He's a different person

[Meloetta]

I'm actually not sure if he is or it's just a side of him I never paid attention to. When we were together he would I guess put up with my anxiety. Now if I show a bit of my anxiety in texts he would lose patience immediately and snap at me. We're only in contact with each other because I'm pregnant. I asked him if he even cared to know how I was doing because he would never text me to ask how my visit to the doctor was and only responded very short whenever I give him updates. He cussed at me and called me stupid for asking. He was never like this before. Is it too much to expect just a civil relationship? He was always sweet I'm not sure if I was blinded but he never cussed at me before. We're both 18 so I guess he is panicking about a child ruining his life but I'm fully prepared to take responsibility while he wants nothing to do with it. I'm heartbroken and at a loss. I don't know what to do. Do I still talk to him or? I don't even know how to handle this situation.

 

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Haha, I don't know whether to laugh or cry. He was sick of me. My anxiety talk and telling him my struggles. He said he didn't care. Is this how boys are? They are such great actors. I don't who he is anymore. I really don't.

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He lists my flaws and says "I don't want to have this conversation with you" when I want to discuss his because it wasn't fair to say I was the reason why everything failed. He says he said it out of concern. He always says he does it cause he cares! I don't think he does. I want to believe though. I promised to work on myself cause I was recently diagnosed with BPD and I know that can cause serious issues. It's an explanation for why I was so not mentally well in our relationship not an excuse.

 

Is it normal for guys to be so cold? They just act like they don't care? Like its so easy for them to disconnect and detach? I'm envious.

 

This is turning into an almost venting thread? I'm sorry guys, I'm just young and confused and inexperienced. I just need advice.

Edited July 25, 2015 by Meloetta

[Jemay]

It does sound like he is panicking, almost like if he ignores you, or is rude, it will make you go away, so he doesn't have to face his responsibility. It's certainly not acceptable behavior but given his age it's understandable, he's scared just like you are I'm sure. You're so young as well, that's a lot to have to handle. Do you have support? BPD is very treatable. Group therapy can teach you many good coping skills, I hope you can see a therapist? It's a lot for a young woman, I wish you all the best, try to seek out support, especially in regard to your ex, too, meaning getting financial support for your baby.

[goldway90]

I'm proud of you for trying hard to help and getter better, having BPD isn't easy to handle, i'm glad you're trying. Just wanted to say that

 

Back to your question he's emotionally abusive. Abuser's Red Flags:

"He speaks disrespectfully about his former partners.A certain amount of anger and resenment toward an ex-partner is normal, but beware of the man who is very focused on his bitterness or who tells you about it inappropriately early on in your dating. Be especially cautious of the man who talks about women from his past in degrading or condescending ways or who characterizes himself as a victim of abuse by women.

He is disrespectful toward you.

Disrespect is the soil in which abuse grows. If a man puts you down or sneers at your opinions, if he is rude to you in front of other people, if he is cutting or sarcastic, he is communicating a lack of respect.

He does favors for you that you don't want or puts on such a show of generosity that it makes you uncomfortable.

These can be signs of a man who is atempting to create a sense of indebtedness.

He is controlling.

Control usually begins in subtle ways, far from anything you would call abuse. He drops comments about your clothes or your looks (too sexy or not sexy enough); is a little negative about your family or one of your good friends; starts to pressure you to spend more time with him or to quit your job or to get a better job that pays more; starts to give too much advice about how you should manage your own life and shows a hint of impatience when you resist his recommendations, or begins to act bothered that you don't share all of his opinions about politics, personal relationships, music, or other tastes.

He is possessive.

Jealous behaviour is one of the surest signs that abuse is down the road. Possessiveness masquerades as love.

Nothing is ever his fault.

He blames something or someone for anything that goes wrong. As time goes by, the target of his blame increasingly becomes you.

He is self-centered.

In the first few months of a relationship, the abuser's self-centeredness is not always apparent, but there are symptoms you can watch for. Notice whether he does a lot more than his share of the talking, listens poorly when you speak, and chronically shifts the topic of conversation back to himself.

He abuses drugs or alcohol.

Be especially careful if he pressures you to participate in substance use with him. Although substances do not cause partner abuse, they often go hand in hand. He may try to hook you into believing that you can help him get clean and sober; substance abusers are often "just about" to quit.

He pressures you for sex.

Not respecting your wishes or feelings regarding sex speaks of exploitativeness, which in turn goes with abuse. It is also a sign of seeing women as sex objects rather than human beings.

He gets serious too quickly about the relationship.

Because many men are commitment-phobic, a woman can feel relieved to find a partner who isn't afraid to talk about marriage and family. But watch out if he jumps too soon into planning your future together without taking enough time to get to know you and grow close, because it can mean that he's trying to wrap you up tightly into a package that he can own.

He intimdates you when he's angry.

Intimidating, even if it appears unintentional, is a sign that emotional abuse is on the way - or has already begun - and is a warning flag that physical violence may eventually follow. ... The more deeply involved you become with an intimidating man, the more difficult it will be to get out of the relationship.

He has double standards.

Beware of the man who has a different set of rules for his behaviour than for yours.

He has negative attitudes toward women.

A man may claim early in a relationship that he views you in a light different from that in which he sees women in general, but the distinction won't last. ... Stereotyped beliefs about women's sex roles also contribute to the risk of abuse.

He treats you differently around other people.

Adult abusers tend to put on a show of treating their partners like gold when anyone is watching, reserving most of their abuse for times when no one else will see.

He appears to be attracted to vulnerability.

One way that this warning sign manifests itself is in cases of men who are attracted to women (or girls) who are much younger than they are. ... I have had quite a number of clients over the years who are attracted to women who are vulnerable because of recent traumatic experiences in their lives, including many who have started relationships by helping a woman break away from an abusive partner and then start to control or abuse her themselves. Some abusive men seek out a woman who comes from a troubled or abusive childhood, who has health problems, or who has suffered a recent severe loss, and present themselves as rescuers. Be alert for the man who seems to be attracted to power imbalances.

 

 

At the same time, I have observed that there are plenty of abusive men who are not particularly attracted to vulnerability or neediness in women and who are more drawn to tougher or more successful women. This style of abuser appears to feel that he has caught a bigger fish if he can reel in an accomplished, self-confident woman to dominate."

 

This The above list is a very condensed version of the list on pages 114-121 in Lundy Bancroft's book, "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men."

 

My advice really, you're young, he's toxic and you don't really need that in your life. Go full NC and you'll be very Okay. Sorry if this was really lol

Edited July 26, 2015 by goldway90
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