BleedGreen Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 I've been with my boyfriend for one month. We got close very quickly. This is my issue.. Last night we were discussing people who cheat. I said it's wrong even if you're really drunk or messed up on drugs. You still are conscious and know what you're doing. He disagreed and said sometimes it's forgivable, people make mistakes. Ok. I then asked if he would cheat on me if he was in that situation, he said I don't know. He doesn't know...then added he doesn't think he'd ever be in that situation. How can you love someone, but not know if you'll cheat on them?? I'm just baffled by his answer. Everything was pretty much good before. He's already mentioned us living together in the future. I've been really upset about this. I don't know if I should bring it up again, or let it go. But it's going to be in the back of my head, ya know? How do I live with this. Does he have it in him to cheat. I shouldn't have to worry that every time he goes drinking with his friends, he may cheat on me. Am I over reacting? I'm not sure. I'm hurt though, I know that much. I really care about him..I hate to even be posting this and thinking this way. We're both in our 30's and want something serious. But, all I can wonder is should I leave now and save myself years or months of being paranoid, and possibly cheated on. Or stick it out, because we're good together and could lead to a future.
Helium78 Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 I may not be the best person to comment on this (going through a divorce after 16 years together after my husband cheated on me)... However, I don't think you can let it go. I couldn't and that's not just from what I've experienced in recent months. For me, I would make myself crazy wondering. Maybe just sit him down and explain that you were upset by his comment, that trust is very important to you and that you need to have that security from him. His response might be the same, he may not change what he says, but he might not genuinely realise that what he's said has upset you so much. If you can see a future with him, I'd say it's worth raising with him again. But be prepared for an answer you may not like, and think about how you'll deal with it. Good luck!
ppo88201 Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 I dont think you are overreacting at all, that answer would worry be to no end. I wonder if he already did cheat and was about to tell you, but chickened out. That is where my mind would venture to, which is probably not helping you feel at ease. I would ask again, you deserve to know.
salparadise Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 He told her what he really thinks... that cheating is excusable if you've had a few beers, and that he can't honestly say that he wouldn't do it. If she pins him down in such a way that he knows it's a dealbreaker one of two things is going to happen, a) he changes his story and tells her what she wants to hear, or b) he stands on his original statement. Either way, it doesn't change what he actually believes, which he made perfectly clear already. I think he's just a dude who wants a steady gal who will be faithful to him, while he's out chasing strange. Then when (not if) he gets caught and she goes ballistic he can just say, hey I had a couple of beers first and I told you it could happen... so what are you getting all upset about? OP, if you're looking for a monogamous relationship/marriage I'd toss this one back and go for one who at least starts out with the desire and intention to be faithful. 1
Lois_Griffin Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 I think he's just a dude who wants a steady gal who will be faithful to him, while he's out chasing strange. Then when (not if) he gets caught and she goes ballistic he can just say, hey I had a couple of beers first and I told you it could happen... so what are you getting all upset about? I agree. He's got a bit of a relaxed attitude about 'mistakes' one might make when drinking. That's the OP's huge, bright, shiny, flapping RED flag that she shouldn't ignore (but probably will). I think the MORE alarming thing here is that the OP says they've only been together for ONE month and they're already claiming to be in love and thinking about moving in together in the future. Lordy. 1
Redhead14 Posted July 26, 2015 Posted July 26, 2015 I've been with my boyfriend for one month. We got close very quickly. This is my issue.. Last night we were discussing people who cheat. I said it's wrong even if you're really drunk or messed up on drugs. You still are conscious and know what you're doing. He disagreed and said sometimes it's forgivable, people make mistakes. Ok. I then asked if he would cheat on me if he was in that situation, he said I don't know. He doesn't know...then added he doesn't think he'd ever be in that situation. How can you love someone, but not know if you'll cheat on them?? I'm just baffled by his answer. Everything was pretty much good before. He's already mentioned us living together in the future. I've been really upset about this. I don't know if I should bring it up again, or let it go. But it's going to be in the back of my head, ya know? How do I live with this. Does he have it in him to cheat. I shouldn't have to worry that every time he goes drinking with his friends, he may cheat on me. Am I over reacting? I'm not sure. I'm hurt though, I know that much. I really care about him..I hate to even be posting this and thinking this way. We're both in our 30's and want something serious. But, all I can wonder is should I leave now and save myself years or months of being paranoid, and possibly cheated on. Or stick it out, because we're good together and could lead to a future. Its only been a month with him, you are 30 years old, and you are stressing over wherher there is a future with him already? Leave this alone. No one knows about the future. I'd dump him not for this but for the fact that he's already thinking you two will move in together. Its too soon tobe talking like that. What does he do for a living? What do you do? If you really like him, step back, date casually and observe his behavior with you. Have you two had a conversation about what you each want for yourselves for the long term in general? You need to make sure you are on the same page in terms of dating goals. Then go from there. Find out whAt his dating history is. That ay give you a clue about whether he would be a cheater.
DaisyBug Posted July 26, 2015 Posted July 26, 2015 He told her what he really thinks... that cheating is excusable if you've had a few beers, and that he can't honestly say that he wouldn't do it. If she pins him down in such a way that he knows it's a dealbreaker one of two things is going to happen, a) he changes his story and tells her what she wants to hear, or b) he stands on his original statement. Either way, it doesn't change what he actually believes, which he made perfectly clear already. BINGO. Holy crap, what is it with all these people together just a few weeks who're talking "futures" together?
xcupid Posted July 26, 2015 Posted July 26, 2015 I've been with my boyfriend for one month. We got close very quickly. This is my issue.. Last night we were discussing people who cheat. I said it's wrong even if you're really drunk or messed up on drugs. You still are conscious and know what you're doing. He disagreed and said sometimes it's forgivable, people make mistakes. Ok. I then asked if he would cheat on me if he was in that situation, he said I don't know. He doesn't know...then added he doesn't think he'd ever be in that situation. How can you love someone, but not know if you'll cheat on them?? I'm just baffled by his answer. Everything was pretty much good before. He's already mentioned us living together in the future. I've been really upset about this. I don't know if I should bring it up again, or let it go. But it's going to be in the back of my head, ya know? How do I live with this. Does he have it in him to cheat. I shouldn't have to worry that every time he goes drinking with his friends, he may cheat on me. Am I over reacting? I'm not sure. I'm hurt though, I know that much. I really care about him..I hate to even be posting this and thinking this way. We're both in our 30's and want something serious. But, all I can wonder is should I leave now and save myself years or months of being paranoid, and possibly cheated on. Or stick it out, because we're good together and could lead to a future. What made you talk about cheating? Were you cheated on in a past relationship? WAY TOO EARLY to be talking about a "future." You don't even know each other. You're overreacting and overthinking this IMO. You will NEVER know if "he has it in him to cheat" until you get to know him. That's what dating is all about - to get to know the guy well enough to TRUST him. You're setting this relationship up for failure by thinking he could cheat based on your *hypothetical* question to him. Give him some slack and let it go. If you can't do that then you're not being fair to him or yourself in trying to make the relationship work.
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