suckered Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 I was with my bf for 4 months. I like to communicate openly about my thoughts and feeling but he is more reserved. I sometimes sensed some distance but he was still contacting me every day, seeing me often, was very affectionate in public, bought me gifts, sent me cute messages about how much he thinks about me. When I asked him about our future he would often say "I don't know yet". He never told me that he loves me but would randomly say that he is drawn to me and feels close to me. I was bothered by his ambivalence about our future. He also told me that his feelings are growing and he can see himself falling in love with me eventually. When I pressed him more he said that he doesn't know if he sees me as his future wife yet and that our love is probably a slow burn. He also admitted that he doesn't know if he should have had that big epiphany that I'm "it" by now. I was hurt by this and decided that after 4 months, I needed a guy to be more certain than that. After some thinking, I decided to end it. He seemed pretty upset and tried to talk me out of it. Did I do the right thing? It's not even that I want a guy to think he will marry me after 4 months. Just the whole vibe behind his words was off putting. Maybe if I didn't press so hard for clarifications on his feelings things would have grown in time?
IronZ Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 On one hand I would say love and "future" orientation take time to build up. Maybe he wasn't in that place in life where he was thinking about long term. On the other, I think you made it pretty clear that you were looking for a serious thing and he kind of wasted 4 months of your life with "I don't know." 1
Arieswoman Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 Suckered, You certainly did the right thing, so give yourself a pat on the back for being smart. There is nothing wrong with wanting to get married and you shouldn't be made to feel old-fashioned for wanting that. You made your intentions clear after a reasonable time and he wasn't on the same page as you, so you ended it. Now you can look forward to meeting a guy who is really into you and wants to build for the future. Good luck
GemmaUK Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 4 months would be way too soon for me to be talking big future plans. I would still be getting to know him at that stage. 3
MidwestUSA Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 I was with my bf for 4 months. I like to communicate openly about my thoughts and feeling but he is more reserved. I sometimes sensed some distance but he was still contacting me every day, seeing me often, was very affectionate in public, bought me gifts, sent me cute messages about how much he thinks about me. ^^^^This I would have spent a few more months in this stage. Personally, I think you ended it too soon. But, if you're going to push, he wasn't the right guy. Frankly, even the 'right' guy isn't going to want to be pushed at four months. The fact that he was upset, and not ambivalent, about the end, well....... 3
elaine567 Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 I was with my bf for 4 months. When I asked him about our future he would often say "I don't know yet". I think you pushed a bit too hard here at 12 weeks. 12 weeks is a very short period of time and I guess in the first few weeks you hardly even scraped the surface of your relationship either so I think you might find it difficult to find any man to commit to a future with you in 12 weeks. Yes, you will get guys who sweet talk you and say "I love you babe" in 3 weeks, but are they any more genuine that your guy was...? But sometimes it is just a wrong kind of feeling and if you were not getting back from him a great vibe, then better to end it sooner than later. 1
d0nnivain Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 You said you got a bad vibe. I am a firm believer in listening to my gut but my gut is right more often then not. What I read about how you described him, I think you were the problem here, not him. At 4 months he was on target but you were pushing too much too fast. The level of intimacy you wanted it something I couldn't dream of even thinking about before a year. What's done is done & you probably can't get him back now because if he's smart he won't trust you not to hurt him again but going forward with your next relationship slow down. You don't have to reveal everything to somebody 16 weeks in. Take your time. 2
Redhead14 Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 I was with my bf for 4 months. I like to communicate openly about my thoughts and feeling but he is more reserved. I sometimes sensed some distance but he was still contacting me every day, seeing me often, was very affectionate in public, bought me gifts, sent me cute messages about how much he thinks about me. When I asked him about our future he would often say "I don't know yet". He never told me that he loves me but would randomly say that he is drawn to me and feels close to me. I was bothered by his ambivalence about our future. He also told me that his feelings are growing and he can see himself falling in love with me eventually. When I pressed him more he said that he doesn't know if he sees me as his future wife yet and that our love is probably a slow burn. He also admitted that he doesn't know if he should have had that big epiphany that I'm "it" by now. I was hurt by this and decided that after 4 months, I needed a guy to be more certain than that. After some thinking, I decided to end it. He seemed pretty upset and tried to talk me out of it. Did I do the right thing? It's not even that I want a guy to think he will marry me after 4 months. Just the whole vibe behind his words was off putting. Maybe if I didn't press so hard for clarifications on his feelings things would have grown in time? Yes, you pushed too hard after only 4 months. I too question your need for clarity about the long term with him at 4 months. At 4 months you should at least be exclusive if you've been intimate. At four months and exclusive, you aren't really boyfriend and girlfriend yet unless he asked you for that. You were too invested and too soon. Exclusivity is the period where two people are evaluating on a deeper level to determine whether or not they are suitable partners for a deeper commitment. Some men never say I love you, but they show you by their actions and make you feel loved and feel secure in the relationship. I'd say that since you were pushing him, you were feeling insecure anyway and that there were signs from him that he wasn't invested enough in you even at this point. I sometimes sensed some distance. Were you two on the same page from the beginning about what each of you was looking for out of your dating journeys? Meaning were you both looking for long term relationships in general for yourselves. You may not know that it would be with each other at this point, and he clearly didn't, but was it at least a goal? Are you looking for long term and he only wanted a casual relationship? If he said he only wanted casual and you are looking for long-term, then you led yourself down the garden path thinking he would change his mind for you. That rarely happens. 1
Author suckered Posted July 25, 2015 Author Posted July 25, 2015 Yes, you pushed too hard after only 4 months. I too question your need for clarity about the long term with him at 4 months. At 4 months you should at least be exclusive if you've been intimate. At four months and exclusive, you aren't really boyfriend and girlfriend yet unless he asked you for that. You were too invested and too soon. Exclusivity is the period where two people are evaluating on a deeper level to determine whether or not they are suitable partners for a deeper commitment. Some men never say I love you, but they show you by their actions and make you feel loved and feel secure in the relationship. I'd say that since you were pushing him, you were feeling insecure anyway and that there were signs from him that he wasn't invested enough in you even at this point. I sometimes sensed some distance. Were you two on the same page from the beginning about what each of you was looking for out of your dating journeys? Meaning were you both looking for long term relationships in general for yourselves. You may not know that it would be with each other at this point, and he clearly didn't, but was it at least a goal? Are you looking for long term and he only wanted a casual relationship? If he said he only wanted casual and you are looking for long-term, then you led yourself down the garden path thinking he would change his mind for you. That rarely happens. He said during the first date that he is looking for a long term relationship and eventually marriage. He still doesn't know if it will be with me (after 4 months) which I find problematic. He acted devastated after the break up. It's puzzling why would he care if he is not in love and not that invested. I suggested that we start dating other people and that he should start up looking for someone on tinder or POF. He said that he is so emotionally drained, he needs a break from dating all together.
Redhead14 Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 He said during the first date that he is looking for a long term relationship and eventually marriage. He still doesn't know if it will be with me (after 4 months) which I find problematic. He acted devastated after the break up. It's puzzling why would he care if he is not in love and not that invested. I suggested that we start dating other people and that he should start up looking for someone on tinder or POF. He said that he is so emotionally drained, he needs a break from dating all together. Four months is too soon to be making that determination as to whether you are that one. You are looking for the fairy tale. That is very rare. Most of the responses here told you you were pushing him. Yes, you were on the same page for long-term overall, but rarely at 4 months could someone say it would be that person. If they do, they are just caught up in endorphins, which is part of the honeymoon period. When that wears off, the real person comes through. When a guy or girl says in the beginning they are looking for marriage at some point, they aren't telling you you are the one right then and there. It's just what they want for themselves with someone in the future. And, that's good if you both want that, but you need to see if that potential develops with each other. It takes a lot of time to get to know someone that deeply. At four months, you barely know them. There is so much more to a person that can't be "seen" until you've spent a ton of time with them and then when you live with them, there's even more to see. 1
elaine567 Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 He acted devastated after the break up. It's puzzling why would he care if he is not in love and not that invested. I suggested that we start dating other people and that he should start up looking for someone on tinder or POF. He said that he is so emotionally drained, he needs a break from dating all together. I am not surprised, poor guy. There he was getting settled into a nice steady relationship, doing all the right things. Suddenly a bolt from the blue at 12 weeks, out comes the C word, "Am I "it"", he is caught off guard, fumbles his way though and gets dumped forthwith... Now he has gone off to lick his wounds, poor chap. 1
xcupid Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 Way too soon to be doing what you did. The way he felt about the break up should tell you something about how he felt about you. 2
katiegrl Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 (edited) He said during the first date that he is looking for a long term relationship and eventually marriage. He still doesn't know if it will be with me (after 4 months) which I find problematic. He acted devastated after the break up. It's puzzling why would he care if he is not in love and not that invested. I suggested that we start dating other people and that he should start up looking for someone on tinder or POF. He said that he is so emotionally drained, he needs a break from dating all together. I agree with everyone else, you made a big mistake by ending it. This man was totally into you, and had you not pushed and had such unrealistic expectations, in a year's time, who knows, he may have even asked you to marry him. But you will never know now, will you, all because of such unrealistic expectations....and your pushing for answers because of those unrealistic expectations. I don't know where you ever got the idea that a man is supposed to know after a mere four months that you're "the one" and that he should know he wants to marry you. I have never heard of such a thing .... four months is way way too soon. Anyway, what's done is done, lesson learned. Next time, lower expectations, slow down, let things happen gradually and naturally and stop pushing.. Edited July 25, 2015 by katiegrl 3
Lois_Griffin Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 When I asked him about our future he would often say "I don't know yet". He never told me that he loves me but would randomly say that he is drawn to me and feels close to me. I was bothered by his ambivalence about our future. He also told me that his feelings are growing and he can see himself falling in love with me eventually. Four months is WAY too early to put someone on the hook about what he sees for your future. Realistically, most people don't know if you're 'it' after just 4 short months. It sounds like he was doing everything right and I don't get why you couldn't just enjoy it and allow things to keep progressing. Are you in a race or something? 1
RoseVille Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 Big mistake. Big. Huge. He knows he's wants love and marriage. He takes a while to figure out whether the person he's with will be the one he's going to marry. As he should! You shouldn't know that he's the one you're going to marry yet, either!! What you're expecting of him is unrealistic and unfair, and tantamount to a proposal at 4 months. Most women aren't even bringing up this subject until a year or more in.
RoseVille Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 On the other, I think you made it pretty clear that you were looking for a serious thing and he kind of wasted 4 months of your life with "I don't know." There was no time-wasting here, except by the OP. He was trucking along perfectly, their relationship was still developing! She didn't say she was looking for a "serious thing." I doubt he'd disagree that they were in a "serious thing." What she asked is whether he seems himself marrying her. She asked that now, at 4 months. And when he said he doesn't know yet - completely fair and understandable - she peaced out. Who asks whether their partner wants to marry them at 12 weeks?!
Redhead14 Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 He said during the first date that he is looking for a long term relationship and eventually marriage. He still doesn't know if it will be with me (after 4 months) which I find problematic. He acted devastated after the break up. It's puzzling why would he care if he is not in love and not that invested. I suggested that we start dating other people and that he should start up looking for someone on tinder or POF. He said that he is so emotionally drained, he needs a break from dating all together. Sure, he's emotionally drained. He'd been doing everything right with you in the attempt to give this a chance to be more. You shot him down for being a good guy but not being on your preconceived timeline. Dating is a process to get to an event. It is not in itself an event. Don't leave men hurting for no reason. It's screws up the dating pool for the rest of the people who are looking for a real and lasting relationship with a good guy. You didn't give him a proper chance. He feels defeated. He acted devastated after the break up. It's puzzling why would he care if he is not in love and not that invested -- It's not puzzling at all. He did care very much about you. You threw it in his face. He couldn't say he was in love with you yet, but perhaps he was showing you. Men can't always say it, they show it. It's in his kiss . . . It sounds to me like maybe you are the kind of woman who ends it before they hurt you first. 1
katiegrl Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 Sure, he's emotionally drained. He'd been doing everything right with you in the attempt to give this a chance to be more. You shot him down for being a good guy but not being on your preconceived timeline. Dating is a process to get to an event. It is not in itself an event. Don't leave men hurting for no reason. It's screws up the dating pool for the rest of the people who are looking for a real and lasting relationship with a good guy. You didn't give him a proper chance. He feels defeated. He acted devastated after the break up. It's puzzling why would he care if he is not in love and not that invested -- It's not puzzling at all. He did care very much about you. You threw it in his face. He couldn't say he was in love with you yet, but perhaps he was showing you. Men can't always say it, they show it. It's in his kiss . . . It sounds to me like maybe you are the kind of woman who ends it before they hurt you first. Agree with RH, except her last sentence. OP had NO reason to even suspect he would hurt her.....he did everything right ...a girl could not ask for a better boyfriend! If she felt she would get hurt, that was her own insecurity talking....and her own unrealistic and unreasonable expectations....
Redhead14 Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 Agree with RH, except her last sentence. OP had NO reason to even suspect he would hurt her.....he did everything right ...a girl could not ask for a better boyfriend! If she felt she would get hurt, that was her own insecurity talking....and her own unrealistic and unreasonable expectations.... If she felt she would get hurt, that was her own insecurity talking -- That was my point. She ended it because of her own insecurity not what he was demonstrating to her. This is what these types of men/women do. When things are going good, they are waiting for the other shoe to drop. When they get too anxious internally, they end it themselves because of their own stress and inability to wait and see. It's fight or flight. Sometimes it's because they themselves are getting too emotionally invested and more than the other person, so they basically sabotage it themselves. Which appears to be the case here. 1
RoseVille Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 If she felt she would get hurt, that was her own insecurity talking -- That was my point. She ended it because of her own insecurity not what he was demonstrating to her. This is what these types of men/women do. When things are going good, they are waiting for the other shoe to drop. When they get too anxious internally, they end it themselves because of their own stress and inability to wait and see. It's fight or flight. Sometimes it's because they themselves are getting too emotionally invested and more than the other person, so they basically sabotage it themselves. Which appears to be the case here. I'm not so sure about this, in the OP's case. It sounds to me like she just has a preconceived notion about what should happen when, and she's probably been watching too many seasons of The Bachelor, expecting the guy to know she's the one and is going to marry her over just 4 months.
katiegrl Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 If she felt she would get hurt, that was her own insecurity talking -- That was my point. She ended it because of her own insecurity not what he was demonstrating to her. This is what these types of men/women do. When things are going good, they are waiting for the other shoe to drop. When they get too anxious internally, they end it themselves because of their own stress and inability to wait and see. It's fight or flight. Sometimes it's because they themselves are getting too emotionally invested and more than the other person, so they basically sabotage it themselves. Which appears to be the case here. Okie, thanks for clarifying.... got it!
IronZ Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 I am not surprised, poor guy. There he was getting settled into a nice steady relationship, doing all the right things. Suddenly a bolt from the blue at 12 weeks, out comes the C word, "Am I "it"", he is caught off guard, fumbles his way though and gets dumped forthwith... Now he has gone off to lick his wounds, poor chap. 4 months is not long enough for "love" but at that point in the relationship you should at least know if you're invested in it for the foreseeable future. To me it sounded like he was just going with the flow and had no long term thoughts about it at all. She was looking for a serious relationship, he was just dating her. I don't see anything wrong with her asking to have some assurances when she put in 4 months of her time already into something that may go nowhere. All he had to say was something along the lines of "I don't know yet where we will end up in the future but I know that I want to continue seeing you and I'm hopeful." Something to give her a peace of mind that this isn't just him wasting her time. The best he could come up with was "I don't know," and I don't know is scary to some people.
salparadise Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 I am not surprised, poor guy. There he was getting settled into a nice steady relationship, doing all the right things. Suddenly a bolt from the blue at 12 weeks, out comes the C word, "Am I "it"", he is caught off guard, fumbles his way though and gets dumped forthwith... Now he has gone off to lick his wounds, poor chap. This is about what I was thinking too. Doing everything right and just getting settled into a nice relationship... and boom! Sometimes people do know almost immediately and are drawn together like magnets, but that's the exception, not the rule. Sometime people say ILU at four months but need more time to figure out what the future holds. For me, four months is about the time I start thinking, yea I really care about her and this has potential. But that's still a fer stretch from saying "we do." OP, what is your hurry? You realize that a lot of people will see it as a red flag, right? There might be a few who want to move that fast, but not many. And the ones who do... it might be smart to take a second look and ask why. Shame you didn't post the question here before you sent him packing.
ExpatInItaly Posted July 26, 2015 Posted July 26, 2015 I think you made a hasty decision. It's simply too soon for that kind of talk, in my opinion. It sounds like he was treating you well and being smart by taking it slowly and seeing what develops. Of course he was upset when you broke up with him, and then told him to get on Tinder or POF. What a slap in the face to him. Ouch. Sorry OP, but I think you made a mistake here.
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