Relatives don't approve of me moving in with fiance. How do I deal with this?

July 25, 2015

I'm 26 and my fiance and I are engaged after 6 months of dating and we want to get married in April 2016. We feel we are right for each other, when you know you found the one then you know. I told my dad and sister we want to move in together but they don't approve because we aren't married and because of this I'm kinda afraid to let them know I'm engaged especially my dad because he was very negative about my decision. My dad thinks my fiance will leave me if I were to get pregnant but the funny think is my dad never wanted to take the time to meet him. My fiance is a very good, caring hard working man that respects me and wanted to meet my father I find it kinda unfortunate my dad don't want so he will never know the kinda of person he is. I'm happy at least my sister is more open to meet him. I know my dad and sister want what's best for me but I really want to do what makes me happy and not try to please and live up to their expectations.

July 25, 2015

Welcome to being an adult, OP, and getting to make decisions for yourself. Part of being a mature adult is being assertive. Being assertive with family, especially with parents, can be a very difficult thing.

You're 26...why would even try to please them or live up their expectations at this point in life?

July 25, 2015

Welcome to being an adult, OP, and getting to make decisions for yourself. Part of being a mature adult is being assertive. Being assertive with family, especially with parents, can be a very difficult thing.

You're 26...why would even try to please them or live up their expectations at this point in life?

I guess I care too much what they think but I am realizing I shouldn't.

July 25, 2015

What the heck, OP...the damage has already been done, you might as well go for broke.

I'd tell my family about the engagement. The news might soften Dad's stance once he realizes it's a little bit more than simply "shacking up".

And, as deathandtaxes pointed out, if as an adult you're old enough to choose to marry, you're old enough to face the consequences OF that choice, too...including your father's/family's disappointment.

Best of luck to you and your (undercover) fiance...

July 25, 2015

What the heck, OP...the damage has already been done, you might as well go for broke.

I'd tell my family about the engagement. The news might soften Dad's stance once he realizes it's a little bit more than simply "shacking up".

And, as deathandtaxes pointed out, if as an adult you're old enough to choose to marry, you're old enough to face the consequences OF that choice, too...including your father's/family's disappointment.

Best of luck to you and your (undercover) fiance...

Thank you. I am going to tell them about the engagement. It wouldn't be right to keep that from them.

July 25, 2015

Thank you. I am going to tell them about the engagement. It wouldn't be right to keep that from them.

More importantly, it wouldn't be right to hide/keep your fiance from them.

Your fiance is the man you're going to marry...the one who's going to be your husband. The one with whom you are going to build a new life.

Time for new allegiances with a new team-mate, yanno?

July 25, 2015

While I agree with everyone that a you're an adult and can/should make this decision without family interference, I would like to warn you not to get your finances too entangled with his in getting a place to live.

You've gotten engaged after six months of dating; that's really quick. You may learn more about each other when you move in together. And you may change your mind. Just make sure you can make a clean $$$ exit if that happens.

Best of luck to you!

July 25, 2015

While I agree with everyone that a you're an adult and can/should make this decision without family interference, I would like to warn you not to get your finances too entangled with his in getting a place to live.

You've gotten engaged after six months of dating; that's really quick. You may learn more about each other when you move in together. And you may change your mind. Just make sure you can make a clean $$$ exit if that happens.

Best of luck to you!

Agreed, forget about buying the house together, the dog and the cat, until you are certain you can actually live together as a couple.

Only dating for 6 months, you are still very much in honeymoon phase.

Once you live together it is often a huge wake up call as to what they are really like as functioning people.

Little "endearing" traits can slowly become deal-breakers...

Your dad is just looking out for you, he doesn't want to see you hurt by some guy who is only going to use you.

Living together can benefit some men, regular sex, a bill splitter and a housekeeper, and they dangle the carrot of marriage which never actually materialises, so your father is right to be worried for you.

He needs convinced that this guy is serious, honest and true.

July 25, 2015

Have they been like this with all your boyfriends, or is this something new? I mean, not wanting to meet your daughter's BF is pretty extreme. Where did your Dad get his ideas about your fiancé's character?

Anyway, I agree with the comments above, especially about not getting too financially entangled. But sometimes, people close to us can have good insight into our choices. They see us everyday, after all. Which is why I asked about their prior attitudes.

Just something to think about.

July 25, 2015

You don't make the best decisions IMO. Getting engaged after only 6 months is too fast. (For that matter, moving in so soon isn't a brilliant idea either, but at least that is easier to undo) IMO, you need at least one full year to see how the other person handles things: holidays, life, stress, vacation etc.

Once you got engaged your failure to shout that from the rooftops is your second mistake. What are you hiding and why?

Knowing you have a conservative family springing the "we're living together" on them without telling them you are engaged, really makes me question your judgment. I promise this would have been a much different conversation if you waved your left hand with the engagement ring at them & let them celebrate your engagement before you announced the new living arrangements. As I understand your post, you still haven't told them you are engaged. What is that all about?

Accordingly, based on all of the above my advice is hold your horses. Scrap the April 2016 wedding altogether in favor of April 2017 at the earliest. Rethinking living together for now. Wait until at least your 1 year dating anniversary. Then start looking for a place. Get some pre-martial counseling while you are at it

July 25, 2015

Is there something specific that your father doesn't like about your fiancé? Is it still only the fact you are both Christian but from different Church? Also your fiancé is African, does he have his American Citizenship? Does he work full time? How long he's been in US?

I think Dad is on to something you are not mentioning.

July 25, 2015

Agreed, forget about buying the house together, the dog and the cat, until you are certain you can actually live together as a couple.
Only dating for 6 months, you are still very much in honeymoon phase.
Once you live together it is often a huge wake up call as to what they are really like as functioning people.
Little "endearing" traits can slowly become deal-breakers...

Your dad is just looking out for you, he doesn't want to see you hurt by some guy who is only going to use you.
Living together can benefit some men, regular sex, a bill splitter and a housekeeper, and they dangle the carrot of marriage which never actually materialises, so your father is right to be worried for you.
He needs convinced that this guy is serious, honest and true.

I completely understand but my dad has no interest in meeting him at all. I'm not sure what else to do. I really don't to show him my fiance is a very good guy he isn't going to use me .

July 25, 2015

Have they been like this with all your boyfriends, or is this something new? I mean, not wanting to meet your daughter's BF is pretty extreme. Where did your Dad get his ideas about your fiancé's character?

Anyway, I agree with the comments above, especially about not getting too financially entangled. But sometimes, people close to us can have good insight into our choices. They see us everyday, after all. Which is why I asked about their prior attitudes.

Just something to think about.

No I was never like this with my boyfriends so its new and I really don't know why my dad feels the way he does.

July 25, 2015

You don't make the best decisions IMO. Getting engaged after only 6 months is too fast. (For that matter, moving in so soon isn't a brilliant idea either, but at least that is easier to undo) IMO, you need at least one full year to see how the other person handles things: holidays, life, stress, vacation etc.

Once you got engaged your failure to shout that from the rooftops is your second mistake. What are you hiding and why?

Knowing you have a conservative family springing the "we're living together" on them without telling them you are engaged, really makes me question your judgment. I promise this would have been a much different conversation if you waved your left hand with the engagement ring at them & let them celebrate your engagement before you announced the new living arrangements. As I understand your post, you still haven't told them you are engaged. What is that all about?

Accordingly, based on all of the above my advice is hold your horses. Scrap the April 2016 wedding altogether in favor of April 2017 at the earliest. Rethinking living together for now. Wait until at least your 1 year dating anniversary. Then start looking for a place. Get some pre-martial counseling while you are at it

I just told them I am engaged already. I wouldn't keep something hidden like that. I was just wanting and upset when I said that. I really get what you and everyone else is saying but I already made my decision.

July 25, 2015

I just told them I am engaged already. I wouldn't keep something hidden like that. I was just wanting and upset when I said that. I really get what you and everyone else is saying but I already made my decision.

I understand but really you don't have to get married in April 2016. You can postpone that date. . . give yourself a chance to grow with your FI, give your family the time to adjust to the idea.

July 25, 2015

Is there something specific that your father doesn't like about your fiancé? Is it still only the fact you are both Christian but from different Church? Also your fiancé is African, does he have his American Citizenship? Does he work full time? How long he's been in US?

I think Dad is on to something you are not mentioning.

I don't have anything to hide. I think it could be that we grew up in different churches but my fiance and I try to arrange a time when he can meet my dad but he flat out refused so I really don't know what to do. Yes he is a US citizen, working full time and he has been here for 5 years

July 25, 2015

OK I take it your dad wasn't like this with other bfs so something about this one is wrong, wrong enough that he doesn't even want to meet him and wrong enough that the two of you hid your engagement.

So what is it?

Age, class, marital status, race, religion, politics, ex prisoner, drug addict, gang member... etc.

July 25, 2015

OK I take it your dad wasn't like this with other bfs so something about this one is wrong, wrong enough that he doesn't even want to meet him and wrong enough that the two of you hid your engagement.
So what is it?
Age, class, marital status, race, religion, politics, ex prisoner, drug addict, gang member... etc.

I already told them we are engaged I was just upset when I said I want to keep it from them. I never brought a guy to meet my father. I'm really not sure what my father don't approve of.

July 25, 2015

I understand but really you don't have to get married in April 2016. You can postpone that date. . . give yourself a chance to grow with your FI, give your family the time to adjust to the idea.

I'll think about it maybe I'll reconsider.

July 25, 2015

I already told them we are engaged I was just upset when I said I want to keep it from them. I never brought a guy to meet my father. I'm really not sure what my father don't approve of.

OK so you never brought a guy to meet your father before.

Seems to me that the family introductions should have been made long before it got to the stage of moving in together and getting engaged.

July 25, 2015

OK so you never brought a guy to meet your father before.

Seems to me that the family introductions should have been made long before it got to the stage of moving in together and getting engaged.

We tried to do all that before we got engaged. My sister is not really around and my father don't see the point of meeting him

July 25, 2015

Seems to me that the family introductions should have been made long before it got to the stage of moving in together and getting engaged.

Agree. It's the order of things that are causing all these problems.

From your father's perspective some jerk who didn't have the courtesy or respect for him (your dad) has come along & stolen you. Your father thinks this guy has no honor because he proposed too soon, before he met your family and without seeking your family's blessing.

Marie55567 -- really what is your rush? Going into this marriage with your family all upset is not the best foundation for happily ever after. What you do you want to assert your independence, did in your heels and get married now vs. slow down & hopefully be married for life?

July 25, 2015

From your father's perspective some jerk who didn't have the courtesy or respect for him (your dad) has come along & stolen you. Your father thinks this guy has no honor because he proposed too soon, before he met your family and without seeking your family's blessing.

^^^^this^^^^

July 25, 2015

Op, what is your dating history with this man? Your father has never met him and doesn't have an interest in doing so. Is there something in your dating history that you father knows about that's causing him to be skeptical on your behalf? A man asking you to marry him after only six months by itself is a little bit of a flag.

July 25, 2015

Agree. It's the order of things that are causing all these problems.

From your father's perspective some jerk who didn't have the courtesy or respect for him (your dad) has come along & stolen you. Your father thinks this guy has no honor because he proposed too soon, before he met your family and without seeking your family's blessing.

Marie55567 -- really what is your rush? Going into this marriage with your family all upset is not the best foundation for happily ever after. What you do you want to assert your independence, did in your heels and get married now vs. slow down & hopefully be married for life?

I can't talk about this anymore it's starting to stress me out because I don't want to do anything to hurt or upset my family but at the same time I want to do what makes me happy. I explain the situation about my father and sister so I'll rethink everything.

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Relatives don't approve of me moving in with fiance. How do I deal with this?

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