foolinlove79 Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 Whatever you do dont contact them. You might not realise it but by not contacting them the power in the rs has shifted. If you contact him you will loose that. And he will think you are desperate and sad and send the message that what he did was ok. People have the right to leave an rs if they are unhappy. But as the dumpee you now have the right to heal and move on. I have a lot of experience with people who leave giving excuses like this. And they tend to flop back and forward with how they feel which means they keep leaving you. 1
thespacey1 Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 (edited) Catlady, do you have a plan of action to deal with your time and thoughts. Yes feel the pain, but what things do you like to do? Not suggesting you busy yourself every single moment, I just know for me I do things that make me happy even if no one else enjoys it and it's corny. You may want to start focusing on you now... Grieve some, then get out some... Edited July 25, 2015 by thespacey1 1
CryMeARiver Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 Having a rough patch here as well, a month out of breakup. PMS is making it way worse. At any rate, my heart is with you. On the days I usually spent with him, the reminder of the void is painful. I would encourage you to try and stay NC longer than 30 days. With a past ex I broke NC to get some stuff back from him I didn't even care about just to see him... And this was 3 mos out. He brought the stuff to my work and well, he remained out of my life over five years. He has recently popped back up, now that I have totally detached. Not pleasing for me back, but coming around. Thought it would never happen.., My point is, NC is to heal and get emotional distance. Before I would count down the days of NC so I could contact him if I got the guts lol I was just getting thru the days thinking a reward would be at the end of them. I ended up making it worse on myself and NC fixed nothing because I was using it the wrong way. Anything is possible. But it doesn't happen on the time schedule or circumstance we wish for in these tender days. Take it day by day as I am work sincerely on you and be your own best friend. Don't send those mails just yet.., 2
mightycpa Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 Basically I tell him that I miss his friendship. The beginning of the email I tell him how I never realized breaking up with him would be so devastating and that I found that when you lose someone you don't just lose them once, you lose them every time you hear a song you both listened to or a movie you watched together and a thousand other different ways. Looking at the email I do come off as melancholy and sad. I also tell him that I apologize for reaching out to him. Maybe it's a form of closure for me (which from what I've read one can never get anyway). Maybe in a few weeks I won't even send it. There's a poem I quote as well from Lang Leav. I highly recommend her poetry! I discovered it about a week ago and her poetry gets right to your heart. Tell me if you ever cared if a single thought for me was spared. Tell me when you lie in bed, do you think of something I once said. Tell me if you hurt at all, when someone says my name with yours. It may have been long ago, but I would give the world to know -Lang Leav That is a nice poem. It beautifully captures the pathetic creature in us that longs for a reality that only exists in the past. The little things make you re-live your breakup over and over again only because you haven't quite come to terms with it. This is your way of reminding yourself about what really is.
Author catlady11 Posted July 25, 2015 Author Posted July 25, 2015 I was feeling sad so I was looking at old text messages. I was going to type "I miss you" and then just delete it without sending. I've done it before-always hit delete. Well this time I was trying to type "I miss you" and I kept getting typos and I hit send by accident. The text he got was "I Mia" and that was it. I didn't even send a text right after it saying that it was sent by accident, I just thought it better to leave it alone so he thinks he got it by mistake. Ugh. Obviously he ignored it which doesn't surprise me. What would you think if you got a text like that?
mrldii Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 If I were him, I'd think that I got the text by accident AND that there was a typo in it and that it was supposed to say, "Hi, Mia!" He's probably wondering if you've met a new workout partner at the gym or if you've decided to switch teams. Whatever he's thinking after getting it is a helluvalot better than receiving an accidental "I miss you"...especially during NC and while you're getting over him. Stay strong, OP... 1
ravfour4 Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 Lol I'd probably think you were typing I miss you, it's the only sentence close to I Mia. Either that or I'd think it was an accident, but its not like you meant to send "I Mia" to anyone since that makes no sense. 1
pidgeon1010 Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 You are never going to move on if you keep doing this to yourself. You should delete his phone number and all texts from your phone. That is what I did and it helped me a lot. I have enough memories in my mind that I am trying to move on from or not think of as much, I sure don't want texts and pictures reminding me of the past. You can send "pretend" texts in a blank message with no phone number attached to it. If I received a text like that from someone who I broke up with, depending on the situation, I would think one of two things: a) He is trying to "tap" me and reconnect b) He sent text mistakenly Either way, you shouldn't be too concerned about what he is thinking, concentrate on your emotionally well-being. If he were to respond, do not see that as some sign to send another message. Nothing good usually comes from that. Keep moving forward. 1
Author catlady11 Posted July 25, 2015 Author Posted July 25, 2015 I can say one thing-I've definitely learned my lesson lol. I am so glad the typo had a capital M; hopefully that will give more weight to it thinking it's a name instead of the word "miss".
Author catlady11 Posted August 5, 2015 Author Posted August 5, 2015 Any words of wisdom? I don't know what to do. There are times when the pain of missing him overwhelms me; I just want to crawl back to bed (which I do sometimes). Should I let myself experience these feelings or should I actively try to ignore it? I'm worried that if I ignore it they'll just build up and hurt even worse or I'll have dreams about it. I know this is a grieving process. I actually had a friend tell me to "snap out of it". Yeah, like it's as simple as changing my clothes. 1
Gus Grimly Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 Any words of wisdom? I don't know what to do. There are times when the pain of missing him overwhelms me; I just want to crawl back to bed (which I do sometimes). Should I let myself experience these feelings or should I actively try to ignore it? I'm worried that if I ignore it they'll just build up and hurt even worse or I'll have dreams about it. I know this is a grieving process. I actually had a friend tell me to "snap out of it". Yeah, like it's as simple as changing my clothes. Just let it happen. Crawl back in bed and get in a power nap if that makes you feel better. I'm not sure anything is going to "snap" you out of it. I think the pain you feeling is part of the healing process, growing pains as it were. Keep yourself occupied, try not to think about him. Get yourself to the GYM, but IMO, let yourself grieve. 4
pidgeon1010 Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 Go through the pain. It is therapeutic. CRY LIKE A BIG BABY (that's what I did). It is perfectly fine to want to curl up in a ball and do nothing during the early stages but if it goes on for months on end, you may need to seek professional help. During the first few weeks of my BU, I let myself experience all the emotions. I would come back from the gym, shower and get in my bed for an awful/ugly crying session (which caused me to be late for work a few times). I had no energy at work and just wanted to get back home, but I didn't let the feeling consume me. I moved on one day at a time and now I am almost 4 months post-breakup (2 months NC) and I am feeling much better. Life goes on after a breakup. I am looking forward to the future. You can do it! 9
mightycpa Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 Go through the emotional pain. Also, you have a bunch of breakup brain chemicals going through your system right now. I'd suggest that you exercise yourself to exhaustion 6 days each week. Running will help a lot, because that releases other brain chemicals which will counteract the effect of your breakup brain chemicals. You'll feel better. 2
jen1447 Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 I agree with the others - gotta go thru the pain. It's like having a broken leg, you don't ignore it and hope for the best. You acknowledge it hurts and treat it and heal. 1
Clarence_Boddicker Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 Don't bury it. You have to deal with it & let it out. There's no easy way to get over someone. 1
Chi townD Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 You either rip the Band-Aid off quickly or slowly. If you go through the pain, then you endure it and get to the other side. To quote Winston Churchill "If you find yourself walking through hell, keep going". The other option you proposed is rug sweeping. But, here's the rub, the hurt and the pain (even though you buried it) is going to remain and it will fester. It will build and build until it finds a way out anyways. So, you may as well face it head on. 6
Author catlady11 Posted August 5, 2015 Author Posted August 5, 2015 Thanks all. I just wonder sometimes if I'm wallowing in it and that's making it worse.
PaperCrane Posted August 5, 2015 Posted August 5, 2015 Chi is spot on. Solid advice. You have to feel it, and all of it, possibly multiple times. By snapping out of it, your friend is telling you to flip on the 'Hurt Switch' and get the pain felt and over with as quickly as possible. Take time to friggin' scream into a pillow, or go chop down a tree while listening to some angry punk, or whatever. Just feel it and let it go through you. Once you've done that, it becomes much easier to move on. 2
Author catlady11 Posted August 15, 2015 Author Posted August 15, 2015 I mailed my ex a letter a few days ago. Yep, used snail mail. He probably got it by now but he told me once that he only checks his mail once a week or so since he doesn't get bills in the mail. Basically the letter was telling him how much I missed him and our friendship. I KNOW that all the advice says to just go no contact. I'm weak. I miss him so much still. There's a good chance he'll ignore it or he could write back telling me to leave him alone. I've tried to put him out of my mind and delve into on line dating again but it just depresses me more.
aloneinaz Posted August 15, 2015 Posted August 15, 2015 Well, I'm surprised you came back here to share this news when it's the exact opposite of what everyone told you to do on your other posts, Hun. I'm sorry you're hurting so much but you know this letter will NOT accomplish what you want. How are you going to fell when he simply ignores that letter, which in all likelihood, he will? Have you thought of talking to a therapist about why you can't accept this R/S being over? You are clearly obsessed with this guy and I hope he doesn't think you're crossing over to that crazy, stalker ex category. I really think you should consider talking to a professional or going to a book store so you can learn some coping skills to get past this. 2
mightycpa Posted August 15, 2015 Posted August 15, 2015 Well, I'm surprised you came back here to share this news when it's the exact opposite of what everyone told you to do on your other posts, Hun. I'm sorry you're hurting so much but you know this letter will NOT accomplish what you want. How are you going to fell when he simply ignores that letter, which in all likelihood, he will? Have you thought of talking to a therapist about why you can't accept this R/S being over? You are clearly obsessed with this guy and I hope he doesn't think you're crossing over to that crazy, stalker ex category. I really think you should consider talking to a professional or going to a book store so you can learn some coping skills to get past this.I think I can understand the bolded part... that's pretty natural, because your heart will lie to you. Acceptance will come in time, and it is not automatic. But have you considered why you're weak? Let's think this through. You have one thing that tells you to do what's wrong for you... your feelings. You have several things that tell you not to do what's clearly wrong for you: 1) Your intellect 2) Advice 3) Your good sense 4) Reason 5) Hopefully, at least one friend So what is it that makes you crumble? Master that part of you, and you'll move through this a lot faster. 1
Author catlady11 Posted August 15, 2015 Author Posted August 15, 2015 I won't stalk him, no worries. Writing him the letter was cathartic in a way. Part of me hopes he will ignore it. I just need some time I think. My good days are slowly outweighing the bad.
Gus Grimly Posted August 15, 2015 Posted August 15, 2015 If writing a letter is helping you cope and move on that's great. If the intention is to try pulling at his heart strings, I wish you luck. But unfortunately with that you'll be on a path rough path of wondering if he received the letter, thinking about what his reaction might be and pondering if he'll respond back. It's no good. I know people hate the NC/Move on answer given on this forum ad nauseum, but really, 9 times out of 10 it's going to be the best course of action. Doing otherwise is only prolonging the grief and delaying the healing process. Nobody who's in love with someone wants the relationship to end. No one. So we convince ourselves we can salvage it. We want to fight for it. The only thing is, we are fighting ourselves because the other team has quit the field. 5
Author catlady11 Posted August 15, 2015 Author Posted August 15, 2015 It's the memories that make me weak. For instance we used to send each other funny memes constantly (juvenile maybe but we both got a kick out of it) and sometimes I'll see one that I know would make him lol or would make him think of a private joke we shared and it hits me how I can't just send it to him. Stupid, meaningless things like that.
mightycpa Posted August 15, 2015 Posted August 15, 2015 Fine. What that tells you is that it wasn't ALL BAD. Nothing else. It is natural and expected that you will reflect, and see the good and the bad. However, it is an exercise in self-deception to give in to the good without giving the bad its due. If you need to, write the bad down. Whenever you feel like you're going to crumble, start your letter off with all your complaints. THAT should help you not put a stamp on it and send it.
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