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Relatives don't approve of me moving in with fiance. How do I deal with this?

marie55567

By marie55567
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Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

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We tried to do all that before we got engaged. My sister is not really around and my father don't see the point of meeting him

 

 

Explain to us in every details why exactly your father is so much against him?

wizer Established Member

wizer

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I'm 26 and my fiance and I are engaged after 6 months of dating and we want to get married in April 2016. We feel we are right for each other, when you know you found the one then you know.

 

Your relatives don't approve because they have something you don't.

 

It's called "common sense".

 

You say "when you know you found the one than you know". That's completely and utterly ridiculous, don't fool yourself into believing otherwise. Everyone who gets married says the same thing, and 1/2 of those people get divorced because, well you don't know.

 

Especially after only 6 months.

 

Listen to your relatives. Stop rushing into lifelong decisions based on knowing someone for such a short time.

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Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

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I can't talk about this anymore it's starting to stress me out because I don't want to do anything to hurt or upset my family but at the same time I want to do what makes me happy. I explain the situation about my father and sister so I'll rethink everything.

 

Marie: You came here to get advice about how to deal with your parents. But most of us saw a bigger problem. There are two things going on here -- your inability to be assertive about your decision and face them, which also says in some ways that you do have some doubts somewhere yourself. If you didn't, you'd be able to do what needs to be done without "prejudice". Not only that, it's probably sending a message to your fiance as well. "I can't deal with things head on for myself." It's hurting more than your family -- it's hurting you and your fiance. If you cannot deal with your father like an adult and deal with issues between you, how will you handle difficult things with your fiance/husband in the future . . .

 

The second thing here is that time heals things usually. If this man is truly the one for you and is treating you well and will continue to do so, your parents will come around to your decision. They just need to get over it.

 

If you have a history of making poor decisions for yourself, your parents will be skeptical and it's not all about the man you're seeing. If you've otherwise been making good decisions for yourself in other areas of your life, they will warm up to this.

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marie55567 Member

marie55567

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Explain to us in every details why exactly your father is so much against him?

 

My father don't see a point in meeting him because he says there is nothing he can do for him and vice versa. My fiance before we got engaged tried to make an effort to meet him and I felt we shouldn't keep pushing it if dad wasn't interested. I didn't want to stress it anymore.

Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

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My father don't see a point in meeting him because he says there is nothing he can do for him and vice versa. My fiance before we got engaged tried to make an effort to meet him and I felt we shouldn't keep pushing it if dad wasn't interested. I didn't want to stress it anymore.

 

You are not answering the question.

 

Why your father is not interested in your fiancé?

 

Also, your sister didn't agree with your boyfriend, why?

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marie55567 Member

marie55567

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You are not answering the question.

 

Why your father is not interested in your fiancé?

 

Also, your sister didn't agree with your boyfriend, why?

 

I just told you why. My father said he doesn't want to meet him because he said it's pointless and that there is nothing he can do for him and vice versa. Those are the words coming from his month. He really doesn't have a valid reason I repeat again those are the words that came out of his month. I never said my sister didn't want to meet him, she does and is more open to meeting him. I haven't seen my sister in 3 years so she's not really around because she in rehab we have no way to get to her and vice versa.

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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Marie

 

 

We aren't trying to stress you out but we are trying to make you think.

 

 

The simplest way to have your then BF meet your dad would have been to have the BF pick up at the house & come in to shake dad's hand. If you don't live with dad, you invite dad over for dinner & your BF is there.

 

 

It doesn't sit well with us that you are the one making this difficult.

 

 

If you haven't seen your sister in 3 years, you are correct her opinion doesn't count.

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Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

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I just told you why. My father said he doesn't want to meet him because he said it's pointless and that there is nothing he can do for him and vice versa.

 

And when you ask your dad why exactly he doesn't want to meet him he says what? He is afraid you will end up pregnant and your fiancé will abandon you?

 

So what kind of man your dad wants you to date? Who would your dad trust for you to date?

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marie55567 Member

marie55567

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Marie

 

 

We aren't trying to stress you out but we are trying to make you think.

 

 

The simplest way to have your then BF meet your dad would have been to have the BF pick up at the house & come in to shake dad's hand. If you don't live with dad, you invite dad over for dinner & your BF is there.

 

 

It doesn't sit well with us that you are the one making this difficult.

 

 

 

 

If you haven't seen your sister in 3 years, you are correct her opinion doesn't count.

 

I live with my father and I kinda just assumed that he wouldn't allow him to come over. If he wasn't interested in meeting him then I felt like what would be the point to invite him over anyway. I understand what everyone saying that it's not very wise to move in with him but my father is very strict and isn't the easiest person to live with so I'm just kinda anxious to leave home. I know that isn't a great excuse.

TunaCat Established Member

TunaCat

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Marie, part of being ready for marriage is being assertive enough to stand up for your relationship and the choices that you and your fiance are making. If you cannot do that, then you are not ready to be married.

 

We are not trying to stress you out, we're only trying to get you to take off the rose colored glasses and really think about things.

 

Getting married after only 6 months of dating is a red flag. You guys are still in the honeymoon stage of your relationship. Slow it down considerably and Marie, you should probably move out on your own. Don't move in with the fiance yet. Put that and the wedding on hold.

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marie55567 Member

marie55567

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And when you ask your dad why exactly he doesn't want to meet him he says what? He is afraid you will end up pregnant and your fiancé will abandon you?

 

So what kind of man your dad wants you to date? Who would your dad trust for you to date?

 

I didn't ask him why but has expressed concerned about what happen if I were to get pregnant and if he will stick around. My fiance and I were good friends before we started dating and I feel without a doubt he won't just take off and leave. My fiance is someone I believe my father would want me to date or else I wouldn't wanted him to meet my father. I really believe my dad would like him but he is never going to know the kind of person he is

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marie55567 Member

marie55567

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Marie, part of being ready for marriage is being assertive enough to stand up for your relationship and the choices that you and your fiance are making. If you cannot do that, then you are not ready to be married.

 

We are not trying to stress you out, we're only trying to get you to take off the rose colored glasses and really think about things.

 

Getting married after only 6 months of dating is a red flag. You guys are still in the honeymoon stage of your relationship. Slow it down considerably and Marie, you should probably move out on your own. Don't move in with the fiance yet. Put that and the wedding on hold.

 

You are right I am really thinking long and hard about everything.

Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

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I didn't ask him why but has expressed concerned about what happen if I were to get pregnant and if he will stick around. My fiance and I were good friends before we started dating and I feel without a doubt he won't just take off and leave. My fiance is someone I believe my father would want me to date or else I wouldn't wanted him to meet my father. I really believe my dad would like him but he is never going to know the kind of person he is

 

 

You are an adult woman. Get yourself on birth control pills. With every birth control available nowadays there is no excuse for an unwanted pregnancy.

 

ANY man you will date or marry risk leaving you not just this one. If he does you will be alright. You'll do what needs to be done, get your divorce and child support and life will go on. Your father cannot protect you from life at 26.

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marie55567 Member

marie55567

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You are an adult woman. Get yourself on birth control pills. With every birth control available nowadays there is no excuse for an unwanted pregnancy.

 

ANY man you will date or marry risk leaving you not just this one. If he does you will be alright. You'll do what needs to be done, get your divorce and child support and life will go on. Your father cannot protect you from life at 26.[/quote

 

You're right, I been on birth control and use condoms each time. I know contraceptives aren't 100% but after doing my research and what my doctor suggusted the pill is the right one.

katiegrl Established Member

katiegrl

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I live with my father and I kinda just assumed that he wouldn't allow him to come over. If he wasn't interested in meeting him then I felt like what would be the point to invite him over anyway. I understand what everyone saying that it's not very wise to move in with him but my father is very strict and isn't the easiest person to live with so I'm just kinda anxious to leave home. I know that isn't a great excuse.

 

marie, your dad sounds extremely controlling, domineering and frankly unreasonable, and I suspect he would NOT approve of *any* man you became serious about.

 

Many fathers are like this with their daughters, they feel they *own* their daughters, ***and they do NOT trust and will resent any young man **** who comes along and wishes to date them, let alone marry them.

 

Unfortunately, the way I see it, you need to make a choice. Your dad or your fiance. If you choose your fiance, which I hope you do, do not expect anything from your dad by way of support, emotional or financial (as far as paying for your wedding).

 

In time, hopefully he will come around and learn to ACCEPT the fact that you are no longer his "little girl," that he has no control over you anymore, and that you have chosen to live your life with *another* man. But that may take time, he sounds extremely stubborn.

 

Good like hon, this is a tough one. Stay strong!

Edited by katiegrl
CarrieT Established Member

CarrieT

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Marie, part of being ready for marriage is being assertive enough to stand up for your relationship and the choices that you and your fiance are making. If you cannot do that, then you are not ready to be married.

This - and everything else TunaCat said - is spot on.

 

Marie, is this guy the same one that brought you to this site which you started your first thread about here?

 

In that case, knowing your history, YES!, you are moving way too fast.

 

Part of being engaged - well, heck dating! - is to get to know someone through all four seasons first before even considering marriage. That way you have gone through (and hopefully moved past) the honeymoon stage.

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katiegrl Established Member

katiegrl

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This - and everything else TunaCat said - is spot on.

 

Marie, is this guy the same one that brought you to this site which you started your first thread about here?

 

In that case, knowing your history, YES!, you are moving way too fast.

 

Part of being engaged - well, heck dating! - is to get to know someone through all four seasons first before even considering marriage. That way you have gone through (and hopefully moved past) the honeymoon stage.

 

I agree with this ^^ .... but that still does not make how her dad is behaving acceptable. Is that not what this thread is about? Her family (dad) not accepting or approving of her boyfriend (fiance)?

 

Despite her boyfriend's attempts to meet her dad, dad has been refusing to meet him from the get go....WAY before they got engaged.

 

So the dad's objection to the boyfriend has nothing to do with the fact he thinks they are moving too fast, etc.

 

He RESENTS and does NOT trust her boyfriend for no other reason other than he has some pre-conceived notion that all young men want is sex ...and he is stealing his *little girl* away from him for this purpose.

 

Hence his paranoia about her becoming pregnant....he is being completely controlling and unreasonable...and no matter what happens with fiance, she should try and break away from her dad and the control he apparently has over her life.

Edited by katiegrl
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marie55567 Member

marie55567

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I agree with this ^^ .... but that still does not make how her dad is behaving acceptable. Is that not what this thread is about? Her family (dad) not accepting or approving of her boyfriend (fiance)?

 

Despite her boyfriend's attempts to meet her dad, dad has been refusing to meet him from the get go....WAY before they got engaged.

 

So the dad's objection to the boyfriend has nothing to do with the fact he thinks they are moving too fast, etc.

 

He RESENTS and does NOT trust her boyfriend for no other reason other than he has some pre-conceived notion that all young men want is sex ...and he is stealing his *little girl* away from him for this purpose.

 

Hence his paranoia about her becoming pregnant....he is being completely controlling and unreasonable...and no matter what happens with fiance, she should try and break away from her dad and the control he apparently has over her life.

 

Thank you for understanding where I'm coming from.

sandylee1 Established Member

sandylee1

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Marie

 

First of all, if my daughter wanted to get married after dating for 6 months I'd be very concerned. It's not long enough to know someone and spend your life with them. I'm not of the view that you should ignore your dad, just because you are 26. Family usually always have your best interest at heart, so don't disregard them. I'm also aware that African Americans are very tight knit within the family unit.

 

Your fiancé is African and speaking as a person who is of African origin, family is very important. You don't want to be estranged from your family and your fiancé always have his family. That can put you in a very vulnerable situation of things go wrong.

 

Things that dads especially are concerned about are,

is the guy responsible

does he have a good job

can he support my daughter and a child if she gets pregnant and

is unable to work

can he keep my daughter in the current lifestyle she has or better.

 

 

I know there are stereotypical views of people from certain countries in Africa and maybe that is a concern your dad has.

 

I really think you should get to know your fiancé a bit better.

Have you met his family?

 

Do you know anything about them?

 

Did he come to the US to work or as a student?

 

Be sure you are being told the truth here, because many a woman have been duped.

 

If you PM me I'll share a bit more with you on this.

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anna121 Established Member

anna121

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Thank you for understanding where I'm coming from.

 

Honestly I am a bit surprised at the direction of this thread. You are getting a lot of heat and I don't quite understand it. It may be that other posters are seeing a vulnerability in you, and I certainly agree with taking your time to make such an important decision such as marriage.

 

THAT SAID...

 

You are a 26-year-old woman. Notwithstanding the fact that you live with your father, you are entitled to the basic respect of an adult with the ability to make her own life choices. Unless you have demonstrated a serious inability to cope with life (eg., hold a job or go to school and generally be a contributing member of society) you have the right to basic civilized behaviour from your father. That would include a willingness to meet your boyfriend (OP says her father simply won't!) assuming said boyfriend is not an ex-con or drug dealer or something.

 

(And a small pet peeve - the idea that a man has to meet a woman's father to show respect for him or something REALLY skeeves me out. Ownership issues, anyone??)

 

I don't care if a person has misgivings about a relative's choice to get married - except in the most extreme situations, to refuse to even acknowledge the fiancé is just....weird.

 

Marie, have you ever thought about getting your own place? I think you would really, really benefit from it. Please don't go from your father's house to your boyfriend/husband's.

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marie55567 Member

marie55567

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Marie

 

First of all, if my daughter wanted to get married after dating for 6 months I'd be very concerned. It's not long enough to know someone and spend your life with them. I'm not of the view that you should ignore your dad, just because you are 26. Family usually always have your best interest at heart, so don't disregard them. I'm also aware that African Americans are very tight knit within the family unit.

 

Your fiancé is African and speaking as a person who is of African origin, family is very important. You don't want to be estranged from your family and your fiancé always have his family. That can put you in a very vulnerable situation of things go wrong.

 

Things that dads especially are concerned about are,

is the guy responsible

does he have a good job

can he support my daughter and a child if she gets pregnant and

is unable to work

can he keep my daughter in the current lifestyle she has or better.

 

 

I know there are stereotypical views of people from certain countries in Africa and maybe that is a concern your dad has.

 

I really think you should get to know your fiancé a bit better.

Have you met his family?

 

Do you know anything about them?

 

Did he come to the US to work or as a student?

 

Be sure you are being told the truth here, because many a woman have been duped.

 

If you PM me I'll share a bit more with you on this.

 

We aren't getting married right away we going to have a long engagement. I sent you a private message

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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Now, late July 2015 to April 2016 is a short engagement. An engagement should generally be a minimum of 1 year because you need that much time to plan. Many wedding dresses take more time then you have to make.

 

 

If you live with your father, there is no excuse for your dad to have never met this guy. Not once in all the time you have been dating him did your BF/FI come to house to pick you up for a date -- you know knock on the door to get you? No wonder your father thinks this guy is a cad. Seriously, ,what kind of guy has no manners for never meeting him. A classy person would have insisted that he meet your father at least once before proposing to you.

 

 

Given how controlling your father is & your inability to stand up for yourself, I'm worried about you. Only knowing what you have posted, I have to ask if you are jumping from the frying pad (your dad's house) into the fire (your FI's house). Alarm bells are going on for me based primarily on your naivety. Please be careful

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katiegrl Established Member

katiegrl

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Posted (edited)
Now, late July 2015 to April 2016 is a short engagement. An engagement should generally be a minimum of 1 year because you need that much time to plan. Many wedding dresses take more time then you have to make.

 

 

***If you live with your father, there is no excuse for your dad to have never met this guy. Not once in all the time you have been dating him did your BF/FI come to house to pick you up for a date -- you know knock on the door to get you? No wonder your father thinks this guy is a cad. Seriously, ,what kind of guy has no manners for never meeting him. A classy person would have insisted that he meet your father at least once before proposing to you. ***

 

 

 

Given how controlling your father is & your inability to stand up for yourself, I'm worried about you. Only knowing what you have posted, I have to ask if you are jumping from the frying pad (your dad's house) into the fire (your FI's house). Alarm bells are going on for me based primarily on your naivety. Please be careful

 

d0nnivan, quote in asterisk above -- the boyfriend has wanted to meet him from the get go -- it was her dad who has REFUSED to meet him.

 

What is the bf supposed to do, break down her dad's door so he can meet him?

 

Her dad just outright said he does not wish to meet him! Because "there is nothing he can do for him, so it's pointless." The OP's exact words from her father. WTF!

 

In my world, that is unacceptable and unreasonable behavior from her father.....not the boyfriend.

Edited by katiegrl
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wb1988 Established Member

wb1988

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Posted (edited)
You're 26...why would even try to please them or live up their expectations at this point in life?

 

I know right, she's 26! 4 more years and she's 30, ehh.

 

Why your father is not interested in your fiancé?

He's not interested in any guy, after all this is a guy that's boning his daughter and that would be hard to get around considering that this is the first guy she's ever tried to introduce to her dad. Same would go for moms, they see the girl as the woman their son is boning and will eventually take away from her life.

 

Some parents have a tough time dealing with it.

 

I'm also aware that African Americans are very tight knit within the family unit.

 

Your fiancé is African and speaking as a person who is of African origin, family is very important.

 

Are you aware of the mainstream stereotype about relationship between black men and their children, or more specifically the lack thereof?:laugh:

Edited by wb1988
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marie55567 Member

marie55567

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Now, late July 2015 to April 2016 is a short engagement. An engagement should generally be a minimum of 1 year because you need that much time to plan. Many wedding dresses take more time then you have to make.

 

 

If you live with your father, there is no excuse for your dad to have never met this guy. Not once in all the time you have been dating him did your BF/FI come to house to pick you up for a date -- you know knock on the door to get you? No wonder your father thinks this guy is a cad. Seriously, ,what kind of guy has no manners for never meeting him. A classy person would have insisted that he meet your father at least once before proposing to you.

 

 

Given how controlling your father is & your inability to stand up for yourself, I'm worried about you. Only knowing what you have posted, I have to ask if you are jumping from the frying pad (your dad's house) into the fire (your FI's house). Alarm bells are going on for me based primarily on your naivety. Please be careful

 

I guess I'll just find another place to stay other than my fiance. I kinda don't want to talk about this anymore. I really do appreciate everyone's help and concern.

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