annalilian26 Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 I have a very long one for you! I recently ended a 2 month relationship with a guy whom I fell very much in-love with. He was happily single and enjoying the bachelor life and I happened to step into dating 1 month after my boyfriend of 7 years left me (what became a passionless relationship). Little did we know that we would connect on such a wonderful, deep level and after 2 weeks we jumped right into an exclusive relationship. This guy had many good qualities : he was charming and handsome, he understood me on a level deeper than anyone I had ever encountered, he was very sweet and sensitive, the sex was amazing, he was sociable and outgoing (unlike my ex) and he was very supportive of me while I was still very traumatized by my last break up. He also showed a lot of patience when I talked about my ex on many occasions as this was the only life I had known, having been in that 7 year relationship from the age of 17-24. Basically he made me feel like such a special important person. However as we spent more time together, I began to notice a lot of things which didn't seem quite right and felt like I really wasn't all that important to him after all. He would have some serious temper outbursts at trivial matters which put me on edge, he would gush about other attractive women such as attractive waitresses at a restaurant he had visited that week or the numerous sexy girls he followed on Instagram which made me feel very inadequate, he would continually challenge me about every single topic I would bring up and a lot of the time he would ignore or critique my interests and opinions that I had shared with him. Furthermore, he started to berate my my behaviors and habits. After a while, I began to feel very insecure around him and couldn't stop revisiting my last relationship which was a very happy, healthy relationship. People around me were noticing that I was not quite the same and when I told them about the stuff that had happened they told me he was controlling. I tried to communicate my concerns with him but he would always refuse to acknowledge responsibility, telling me that my ex boyfriend wrapped me up in cotton wool and for this reason I was too sensitive. Because we were arguing so often at such an early stage of the relationship and because we had such difficulties communicating I decided to end the relationship to prevent further difficulty. For the 2 weeks afterwards, he would send me an influx of angry text messages, making many cruel and immature remarks such as "good luck to the next guy, I tried", "go back to your push over ex boyfriend", "I am angry at your ex, because he was so spineless, I had to put up with 7 years of bad habits", "you don't think you have any issues to work on? either you're in denial or you're a narcissist". After a while I had asked him to stop contacting me until he was in a more rational state of mind. But, low and behold I went out to do something good for myself and see a movie and ended up seeing him in the window of a bar, socializing with his friends. I felt so heartbroken seeing him and have ended up getting second thoughts about whether I made the right decision leaving him. I wanted to ask, does this relationship sound like it is salvageable or does it seem too toxic for me to continue and should I just be strong and move on? Thanks in advance for your help
d0nnivain Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 With that level of anger so visible so soon, yes you did the right thing walking away. 2
joseb Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 What makes you think it's salvageable? He sounds truly terrible. Make sure you block him on your phone. You took 1 month to get over and 84 month relationship. Spend some time single to get over this. 1
casey.lives Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 There is no relationship there. Relationships are about RELATING. Stop feeling guilty and stop revisiting the past and live in the present. It is upsetting to keep going back and overthinking worthless events. You did the right thing - get over it 1
ExpatInItaly Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 First of all, why would you want to salvage this? This guy is a jerk. You were more than right to end it. He has a disturbing temper and his lack of consideration for your feelings (e.g. drooling over other women in your presence) should be all you need to know that he wasn't on the same page as you. Block him on your phone and any social media you might share. Second of all...sweetie, give yourself time to grieve your last relationship. You describe yourself as traumatized by that breakup. It's not fair to bring that level of emotional turmoil into a new relationship. To play devil's advocate for a moment, it wasn't right of you to talk about your ex so much. How would you feel if a new guy couldn't stop bringing up his ex? Not very good, I imagine. I say this because I don't think you're really ready for a new relationship right now. And that's perfectly ok. You've never really known anything else. Focus on healing first, and then think about dating again. Get to know yourself outside the context of a relationship. Only when you feel ok being on your own will you truly be ready to add someone special to your life. 3
elaine567 Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 He love bombed you at first, it is a tactic designed to hook you in. Coming out of a LTR, you were weak, you were vulnerable and you were ripe for this type of individual to snare you. He had been scouting around for a victim and you were it. This was no coincidence, he saw your predicament, he probably did a few tests and realised you were weak, vulnerable, most likely a people pleaser and bingo! Past the lovebombing phase he starts showing you who he really is and his goal is to break you down, control you and make himself feel better by making you feel worse. Now you want that feeling back you had at first, that deep bond, that feeling of being such an important person. But believe me it wasn't real, it was designed in the first place to build that bond to make sure you won't leave no matter how bad it gets. Even knowing what you know, knowing how bad it was, part of you is still hankering after him and that shows you how effective love bombing is. Some here will tell you he is a psychopath, a narcissist, a BPDer, a sociopath etc. etc, but without a psychiatrist and not knowing him in person, no-one can make that diagnosis for certain. He may have multiple complex disorders with overlaps and concurrent issues, many of these type of abusers do. BUT what he is definitely showing is the traits of a manipulator, an emotional abuser, someone who is toxic, someone who wants to control you and someone who does not have your best interests at heart. Stay away, the love bombing was a scam, that perfect man if he ever does return in an attempt to lure you back into the fold, will be fleeting and Mr Hyde will soon take his place again. 1
Redhead14 Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 I have a very long one for you! I recently ended a 2 month relationship with a guy whom I fell very much in-love with. He was happily single and enjoying the bachelor life and I happened to step into dating 1 month after my boyfriend of 7 years left me (what became a passionless relationship). Little did we know that we would connect on such a wonderful, deep level and after 2 weeks we jumped right into an exclusive relationship. This guy had many good qualities : he was charming and handsome, he understood me on a level deeper than anyone I had ever encountered, he was very sweet and sensitive, the sex was amazing, he was sociable and outgoing (unlike my ex) and he was very supportive of me while I was still very traumatized by my last break up. He also showed a lot of patience when I talked about my ex on many occasions as this was the only life I had known, having been in that 7 year relationship from the age of 17-24. Basically he made me feel like such a special important person. However as we spent more time together, I began to notice a lot of things which didn't seem quite right and felt like I really wasn't all that important to him after all. He would have some serious temper outbursts at trivial matters which put me on edge, he would gush about other attractive women such as attractive waitresses at a restaurant he had visited that week or the numerous sexy girls he followed on Instagram which made me feel very inadequate, he would continually challenge me about every single topic I would bring up and a lot of the time he would ignore or critique my interests and opinions that I had shared with him. Furthermore, he started to berate my my behaviors and habits. After a while, I began to feel very insecure around him and couldn't stop revisiting my last relationship which was a very happy, healthy relationship. People around me were noticing that I was not quite the same and when I told them about the stuff that had happened they told me he was controlling. I tried to communicate my concerns with him but he would always refuse to acknowledge responsibility, telling me that my ex boyfriend wrapped me up in cotton wool and for this reason I was too sensitive. Because we were arguing so often at such an early stage of the relationship and because we had such difficulties communicating I decided to end the relationship to prevent further difficulty. For the 2 weeks afterwards, he would send me an influx of angry text messages, making many cruel and immature remarks such as "good luck to the next guy, I tried", "go back to your push over ex boyfriend", "I am angry at your ex, because he was so spineless, I had to put up with 7 years of bad habits", "you don't think you have any issues to work on? either you're in denial or you're a narcissist". After a while I had asked him to stop contacting me until he was in a more rational state of mind. But, low and behold I went out to do something good for myself and see a movie and ended up seeing him in the window of a bar, socializing with his friends. I felt so heartbroken seeing him and have ended up getting second thoughts about whether I made the right decision leaving him. I wanted to ask, does this relationship sound like it is salvageable or does it seem too toxic for me to continue and should I just be strong and move on? Thanks in advance for your help You went out with the guy for two months and you are here writing all this? You allowed yourself to become too invested in someone too soon and way too soon for only a month after a break up. This man was abusive at least. There is nothing to salvage. You were not in a relationship. Focus on yourself and your needs and keep moving. Spend some time being single and taking care of yourself. Grieve the previous relationship and don't spend another minute thinking about this one. Don't contact or respond to this one ever again. This kind of behavior isn't going to get better with him, it will get worse. 5
GemmaUK Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 Ugh! I just typed a post and lost it! This guy is a toad. Your friends were right - he is controlling. I found it tougher to deal with my confusion over a 7 month relationship with a guy similar to yours than getting over a 14 year RS that was pretty healthy and happy. I read several books on the subject to understand it all and also make sure I would never get involved with a guy like my 7 month ex again. Out of all the books I read I would suggest Toads and the Women who Kiss Them by Alexandra Nouri. Sixth on the list of links in this thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/abuse/524069-book-suggestions It was fluke you saw him, not fate. Don't go back. Your life will be hell and will get worse. 2
ppo88201 Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 Oh I know how you feel, its such a mind game that even though these guys are mean and make us feel less than, we somehow still want them around. I am experiencing something similar, very similar, and all I can say is I think anyone who makes you feel bad about yourself is not worth the time. I know its difficult, but if we allow these dudes to treat us like that, then what does that say about how we view ourselves? For me, it appears I have more self esteem work to do before I should be dating. I think you did the right thing in cutting him loose.
Perrier Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 Controlling, belittling, aggressive, narcissistic, immature, bitter - OP you dodged a bullet. I see nothing to salvage, apart from your sanity and self esteem, which will increase when you spend time on your own and give yourself the chance to heal from your LTR. Good luck 2
xcupid Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 What makes you have second thoughts? The relationship deteriorated over time. He wasn't who you thought he was when you first met him. It was a totally unhealthy relationship. He's controlling. He has anger issues. He disrespected you. He belittled you. He made you feel bad about yourself. Here's the final sign he was a BAD choice: The angry texts he sent to you after the break up. He confirmed he was a jerk. Forget him. There is NO reason to have second thoughts about this jerk. Be thankful he's not in your life. Now go find a quality man who will treat you with kindness and respect. Good luck.
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