Clarkwg Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 iv had a bad week this week, over 6 months post break up, just over 3 weeks strict no contact. iv got no desire to contact her but i do still have obsessive thoughts about her daily. i am a very obsessive person anyway but her moving on with her ex who she was in touch with throughout our relationship has been a very very bitter pill for me to swallow. she totally blames me for the break down of our relationship, she was always the victim etc etc & i should have tried harder in her opinion but the fact is she ground me down bad over a period of nearly a decade, it shouldn't even got to the 1 year mark let alone 1 decade mark, i guess in the end i knew i would be better off out of it than being treat like crap with daily abuse & daily disrespect but now i am out of it & have been for over 6 months im now second guessing as to should i have & could i have done things in a different way to please her ways & make her happy when deep down i know she is emotionally & mentally unstable but i think she has dragged me down to her level. where as i should be celebrating being out of that toxic & dysfunctional situation with a troubled woman, i instead find myself having thoughts of jealousy, bitterness & what i should have done differently to try make it work between us. im still very confused & messed up over it, any words of advice would be appreciated
Jemay Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 When they emotionally strip us with they acid tongues and awful behaviors, they make us weak, drained, and we begin to doubt ourselves. We want to be loved so badly, we stayed with them far too long, tried way too hard. I'm sure you did your best but sounds like she abused that and treated you like garbage. It's time to look at why you allowed that. How much do you care for yourself to have allowed it for a decade? It's normal the way you feel, anger, resentment, even jealousy. It's not fair. But it does show you things about yourself, things you can work on to be the best you that you can be. And when you are a better, healthier, and happier version of you, then someone equally wonderful will enter your life, I truly believe that. Law of attraction. Love yourself first, start there. Talk to yourself and be kind. Tell yourself it's okay to feel the way you do. It was a very long relationship for you. Give yourself more time to heal. Well done on 3 weeks NC. Stick to it and you will begin to feel better. Do not break it, it will set you back. GOod luck X 2
contel3 Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 Well first of all...Her ex. I have stayed in contact with exes before. And you know what? It means strictly nothing. It's just a silly ego boost. You stayed together for a decade! THAT does mean a lot. Try to see it like this: she a desperate woman who can't be alone. She's so desperate she will even go back to her ex. Because come on, if she could, she would have moved on to someone new. For the jealousy and bitterness.....it sounds silly, but time heals everything! You're only three weeks into the healing process so it's only natural you should be feeling like this. Especially after a toxic relationship. Let yourself go through all those emotions. Feel them. Cry if you must. Get angry. And then figure out why you stayed in a toxic relationship for so long.
Author Clarkwg Posted July 25, 2015 Author Posted July 25, 2015 We have a young daughter so the NC has been difficult for the whole period but iv now got arrangements in place where family & friends are helping me re contact about our daughter so I am now in full on strict no contact. She can still leave me a voice mail in case of emergency which I will get within 5 seconds but that is all. She has used the voicemail option twice in that 3 week period once to abuse me & the second to let me know she wouldn't be home for out daughter at arranged time & day, she was gonna be home a day later (no prior warning or consultation, just telling me that's how it is) I didn't respond to either.
Author Clarkwg Posted July 25, 2015 Author Posted July 25, 2015 When they emotionally strip us with they acid tongues and awful behaviors, they make us weak, drained, and we begin to doubt ourselves. We want to be loved so badly, we stayed with them far too long, tried way too hard. I'm sure you did your best but sounds like she abused that and treated you like garbage. It's time to look at why you allowed that. How much do you care for yourself to have allowed it for a decade? It's normal the way you feel, anger, resentment, even jealousy. It's not fair. But it does show you things about yourself, things you can work on to be the best you that you can be. And when you are a better, healthier, and happier version of you, then someone equally wonderful will enter your life, I truly believe that. Law of attraction. Love yourself first, start there. Talk to yourself and be kind. Tell yourself it's okay to feel the way you do. It was a very long relationship for you. Give yourself more time to heal. Well done on 3 weeks NC. Stick to it and you will begin to feel better. Do not break it, it will set you back. GOod luck X Thanks for your reply, iv heard the term "love yourself" lots of times but how would you actually break down the definition of the term "learn to love yourself"? Obviously we would all like to but how would you best describe the meaning?
Jemay Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 Thanks for your reply, iv heard the term "love yourself" lots of times but how would you actually break down the definition of the term "learn to love yourself"? Obviously we would all like to but how would you best describe the meaning? Well funny enough I put myself in therapy, to learn just that. I suppose it means many things. The fact I stayed in a toxic relationship and took much abuse kind of says I didn't have much self-respect for myself. Not respecting myself, not thinking I'm worth more, being overly critical with myself, putting others before my own happiness, these are all signs that I'm not loving myself. I grew up in a neglectful environment, I had little support, no one to tell me I was worth something, I lack that, and it reflects in my relationships. Learning to love myself means many things. Being kinder to myself, not trying SO hard to please others, not beating myself up when I do wrong, etc. I try to talk to the little kid inside me, try to tell her she's alright, I try to treat myself now as I treat my daughter. With love and respect. THat's kind of new to me. I don't know if I answered that okay.... just think, would you talk to your best friend who was upset and in need the same way you talk to yourself? Or would you be kinder to your friend? Or imagine the hurt kid inside you... would you tell him 'get over this already, it's probably all your fault, or would you talk to a little kid in a nicer tone? That's how I try to think of it.... just be good to yourself. Start with that, and all else will fall into place. Don't think about 'her' and her toxic crap. Think about you. Think about what you need, focus all your energy on you, and you just go from there ....
ravfour4 Posted July 26, 2015 Posted July 26, 2015 @contel - staying in touch with an ex is def a red flag, unless it ended on completely mutual terms which is the rarity. There are so many stories on here of people's boyfriends and girlfriends leaving them for their ex and they almost always had been in contact during the relationship. Staying in contact most often means being afraid to let go and if you're afraid to let go, it's for a reason. When I met my most recent ex I dropped my ex ex instantaneously from my mind. Why keep her in my life when the person I'm with is better in every way and fulfilling all of my needs? Needing to go to an ex for an ego boost means your current bf isn't doing enough for you.
erklat Posted July 26, 2015 Posted July 26, 2015 over 6 months post break up, just over 3 weeks strict no contact. I was just about to write how I was messed for over eleven months when I saw the bolded part, so it's nothing odd you're messed up, because for all that matter your breakup could've been yesterday.
contel3 Posted July 26, 2015 Posted July 26, 2015 @contel - staying in touch with an ex is def a red flag, unless it ended on completely mutual terms which is the rarity. There are so many stories on here of people's boyfriends and girlfriends leaving them for their ex and they almost always had been in contact during the relationship. Staying in contact most often means being afraid to let go and if you're afraid to let go, it's for a reason. When I met my most recent ex I dropped my ex ex instantaneously from my mind. Why keep her in my life when the person I'm with is better in every way and fulfilling all of my needs? Needing to go to an ex for an ego boost means your current bf isn't doing enough for you. It IS a red flag. You are right. Only thing I meant was that staying in contact doesn't equal not loving your current partner.
Author Clarkwg Posted July 26, 2015 Author Posted July 26, 2015 It IS a red flag. You are right. Only thing I meant was that staying in contact doesn't equal not loving your current partner. as for the issue of the ex, it was a very long time ago they were together & for a very short time. he had finished with her to get back with his ex which obviously failed. anyway fast forward to my relationship with her & after our honeymoon period she was always in touch with him & vice versa, even going to places she knew he would be, staying at him house over night & lying to me about where she was. when this came out i finished it & should have never ever let her back in but i was weak, she cried & played the victim & i was weak (a mug with no self respect) so i forgive her. since that over 5 years ago he has been her shoulder to cry on & someone who listens to her problems whilst she is criticising me, it was definitely an emotional affair if not a full on physical one, triangulating i think is the description. after our relationship was done she then told me that all the time she was with me she always wanted him to see what he had missed out on, thats why she used to hang out with him & that she has always liked him & always enjoyed spending time with him. this to me was a whole new low as i got the impression that i had a long relationship, invested time & energy in to her & even started a family together all the while she had feelings for another man so i was probably just a stop gap (albeit quite a long one) till they got things back together. me on the other hand, i too had an ex from a long relationship who used to text me & ring me randomly as well as on every anniversary, birthday, xmas, new year etc & my response was to 100% blank her the whole near decade period as i thought it would be inappropriate to be in touch with an ex whilst im in a new relationship.
contel3 Posted July 26, 2015 Posted July 26, 2015 "me on the other hand, i too had an ex from a long relationship who used to text me & ring me randomly as well as on every anniversary, birthday, xmas, new year etc & my response was to 100% blank her the whole near decade period as i thought it would be inappropriate to be in touch with an ex whilst im in a new relationship." If it is inappropriate for you to be in contact with an ex.....why did you let HER do it? Sending an ocasional happy birthday text is nothing compared to what she did! Really, such disrespect! Toxic relationships are SO hard. You know they're bad for you but you stay anyway...what you need to realise is there is a reason why you stayed. You dont want it to happen again so now is the time to work on yourself! You need to learn how to enforce boundaries. And figure out why you let her treat you that way. Google the subject. Read books. Go to therapy. Do whatever helps you.
Author Clarkwg Posted July 26, 2015 Author Posted July 26, 2015 I told her it was unacceptable & I ended the relationship due to that. Unfortunately my codependency on her & that toxic situation coupled with my lack of self respect lead to me taking her back. Later on when we discussed it her response was "I'll do what I want with who I want when I want & if you don't like it then f*** off". I do fully understand I was & still am the master of my own downfall & I am seeking therapy to try & become a better & mentally healthier me.
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