confusedd99 Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 (edited) I am literally CONFUSED, hence my user name. Ok, so I dated my last boyfriend officially for three months before I broke up with him. I did this because his communication style and love language is very different from mine. I'm very expressive and like to be romanced in return, and he simply was not. Whenever I wanted to talk about emotions or where this is going, he'd freeze and turn into a cold wall. However, I guess he showed me he cared by BEING with me, dating me exclusively, etc. But when I would ask him what he wants in a relationship, he would say he doesn't know. I never liked being the type of girl who waits around forever for something that is not certain, or try to change people. I figured, this is how he is; and after all the talks I tried having with him, he'd say "this is just the way I am," which I interpreted as "take it or leave it." SO I left it for another guy who DOES express himself and treat me the way I like. The problem is that about a month after our breakup my ex and I started talking every single day again, just as we always did for the past year. We have gone through every little detail of what I did and how he was, overthinking, taking blame, etc. NOW he expresses himself, says he really loved me, that he was just taking it slow, etc. Anyway, all he has told me now, if he had told me back then I would've never left him for the next great thing. I don't regret what I did because I did what I thought best with the information I had available at the time. However, with everything he has revealed now I felt a strong desire to return. And it would seem as if he wants the sme because he wants to go out with me, talks to me all day on chat-- but when I asked him, he said no. OK, then why is he still talking to me? He says he just can't let go of me, but he can't be in a relationship with me. I kind of don't want this anymore. His presence distracts me, and the fact that I can never have him again hurts me. We have sex, though. I'd rather just focus on my new beau if that is the case. But my ex is a tease. He alludes to someday, perhaps. As always! Always so unclear. UGH, I'm so frustrated. Edited July 25, 2015 by confusedd99
TigerCub Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 Hey confused, I understand you frustration, he probably did care for you or even loved you, but he shut down whenever you were trying to understand what he was feeling, he shut down when you were communicating what you need. So you made a decision that is best for you and you actually found someone else and now he is teasing you. But just like you were able to make a choice and break up with him because the relationship wasn't enough for you -you can once again make a decision and choose to totally cut him out. If you keep chatting and reminiscing with him about the past, you can't invest in your future and that's really not fair to the guy that you are with now. You can choose to just cut your ex off and focus on the guy that you have. 2
mrldii Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 OP, you have now just discovered why it's usually best to let each relationship survive or fail on its on merit, rather than simply moving on because you found A Next Better Thing. Was there some reason (according to you) you ended your relationship with him only after you had the next one lined up? As soon as you determined that your communication styles / love languages didn't mesh, why didn't you just break up with him then? It doesn't read like he's tempted you at all...it reads like the grass (which was greener on the other side of the fence) is now turning browner in comparison and - again - rather than water it, you just want to jump ship. Or, fence...as it were. No offense...you read as if you're younger. Perhaps you should just date around for awhile and not focus so much on creating, establishing, and maintaining A Relationship with just ONE person? Nothing wrong with that...in our youth, we're expected to date many people, to determine who/what it is we DO want in a mate. Good luck to you...I hope you sort it all out for yourself. 1
katiegrl Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 (edited) I am literally CONFUSED, hence my user name. Ok, so I dated my last boyfriend officially for three months before I broke up with him. I did this because his communication style and love language is very different from mine. I'm very expressive and like to be romanced in return, and he simply was not. Whenever I wanted to talk about emotions or where this is going, he'd freeze and turn into a cold wall. However, I guess he showed me he cared by BEING with me, dating me exclusively, etc. But when I would ask him what he wants in a relationship, he would say he doesn't know. I never liked being the type of girl who waits around forever for something that is not certain, or try to change people. I figured, this is how he is; and after all the talks I tried having with him, he'd say "this is just the way I am," which I interpreted as "take it or leave it." SO I left it for another guy who DOES express himself and treat me the way I like. The problem is that about a month after our breakup my ex and I started talking every single day again, just as we always did for the past year. We have gone through every little detail of what I did and how he was, overthinking, taking blame, etc. NOW he expresses himself, says he really loved me, that he was just taking it slow, etc. Anyway, all he has told me now, if he had told me back then I would've never left him for the next great thing. I don't regret what I did because I did what I thought best with the information I had available at the time. However, with everything he has revealed now I felt a strong desire to return. And it would seem as if he wants the same because he wants to go out with me, talks to me all day on chat-- but when I asked him, he said no. OK, then why is he still talking to me? He says he just can't let go of me, but he can't be in a relationship with me. I kind of don't want this anymore. His presence distracts me, and the fact that I can never have him again hurts me. We have sex, though. I'd rather just focus on my new beau if that is the case. But my ex is a tease. He alludes to someday, perhaps. As always! Always so unclear. UGH, I'm so frustrated. Why is he still talking/having sex with you? Because he can .... because YOU are allowing him to. So don't allow it anymore...because it's hurting you. I don't know what's going on with him, perhaps he is just a huge commitment phobe or maybe he is just playing you, it doesn't matter. He DOES NOT want what you want, period. So do what you did before...and end it, go no contact. And for the love of all things beautiful, stop having sex with him. By the way, re this new guy you are dating, I hope you have not agreed to any sort of exclusivity with him (sexual or otherwise) cause that would mean you are cheating on him, which is not cool. Edited July 25, 2015 by katiegrl 3
candie13 Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 burn those bridges, girl. Irrelevant of what he says to you know, you two are not in a RS. It's over. So turn the page, be brutal, start a savage NC campaign and focus on your current life. Talking, chatting, kissing and having sex with the ex are prohibited. So is thinking about it. It's normal to crave something that's right in front of you and that you cannot have. So remove his presence from your life. Just like with sweets - if you don't want to eat them, don't buy them in the first place. You can't eat what you don't have inside your house. cheers 1
Author confusedd99 Posted July 25, 2015 Author Posted July 25, 2015 OP, you have now just discovered why it's usually best to let each relationship survive or fail on its on merit, rather than simply moving on because you found A Next Better Thing. Was there some reason (according to you) you ended your relationship with him only after you had the next one lined up? As soon as you determined that your communication styles / love languages didn't mesh, why didn't you just break up with him then? It doesn't read like he's tempted you at all...it reads like the grass (which was greener on the other side of the fence) is now turning browner in comparison and - again - rather than water it, you just want to jump ship. Or, fence...as it were. No offense...you read as if you're younger. Perhaps you should just date around for awhile and not focus so much on creating, establishing, and maintaining A Relationship with just ONE person? Nothing wrong with that...in our youth, we're expected to date many people, to determine who/what it is we DO want in a mate. Good luck to you...I hope you sort it all out for yourself. Thank you for being straightforward yet understanding at the same time. No, not that young. My ex and I are 31, my new guy is 30. My ex was single and hadn't had sex in SIX years before me. Me, I separated a year ago, a very difficult choice so now I'm extra picky before getting involved in something committed. I was already considering to break up with him BEFORE the new guy showed up... that only sped things up. In very early youth I dated a guy for a year and a half, and it led to NOTHING. In the end he broke up with me when I least expected. That experience scarred me for life because it hurt my pride. Now I'm extra careful. I take the first couple of months to consider staying or leaving, because beyond that it's harder to leave even when you know you should. That's why I tried so hard to get him to talk before making my decision, but he simply wouldn't!! He was a wall. Now that I know what was really on his mind, I wish I could go back, but now it's too late. Now all I can have with him is friendship, casual sex and long-winded intellectual conversations
katiegrl Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 Thank you for being straightforward yet understanding at the same time. No, not that young. My ex and I are 31, my new guy is 30. My ex was single and hadn't had sex in SIX years before me. Me, I separated a year ago, a very difficult choice so now I'm extra picky before getting involved in something committed. I was already considering to break up with him BEFORE the new guy showed up... that only sped things up. In very early youth I dated a guy for a year and a half, and it led to NOTHING. In the end he broke up with me when I least expected. That experience scarred me for life because it hurt my pride. Now I'm extra careful. I take the first couple of months to consider staying or leaving, because beyond that it's harder to leave even when you know you should. That's why I tried so hard to get him to talk before making my decision, but he simply wouldn't!! He was a wall. Now that I know what was really on his mind, I wish I could go back, but now it's too late. Now all I can have with him is friendship, casual sex and long-winded intellectual conversations Well you know you could go back... it's NOT too late....people get back together all the time. Problem is HE does not want to get back together. You asked, he said no. I don't know what is behind him telling you how he really felt back then...IMO it sounds like load of bull....sorry. Because IF he really felt (and feels) that way...then he would want a RL with you...other than just casual sex. It's important to not lost sight of that. 2
Author confusedd99 Posted July 25, 2015 Author Posted July 25, 2015 Why is he still talking/having sex with you? Because he can .... because YOU are allowing him to. So don't allow it anymore...because it's hurting you. I don't know what's going on with him, perhaps he is just a huge commitment phobe or maybe he is just playing you, it doesn't matter. He DOES NOT want what you want, period. So do what you did before...and end it, go no contact. And for the love of all things beautiful, stop having sex with him. By the way, re this new guy you are dating, I hope you have not agreed to any sort of exclusivity with him (sexual or otherwise) cause that would mean you are cheating on him, which is not cool. He tells me he needs me, that he's never had such a connection with anyone, but that he can't go back because he's too hurt from what I did. Yet... not too hurt to take me out and have sex? And of course, it isn' just sex, we talk about many things. But still
katiegrl Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 He tells me he needs me, that he's never had such a connection with anyone, but that he can't go back because he's too hurt from what I did. Yet... not too hurt to take me out and have sex? And of course, it isn' just sex, we talk about many things. But still Sweetie, I am sorry but that's a load of bull he's feeding you right there. Trust your gut on this....you are right, he's NOT too hurt to have sex with you, you are right on about that. He is also not too hurt to toss you just enough crumbs to keep you around to have sex with whenever the urge strikes him..... alluding to someday, perhaps, blah blah. What he is he doing is called "stringing you along." Next him, go no contact and focus on new beau. Lesson learned.... and good luck. 2
candie13 Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 He tells me he needs me, that he's never had such a connection with anyone, but that he can't go back because he's too hurt from what I did. Yet... not too hurt to take me out and have sex? And of course, it isn' just sex, we talk about many things. But still he's doing what he wants and what's good for him. Why don't you try to figure out what's good for you and then go for it? Is it good for you to cheat on your bf? pine after a guy who's just not ready? Looks like your ex is emotionally unavailable and will always be. Learn from it & move on. 1
Author confusedd99 Posted July 25, 2015 Author Posted July 25, 2015 Sweetie, I am sorry but that's a load of bull he's feeding you right there. Trust your gut on this....you are right, he's NOT too hurt to have sex with you, you are right on about that. He is also not too hurt to toss you just enough crumbs to keep you around to have sex with whenever the urge strikes him..... alluding to someday, perhaps, blah blah. What he is he doing is called "stringing you along." Next him, go no contact and focus on new beau. Lesson learned.... and good luck. Thank you so much!! I sensed all this, but talking about it with other people online makes it clearer (I don't trust revealing too much of myself around people i know, especially about something so private).
mrldii Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 (edited) OP, for some reason I soooo missed that part that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, but he doesn't want to let you go, either. That's a HUGE bit of info...don't know how I glossed over it. Nahhh...it's time for NC with him, whether you decide to concentrate on your new relationship, go relationship-less, or simply date around for awhile - NOT including him in your dating pool, of course. I agree with the previous poster(s) who've indicated/alluded to he's doing it because you're allowing him to do it. Hell, he gets the both of best worlds: cool sex at half the price of admission...only opening up as often/as much as he feels like it...at the time. You guys aren't speaking the same love language...he's processing his words through an automatic (and battery-operated) translator! Again, best of luck to you...::hugs:: ETA: In other words, what katie said!!! Edited July 25, 2015 by mrldii 1
candie13 Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 Is it good for you to cheat on your bf? pine after a guy who's just not ready?. enigma32, I did;). 3
Author confusedd99 Posted July 25, 2015 Author Posted July 25, 2015 So...no one here is going to call the OP out for not only talking to her ex all the time behind her new BF's back, but also admitting she has sex with the ex as well? And people are saying the ex is the one stringing people along? OP, be a better woman. As it stands, why should someone be in a relationship with you? You are currently cheating on your BF with someone else, correct? If you want someone to commit to you, first you have to show you are capable of commitment. You are right also. No excuse for my behavior.
Haerts Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 I have to confess I was waiting for the OP to say whether she's cheating on her current guy or not. Because if you are, then you're only showing us you don't deserve it at all: you found what you wanted, but you're not treating it the way you should. As for the other guy, leave him, NOW. You only know what you got when it's gone. That's why he's behaving that way. Pretty sure if you went back, in a matter of 2 weeks tops he would go back to normal. 1
Author confusedd99 Posted July 25, 2015 Author Posted July 25, 2015 enigma32, I did;). And I mean, it's actually pretty pathetic how it all evolved. Now all I can do is dwell on the could haves and should haves. SHOULD I have waited for the relationship to just develop slower than my usual pace, with a guy who can't communicate feelings and expects me to guess what he's feeling? I preferred running away than waiting and assuming. How many horror stories are out there about women who assumed too much, and waste years of their lives in waiting. If I HAD waited patiently, faithfully, would he have opened up? And would it all have been worth it? Would I have regretted letting go of the new guy who IS already the way I like, but with whom I don't have that connection yet? It feels like we're always damned if we do and damned if we don't. Now I did ANOTHER horrible thing because I thought my ex wanted to go back, but no... he just wants to be friends because he says he can't let me go. I'm putting an end to that now and focus on the new guy, who is a total sweetheart.
katiegrl Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 I have to confess I was waiting for the OP to say whether she's cheating on her current guy or not. Because if you are, then you're only showing us you don't deserve it at all: you found what you wanted, but you're not treating it the way you should. As for the other guy, leave him, NOW. You only know what you got when it's gone. That's why he's behaving that way. **Pretty sure if you went back, in a matter of 2 weeks tops he would go back to normal.** You missed the part where she said he does *not* want her back.... 2
Haerts Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 Actually, I didn't, although I see that I worded it bad. hahaha I meant that, if for some reason they got back together, he would behave that way. Didn't mean to say she's confused because she has an option.
mrldii Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 And I mean, it's actually pretty pathetic how it all evolved. Now all I can do is dwell on the could haves and should haves. SHOULD I have waited for the relationship to just develop slower than my usual pace, with a guy who can't communicate feelings and expects me to guess what he's feeling? I preferred running away than waiting and assuming. How many horror stories are out there about women who assumed too much, and waste years of their lives in waiting. If I HAD waited patiently, faithfully, would he have opened up? And would it all have been worth it? Would I have regretted letting go of the new guy who IS already the way I like, but with whom I don't have that connection yet? It feels like we're always damned if we do and damned if we don't. Now I did ANOTHER horrible thing because I thought my ex wanted to go back, but no... he just wants to be friends because he says he can't let me go. I'm putting an end to that now and focus on the new guy, who is a total sweetheart. Nahhhh...that's not ALL you can do; not sure that we're ALL "damned if we do, damned if we don't." When I've broken up with a guy, it's been after careful consideration and knowing that I've done whatever it is that's in my power TO do and if it's still not working, it's time to go. And, be done with it. Oh, and I've never been a branch swinger...yanno, someone who won't let go of the last one 'til her hand's firmly around the next one. I have no problem walking, ALL alone on the ground for awhile, to get to my next destination. I don't look back and wonder "What if..." That's the kind of bullsh*t Disney movies are made of. You, yourself, said you made the best decision, based on the information you had at hand at the time. Are you going to come clean to the current guy and admit that you strayed, thus causing him hurt and pain...perhaps enough so that he'll cut you loose and then you can swing back on over to the ex' branch? Personally (based on what you've written), I'd suck it up and be a big girl and learn from my mistake and NOT lay my guilt, pain and lapse in The New Guy's lap. It reads like the two of you are simply dating and not in a live-in/committed relationship (yet), so no reason to burden him with it and make him feel like a piece of sh*t over it. Unless, of course, I suspected I'd do it again. Even then, I wouldn't feel compelled to dump my BS on him...I'd simply let him go so he can find someone who can and will be loyal to him. Good luck in your future choices... 1
katiegrl Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 (edited) And I mean, it's actually pretty pathetic how it all evolved. Now all I can do is dwell on the could haves and should haves. SHOULD I have waited for the relationship to just develop slower than my usual pace, with a guy who can't communicate feelings and expects me to guess what he's feeling? I preferred running away than waiting and assuming. How many horror stories are out there about women who assumed too much, and waste years of their lives in waiting. If I HAD waited patiently, faithfully, would he have opened up? And would it all have been worth it? Would I have regretted letting go of the new guy who IS already the way I like, but with whom I don't have that connection yet? It feels like we're always damned if we do and damned if we don't. Now I did ANOTHER horrible thing because I thought my ex wanted to go back, but no... he just wants to be friends because he says he can't let me go. I'm putting an end to that now and focus on the new guy, who is a total sweetheart. No no no and no. You did the right thing by ending it, he's a commitment phobe, a player or both. And don't allow him to manipulate you into thinking you are the bad guy here for leaving him.....and *hurting* him. What a load of crap, and HE knows it. How about the way HE hurt you, by being emotionally closed, not communicating, behaving elusively and non-chalantly, indifferent, etc. All of which hurt YOU, which was the reason you broke up with him in the first plsce! Now because he wants casual no-strings sex, he feeds you this crap about how he can't go back because he is too afraid YOU are gonna hurt HIM? But yet, he can have sex with you, apparently THAT won't hurt him. Or lead you to believe that someday, *maybe* you will get back together. But wait! I thought he was too *hurt* to ever get back together? The guy is yanking your chain, but you already know that, and know what to do, so nuff said from me about that. I won't judge you for cheating as that is not why you started this thread... nor its premise. I think you know it was wrong, so not gonna beat you up about that. Edited July 25, 2015 by katiegrl 3
Author confusedd99 Posted July 25, 2015 Author Posted July 25, 2015 No no no and no. You did the right thing by ending it, he's a commitment phobe, a player or both. And don't allow him to manipulate you into thinking you are the bad guy here for leaving him.....and *hurting* him. What a load of crap, and HE knows it. How about the way HE hurt you, by being emotionally closed, not communicating, behaving elusively and non-chalantly, indifferent, etc. All of which hurt YOU, which was the reason you broke up with him in the first plsce! Now because he wants casual no-strings sex, he feeds you this crap about how he can't go back because he is too afraid YOU are gonna hurt HIM? But yet, he can have sex with you, apparently THAT won't hurt him. Or lead you to believe that someday, *maybe* you will get back together. But wait! I thought he was too *hurt* to ever get back together? The guy is yanking your chain, but you already know that, and know what to do, so nuff said from me about that. I won't judge you for cheating as that is not why you started this thread... nor its premise. I think you know it was wrong, so not gonna beat you up about that. Thank you. Though I agree with what others have told me too, your words mean so much to me right now. You are right. 1
Redhead14 Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 I am literally CONFUSED, hence my user name. Ok, so I dated my last boyfriend officially for three months before I broke up with him. I did this because his communication style and love language is very different from mine. I'm very expressive and like to be romanced in return, and he simply was not. Whenever I wanted to talk about emotions or where this is going, he'd freeze and turn into a cold wall. However, I guess he showed me he cared by BEING with me, dating me exclusively, etc. But when I would ask him what he wants in a relationship, he would say he doesn't know. I never liked being the type of girl who waits around forever for something that is not certain, or try to change people. I figured, this is how he is; and after all the talks I tried having with him, he'd say "this is just the way I am," which I interpreted as "take it or leave it." SO I left it for another guy who DOES express himself and treat me the way I like. The problem is that about a month after our breakup my ex and I started talking every single day again, just as we always did for the past year. We have gone through every little detail of what I did and how he was, overthinking, taking blame, etc. NOW he expresses himself, says he really loved me, that he was just taking it slow, etc. Anyway, all he has told me now, if he had told me back then I would've never left him for the next great thing. I don't regret what I did because I did what I thought best with the information I had available at the time. However, with everything he has revealed now I felt a strong desire to return. And it would seem as if he wants the sme because he wants to go out with me, talks to me all day on chat-- but when I asked him, he said no. OK, then why is he still talking to me? He says he just can't let go of me, but he can't be in a relationship with me. I kind of don't want this anymore. His presence distracts me, and the fact that I can never have him again hurts me. We have sex, though. I'd rather just focus on my new beau if that is the case. But my ex is a tease. He alludes to someday, perhaps. As always! Always so unclear. UGH, I'm so frustrated. First of all, after 3 months, I don't think you could call him your boyfriend. Second of all, you identified early that he wasn't meeting your needs for a relationship and likely couldn't do that in the future. What else is there to think about? This guy isn't going to change for you and you know it. The fact that he's calling you now and trying to up things, is about nothing more than wanting the sex. Block his number and move forward with current beau. Make sure you and new beau are on the same page in terms of dating goals and observe with he is meeting your early dating needs. You seem to understand the situation you were in very clearly. I really don't understand why you would be re-considering this one. It's unclear because he's still being unclear. He hasn't changed.
Author confusedd99 Posted July 29, 2015 Author Posted July 29, 2015 UPDATE-- he's tried seeing me three times since then, I tell him NO. Instead, I casually mention my bf and plans I have with him. He gets mad, jealous. I told him he has no right, basically everything everyone said here-- that he made a choice, and he has to stick to it. Today he's been bombarding me with messages about how it was my fault it ended (left him for another guy), and I've been responding that I did it because of how cold and confusing he was. Anyway, same stuff over and over. He said he wanted me, if he can see me. I told him the only way we would ever do that again is if we were in a serious relationship and he was open about it regardless of what anyone thinks and puts a ton of photos of me on Facebook. LOL. A joking way of saying-- NO, never He said never to say never, that we never know what's going to happen in the future. That's the thing about him, his life is always in the future. Ain't falling for that one anymore
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