

 

I don't see the need for days to recover from an uncle.

 

Days of not talking to your partner ?

 

I understand laying low a day now partying or going out as often ...

 

BUT to have total space for days over an uncle ?

 

I mean, does it really need saying?

 

When a family member dies, even if you're not personally grieving, you may have to spring into action to assist those who ARE. Like, you know, your Mom or Dad??? Your cousins???

 

And/Or, of course, you're really close to your uncle and you ARE grieving.

 

Everyone's family dynamics are different.

 

Sheesh.

[anna121]

OP: I think your follow-up apology was problematic in that you are leaving the ball in her court. IF she was NOT intending to break up with you, it could come off really wrong.

 

If I was dealing with a family tragedy, a guy did what you did, and then the follow-up apology was all 'I'm sorry - maybe this is the end for you - I'll leave it to you to decide what to do", that would really bug me. Although you may not have intended it, to me it would come off as highly passive aggressive.

 

Although it may be too late now, your better move would have been to say "Please call me when you are feeling better. In any event, I hope it's ok to check on you in a week to see if you're ok."

 

Now, I am only saying this because you're asking whether this is salvageable. If you're done, then move on.

[Gaeta]

re: why I want to continue the relationships... I don't want to continue it if she doesn't change her behavior, I was gearing up to give a kind of shape up or ship out speech before the death. But if she does change her behavior, I really do want to continue getting to know her.

 

Hon, you don't expect or ask someone you've dated 2 months to change who they are at the core. She is not affectionate, this is who she is. It could be for 2 reasons A) she is not into you B) She is not affectionate with anyone. What ever it is, this confirms you 2 are not compatible.

 

If you feel needy and cligny this much it's because this relationship is not good to you.

[GemmaUK]

OP you said you 'took her off the pedestal'

You put her there in the first place. That is a long way to fall and it holds way too many expectations for a normal human being.

 

You said you pushed too fast with this relationship.

You don't like that she doesn't initiate and is not as affectionate as you want.

 

You probably have never given her a bat's chance to miss you.

You also didn't just respect that she needed space by sending needy long texts.

 

If you hadn't put her on the pedestal initially then you would have been able to see that you deal wit relationships differently.

If you were more secure in yourself you would have either been able to deal with that or leave when you realised it.

 

Rushing things and neediness are major turn offs for most rational people.

 

I feel so sorry for her, she is seemingly required to feel obligated and under pressure to behave in a different way in the relationship which should at this stage be fun and easy going for her and for you.

She can't do right by you so she may as well not even try.

If I were her you would be written out of the context of my life.

 

I am sad to hear of her Uncle but that isn't what has halted this.

I'm pretty appalled at some of the reactions of folk, especially those who have lost anyone close or even related to be honest. Everyone deals with death differently and it's not just a 'me' thing ever. There's other loved ones to think of always and how they deal with it impacts too.

[katiegrl]

OP, your needs weren't being met because she wasn't that into you.

 

So when you ask a girl to start meeting your needs, you are essentially asking her to *like you more*, to be *into you" more than she is, if at all.

 

Asking another person to like you more or to be more *into you* is s waste of time. And that goes for both men and women.

 

You can't make or force a woman to like you if she's just not feeling it.

 

Please learn that, and next time, if a chick isn't meeting your needs, emotional, physical, whatever, just walk away. She is not into you the same way you are into her, period. And no amount of asking, pleading, begging (which is how those texts came across) is gonna change that.

 

IMO, no this is NOT recoverable because she was *already* turned off ..... which is why she used the uncle dying excuse in the first place. Not saying he didn't die, but she used that as an excuse to pull away, instead of the REAL reason, that being she is just not that into you.

 

And for the record, there are plenty of men who use the old "death of a family member" excuse to pull away too. Women do NOT have the market cornered on that one!

 

Now sorry to say, after sending those texts, she may actually feel somewhat repulsed by you....I know that is harsh, but it is important it sinks in. Those texts were way over the top and frankly ridiculous. You came off as incredibly needy, insecure, whiny, demanding. NO woman is gonna be attracted to that. Same as no man would be attracted to that if a woman behaved that way.

 

Needy, whiny, insecure, demanding behavior is a universal TURN OFF for both genders.

 

Good lesson learned for the next girl though. Manage your emotions (and alcohol!) and don't ever burden the women you date with your own internal neurosis and insecuritues.

 

If you feel anxious, insecure, etc go for a run or something. Manage your anxiety within YOURSELF, don't buden your girlfriend with it.

 

And again, if she is not meeting your needs, just walk away and find a woman who can.

Edited July 26, 2015 by katiegrl

[xcupid]

I think she was extremely close to that uncle. Re: not affectionate, I was really insecure for the first several weeks because I felt like it meant she doesn't like me. Then after talking with her and getting to know her a little better, I think she's just not affectionate at all. It went from "She's not affectionate, maybe she doesn't like me" to "She's not affectionate. I don't like that about her"

 

But maybe it's really a combination of both. Either way I think it's pretty likely she'll break up with me when or if I ever hear from her again

 

re: why I want to continue the relationships... I don't want to continue it if she doesn't change her behavior, I was gearing up to give a kind of shape up or ship out speech before the death. But if she does change her behavior, I really do want to continue getting to know her.

 

 

If you don't want to continue the relationship unless she changes her behavior then why are you wondering whether this is recoverable or not? If she's not the way you want her to be then chances are she won't change. The texts that you've sent to her are a turnoff.

I wouldn't hold my breath that she will come around after she gets over the death of her uncle.

Edited July 26, 2015 by xcupid