b6forlife Posted July 24, 2015 Posted July 24, 2015 Does anyone believe that breaks on relationships can be beneficial? With me, I'm dealing with anxiety in my relationship that makes me doubt everything in what I would call an awesome relationship. We fight occasionally, but nothing too major. I consider her my best friend, and can share anything with her. The problem is, I've never had a relationship, and so a year and a half in it's hard for me to visualize what it's supposed to look like now, if that makes sense. I was okay with that and everything was still great a couple months ago until she asked me how I felt about our relationship. That's had me question everything. I've remained strong and fought through it because I just know my mind is playing tricks on me. My question is this: can a break help this? I've started considering one, because I believe it might give me the time I need to calm down and realize I'm just overthinking things. On the other hand, however, I don't want to take a break because I also don't want to destroy our relationship. I want to keep it because I cherish it.
d0nnivain Posted July 24, 2015 Posted July 24, 2015 Breaks make things worse not better. They are training wheels for indecisive people to ease their way into a break up. Working together you can solve problems including anxiety & insecurity. Apart your brain will make up the worst case scenario & you will drive yourself crazy. Also on a break people tend to get involved with others & then even if the couple tries to later reconcile somebody gets all bent because the other person was with someone else. that said, taking a day off from seeing each other or going into the other room to calm down is just fine.
casey.lives Posted July 24, 2015 Posted July 24, 2015 if someone loves you and you love them i can't see why taking a hiatus would do anything but help. A break is not a break up so..
Mrin Posted July 24, 2015 Posted July 24, 2015 I don't do breaks. Ever. I remember a long time ago I was dating a woman and she brought up wanting to take a break. I told her I didn't do breaks. She said, okay, well forget I brought it up. I said no and ended the relationship right then and there. It was probably pretty immature on my part looking back but something in my gut was saying this wasn't right. Breaks, unless they're like 2 or 3 year breaks were you just accidentally get back together, don't work.
hotpotato Posted July 24, 2015 Posted July 24, 2015 Breaks can work. IMO a lot of people who date for a long time have taken some kind of break, esp if they met while young. Other than that scenario, I don't know if break work. A lot of times when you take a break, that other person learns to live without you and moves on. I'm having an issue like this. Guy has known me for a long time, and he says he has anxiety. Now he's supposedly ready to date, and I don't want them anymore. I know that's not exactly the same, but you get the gist. I think if you take a *break* someone, you should understand that they could go somewhere else.
Vintage79 Posted July 24, 2015 Posted July 24, 2015 Breaks can absolutely work, just be aware that the break is usually the official break-up, never see you again moment and you never get back together (i.e. the break only served to break-you up, not get back together and have everything be ok). If you really like the person, I'd talk to her about it and maybe just get a bit of extra space for a few weeks to think about it - that said, even doing that is likely a kiss of death, as you're effectively telling her that you don't want to be with her. The best way to go about it is open conversation and try to work through it (at least if you think you want to stay together), anything else has a very high risk of permanent break-up. I think a lot of people, in particular after 1.5 years, are of the mentality, "we gave a serious shot and it failed - why try again?"
RoseHeart Posted July 24, 2015 Posted July 24, 2015 It can really go both ways! There's no way of knowing. In some cases it brings people together and in other cases it breaks people apart. It really just depends on how much you both want each other. However in your situation I don't see how a break will be beneficial. It seems more to me like the problem here is you don't know what you want out of a relationship and calling a break will hurt her then if she isn't feeling the same way.
Author b6forlife Posted July 24, 2015 Author Posted July 24, 2015 I just feel like space is what I need. Whenever we don't hang out for a day or two, I tend to start feeling better. We still text, but I don't have the anxious thoughts. Everything seems normal. When I see her next do I start over analyzing things again. I just feel like maybe time apart, not necessarily a break, for like a week or two could be beneficial because it'll give me time to reset, clear my head, or whatever. I'm just dying to be able to fully enjoy my relationship again.
Clarence_Boddicker Posted July 24, 2015 Posted July 24, 2015 Unless there is an extreme type of extenuating circumstances like a death in the family, a break equals a breakup to me. 3
Author b6forlife Posted July 24, 2015 Author Posted July 24, 2015 Maybe a break isn't what I meant. I guess time apart is better. Space maybe. Just a few days or a week to calm down and clear my head. I think anxiety has confused me and made it harder for me to really see what I have in her, and I think that a few days apart to calm down can help clear that up. I just wanted to know if that could possibly be beneficial.
d0nnivain Posted July 24, 2015 Posted July 24, 2015 I have no problem with time apart. You don't have to see each other every day. Just don't call it a break. Call it being more independent or needing some quiet / alone / me time. I lived with a guy for about 10 years. Somewhere in the middle of that his parents moved in with us for about 6 months. Our routine had been I'd get up & go to work early in the morning. He had the house to himself until he left for work later in the morning. I'd come him & have the house to myself for 1-2 hours before he came home. It was our respective time to be away from each other. With the parents there, I'd walk in & get bombarded by people who wanted to talk. They will simply being polite but I felt overwhelmed. We worked out a system where I'd say hello & visit for 5-10 minutes then go in my room to change out of my business suit. As long as the door was closed, I could decompress in peace. When I re-emerged, I was ready to be social again. Having that respite really helped.
Author b6forlife Posted July 24, 2015 Author Posted July 24, 2015 Yeah I understand. I think I need more than just a couple hours though. I think a week apart would be perfect. Just gives me time to recollect. I'm scared though, but at this point I want to do anything to relieve myself of these negative thoughts.
DrReplyInRhymes Posted July 24, 2015 Posted July 24, 2015 (edited) In my life, women asking for a break is just a nice way to 'breakup', It's a way to start the process, especially if they are too weak to just make the cut, In my experience, it's usually because they met someone that made their heart go "whoa", Your mileage may vary, but don't be surprised if she decides its a no-go. EDIT: Oh, you're going to ask for a break in order to deal with your anxiety? Is she aware of this? You should be careful, she make take this wrong entirely, I'd be clear that there isn't someone else involved, and that this is you and your problem, not her in the slightest at all! Edited July 24, 2015 by DrReplyInRhymes
katiegrl Posted July 24, 2015 Posted July 24, 2015 The only problem I envision (or one of the problems) is how your girlfriend might interpret your need to take a break. Most people interpret breaks as really meaning "break up." She might become insecure and lose confidence in you.... and the RL in general. I would not recommend it...as it may have the opposite effect of what you intended -- wreaking havoc instead of fostering peace of mind. If you feel anxious, go for a run, or any type of exercise which increases endorphins. It is "mind over matter." When your mind becomes pre-occupied with insecure or doubting thoughts.....just tell it to SHUT UP. Go for a run.... I do yoga which is very calming. Or perhaps if your anxiety is really that debilitating, see a professional and get on some meds. Don't take a break, unless subconsciously you really want OUT. JMO.
No Limit Posted July 24, 2015 Posted July 24, 2015 Breaks are break-ups for people who don't have the guts to end a relationship. 2
Author b6forlife Posted July 25, 2015 Author Posted July 25, 2015 Thanks for the replies. Her and I have talked about it and she's the one that mentioned taking time apart, so I assume she wouldn't take it the wrong way. I just need to get out of my own head, honestly. These comments and replies have really helped. It's calmed me down and I enjoyed being with her tonight without a single negative thought. Thanks for the comments. 1
d0nnivain Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 Her mentioning time apart is her easing you into the break up. This time apart is going to teach her that she can live without you. Is that something you really want to strengthen? Instead of running away from her -- because that is what you are doing -- get some therapy, talk to your doctor about anti anxiety meds & with professional help figure out how to face your fears Doing so will give you a happier more balanced life in the end. Running away & hiding for a week will NOT fix this. 1
elaine567 Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 If she is bringing up time apart, then you may have a problem on your hands, not only you are thinking of splitting which I guess is what you are actually saying here, but she is perhaps considering it too. YOU have admitted you are happier when you are apart from her, so that speaks volumes to me and that is what you need to focus on. This is your first relationship, it doesn't need to progress to "happy ever after", she will get over the split and you will get over it too, just like everyone else. As No Limit says - Breaks are break-ups for people who don't have the guts to end a relationship. 1
joseb Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 YOU have admitted you are happier when you are apart from her, so that speaks volumes to me and that is what you need to focus on. . If you are happier apart, why do you want to continue the relationship?
Author b6forlife Posted July 25, 2015 Author Posted July 25, 2015 I'm happier with her, not apart from her. When I'm apart from her, however, it gives me some time to reflect on how much this relationship means to me, and in turn relieves me of my anxiety and helps me to fully enjoy the relationship. I'm a better person with her, as my friends have told me and my family as well. Also, let me explain when she mentioned time apart. We had just had a long discussion on the negative thoughts I had been struggling with, and through tears she told me that maybe I should go date someone else because I didn't know what I wanted. She didn't want to be hurt anymore. I realize I should've been a lot more clear.
elaine567 Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 We had just had a long discussion on the negative thoughts I had been struggling with, and through tears she told me that maybe I should go date someone else because I didn't know what I wanted. She didn't want to be hurt anymore. OK, you have obviously opened up a huge can of worms and whilst I guess you feel relieved now with it out in the open, your gf I guess doesn't. She didn't want to be hurt anymore. - implies you are indeed hurting her, by your indecisive stance. People in relationships want to be feel loved and wanted, introducing doubt by behaviour or words, hurts them deeply. Trust is dealt a body blow. The fact you are even mentioning time out and space, will be ringing alarm bells in her head. I know you are feeling somewhat committed here, but the issue of dating other people may start to loom large. If you see her as the love of your life, then by all means carry on, but if part of this anxiety you are feeling, is due to the fact you are not sure if you can spend your entire life with this one woman, then do not waste any more of her time. Go sow wild oats and commit only when you are ready to do so.
fitnessfan365 Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 People that need a "break" are usually feeling smothered. I think the most successful relationships are those where both people have separate lives and don't spend every waking minute together. There's a big difference between center of your universe, and your entire universe..LOL
d0nnivain Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 Her asking for the break because she doesn't want to be hurt any more is her not being able to say she wants to break up but actually wanting to dump you because she can't deal with your anxiety any more. It's fish or cut bait time. Either man up, commit to this relationship & her by dealing with your anxiety or love her enough to let her go. Right now you are in fact hurting this woman on a daily basis. 1
Author b6forlife Posted July 25, 2015 Author Posted July 25, 2015 I know. It's been a month since we had that conversation. I do feel better talking about all of this with you all. It's appreciated. I'm just going to take things day by day and really focus on trying to enjoy the moment rather than get trapped in my head. She really want to be with me, and I want to be with her too. It's like my mind is trying to come up with reasons why I can't. I just need to learn to ignore it. I realize that a break wouldn't fix anything and it's cowardly. Once again, thank you for your comments. They really helped. I may have made a mistake without them.
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