oberkeat Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 (edited) Dear Ashleigh, Let me get this straight. You contact me first online. You agree to a date, at a specific time and location and allow me to make a reservation. Then, when I send you a short text the day of, saying are we still on, you don't reply? At all? Seriously? No wonder you're still single. I would be angry. After all, you're the third woman in a row I've met on okcupid who's flaked. The third one who seems to have decided that playing childish games is more important that my time. But I'm not. Actually, you deserve a great deal of credit. You have single handedly confirmed a scientific theory that will be highly beneficial to me and any other single guys who think OLD might be a good way to meet a nice single woman with whom they can start a relationship. You've proven that mentally stable, mature, attractive women aren't on dating sites. They don't need them. These women don't need to take the time to take selfies, write up a profile that's mostly lies (except for the part about them binge watching Netflix every Friday night) and bask in the attention of an inbox full of messages from guys they have no intention of meeting irl. Because these women have no problem attracting men IRL. In fact, most of these women are probably already in relationships. The fact that you were online in itself should have been a huge red flag. But don't worry, my dear. These preliminary results have already convinced me not to waste any more of my time. I have already deleted my online profiles, so I'm a little less likely to meet anyone as flakey as you again. Did I say "meet"? That's right, we didn't. Sincerely yours, Oberkeat Edited July 25, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs 2
katiegrl Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 (edited) Great letter! Feel better now? Good. Now put letter in drawer or better yet, toss it in garbage. Whatever you DO do, just don't send it. That just reduces you to her level... You did the right thing by taking down your profile. You need a break! Edited July 25, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Redact full quote of immediately preceding post 4
Gaeta Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 Nah, waste of your time. She's gonna read it and go 'meh' and delete it. It won't make her think, or make her feel bad, one bit !!! She may even show it around for a good laugh. Now lets go through a few things here. I don't know how many times we said that on here. You never EVER make a dinner invitation for a FIRST MEET. It's not a date, it's a simple breaking the ice public meeting. Any man that wants to pay me dinner without even having met first is sending me the signal HE CARES TOO MUCH (desperation) about someone on the Internet who can disappear in the blink of an eye. Why do you put any importance in these women you have not met yet?? and the fact she contacted you first means nothing!! When you go out with someone 3-4 times than start caring if they live or die, not before. 6
Mrin Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 Gaeta - not to derail the thread but I was always willing to buy a lady dinner on a first date if I was truly interested in her and I could pick the restaurant/cuisine. But I like food. And I like sharing company over food. And good conversation. Did I mention I like food? 2
wizer Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 (edited) Waste of time. The person might have been playing games and just getting off on messing with the heads of random strangers. Your letter is like a trophy. Or, they flaked for other reasons but whatever they might be your letter is still a waste of time. Gaeta - not to derail the thread but I was always willing to buy a lady dinner on a first date if I was truly interested in her and I could pick the restaurant/cuisine. But I like food. And I like sharing company over food. And good conversation. Did I mention I like food? You haven't been dating much, that's obvious. Dinner with a "lady" is one thing, but spend a few miserable dinners with some of the deceptive fuglys (fat and ugly) that inhabit the online dating sites and you'll see what we're talking about. Edited July 25, 2015 by wizer 1
Gaeta Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 Gaeta - not to derail the thread but I was always willing to buy a lady dinner on a first date if I was truly interested in her and I could pick the restaurant/cuisine. But I like food. And I like sharing company over food. And good conversation. Did I mention I like food? Then your money would be put to better use if you paid dinner to a homeless. A woman off the Internet, you've never met, could be married or only out to take advantage of you, or nothing like her pictures, or nothing character wise. You know how many of those 1st meeting turn into a 2nd date? not many. You could pay 10 dinners to strangers and only 1 will want to see you again.
Philosopher Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 As much as I can sympathise with you on how irritating flaky behaviour is, apart from allowing you to let of some steam, what exactly is your message going to achieve? 2
elaine567 Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 Cringe. Cringe. Cringe. She'll have a great laugh with her pals over that one. 8
RoseVille Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 Cringe. Cringe. Cringe. She'll have a great laugh with her pals over that one. Right?! Because being a flake online is something worthy of a nasty message and accusations of mental instability. I've said it before... Responses like this only verify the "there's something wrong here, I don't know if I should go" feeling she likely had that led to her flaking. I have online dated a ton, and never stood up a guy nor been stood up myself. And I've never heard of it happening, either. Three times in a row? I'd be examined your approach and how you're handling your communications. 8
katiegrl Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 Gaeta - not to derail the thread but I was always willing to buy a lady dinner on a first date if I was truly interested in her and I could pick the restaurant/cuisine. ***But I like food. And I like sharing company over food. And good conversation. Did I mention I like food? ^^^ I see you have received a few negative comments re this disclosure. But I get it. You are not buying her dinner to impress HER. You are buying dinner because YOU enjoy food, YOU enjoy getting to know someone, even a stranger, over sharing food...and enjoy conversation over sharing food together... I totally get that! If you click and mutually decide to get together again, fabulous! If not, you still enjoyed yourself, ate some great food, enjoyed meeting someone new...it's all good!
Joaquin Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 Sounds like youre a slightly sensitive soul. Try to disconnect a bit and not put so much into people you don't know. 3
RoseVille Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 Gaeta - not to derail the thread but I was always willing to buy a lady dinner on a first date if I was truly interested in her and I could pick the restaurant/cuisine. But I like food. And I like sharing company over food. And good conversation. Did I mention I like food? I appreciate this. The man I'm dating now, who I met on OKC, has been picking up the tab at the restaurants. Our first date was about $150 before tip, the rest have been more moderately priced. He enjoys a nice atmosphere and the food (he's always suggested the restaurant as well), I wouldn't be surprised to find him at the same places eating alone. He's not a foodie, but he's not a good cook, either, so he needs a chef to prepare it for him. Ha! It's been absolutely lovely. 2
Perrier Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 OP I would not waste my time or embarrass myself with this detailed personal letter to someone I've never met. I've 'spoken' to plenty of guys on OLD / chatline who blew up a storm about meeting then flaked. Or we texted then they evaporated before meeting. many text me weeks or months later, I delete them. I take OLD for what it is - a waste of time. How much time did you spend communicating with her? Your letter shows your desperation, and inexperience. 4
wizer Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 If you click and mutually decide to get together again, fabulous! If not, you still enjoyed yourself, ate some great food, enjoyed meeting someone new...it's all good! Again, spoken by someone who has apparently never been deceived by a person from a dating site. I used to set up first meetups as extended dinner dates. The money was never an issue. It's the deception that bothers me. It's not enjoyable to sit across from some old fat chick who totally lied and misrepresented herself to you and wasted a week of your life, just to cap it off with a free meal and a waste of yet another evening. 2
Author oberkeat Posted July 25, 2015 Author Posted July 25, 2015 Nah, waste of your time. She's gonna read it and go 'meh' and delete it. It won't make her think, or make her feel bad, one bit !!! She may even show it around for a good laugh. Now lets go through a few things here. I don't know how many times we said that on here. You never EVER make a dinner invitation for a FIRST MEET. It's not a date, it's a simple breaking the ice public meeting. Any man that wants to pay me dinner without even having met first is sending me the signal HE CARES TOO MUCH (desperation) about someone on the Internet who can disappear in the blink of an eye. Why do you put any importance in these women you have not met yet?? and the fact she contacted you first means nothing!! When you go out with someone 3-4 times than start caring if they live or die, not before. Allow me to clarify: I never had any intention of sending it. If I contacted her again at all, I would have used a lot more "colorful" language. As for the conversation about whether dinner is a good first date, that's a red herring. I've done all kinds of first meetings. Several girls I dated actually suggested we go to dinner for a first meeting, and it went well and led to further dates. Would have made no difference what the first date was. This girl would have flaked regardless. That's what women on OLD do. It's part of their personality. That's what makes them undateable. The fact that she was 29 should have been a red flag as well. In my experience, most women that age who don't have a bf are single for a reason. 1
wizer Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 This girl would have flaked regardless. That's what women on OLD do. It's part of their personality. That's what makes them undateable.. That's one dangerous and wrong generalization. There are all types of people out there, some are on the OLD sites, some are in bars, some are in grocery stores. You weed out the bad, and you find the good. It takes time and patients. Don't generalize. In keeping with the topic of this thread. I've been on dozens of first dates in my post divorce life. I only had one chick be a total no show after a week of back and forth. I sat there and waited an hour. I called and texted, then followed up with a message on the dating site telling her how nasty it is to do that to someone. Never got a response and in retrospect I would have felt better if I never tried to contact her after she no-showed. It's just giving them even more undeserved attention and it won't change anything. 3
RoseVille Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 Allow me to clarify: I never had any intention of sending it. If I contacted her again at all, I would have used a lot more "colorful" language. Somehow, I'm not surprised. An intuitive woman can pick up on this about a guy. That alone might explain why she bailed; no woman wants to date a man who'd ever behave that way before ever even meeting a person. This girl would have flaked regardless. That's what women on OLD do. It's part of their personality. That's what makes them undateable. So all women on OLD are undateable? Nah, it's your opinion of three women in a row who you haven't even met who decided not to meet you. The fact that she was 29 should have been a red flag as well. In my experience, most women that age who don't have a bf are single for a reason. LOL. Okay. (I wonder what that says about me?!) Maybe she just doesn't want to settle. She would be, here. For all you know, she bailed because she started seeing someone. 3
Author oberkeat Posted July 25, 2015 Author Posted July 25, 2015 That's one dangerous and wrong generalization. There are all types of people out there, some are on the OLD sites, some are in bars, some are in grocery stores. You weed out the bad, and you find the good. It takes time and patients. Don't generalize. On the contrary, Wizer, as I mentioned in the letter, OLD is different. OLD attracts a certain type. Women who are undateable IRL on account of their flakiness and generally off-putting personalities or appearance. I wish I was wrong, but speak from experience.
katiegrl Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 Again, spoken by someone who has apparently never been deceived by a person from a dating site. I used to set up first meetups as extended dinner dates. The money was never an issue. It's the deception that bothers me. It's not enjoyable to sit across from some old fat chick who totally lied and misrepresented herself to you and wasted a week of your life, just to cap it off with a free meal and a waste of yet another evening. Good point! Did not think of that. 1
Real36 Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 OP, It sounds like you have the "nice guy" syndrome. You seem to think that women on OLD owe you something and when you don't get what you want you blame it on the whole of the female sex. If you hadn't made offensive generalizations about women on OLD sites in your "open letter" and then again in your "clarification" message I might have felt sympathetic to you, but now I don't. As a previous posters pointed out, if it has happened to you 3 times maybe you start looking at yourself. And she probably got a hint of this type of behavior from you and decided to save herself the misery. I would have. 6
Redhead14 Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 Dear Ashleigh, Let me get this straight. You contact me first online. You agree to a date, at a specific time and location and allow me to make a reservation. Then, when I send you a short text the day of, saying are we still on, you don't reply? At all? Seriously? No wonder you're still single. I would be angry. After all, you're the third woman in a row I've met on okcupid who's flaked. The third one who seems to have decided that playing childish games is more important that my time. But I'm not. Actually, you deserve a great deal of credit. You have single handedly confirmed a scientific theory that will be highly beneficial to me and any other single guys who think OLD might be a good way to meet a nice single woman with whom they can start a relationship. You've proven that mentally stable, mature, attractive women aren't on dating sites. They don't need them. These women don't need to take the time to take selfies, write up a profile that's mostly lies (except for the part about them binge watching Netflix every Friday night) and bask in the attention of an inbox full of messages from guys they have no intention of meeting irl. Because these women have no problem attracting men IRL. In fact, most of these women are probably already in relationships. The fact that you were online in itself should have been a huge red flag. But don't worry, my dear. These preliminary results have already convinced me not to waste any more of my time. I have already deleted my online profiles, so I'm a little less likely to meet anyone as flakey as you again. Did I say "meet"? That's right, we didn't. Sincerely yours, Oberkeat You have this much anger and disappointment over women you've never met? And, you were planning to spend a lot of money on a woman you were meeting for the first time from OLD? You don't take women from OLD on actual "dates" the first time you meet them. First time from OLD is simply a "meet up" over coffee or drinks to make sure they are who they say they are, look like their pictures, and see if there is enough interest to schedule a real date. You don't spend much money on them. That being said, it's just the way it is. It happens to tons of people. You are right not to bother with OLD anyway if this is how you are feeling. But, even if you take women on dates from the "real" world, you will still run into this kind of thing. It's best if you just manage your emotions and expectations in dating anyway. Take some time for yourself now that you are feeling this way and don't date at all for a while. Get centered and focused on yourself and the things that make you happy beyond looking for someone else in your life. When you are focusing on yourself is usually when someone comes along that sparks your interest when you least expect it. They see you being "you" and say "hey, I think that's a guy I'd like to get to know" 3
katiegrl Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 On the contrary, Wizer, as I mentioned in the letter, OLD is different. OLD attracts a certain type. Women who are undateable IRL on account of their flakiness and generally off-putting personalities or appearance. I wish I was wrong, but speak from experience. What about guys on OLD sites? Are *they* all losers too and *undateable* due to *their* off-putting personalities or appearance? What does that say about YOU? You were searching on line too dude..... 7
wizer Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 On the contrary, Wizer, as I mentioned in the letter, OLD is different. OLD attracts a certain type. Women who are undateable IRL on account of their flakiness and generally off-putting personalities or appearance. I wish I was wrong, but speak from experience. I don't think OLD attracts a certain type. I speak from experience too. I'm 52 years old, I've been dating online since 2006, and I've been on dozens upon dozens of first dates, and I've met all sorts of people online including flakes, and reasonably normal women I've gotten involved with in long term relationships, including my current live in girlfriend of 3.5 years. People meet and get married from the dating sites, more and more people are using online dating as a way to meet due to the advanced technology, convenience and ease of online dating. I think you're jaded from too many bad experiences. 4
LookAtThisPOst Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 Nah, waste of your time. She's gonna read it and go 'meh' and delete it. It won't make her think, or make her feel bad, one bit !!! She may even show it around for a good laugh. Now lets go through a few things here. I don't know how many times we said that on here. You never EVER make a dinner invitation for a FIRST MEET. It's not a date, it's a simple breaking the ice public meeting. Any man that wants to pay me dinner without even having met first is sending me the signal HE CARES TOO MUCH (desperation) about someone on the Internet who can disappear in the blink of an eye. Why do you put any importance in these women you have not met yet?? and the fact she contacted you first means nothing!! When you go out with someone 3-4 times than start caring if they live or die, not before. Though, I do agree a meet for non-dinners (for drinks, coffee, whatever) is best for a first meet, other women may think otherwise. Some think if you don't take them out to dinner, it's an indication he's too cheap. I've even seen arguments on THESE very forums that "coffee dates" are bad ideas because it shows a lack of creativity or again, the guy is too cheap to pay for dinner. No joke, I've heard women say this...women on these forums. 2
elaine567 Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 What about guys on OLD sites? Are *they* all losers too and *undateable* due to *their* off-putting personalities or appearance? What does that say about YOU? You were searching on line too dude..... Projection. 4
Recommended Posts